Authors: V. K. Powell
“There isn’t anyone, especially not Rae Butler.” But was she being totally honest? Did wanting count? How about fantasizing? At what point was she lying by claiming disinterest?
“Then why not give us a chance? You might be surprised.”
Audrey searched for an easier way to tell Loretta she simply wasn’t attracted to her. Nobody wanted to hear those words, and few people could be so brutally honest. “I have a lot going on in my life right now and can’t get involved with anyone.” That much was definitely true. “Please try to understand. I’d like to be friends, if you’re willing.”
Loretta seemed to consider Audrey’s offer. “Was it an act from the beginning? Were you using me to get information without going through the police department?”
The incisive question caught Audrey off guard. If she valued her friendship with Loretta, she deserved the truth. “Initially I was probably after information and access, but then I got to know you. I like you, and I’m sorry. I never wanted to hurt you.”
Loretta’s posture sagged a bit as some of the tension seemed to drain from her body. “I believe you, and yes, I’d like to be friends. I’m glad you were honest with me before it went any further.”
As they rose to leave Loretta placed her arm around Audrey’s waist, and they walked companionably toward the door. Now the energy between them was clean and clear, and Audrey felt no reservations about hugging her good-bye.
*
Rae squeezed the spring roll she held as Audrey and Loretta exited the restaurant. The sight of Loretta’s arm around Audrey’s waist reminded Rae that Audrey had specifically avoided her attempts at contact.
“I guess you know those two?” her lunch companion asked.
Dana Thompson had been Rae’s therapist for the better part of an hour after Janet left. When the session ended, she decided the process wasn’t for her. They had become friends, meeting periodically to unofficially check in. “Barely know them.”
“Your poor spring roll would suggest otherwise.” She nodded toward the mangled appetizer in Rae’s hand. “Want to talk about it?”
She didn’t, and the reason bothered her. How could she explain her feelings for Audrey when she didn’t understand them herself? The attraction was real but wasn’t logical. They hadn’t spent enough time together to even develop a friendship. And if her instincts were accurate—which was still questionable—she couldn’t trust Audrey. That was a deal breaker. “I’d rather talk about this guy who’s attacking women.”
“Poor deflection, but it’s your angst. Tell me about him.” Rae provided the few details she’d pieced together and prayed Dana could fill in some of the blanks. “You won’t like what I have to say.”
“Try me.” Rae needed a lead, a direction for her investigation. At this point, she’d take speculation over nothing.
“Broad strokes, he’s probably an aggressive, narcissistic personality, a pathological liar with no guilt, remorse, or empathy. He lacks genuine emotion and doesn’t accept responsibility for his actions. I just have generalities and conjecture. You know the drill, white male, 25-40 years of age, no real long-term goals, early behavioral problems, sexually promiscuous.”
As Rae listened, her hope faded. What Dana said didn’t ring true for this particular suspect. She couldn’t put her finger on why, just another feeling.
“I’m sorry to disappoint you. I know you wanted something more concrete. We’re not miracle workers. What does your gut tell you, Rae?”
Rae understood why Dana was one of the top therapists in the state. She’d probably mentioned her lack of confidence when they initially met, but Dana never pushed. Now she tactfully broached the issue at exactly the right time. Rae’s insecurity, this case, and Audrey Everhart were like Alpine peaks in her mind. If she couldn’t overcome the first obstacle, she had no chance of tackling the others.
Dana’s question hung in the air between them. “It feels wrong, but I can’t—”
“Trust yourself?” Rae nodded. “Baby steps, my friend. Play with your instincts on small things first. Test the outcome. Soon you’ll believe again.” Dana touched Rae’s hand and flashed one of her most encouraging smiles. “Any contact with Janet lately?”
“Have you been stalking me or what? She wants to talk.”
“How do you feel about that?” The question was probably one of the most overused and dreaded ones a therapist could ask, but Dana’s concerned delivery made it feel genuine.
