Heart (13 page)

Letting myself into the house, I can almost see the fog of weed clouding the air. I can certainly smell it.
Not again.
Avoiding the raucous jeering and loud music coming from the lounge, and knowing the kitchen will probably be filled with overflowing ashtrays and beer cans, I go straight upstairs.

The door to Grace’s room is closed; hopefully she has managed to avoid whatever shit is going on downstairs. Josh wisely made arrangements to stay at a mate’s house. Although he seems to spend more time with Callum’s family than he does here, who can blame him? But, even though he’s still only a kid, I feel happier when he’s here if I’m not. I worry that even the lock I fixed to the inside of Grace’s door may not be enough protection from some of the gang Mum has now made a part of the household.

After taking a piss and brushing my teeth, I go to my room and close the door. Before I’ve even got my shirt off, there is a quiet knock which can only be Grace. Nobody else knocks, let alone quietly, in this house. I open the door and let my pyjama-clad sister in.

“Can I sleep in Josh’s bed? I don’t want to be by myself.” Taking in her wide eyes and pale complexion, I feel my insides tense and my fists clench. If I ask her what has gone on, she’ll only get upset and then she won’t sleep, so I school my face into nothing more than friendly, brotherly concern.

“Of course you can. You could have come in earlier. You don’t need permission.” I know it probably sounds weird, wrong even, for a seventeen-year-old girl to sleep in her twenty-year-old brother’s bedroom. But, hey, welcome to our world. If she’s too scared to sleep in her own room, I’m not going to refuse her, am I? I can’t.

Grace’s hug before she climbs into the tangled mess of Josh’s unmade bed calms me. She rolls over to give me the privacy I need to remove my socks and jeans.

“’Night, Grace.”

“’Night, Jake.”

This is why I had to end things with Neve.

This
is
my life.

Garrett was conspicuous only in his absence over the next few days.

Despite feeling a sense of trepidation every time I opened the door to the lecture hall, Garrett’s usual seat, next to my usual seat, was empty. I adopted a new place, next to Millie who, as Ruby had promised, was lovely. She came from Bristol and had a soft Somerset accent. Combined with her silver-grey hair and multiple piercings, she was as far from Garrett as a friend could be. With no question as to why, she welcomed me into her circle of friends, ensuring I now had someone to be with in lectures, seminars and all of the times in between if I wanted.

Mickey was something else entirely. As Ruby had warned, he was the most effeminate guy I had ever met. And I loved him from the moment he greeted me with a bear hug outside the lecture hall.

“It felt like a blind date, so I thought I’d better carry something so you’d know who I was,” he laughed, holding out a single red rose. I took a sniff of its perfume and smiled.

“Why, thank you, kind sir. You sure know the way to a girl’s heart.” I fluttered my eyelashes, enjoying the playfulness.

“Oh, I’m just going to love being your BFF,” Mickey declared before making us walk in to the lecture, arm in arm. He moved with the confidence of one who has had to earn it and I knew, without him telling me, that he had probably had a rough time at school because of his sexuality.

Over lunch, he admitted he had first noticed me in the cafeteria, not in class. Well, he had noticed Garrett and then me. It was hardly surprising; even I couldn’t deny that Garrett was ridiculously attractive. I found myself opening up and telling Mickey the whole sorry story of how I came to be friendless and loveless after a month at university.

“That’s just because it’s taken you a month to find me, honey. Now, are you going to the Vamps and Pussy party tomorrow?”

I almost choked on my drink. “The
what
?”

“The Vamps and Pussy party. It’s for Halloween; you know, vampires and cats. Witches are probably welcome, too, if that’s what floats your boat. Ruby’s going, with that badass girlfriend of hers.” Smiling at his oh-so-accurate description of Kema, I thought about it.
Why not?

“I’m in. What are you going as?” His smile became huge.

“Oh, babe, that’s fabulous. I was thinking of going as a vampire, but one of the sparkling Twilight ones, not the ‘I vant to drink your blood’ type. Ooh, ooh, how about being my Bella?” As he rattled on about cheap wigs and coordinating outfits, I smiled at his enthusiasm. A party could be just what I needed.

The next night, I buzzed Mickey in and he joined Ruby, Kema and I in the kitchen, where we were drinking a cheap bottle of sparkling wine. He hadn’t been joking about going for the sparkly look; every millimetre of skin was covered in a glistening powder, giving him an ethereal glow at odds with his size.

Mickey and I had visited countless charity shops that afternoon, searching for the perfect outfits to match our characters. We had ended up going with the wedding day look after finding him a tuxedo jacket and bow tie. By some miracle of coincidence, we had also found a 1920s-style wedding dress which, after I had cut it to mid-thigh length, fit me perfectly and looked a lot less grandmotherly. I had managed to coax a cheap black wig into something like waves and had kept my makeup super pale, other than for smoky eyes.

