I pull out the photos I took from the iron room, the ones of him and Rafa. I don’t attempt to explain how I got them. ‘And so did you.’
He studies each picture. ‘This is mental, right?’
I nod and my throat closes over again. I watch him frowning while he thinks, his unruly hair in his eyes. My brother. Alive. Here, with me. And then he comes around the table, pulls me into another hug. He still smells salty. I bury my face in his neck; his stubble is rough against my cheek.
‘I’m so sorry,’ he whispers, his voice thick.
‘Me too.’
We breathe together. In. Out. In. Out. We’ve never been huggers; we are now.
He lets out a deep sigh. ‘You’re alive. That’s all that matters.’
‘But Jude…’ My words are muffled and he pulls back to look at me. ‘What we remember…none of it’s real. Not Peru, not Italy, not school. Not our parents.’
He frowns again, lets me go.
‘What do you remember?’ I ask.
We sit on the edge of the table. He stares out the window for a moment, and then he tells me: fighting with our parents; running off backpacking without telling them; the race up the hill at Monterosso; camping in Peru; bungee jumping in Switzerland; getting jobs in London; the crash. Our stories aren’t similar—they are exactly the same.
Exactly
. Neither of us has a memory the other doesn’t.
‘We went to Italy after Switzerland, right?’ he asks me. ‘Do you remember how we got there—train, bus, car?’
‘No, I’ve got lots of gaps from that trip. Anything before the accident is hazy.’
‘But we’ve both got the same gaps. I guess whoever did this didn’t think we’d ever have the chance to compare memories,’ Jude says. ‘But why? I don’t understand why someone would make us think we’re different people, make us believe we lost each other. What does it achieve?’
‘I don’t know.’ I pause. ‘But Rafa thinks you might have been involved somehow.’
‘Based on what?’
‘On the fact we still know we’re twins; that the way I remember you is apparently not that different to who you used to be—minus the half-angel bit. And the fact I know the words to every Foo Fighters song ever written.’
‘You hate Foo Fighters.’
‘Yep, especially at six o’clock in the morning. And now I don’t.’
‘That’s bizarre.’ A crooked smile. ‘And kind of cool.’
‘And I’ve been dreaming about that nightclub massacre, which turns out to be your memory, not mine.’
‘But why would I do that? How could I do that?’
Now’s not the time to tell him we probably did a deal with demons—and it nearly got us killed. He can come to that conclusion on his own.
‘So, how did you find me?’ Jude asks, shaking off the too-hard questions.
I tell him about Melbourne. And Mandy.
‘How is she?’
‘Okay, I guess. Still hung up on you.’
‘She’s only human.’ Jude’s smile is ironic until he realises what he’s just said. I prod him before he can get too lost in that train of thought.
‘I can’t believe you were in an actual relationship.’
‘I thought it would help, but she wanted more than I could give her. The usual drama, really, it just took a little longer.’
I don’t remember Jude being this open with me. We never talked about relationship stuff, or not that I remember anyway. He crosses to the window, listens to the surf.
‘I’ve missed that sound. I thought about coming here when I was in hospital, but then I hooked up with Mandy and we went to Tassie—’
‘You were still coming to Pan Beach?’
‘Yeah, but it felt wrong. If I hadn’t been pushing so hard about coming here, I wouldn’t have run off the road.’
I close my eyes for a second, hear squealing tyres.
‘Actually, you were thinking about coming to Pan Beach…
before
,’ I say. ‘You’d bookmarked surfing websites on your laptop. One of them was for here.’
Jude comes back to the table. ‘It doesn’t matter. What’s on that laptop, what happened before, the memories, none of it.’
‘How can you say that?’
‘Because you’re my sister. End of story.’
‘We didn’t speak for ten years, Jude. The past—’ I pause. ‘It’s complicated and messy and it’s not going to go away.’
‘We’ll figure it out.’
I stare past him at a black mark on the window and the way it blocks a fraction of the sun. ‘I can’t lose you again.’
‘That’s not going to happen. Ever.’
‘I don’t want to remember my old life if it’s going to tear us apart again.’
‘Gaby.’ He waits until I look at him. ‘I don’t care what happened. Nothing is going to tear us apart.’ He pulls out a chair. ‘All I want now is to keep you safe.’
‘I don’t think that’s an option any more.’
‘Why not? We could go to one of those beaches, disappear.’ He meets my eyes. ‘Get on with our lives without all this other shit hanging over our heads.’
We watch each other. The possibility hangs between us.
‘Fucking unbelievable.’
