Head of the River (14 page)

The house is too quiet. I feel panicky and stressed about my messed-up life. My messed-up head. The drugs I'm taking and what damage they're doing. Everything. Outside my window, it's starting to get dark. I text Leni, worried.
Where RU?

I shouldn't be surprised.

When we were kids on a camping trip up north, Leni borrowed a canoe and paddled it to a nearby island, thinking it was close. She was planning to get there and back before anyone even noticed she was gone. By lunchtime the water police were out looking for her and Mum was crying. She turned up, halfway to the next town, exhausted and burnt to a crisp. No hat, no water, no sunscreen. Taken downstream by the current and totally out of her depth. My parents didn't know whether to shake her or hug her. In the end they did both. ‘Don't do that, ever again!' I had yelled at her, furious. But she did. Over and over again. Disappearing into the ether. Thinking about no one but herself.

Sometimes I think she's selfish, but mostly I know that's how Leni is. She gets lost sometimes.

Leni texts back and I grab my phone, relieved.

Sorry! Nearly home.

She shows up a few minutes later at my bedroom door, flushed and happier than I've seen her in ages. Wearing men's tracksuit pants and a baggy T-shirt.

‘Nice threads.'

She looks down at her outfit like she'd forgotten she was wearing it.

‘Did you and Adam get back together?' I ask. Hoping I won't have to do the make up break-up ride with my bestie and my sister. It's been awkward enough already.

‘No. But there is someone …'

‘Don't. Adam's my best mate. If you tell me, I'll have to tell him. Best you don't mention any names.'

‘I wasn't going to anyway. It's probably nothing.'

Leni falls into a beanbag. ‘You might not want my advice, but maybe you should take a cooling-off period from the Penny situation. I've seen all that Facebook stuff. Stop sending her messages. She's going to get creeped out.'

‘I think she already is. I went round there. Chucked some flowers at her house. It was Mum's idea. I'm like a proper stalker.'

‘
Stop,
' says Leni, giving me her sister eye.

‘I'll stop,' I agree. Sometimes I need Leni to pull me into line.

I put music on and we sit and listen to it for a while. Both absorbed in our own thoughts.

‘Leni, you ever think about not rowing anymore?' I ask in the darkening room.

The dark always makes me feel like I can say anything to Leni. When we were little we shared a bunk bed. Leni below, me hanging my head over the edge. We would talk and talk
after lights out until one of us would fall asleep mid-sentence.

‘
No.
Do you?'

‘Sometimes.'

‘You have four months to go, Cris. Just hang in there. You'll get back in the firsts. Win the Head of the River. Win Nationals. You've done it before. Wait 'til the next erg trials. You'll smash Sam. You'll smash everyone. Have you looked in the mirror lately? You've lost so much weight. You've got guns. Everyone's talking about it.'

‘Are they?' I perk up a bit. It's been a while since I've had guns. All my muscles have been lost in a thick layer of fat.

‘Yeah. You and Adam both. What have you guys been doing in the gym?'

I glance at my desk drawer. Still inside it is the zip-lock bag with enough 'roids and appetite zappers to last me a month. After we ripped through the first supply of drugs, Adam went back to Doug and got us a top up. I wish I didn't have to take them, but they're my only hope. I've promised Adam I'll get back into the firsts with him and to do that my spare tyres have got to go and I've got to train harder, faster and better than superfreak Sam. If I stop now I'll be forced to row out the seasons in the seconds and probably lose my full scholarship. I might have regrets but there's no going back. The results make the guilt easier to bear. At least the drugs are doing the job.

‘Don't worry, I'll finish this season. I have to,' I say, avoiding her question.

‘Dad's been asking me to check in with you. He thinks you're all over the shop. Are you okay, bro? Really? You do seem a bit on edge.'

‘Tell him I'm fine.'

‘Are you?'

I wasn't okay. I was agitated. I couldn't focus. My nerves were jittery. One minute I felt like I was flying. Invincible. The next, I came crashing back to earth in a depressed heap. But I could stand it; the side effects were temporary. The Head of the River cup I'd keep forever.

‘No. Tell him anyway.'

She will, because we cover for each other. Always have, always will.

