Have a New Kid by Friday (7 page)

What makes the difference? The authoritative parent is majoring on the relationship and minoring on everything else.

It’s All about the Connection

If you don’t have a connection with your child, why should she care what you think? If your child doesn’t feel your love and acceptance for her—no matter what she does—there will be no relationship.

You can’t run a family by rules if there is no connection between family members. If you try to, you’ll always have an adversarial relationship. Your children will know that no matter what they say, do, or look like, you’ll be playing judge and jury. If that’s the way your home is run, no wonder you get knee-jerk reactions every time you try to talk to your kids.

Note that I said “talk to your kids,” not “ask your kids questions.” There’s a big difference. Asking questions puts your child on the defensive. Instead, make open-ended statements (even in response to stupid or out-of-the-blue comments) such as, “I’ve never thought about it that way. Tell me more.” Let’s say your child wants to listen to her music in the car, as all teens do. I’ve got news for you: you won’t like her music. (But your parents didn’t like your music either.) Instead of wincing, say, “That’s an interesting beat. I like that beat.”

Such comments are respectful of your children, and they set the paradigm that you are open to talking with your children about anything. Talking with your children about the little things means that they will be more likely to talk with you about the big things.

Your children need to know that you are on their team—that no matter what they do, you love them. You may not like what they do, but that doesn’t change your love for them. Many children don’t experience the connection, but they experience the pressure. They are bullied into submission, called names, ordered around, told they have to do better in school—and then the next day parents act like none of that happened.

That’s why parents need to address their own behavior before they expect their children to change. Many parents create a home environment that is not a fun place to be. Their kids are like robots with no choice (until they choose to act in rebellion). Yet you worked hard to have this child. Some of you went to fertility clinics, held your legs up after sex when you were trying to get pregnant, or went through myriad paperwork for adoption. Is it too much to ask that you show your child some attention and appreciation 3 years or 15 years down the road? To take the time to find the middle ground in your parenting style? Rules don’t work without a relationship.

You May Not Have Much, Mama, but It’s All You Need

You don’t need a PhD. You don’t need to have a lot of money. You have all you need. You know the biggest secret of all: your child wants to please you. She can’t stand it when she knows you’re unhappy with her. She wants to know you are a team. Yes, all this is true, even if she sometimes gives you the eye roll and wants you to walk 10 feet behind her because you’re embarrassing her.

What’s most important is your relationship, and that is based on respect and unconditional love. So much has to do with you and how you treat your children.

Every once in a while, slip your child a commercial. I love to do that. The other day my youngest, Lauren, was in the backseat of the car when I was telling Holly, her 35-year-old sister, “I can’t wait to see what Lauren is going to be someday. I know it’s going to be something special.” I wanted Lauren to hear what I was saying. I wanted her to know that I like the person she’s become, and I look forward to our future together. Most parents talk very little to kids. I want to talk
to
my children and also tell good gossip
about
them.

Parent, you hold all the aces. You’ve got the bank account, the car, the house, the groceries, the power. Children have nothing except what you give them and what they’ll someday inherit.

What kind of legacy are you going to leave for them? If you want them to be healthy, independent thinkers who are kind and giving to others,
now
is the time to start. And you can start by changing yourself.

If you tend toward being authoritarian, work on giving your children age-appropriate choices. Children need to develop the ability to make good life decisions. After all, you’re not going to be in the same house with your child, making her decisions when she’s 32, are you? It’s not likely. When you release your children to the world, you want to know that they will be all right on their own. That they will be standing on a firm foundation of love, acceptance, and understanding.

So give age-appropriate choices. There’s nothing wrong with saying to your child, “Which would you rather have for breakfast? French toast or scrambled eggs?”

If you are a permissive parent, you need to stand up and be a parent instead of trying to be your child’s friend and make her happy. Being happy all the time isn’t real life, and you’re not being fair to your child if you’re providing a continual Disneyland experience. Without accountability for her actions, your hedonistic little sucker will grow up to be a teenage brat and then an adult who back talks and can’t hold down a job. Will your children always like you? No. But did you become a parent so you could be high on the likeability scale? If so, you are the one who needs a reality check.

The stakes are too high. You cannot back down.

The goal of every parent should be to raise independent thinkers who have a healthy respect for themselves and others. This is extremely important in today’s permissive society, as shown in the following commencement speech. The speech was given by J. Neusner at Brown University in 1981, but it is even more applicable today:

We the faculty take no pride in our educational achievements with you. . . . With us you could argue about why your errors were not your errors, why mediocre work was really excellent, why you could take pride in routine and slipshod presentation. For four years we created an altogether forgiving world, in which whatever slight effort you gave was all that was demanded. When you did not keep appointments, we made new ones. When your work came in beyond deadline, we pretended not to care.

Why? Despite your fantasies, it was not even that we wanted to be liked by you. It was that we did not want to be bothered, and the easy way out was pretense: smiles, and easy Bs.