“I don’t see the point. We were falling apart before she cheated. I realized that today, so what else do we have to talk about? It’s over…so why do I still miss her?” She expected Dana to comment but she remained silent, as if allowing Rae to hear and reconsider her words. After a few minutes, she asked the inevitable question that Rae couldn’t answer.
“Do you miss
her
or the idea of her?”
*
Audrey returned home that afternoon exhausted from the emotions of the day. She plucked Cannonball from her crate, gave her a wet smooch on the nose, and buried them both in a blanket on the sofa. The kitten’s rhythmic purring relaxed and comforted Audrey as she imagined the advantages of being a cuddly pet with no problems. Kittens didn’t have to worry about challenging conversations like the one she’d had with Loretta or the draining exchange with Rae Butler.
Rae’s obvious enjoyment of another woman’s company had bothered Audrey. She had no claim on Rae, her time or attention, but still it rankled. Her attraction to Rae surpassed her most infatuated phase with Yasi or her first quasi-lover. Normally she was too preoccupied with other people’s feelings to entertain her own, but she couldn’t dismiss these. She recalled the only time Rae had touched her and shivered with desire.
Why
this
woman? She constantly challenged everything Audrey was avoiding in her life. And Rae’s reference to the press conference brought up another set of issues Audrey purposely hadn’t addressed.
That afternoon had taxed her more than she wanted to admit. She hadn’t expected a flashback or a round of psychological intercourse with her attacker. It was unusual for her to mentally connect with someone, to be allowed initial entry then denied full access. The disparity felt like a scrambling device emitting white noise. The vacuum sucked and consumed her emotionally until she almost fainted. She’d barely had enough energy to disconnect. True to form, Audrey had sidestepped when she asked about her struggle today.
She stroked CB’s back. “Promise you won’t become one of those females who asks prying questions and breaks my heart, and I promise to feed and love you forever.” CB licked the side of her neck as if agreeing to the terms. Audrey tuned in to the contented purring, blanked her mind, and drifted to sleep.
Throngs of people pushed in around her, cheerful and celebratory. Even the close contact of strangers couldn’t dampen her spirits. Tonight they would gather to toast their success before moving on. Her steps quickened as she hurried to meet her friends.
Something was wrong. As she looked down at her feet, the shoes she’d worn changed into gold sling-back heels and her slacks into a red, form-fitting dress. A sickly sweet odor burned her eyes and made her nauseous. Light reflected off metal in thin streaks. Her stomach ached. She couldn’t scream. A voice whispered unintelligible words. Then she ran down the dark street—naked, alone, and terrified.
Audrey jerked awake so quickly Cannonball went flying across the room. The kitten landed on her feet and stared at her with a shocked expression. “Sorry, darling,” Audrey mumbled as she tried to clear her head. Parts of the dream memory made sense but not entirely.
Her previous nightmares had centered on the assault at the community facility. This one was different. The emotion of it felt like that summer, the pain too real, but the other images were still murky and the clothing totally unfamiliar.
She drew her legs underneath her and curled into a ball on the sofa. The air around her thickened with unpleasantness. She turned on the stereo and adjusted the volume to block outside stimuli, but the discomfort remained. The room felt almost foreign, even her furnishings emitting an odd energy. Cannonball stood in the middle of the floor, and the wiry hair on her back bristled. Time to go. She couldn’t be here alone right now.
Audrey picked up her purse and wrapped Cannonball in a bath towel on the way out. As she settled in her car and turned the ignition key, she realized she had no idea where to go. In the past she would’ve gone directly to Yasi, but that wasn’t an option. She was out of state at the moment, and Audrey wasn’t sure when she would be available again. Perhaps she could call Loretta—definitely not. That would give entirely the wrong impression.
Digging into her purse, Audrey prayed her cell phone was where she’d left it for once. She felt the cool, slim device at the bottom and pulled it out, then fished around for Rae’s business card. As she stared at it, she wondered if she was making a mistake. Was she overreacting?