Leni

I heat up some leftover pasta in the common room microwave and wait for it, glancing around the busy room. Where do I go now?

On my left is Adam and his crowd. I couldn't sit with them, even if I wanted to. There's something to be said for space, and Adam seems to want it from me. On my right is Audrey and Marion. Audrey has her back turned to me, head bent over a plastic container of beads and trinkets, sifting for the perfect droplet to hang on an earring or necklace. She'll sell them to the beautiful people for a hefty mark-up.

Marion passes her a silver chain and Audrey takes it, threading on an arrow and a red ceramic pendant. She holds it up to the light, asks Marion what she thinks.

‘A feather?' Marion says.

‘Yeah, good idea. Pass me a yellow one.'

That would've been my job – before I screwed everything up. The girls laugh and I feel a sting of regret. Why was I so quick to take the easy option? To choose Adam, when I wasn't even sure about him? I long to go up to Audrey, plonk down on crossed legs and lean into their conversation, but I made my choice. There's no going back now.

Across the room Adam catches my eye. I smile at him, hoping we can be friends, but he glazes over and turns to Aiko next to him, giving her his full attention. Just like he used to do with me. I put my head down, anxiety rising. At least Sam is absent. I spied him heading down to the library with his laptop.

The microwave dings, finally, and I grab my hot container and head for the gym. I'll be friends with my weights program today. And every other day until the Head of the River.

I fast-track to the tram stop after school. Audrey's there, waiting. Like always. I feel my spirits lift. At least out of school grounds I still have some friends.

‘You okay?' Audrey says. ‘Kieren and I were worried about you the other night. How come you didn't call me back?'

I feel sheepish for making a scene at her house the other night. I've made a big drama over something I should be able to handle. I'm eighteen next year. An adult. How come I still feel like a baby? Audrey's so far ahead of me, having real sex relationships with boys who drive and have chest hair and are almost at uni. I feel left out and lagging.

‘Sorry I ran off,' I say. ‘I guess I didn't want to intrude.'

‘You could have stayed. We would've put clothes on.'

‘I shouldn't have dropped in like that.'

‘You should
always
drop in like that, Leni,' Audrey says. ‘You don't need to announce yourself. Hey, I heard you and Prince Charming broke up. Did you do the dumping?'

‘Actually, he dumped me.'

I feel miserable.

‘Well, there's only one thing that will make you feel better. Sunny's pork roll?'

‘I dunno. I've got study,' I say.

‘Come on. This is our last hang out before Kieren and I take Doris to Queensland for the summer.'

Doris is Audrey's family campervan.

‘Don't go. How am I going to survive the summer of sales without you?'

I'm dreading my summer job – check-out chicking at Target. Six weeks of black polyester slacks, scratchy shirts and lost name tags. Endless beeping of sporting goods, sunscreen and cheap T-shirts, my feet aching and my cheerful ‘how are you today?' greeting straining to breaking point. The only thing that made it bearable was seeing Audrey on a nearby register. Meeting up during our twenty-minute break for warm cinnamon doughnuts and bad coffee from Donut King.

‘When do you leave?' I ask. Missing her already.

‘Friday arvo. Right after our last class.'

‘Oh. Not staying for Christmas?'

‘Nuh. Mum's chucking a fit, but she's releasing me from my daughterly duties. Sure you can't meet me on the road? We'll be at Summerdaze after New Year's.'

‘Gotta make some cashola,' I say.

I needed to save every cent while school was out. Unlike my classmates, my parents couldn't stretch to pocket money. Cristian would be at Bunnings in a green apron, hauling heavy stock and mixing up paints. We would both work the longest hours possible and the worst shifts, so we could have some funds during the year, when we were loaded with training and study.

We hop on the tram and sit facing each other.

‘How's that rowing thing going?' Audrey says.

‘I made Captain of Boats.'

‘Legend. And what of Bike Pant Guy? Now that you and Adam are off, are you guys planning a Bikram yoga session together?'

I put my hands over my face and groan.

‘We kissed.'

‘No.'

‘We did
more
than kissing.'

Audrey gasps. ‘More
what
than kissing? What about Adam? What exactly have you been up to, young lady?'

