Having Her: Lies We Tell, Book 2 (33 page)

The kitchen was kind of a mess too, so he cleaned that up as well. Once that was done, he decided he’d better call the café to check on the new manager she’d hired, make sure everything was running smoothly. It was. After that it seemed only logical to put a stop on her mail so it wouldn’t overflow her post box then call her doctor to check on when her next appointment was. He’d have to cancel it if it was while she was in Tokyo. How long would that be? Why hadn’t she considered all this?

Once he’d finished speaking with the clinic, he opened the fridge to see if she’d got rid of any perishables. She hadn’t. Almost automatically he began clearing out the leftover milk and various other items, putting them on the floor to either take with him when he left or to chuck in the trash. As he did so, he glanced down at his watch, checking on the time. He’d meant to go see his mother in the hospital today and he really didn’t want to be late.

Shit. He’d been there too long. If he didn’t get a move on, he’d miss visiting hours.

You’ve just spent half an hour tidying up her apartment and now you’re cleaning out her fridge. What the hell are you doing?

He blinked, the thought hitting him like a bullet. Good fucking point. What
was
he doing tidying her fridge? She’d jilted him. Left him standing on the steps outside the registry office like a dickhead. And yet here he was, neatening up her apartment, checking on her appointments and cleaning out her kitchen. Looking after her just as he always did.

You know why.

Vin stilled, his heart starting to race.

You love her. Be a fucking man and admit it.

The truth of it was too strong to deny this time. Yes, he did love her. That’s why he’d gotten so angry with her when she didn’t turn up at the registry office. Why he’d gone and gotten drunk. Why he was here now, cleaning her apartment.

He loved her and she’d gone. She’d left him. Just like his father had left him. Just like everyone fucking left him.

Bullshit. She didn’t leave you. She never left you. You were the one who walked away.

Something caught hard under his breastbone. A pain that took his breath away. A realization that tipped over him like ice cold river water on a hot day.

He sat down heavily on the floor, staring unseeing at the fridge.

Jesus, he
had
walked away. She’d told him what she wanted but he’d been the one who’d refused to give it to her and shut her out.

Guess you’re just like your old man after all, buddy.

Vin put his hands on his knees, bent his head. “Shit,” he whispered.

All his life he’d looked after people, took care of them, made sure they were okay. Accepted the responsibilities that came to him. Because stepping up to the plate made him a better man. A better man than his father.

But he wasn’t a better man. Turned out he was just like him. A selfish, self-righteous prick who abandoned the people he loved because he couldn’t take it. And it didn’t make any difference that he hadn’t walked away physically. He had emotionally. He’d shut out the people who mattered in his life because he was too damn scared. Scared of not being good enough. Scared of them leaving him.

Pain tightened, twisted inside his chest.

He’d been blind. Kara had gone and he had nobody to blame but himself.

Vin didn’t know how long it was that he sat in Kara’s kitchen but eventually the beeping of the fridge door shook him out of his depression. Christ, he couldn’t just sit there. He had his mother to see to and he was late enough as it was. There would be time to figure out the rest of it later.

He left the apartment, went back to his office for fresh clothes and a shower, then he made his way to the hospital and the psychiatric ward.

She was sitting in one of the patient lounges, reading a book, and as he approached she looked up and frowned. And he knew this was going to be bad because there was nothing but lucidity in her eyes. Christ, he hated the lucidity. Because it always made him so aware of what he’d lost.

“Vin? You look awful. What’s happened, sweetheart?”

He sat then because those rotten foundations were going to collapse and he was going to break and if that happened he had no idea what he would do. “I’m fine.” He had to say it, had to make it true.

“Sure you are.” She put her book down, leaned over and patted his hand where it rested on his thigh. “Tell your mum.”

“Ellie’s gone,” he made himself say. “She left for Tokyo.”

A shadow crossed Lillian’s still lovely face. “Good. I think…that’s good.”

It was good of course. They both knew that. “I’m going to miss her,” he said.

“You’ll have Hunter to keep you company though, won’t you?”

“He’s gone too. He went with her.” And at Lillian’s puzzled look, he added, “They’re together now.”

His mother sat back on the couch. “So it’s just you and me.”

But it wasn’t really just him and her. It was only him. Because he lost her with every episode.

You didn’t lose her either, dickhead. Like Kara, she’s always been there. You’re the one who’s been too resentful to see her properly.

He swallowed, another hard and painful truth settling inside him.

Jesus, he’d done this to everyone, hadn’t he? Had let his anger at his father color his whole life. Turning the people he loved into burdens he had to shoulder. Crosses he had to bear. But they weren’t.

If he truly wanted to be a better man than his father, he needed to let go of his anger.

He needed to take on those responsibilities without resentment. Without frustration. Without anger. He needed to take them on not to make him feel better about himself but because he wanted to. Because he cared.

The shadow in her eyes didn’t lift. “I don’t think I’ve been much good to you, have I? I haven’t been much of a mother at all.”

Vin looked at her. For the first time in years, he truly looked at her. Without anger. Without resentment. Copper hair and blue eyes. Lines of hardship and pain around her mouth. And a familiar weariness that was so much like his own it hurt.

“It’s okay,” he said softly. “You did just fine…. Mum.” The word sounded strange in his mouth because it had been so very long since he said it. But it felt good to say. Like he was reclaiming something.

“Mum,” she repeated then smiled, her expression lightening. “I haven’t heard that in a while.”

“Because I haven’t said it in a while.” He leaned forward, putting his hand over hers. “And here’s something else I haven’t said in a while. I love you. I hope you know that.”

The shadow vanished completely. “Oh sweetheart. I love you too. You’ve always been there for me. Every single time.”