Few professors actually care whether or not they are liked by peer-paralyzed adolescents, fools so shallow as to imagine professors care not about education but about popularity. It was, again, to get rid of you. So go, unlearn the lies we taught you.
⁴

Parent, how much do you care? How much do you want to be bothered? What kind of foundation are you building for your children? What kind of lies are you teaching through your parenting style? How are you preparing them for the future?

Start with the end in mind, and keep the focus on your relationship, not on rules.

I have friends on all sides of the issue—from permissive to authoritarian—and boy, are you right! Authoritative is the only way to go. I saw the fruits of the other two methods in my work at a public welfare agency for 20 years. I’m glad that I chose the balanced perspective with my own kids. I’m proud of them. They’re now grown with families of their own. And I’m close to my grandchildren. It truly
is
all about the relationship.

Belle, Texas

You’re right about taking the long view. I can’t believe how fast the time goes. It seems like yesterday that my 3 children were babies, and soon my oldest is going to graduate from high school. Now that I have teenagers in my home, I found your advice about not asking questions extremely helpful. I’d been getting “the grunt,” but now that I’ve shut my mouth, they’re opening theirs. Thanks!

Sharon, Nebraska

Boy oh boy, did I need a reminder of the long view. My wife got pregnant a lot earlier than we’d planned, and we now have twins under the age of 2. Our home went from quiet strolls in the evening to the chaos of toddlers. I was, I admit, an “escapee father.” A month ago it hit me, after listening to you speak, that’s exactly what my father was—an escapee. And when he was home, he was always ordering me around. I didn’t want to be like him, so I didn’t do anything. I’ve now apologized to my wife and told her that I want our family relationship to be a priority. And I’ve asked for her help on that. Thanks for being the reality check I needed.

Jay, Illinois

I’ve been known to say that parenting 6 children (what were we thinking?) is kind of like herding yowling cats. But after listening to your principles, I think our home could become manageable chaos. This was the first time my husband and I ever agreed on any parenting principles, so this is a biggie. Your no-nonsense approach and personal examples won him over since he thinks most behavior specialists are, to quote him, “a crock.” I’m the permissive parent; he’s the authoritarian parent. Neither of our approaches was working. Now I’ve got a backbone and determination, and my husband’s goals are being approached in a manner that isn’t as severe.

Susan, Kansas

Tamara, New Mexico

I’ve read so many statistics about how children raised by a single mom are doomed that I felt doomed. Then I heard your parenting principles and thought,
Hey, I can do that, with or without
a spouse.
You lightened my burden by pointing out that my relationship with my kids is the most important thing. I can’t give them everything, but I can give them my time and attention. That was exactly what I needed to hear (and I loved your 3 simple strategies for success too). I felt like you were cheering me on.

Lily, Iowa

Thursday

But What If I Damage Their Psyche?

(Uh . . . What’s a Psyche?)

There’s praise, and there’s encouragement.

Your kid is smart enough to know the difference.

I knew a kid who was a real live wire and a comedian. He got thrown out of fourth grade because he put his hand down his pants, stuck his finger out his fly, and wiggled it at the girls. He got kicked out of Cub Scouts at age 11 for “unpredictable behavior.” He got thrown out of consumer’s math (the math the “dummies” took so they could at least buy groceries when they graduated) as a senior in high school. He was the kind of guy everyone laughed at, but only his mother really believed he’d grow up to count for something.

Until Vincent Stearns, a high school English teacher, stepped in. He took no crap from anyone and made his expectations very clear. Well, this child had barely done homework in all his years of school—but he did homework for Mr. Stearns. For the first time he rose to the challenge, because guess what? Mr. Stearns had such positive expectations of the young man’s abilities that even a flunky would take notice.

What made the difference?

1. The expectations were clear. There was no wiggle room for miscommunication.

2. The adult expected the best . . . so he got it.

It didn’t matter that the kid’s academic records were at the bottom of the scale. It didn’t matter that the kid was known to get his kicks from clowning around and drawing attention to himself.

That teacher gave the young man a second chance.

Expect the Best, Get the Best

These days, parents are overly concerned with a child’s self-esteem. “I want Johnny to feel good about himself,” a mother says.

So what does that mother do? She goes out of her way to clear life’s roads for her child, to do things for him that he should be doing for himself.

She thinks she’s helping him with his self-esteem, but what is she really doing? She’s sending a negative message: “I think you’re so stupid that you can’t do it yourself, so I’ll do it for you.”

It’s similar to saying things one time only. If you remind children more than once, you’re saying, “You’re so dumb I don’t think you’re going to get it, so I’ll say it again.” Actually, saying it once consistently increases your chance that you will be heard and your instructions followed.

Many children are “mommy-deaf”—and for good reason. When rules change with Mom’s hormones, why should they bother to follow them?

Doing things your children should do is not respectful of them. Expecting the best out of them—realizing that “the best” differs based on the activity, the age of your children, and their specific talents—is respectful. Every child lives up to the expectation you have for him.