As we inch towards Fitzroy on the hot, smelly tram I tell her the whole story. All of it, except the bit about falling asleep with Sam. That part is mine to keep. Replaying it in my head when I need to.

‘The big question is, does Sam give you the
jtzooum
?' Audrey asks.

‘He gives me the
jtzooum
times a thousand.'

‘Oh dear,' says Audrey. ‘You've got it bad.'

Cristian

Some things are easy to predict: I'm the laughing stock of the boatsheds. As I walk into the sheds, Nick pretends to vomit on Charley's head next to him.

‘Where's Penny?' says Charley.

He's younger than me by a good two years and he's a foot shorter. I could squash him with one hand. ‘Are you going to give her another spew shower?'

‘Shut up. Or I will hurt you both.'

Adam puts his hand on my shoulder in solidarity. Or maybe to stop me smashing the guys' faces together. I'm usually pretty laidback, but lately I've been exploding at small things.

‘As if you blokes are any better with the ladies,' he says. ‘Nick, I saw Elissa Clarke palm you off on Saturday night. Charley, I don't even think you've managed to kiss a girl or reach puberty for that matter. How about you blokes stop shooting your mouths off?' Adam moves towards them aggressively, and Charley and Nick scuttle off in the direction of the boats.

‘Thanks, man,' I say.

When we were fifteen and sat together in the thirds, I was chubby and awkward. The older rowers were constantly ragging on me. Telling me to lose the love handles. Sort out my bowl cut. I got so self-conscious I'd get undressed in the locked toilets, instead of the change room. Adam would go in to defend me every time – straight in, scrapping and giving it back to them. Even though I was tall enough and strong enough to stand up for myself.

‘Forget them. Imagine what we are going to look like after summer holidays? Built. Nobody will bother us then.'

Adam does look meaner and more solid these days. The scar above his eye adds to the effect.

‘No worries. Listen, I've got some more, um, vitamins for you. Enough to last us until the Head. Come and get them after our row. They're in my car. I'll give you a lift to school.'

‘Cool. Hey, Ads, are you having any weird side effects?'

Adam shrugs. ‘A few.'

‘What ones?'

Adam pulls up his shirt and turns around. Angry, pus-filled acne peppers the skin across his back.

‘Clearasil doesn't even touch it,' he says, pulling the shirt back down.

‘I feel a bit weird. Angry or something,' I admit.

‘Of course you do, you're pumping a shitload of extra testosterone into your body. Don't worry too much about it. Just try not to pull down any more hedges, okay?'

‘Sorry about that.'

‘No worries, mate. It's just a few more months.'

Leni

It's the last day of school, thank God.

It's hot and everyone's acting a little crazy. Rachel's wearing a uniform that's completely taken over with graffiti. The white collar painted pink. As soon as the final bell goes the Year Elevens are in charge. We've finally reached the top of the heap.

We get our exam results back, and everyone gossips about them for a few hours. Mine are as expected: straight As. The same results I've been getting my entire school life. Anything less would be devastating. I work my arse off to make sure they never, ever slip.

We watch some supposedly educational DVDs, clean out our lockers and mooch about waiting for the day to time out. At lunchtime I take a break from the gym and walk down to the uniform shop to order my embroidered Captain of Boats pocket that I'll sew onto my blazer.

It won't be the first time I've worn the blazer. Our outgoing captain Gill Kentwell was in the shower after a training session and I took the opportunity to try on hers. The room was empty, but anyone could've walked in, so I only kept it on for a few seconds. I put my hand to the loops of gold thread outlining the crossed oars and the lettering underneath, imagining my own name there.
Elena Popescu, Captain of Boats.

Sam will have a rowing blazer too. Just like mine.
Sam.
He's
all I can think about. In quiet moments he
fills all the spaces, cracks and holes in my head. I spotted him back at assembly this morning, my heart doing a cartwheel. He's been gone most of the week volunteering with the
HelpingHands
school program. They get time out from classes to visit old people, deliver food to shelters or plant trees. I've done it the last few years, and I regret not putting my name down this time. I've missed out on all that time with Sam.