Audrey looked back toward her apartment and decided she most certainly was not. Her instincts were seldom wrong, especially in matters of bad news or danger. She placed the call and simply asked if she could come over. The answer was an equally simple yes. As she drove, Audrey realized she was headed to the one place she’d feel relatively safe but had absolutely no right to be.
When Rae disconnected, she wondered what had precipitated Audrey’s call. They weren’t close friends who occasionally dropped by to chat. Audrey had consistently maintained her distance and privacy. Maybe something else had happened or she’d remembered more about her assault. She’d sounded a bit shaken. Whatever the circumstances, Rae would be patient and let Audrey come to her. That was the only way to establish trust.
It was almost seven in the evening. Should she offer her something to eat? Did she have anything to offer? Her best meals consisted of ready-made purchases nicely arranged on paper plates. She wasn’t exactly a cook, but this wasn’t exactly a social call, was it? It certainly wasn’t a date so she didn’t have to feed or entertain her guest. The sound of a car outside her door ended the internal debate.
Rae opened the door and watched as Audrey approached with a bundle in her arms. She still wore her work clothes, though slightly wrinkled. The habitually unruly strands of hair poked out at odd angles as if she’d just woken up. Her forehead was furrowed in distress and the usual spark in her eyes was absent.
Audrey stopped at the threshold. “Don’t you hate people who drop in unexpectedly, especially bearing unwanted gifts? Do you mind cats?”
Rae stepped aside. “Of course not. Come in.” Audrey was definitely upset. Her attempt at humor failed in enthusiasm and delivery.
“I couldn’t leave her there alone.”
“Has something happened? Are you all right?” Their exchange felt stilted, but Rae forced herself not to push.
“I’m fine. Maybe a bit vulnerable after all that’s happened. You’re very kind to let me come over.”
“You’re welcome any time. I’m glad you’re okay.” This was an unusual though welcome glimpse of Audrey’s softer side. Rae had seen it occasionally in recruit school, hardly at all since. Recently Audrey had been too concerned with protecting her privacy and asserting her independence to let her emotions show.
Rae’s compassion for Audrey swelled, and her protective side strengthened. She’d have to take it slowly for both their sakes. Rae wasn’t ready for even a casual relationship, and Audrey always seemed primed to bolt. Why hadn’t Audrey gone to Loretta? They’d seemed very chummy at lunch today. Rae dismissed the unpleasant thought, glad that she’d come to her.
Audrey looked around the small condo and smiled. “Now I know what you meant when you said your place looked like it had been burglarized.”
Rae felt her cheeks flush with embarrassment.
“I’m sorry. That was insensitive. It doesn’t suit the picture I had of your home.”
“And what was that?” Rae was curious about Audrey’s preconceived ideas about her and thrilled that she’d thought enough of her to form them.
“A warm, comfortable place full of soft furniture, fall colors, and lots of greenery. I guess I imagined your home as your refuge from the type of work you do.”
Her assessment was exactly what Rae wanted her home to be. At least Audrey understood the need for a safe haven. Janet had never seemed to. Rae motioned Audrey toward the space with the most furniture, her dart room/study. “It used to be.” She noted the hint of melancholy in her voice and quickly changed the subject. “I was about to order a pizza. Interested?” Totally not true, but she had to eat. Besides, the idea of feeding and entertaining Audrey had become more enjoyable since her arrival.
“If you’re sure I won’t be a bother.”
This was a completely different Audrey Everhart than Rae was used to. She was too agreeable. Something had definitely shaken her confidence and maybe even scared her. Rae put her thoughts aside, remembering Dana’s suggestion about testing her instincts on small things. If she was right, Audrey would tell her soon enough.
“Have a look around while I find the delivery menus.”
Audrey walked into the small room, placed a swaddled CB on a side chair, and took in Rae’s belongings. She felt oddly comfortable among her things, though sparse and utilitarian. She sensed a variety of activities in this room, some light and carefree, some serious. This was the part of Rae Butler she’d wondered about for over a year, the person behind the officer.