Don’t be afraid to set the bar high (many children can do far more than you could dream), but don’t expect the world either. If your D-student son comes home with mostly Cs and 2 Bs because he’s been working really hard, that’s something to celebrate! If your 4-year-old decides to clean her room on her own, although things are not quite as clean as you’d like, tell her you appreciate her thoughtfulness in cleaning her room (and don’t follow behind her, cleaning it further).

Does that mean you should never help your child? No. You are the captain of the
Good Ship Family
on the sea of life. Like all good captains, you need to be in charge of your boat and aware of where the hiddenrocks are, and you have to have a port of call to know where you’re going. There will be times when some of your passengers will fall off your ship, but you don’t have to let them drown. They will need a life jacket and a rescue.

Self-esteem or Self-worth?

There is a big difference between children “feeling good” about themselves (self-esteem) and true self-worth. Many parents today are so concerned about their child’s self-esteem that they are raising feel-good children: they have to feel good about themselves and everything they do. You wouldn’t want any waves on their ocean of life, now would you? Nothing to cause the little darlings to have to swim for it.

Making a child feel good is easy. Just give him everything he wants, when he wants it. But if you do, that hedonistic little sucker takes over and turns into an adolescent big sucker. He’ll give you a run for your money with his expectations. That run for your money can often last way into a child’s twenties and thirties. Interestingly, 2 of the 10 moms who talk about mother stress at my seminars are older parents who have a child college-age or older living with them. “Boomerang kids,” I call them. The kind of children who felt good about themselves because Mom and Dad always took care of things for them. Now Mom and Dad are seemingly stuck in that role even when the child is an adult and should be stepping up to the plate.

Part of the art of parenting is knowing when to draw the line and when your children need a push. Adult children who are still living at home definitely need a push out into the real world.

Did you know that your job, as parent, isn’t to make your child happy? In fact, an unhappy child is a healthy child. Look at it this way. If you’re happy and everything is going well, are you motivated to change? It’s when things aren’t going well that you start evaluating.
Hmm, that didn’t work so well. Maybe I should try something
different next time.
That same thinking is true for your child. When a child is unhappy (it could be because of something she has done wrong or simply the fact that you are not heeding her wishes), she’s motivated to do something different. That’s again why the “B doesn’t happen until A is completed” principle works so well. What she gets away with . . . or doesn’t get away with . . . depends on how closely you adhere to the principles in this book.

Feeling good is a temporary thing. It’s based on feelings, and those change from moment to moment. A child can feel good about getting a toy he wants, but true self-worth is established when the child works hard for a toy, earns that toy, and truly can call it his own, thinking,
I did that myself. Wow. This is how it
works.
By providing the types of experiences where children pull their weight and learn responsibility and accountability, you are establishing a healthy self-worth.

The Pillars of Self-worth

We’ve already talked about the ABCs of Attitude, Behavior, and Character and how important they are in your child’s life. But there are also a second group of ABCs:

• Acceptance

• Belonging

• Competence

These ABCs are the 3 pillars of self-worth for any person.

Acceptance

Remember, children long for your approval. Your unconditional acceptance of your child means everything in her development. A child lives up to the expectations you have for her. If, by your words and actions, you are portraying the thought,
You are the dumbest kid I’ve ever seen
, your child will have very low self-worth and won’t feel like she can accomplish anything.

If, by your words and actions, you are portraying the thought,
Hey, kid, go for it; I know you can do it
, you’re establishing a healthy self-worth. Children fly sky-high for a long time on just one compliment. But note that the compliment has to be true—not a made-up one to make the child feel better (more on that later in this chapter). Otherwise every kid on the planet will see right through you.
Ah, I get it. I’m a real loser. And that’s what
Mom and Dad think too. Dad can’t even come up with one good
thing to say about me that’s true.
And then that child will live up to your unwritten expectations.

If children don’t find unconditional acceptance in your home, they will talk less (or not at all) to you, listen to CDs nonstop, use their iPods at dinner rather than communicating, and swap stories via IM with their friends about unfair house rules and stinkin’ parents. You see, kids accept kids for who they are. They don’t hassle them for their blue hair (they think it’s kinda cool), their nose ring (they’ve got ’em too),or their baggy pants (give ’em all belts, I say!).

But the truth of the matter is, as important of an influence as peers are to your child, the peer group can’t do diddly-squat for him. Think about it. If your 11-year-old has anything, you bought it for him—that includes soap and a toothbrush. Your child is a lot more helpless than he seems. That’s why the method of “B doesn’t happen until A is completed” works so well.

Does accepting your child mean accepting everything he does? No, because as we’ve said earlier, children can do dumb-as-mud things. There will be times when, frankly, you don’t much like your child. But you can always extend unconditional love and acceptance. If you do, he’ll be less likely to seek acceptance in his peer group.

Belonging

Every child needs to belong somewhere. Will it be in your home or in his peer group? Gangs in South Central L.A. flourish because they provide a sense of belonging. There’s a shared ID there, something those children do not get at home.