We look up to find Rafa standing in the hallway, his eyes dark, flinty.
Accusing.
CAN YOU HANDLE THE TRUTH?
‘You could walk away from us—just like that?’ Rafa is gripping his beer bottle so tightly his knuckles are white. He must have shifted to the hallway because we didn’t hear him coming.
Jude opens his mouth. Closes it again.
‘You’re our fucking leader. Everything went to shit when you disappeared. And now you’re back and you’re going to piss off again?’ Rafa’s gaze moves to me. ‘And you’d go with him, wouldn’t you? You two, finally together again, and the rest of us can get fucked.’
‘Rafa, ease up,’ I say. ‘He doesn’t remember that life.’
He shakes his head. ‘I forgot what it’s like when you two are together. Nothing else matters.’
‘Mate.’ Jude stands up. ‘We’re not going anywhere.’
‘You have no idea, do you? You two lost each other—I lost both of you.’ He hurls the bottle at the wall. It smashes against the tiles over the sink and the place instantly reeks of beer. ‘Screw this.’ He shifts. Two seconds later something hits the wall in his room.
Jude is still staring at the space where Rafa was just standing.
‘I’ll go,’ I say.
‘I don’t think he’s in the mood for talking.’
‘I’ll be fine.’
He studies me. ‘What’s the story with you two?’
I pick at the hem of my t-shirt. ‘It’s complicated.’
Rafa is sitting on the edge of his bed, knees on elbows, head down. The chair is on its side, one steel leg folded back at the wrong angle. There’s a hole in the flaking wall above it, plaster dust on the floor. Putting furniture through walls is starting to become a habit.
‘Rafa.’ I sit next to him on the grey-and-white-striped doona. Sunlight falls through the window onto his pillow.
He doesn’t lift his head. I’m close enough to touch him. I don’t. From the kitchen comes sounds of clinking glass and running water.
‘Jude’s not going anywhere,’ I say.
He doesn’t react. I hate it when he’s this quiet; it’s unnerving.
‘And neither am I. Not without you.’
He turns his head towards me, but doesn’t look at me. ‘Yeah? Why not?’
‘Because I don’t want to.’
‘You could’ve fooled me.’
‘Rafa—’
‘You’re hot then you’re cold. You trust me, then you don’t. You let me get close, then you shut me down. You’ve got Jude now, you don’t need me.’
‘I do.’ I say it quietly because the words are hard. ‘I do need you.’
He stares past me for a few seconds, breathing quietly. ‘Why?’
‘Do you have to ask?’
When he looks at me, his eyes are clouded. ‘Gaby…’
I tuck my hands between my knees and wait. Give him space.
Finally Rafa frowns and exhales. ‘Jude’s right. The safest thing would be for you both to disappear again. Cut contact with all of us.’
‘We’re not doing that, and you know it.’ He doesn’t speak again so I lean closer, lower my voice. ‘I know things are messy with us, but do you really think I could just walk away from you?’
This time he doesn’t look away. ‘Do you really think I’d let you?’
We watch each other for a few long seconds.
‘We really suck at this, don’t we?’ he says.
‘You don’t see Mags and Jason yelling at each other in a deserted park in the middle of the night.’
‘Only one of us was yelling.’
‘Yeah, well, I didn’t expect to suddenly find myself alone.’
‘Did the swan scare you?’ A smile plays on his lips.
‘Shut up.’ I say it softly.
He’s still watching me, his green eyes looking for something. ‘Gaby…I’m not going to talk about the past any more, okay? Whatever this is, it starts now.’
Whatever this is.
I take in his long lashes, the strong lines of his face. Everything about him is so familiar now.
‘That’s okay for now, Rafa. But it’s not going away. We’ll have to deal with it some time. Can you live with that?’
He hesitates, and then his lips brush mine, tentative. I kiss him back—firmly, purposefully—take a handful of his t-shirt to keep him close. He murmurs his approval and draws my legs across his lap. This kiss is longer, lingering. His hand strays to my thigh. I touch his face, trace his jaw with my thumb. When we break apart, Rafa rests his forehead on mine. ‘God, I want you,’ he whispers.
Footsteps in the hallway remind us we’re not alone.
I swing my legs back around so my feet are on the floor. Rafa takes a deep breath, still watching me. Jude clears his throat before he steps into the doorway. If he notices the charged air between us he doesn’t mention it.
‘So you’re going to hang around?’ Rafa says. I reach down, pretend to retie my boot lace to hide the heat in my neck.