“Here you go, honey. Just in case they don’t realise who we are.” Mickey handed over an ID card-size badge of the book’s famous cover, pinning an identical badge onto his lapel. I smiled; it wasn’t just to help others identify us, it meant I wasn’t alone. I was with someone. After giving him a huge kiss, I pinned my badge onto the shoulder of my dress.

The beep of a horn made us down the remains of our plastic beakers before running downstairs to the cab.

“Seventh Heaven, please,” Kema told the driver as he laughed at our outfits. “You’re going to love it there, Neve. Have you ever been to a gay bar?”
Gay bar?
My face was all the answer she needed and she roared with laughter. “Oh, you’re in for an eye-opening experience!” The others all nodded in agreement and shared stories of their respective first times. I was sure they were winding me up with some of their tales. But, if they weren’t, I felt safe in the company of this motley crew who had quickly become my friends.

After paying our entrance fee at the door, we were shepherded into a dim hallway, our only guide the thumping music coming from a room on the other side of a double doorway at its end. When we reached the doors, Kema flashed us all a huge smile.

“Ready, everyone?” She threw open the doors and my eyes struggled to adjust to the flashing lights of the space beyond. Entering this underworld, my senses were assaulted. Some faintly-recognisable disco tune was blaring, the lights blinking and turning in time with its rhythm. Everywhere I looked were people: people in fancy dress, people in fetish gear, people in next to nothing.

“Close your mouth, Bella,” Mickey joked, grabbing my hand and creating a path through the crowd. And that was when the smell hit me: a combination of sweat, face-paint and rubber. “Millie’s over by the DJ, see?” I looked over to the DJ’s booth and saw a silver afro waving both arms. Feeling more confident now I knew the direction we were heading, I noticed how many of the revellers were male. Naively, I’d thought a gay bar would be a more equal balance of gay and lesbian but I was wrong. Not that I was complaining as many of the men were gorgeous – and semi-naked. Opting to smile and make the most of the position I found myself in, I greeted Millie with a grin.

“I didn’t know you were coming, as well!”

“You didn’t think I’d miss this, did you? It’s going to be amazing!” She took a drink from one of the people stood with her, some of whom I recognised. “You and Mickey look too cute!”

“Thanks. I didn’t realise they had cats in space.” Millie wore a silver leotard, tights and ears. Even her cat nose and whiskers were silver to match the giant afro she had teased her hair into.

“I’ll take that as a compliment! Fancy a dance?” Without waiting for my reply, she pulled me into a tiny space and started dancing. It had been ages since I last danced and I had forgotten it felt so liberating. With the state of some of the other dancers, there was no way people were going to waste their time looking at me. I let the beat move through my veins until I had tuned out almost everything other than its rhythm.

Other than stopping for a bottle of water, I spent the whole night dancing. Sometimes Mickey joined me, sometimes Millie did, sometimes PVC-clad strangers were my dance partners. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt so free. Everyone around me was focused on enjoying each other’s company; I swear I had never seen so much kissing and touching in one place.

It was a room filled with promise. And I loved every moment I spent in that space.

“It’s time to go, honey,” Mickey shouted as he grabbed hold of my hands. I let out a petulant sigh but was wise enough to leave with them.

Emerging from the darkness of the club entrance into the pre-dawn moonlight, I couldn’t remember the last time I had felt so happy.

His hands gripped my waist, tugging me to him. My back moulded to the hard plane of his chest and I leant my head against his shoulder. As his hands moved down the curve of my hips, I felt a tingle of electricity jolt through me. Holding me so tight I could feel the denim of his jeans through the gauzy material of my dress, he nudged my head to one side. Raining a line of kisses on my neck, he rendered me incapable of rational thought.

I pushed my hips back into his, desperately trying to increase the contact between us. I felt his tell-tale response which caused a flush of heat to pervade every part of me. I groaned and felt his kisses turn to light nips, his teeth grazing my skin and leaving a millisecond of cool dampness in their wake.

Craving more, I turned in his arms and he pulled me even closer than I was before. His hands were now on my bum, holding me so close I swear I could feel every line, every ridge of him. When I looped my arms around his neck, he picked me up, allowing me to wrap my legs around his waist.

“Hold on,” he muttered into my neck, gripping me tightly as he walked us over to a nearby wall. Leaning back against it, he continued to hold me against him as his mouth searched out mine. His tongue was soon doing battle with mine, his stubble lightly grazing my skin. Now able to feel him pressed between my legs, the front of my dress bunched up at my waist, I needed him to hold me in place or I would have become a molten puddle on the floor. When he started gently thrusting at me, my knickers offered no protection from the friction he created. I heard the wanton moaning coming from my throat in time with the movements of his hips but didn’t care who heard. As the pressure of his mouth and hips increased, I tipped over the edge.

“Jake!” I screamed before everything went black.