Well he hadn’t, not really. But he would be from now on. Not because he had to or because he had something to prove, but because he wanted to. Because he loved her.

Just like he loved Kara. Who hadn’t left him. Who’d always been there for him. Who’d given him everything he hadn’t realized he’d even wanted. Not just sex but understanding. Kindness. Someone to lean on. A place to rest. A place to be safe. A haven.

He’d made a mistake. A big one. He’d nearly pushed away the best thing that had ever happened to him because he was angry and scared and not willing to deal with his own shit. But now he was. Now he could. Now he could make this right and he would.

This time it would be for her. Truly for her.

Something of his thoughts have shown on his face because his mother asked suddenly, “You okay?”

Vin squeezed her hand gently. He couldn’t go after Kara like Hunter had with Ellie, but he had another plan. A better plan. She was away for two weeks. He’d have to make them count.

“Yeah, Mum. Actually this time, I think I am.”

The flight back to New Zealand was long and by the time she landed back in Auckland, Kara was jetlagged, her eyes gritty from lack of sleep and her legs aching from lack of movement, a vaguely nauseous feeling in the pit of her stomach.

She’d missed Vin while she’d been away. So much it hurt. The ache settling down into her like rust into metal, eating away at her from the inside out. But no matter how badly it hurt, she didn’t regret walking away from him. He’d helped her build up her pride in herself again and she wasn’t going to let him shatter it.

Even so, every day in Tokyo she’d had to bite down on her urge to ask Ellie whether he’d rung. Whether he’d sent his sister a text or an email, because he hadn’t rung or texted Kara. And only once did she break.

Ellie had shaken her head then said, “But remember, Vin’s default setting isn’t only to protect. It’s also to rely on no one but himself. And that’s because he simply didn’t have anyone else. After Dad took off, he was the only one left.”

Kara knew that feeling. Knew it so well. “So what are you saying?” she’d asked.

“I’m saying he’s not a guy who’s exactly in touch with his feelings all the time. Especially the softer ones.” Ellie had hesitated, brushing her copper colored bangs away from her eyes. “Vin needs someone. Looking out for me, taking care of Mum, growing his business…he’s been so busy there hasn’t been much time for friends or relationships for him. And everyone, no matter how strong they are, needs a person they can be weak with. Someone they can be vulnerable with.”

Kara had felt her throat tighten. “I just don’t know… I just don’t think Vin can let himself be vulnerable with anyone.”

“Give him a chance, Kar,” Ellie had said. “In many ways, you’re stronger than he is and he needs someone strong.”

She tried to put the conversation from her mind because simply getting through the immigration nightmare due to a huge planeload of people arriving just before her was bad enough. Then her suitcase took forever to get onto the baggage carousel. Just about every single person from her flight had got theirs by the time hers came out and then she couldn’t find a trolley to put it on.

An hour later Kara finally got through customs and pushed her trolley out into the arrivals hall feeling like crap.

Then she caught a glimpse of a tall, familiar figure amongst the crowds of people waiting for new arrivals. And she came to a dead stop.

Vin stood there like a rock amid a sea of shifting sand. He had his hands thrust in the pockets of his jeans, his blue-gray eyes fixed on her as if she was the only person in the whole airport worth looking at.

She felt the impact of his gaze like a shock applied to a stopped heart, setting it beating again. Making her blood pump hard through her body, calling her back to life.

What the hell was he doing here?

She wanted to run to him, fling herself into his arms, let his strength and his heat fill up the ache inside her, scour away the rust. The urge was so strong she had to grip tight to the trolley to stop herself from doing so.

Vin’s gaze didn’t waver, neither did he move. He just stood there, staring at her, the look in his eyes hungry, like a sailor desperate for the sight of land.

It had only been two weeks since she’d seen him but it felt like far longer. A lifetime. Forever.

She began to move toward him because there simply wasn’t anywhere else to go. Anywhere else she wanted to go. He was magnetic north to her compass needle. She’d always be drawn to him wherever she was.

He remained still as she approached, something unfamiliar in his expression. In his whole posture. But she couldn’t pinpoint what it was so all she said was, “What are you doing here?”

“Picking you up.”

She’d been expecting to get a taxi or an airport shuttle, too tired to manage the logistics of a bus with a big case. But both were expensive and she didn’t have much in the way of New Zealand cash on her. Vin’s offer was welcome. Yet it changed nothing.

“Why?” she asked bluntly. “I thought I was clear about things when I left.”

Still he didn’t move. “Yeah, you were clear. And I guess I should be grateful for the text.”

Kara flushed. “Okay, so I’m sorry about that. It was…wrong. But did you get my note?”

“No,” he said, just as blunt. “I ripped it up.”

Oh shit. He must have been really pissed in that case. “I’m sorry,” she repeated, not knowing what else to say. “I had to go.”

“I know.”

“And seeing you would have made things worse. I couldn’t…” She stopped as what he’d said slowly sunk into her jet-lagged brain. “What you do mean, ‘you know’?”

“I mean I know you had to go.” He paused, his gaze roving over her. “And I was angry about that, which is why I ripped up your note. But…I’m not angry anymore.”

She gripped the handle of the trolley, staring at him, searching his face. Yes, that’s why his expression was so different. The fierce, angry spark that so often glinted in his blue eyes was gone, as was the rigid tension that usually characterized his posture.

He looked relaxed, calm. And very determined.

“Vin?” she asked slowly. “Did something happen?”

“You could say that. But I’m not going to talk about it now. You look dead on your feet.”

“Yeah, well.” She suddenly felt more tired than she’d ever felt in her entire life. “I am.”