‘Yeah.’ Jude rubs his shoulder, the one he landed on. ‘I need to understand who we are and figure out what happened last year. It’s the only way we can stay safe. Until then we’re running blind.’
‘I thought none of that mattered?’
Jude acknowledges the dig with a dry smile.
‘If that’s the plan then, buddy, you’re going to need help. You need to choose who to trust: the Outcasts or Nathaniel’s crew.’
‘Why do I have to choose either? You’ll do.’
Rafa blinks and then laughs. ‘All I’ve been worried about is finding you. I don’t have much of a plan beyond that. You were always the one for strategy.’
Jude picks up the chair, straightens the bent leg. ‘Give me time, I’ll come up with something.’
Rafa shakes his head, his smile the same as Jude’s.
‘What?’ Jude tests his weight on the chair before sitting down.
‘You. You haven’t changed. No drama. No bullshit. You’re rolling with all this so much quicker than Gaby did.’
He looks at me quickly and I feel the heat in my neck again, the kiss. I push it away. I can’t be offended: he’s right. In fact, it’s a little disconcerting how easily Jude is slipping into this new life.
Jude seems to weigh up something. ‘All this…it almost makes sense. Ever since I woke up in the hospital, I’ve felt…wrong. Not only because you were gone,’ he says to me. ‘It’s like there’s something I should be doing, but I can’t quite remember what it is. And the dreams, they’ve always felt more like memories.’ He shrugs, apologetic. ‘The only way I’ve coped is being on the water. Out in the strait the sky’s so big, the ocean so demanding, the rest of the world falls away.’
My phone rings in my back pocket and Jude recognises the Foo Fighters tune and smiles.
It’s Maggie.
‘Are you still at Rafa’s?’ she says before I can speak.
‘Yeah.’
‘We’re coming there now.’
‘What’s going on?’
A pause. ‘Jason has heard from Dani. She wants to talk to you.’
FROM THE MOUTHS OF BABES
Maggie and Jason arrive before we’re back in the kitchen.
‘This place smells like a brewery,’ Maggie says.
The remnants of Rafa’s bottle are in the sink, the dishcloth rinsed and drying over the tap. I join Maggie at the table.
‘Well?’ I say to Jason. ‘Where is she?’
‘I don’t know. She’s ringing back in a minute.’
‘For fuck’s sake,’ Rafa says. ‘Why can’t she tell us where she is and we’ll go there? We’re not going to hurt her.’
Jason sets his phone on the table between us. ‘We’re not putting her at risk.’
I pick the glass from the sink, take it to the bin. Why now? Has she suddenly remembered something? And do I want to know right this minute?
I’ve got Jude back. All I want is a bit of time with him without all the other bullshit. Is that too much to ask?
‘What did she say?’ I ask.
‘She’s had a vision. She didn’t say what it was, only that she needed to talk to you and Rafa. And she knows we found Jude…’
Jude sits across from Maggie and me. ‘This is our, what—distant cousin? The girl who sees angels and demons, and…us?’
‘She doesn’t see the Fallen—except for Nathaniel,’ I say. ‘And she hasn’t been able to see either of us for a year.’
‘But she was there when we were hurt?’
‘If she was she doesn’t remember it. But it was her vision that led to us doing whatever it was we did.’
Jason’s phone rings and he puts it straight to speaker.
‘Dani?’
‘Are you with them?’ She’s on speaker too. Her voice is soft with a hint of a New York accent. It’s hard to believe it belongs to a seer gifted enough to be a threat to the Rephaim. She sounds even younger than twelve. ‘Gabe and Jude, are they there?’
‘We’re here.’ I nod for Jude to say something.
‘Hey, kid.’
For a few seconds, nothing. And then a sob. ‘I’m so sorry.’ Dani’s voice breaks up. ‘I wish I knew what happened but I can’t remember. I can’t see it, no matter how hard I try. I don’t know what I did wrong—’
‘Dani, Dani,’ Jason says. ‘It’s okay. Isn’t it, Gaby?’ He looks at me, pleading.
‘Yeah, don’t beat yourself up. We don’t remember it either.’ And please stop crying.
Dani sniffles, hiccoughs. We give her a moment.
‘I still can’t see you unless you’re with other Rephaim,’ she says. ‘I don’t know what that means. Maybe if I could—’
‘Do you remember visiting two hospitals in Melbourne last year?’
‘Rafa.’ Jason catches his eye. ‘Not now.’
‘When would be the time, given she and her mother never talk to you?’ Rafa leans over the phone. ‘We know what you and your mother did.’