Heart Breaths (16 page)

“Well, that’s why you don’t wear it with a shirt,” she replied, her grin fairly devious.

“Don’t wear it with a… oh,” I realized, feeling stupid. “If it’s only for show and he plans on taking it off before anything, maybe, because it looks like being crushed up against those would be painful.”

Mary Elizabeth started laughing. “She’s right,” she said. “Bryan would be scarred for days.”

“La, la, la, la, don’t want to hear about your sex life!” I sang, covering my ears.

“Prude,” Mary Elizabeth teased as we walked toward the lingerie and sleepwear. Or seducing-wear, as it probably should be called.

Nobody actually got any sleep in those things.

“So, Victoria’s Secret—place to buy expensive lingerie to seduce your boyfriends?” I asked as Sam deliberated between two different teddies.

Hannah nodded, reaching to pull down a pink lacy teddy. “Ooh, that one,” Mary Elizabeth said, reaching to pull down one of her own. “Good pick.”

“Have I met your boyfriend?” I asked Mary Elizabeth, having no interest in actually buying anything here myself.

She laughed. “Honey, I’m gay,” she replied. “And currently single, so no, you haven’t met any boyfriends. Or girlfriends for that matter.”

“Sorry,” I apologized.

“Why? That I’m gay?”

“No, I just assumed…” I trailed off.

“Don’t worry about it,” she said, sincere. “It’s not like I’m wearing a T-shirt that says I’m lesbian.”

“That might make things easier for you,” Sam teased. “I mean, it’s been months since you got laid.”

“Oh my God,” I practically yelled. “Samantha Mendez, what the hell!”

“Calm down, Grandma,” she said. “It’s just sex.”

“We’re in public,” I hissed.

“It’s Victoria’s Secret,” she said. “It’s not like they’ve never heard about sex here.” Glancing down at my empty hands, she looked at me. “What are you trying on?” she asked.

“Nothing,” I said.

“Nothing? Wrong answer,” she said. “Size?”

“Oh, hell no,” I said as she began to look over the negligees.

“Pfft, I can figure it out without you telling me,” she replied, leaning over to pull a few off the racks. “And you are so buying something from here, you’ll find someone to wear it for.”

An image of shirtless Gabe flashed through my mind, making me jump a little.

“You know I have nobody to wear it for,” I protested as she grabbed a few off the hooks.

“And with that attitude, you won’t find someone,” she replied. Grabbing my hand, we headed toward the dressing rooms.

“Here,” she said, shoving a handful of lingerie at me. “Try it on. Feel sexy.”

“I don’t think I remember how to feel sexy,” I muttered, looking at the handful of lace she had just given me.

“Oh, please. It’s not like you’re a nun or something. You don’t forget how to feel sexy, you choose to not let yourself feel sexy, which is a damn shame,” she said. “Which is why you’re going to try on some fabulous lingerie and stop repressing your sexiness.”

“Oh, Lord,” I moaned.

“Someone’s gonna be saying that about you, sweetie,” she said. “When you’re wearing that. Now, come on. Try something on.”

Following Hannah, I picked a dressing room and walked in. Hanging up the negligees Sam had given me, I looked at them, trying to see if there was a chance that I would actually wear any of them.

The black and red one? I shuddered. No. Not my taste. Neither was the lavender, or the pink one. Picking up the dark purple one, I pursed my lips in thought.

It goes with your skin tone, I told myself. Just try it on, for God’s sake.

And apparently the voices in my head had been spending too much time with Sam. Peeling off my clothing, I gingerly put on the negligee, not facing the mirror, not willing to know what I looked like.

It felt like it fit. It kind of looked good from what I saw of it.

Taking a deep breath, I turned around.

I looked… sexy.

“Lemme see,” Sam called from the other side of the changing room door.

“I’m not parading around in underwear,” I protested, still staring at my reflection in astonishment.

“Oh, please. I’m currently standing here in my underwear, which I want your opinion on,” she said. “Hannah’s deliberating between two bras, and Mary Elizabeth always appreciates a pair of boobs.”

“Sam, you can’t say that!” I cried, whirling away from the mirror and turning to open the door. “That’s obnoxious!”

“It’s true,” Mary Elizabeth drawled. “I do appreciate a pair of boobs.”

I shook my head. I was never going to understand Sam’s head.

“Dayum,” Sam whistled as I stood there at the changing room door, hands on my hips, glowering at her. “Girl, you look hot!”

I blushed.

“You do,” Hannah said, looking up from her bra collection. “Girl, we need to find you a guy who can appreciate that.”

“I would be hard pressed to find a guy who wouldn’t appreciate that,” Mary Elizabeth said, winking at me while I blushed harder.

I reached to close the dressing room door.

“Opinions first,” Sam said, reaching out and holding the door open. “Yes or no?”

I looked at the negligee she currently was wearing. Blue and aquamarine, with lacy inserts. “Chris’s eyeballs will fall out of his head,” I said.

She pumped her fist. “Booya!”

“Purple or green?” Hannah said, still deliberating over her bras. “Mary Elizabeth says green, Sam says purple. Break the tie, Maddie.”

“Green,” I said. “Sorry, Sam.”

“You’re not always right,” she teased.

“Okay, can I put my clothing back on now?” I asked, reaching for the door.

“Yes, Miss Prude,” she said, heading back toward her dressing room.

The door closed behind me and I got redressed, hanging the negligee back up on its little hanger. I didn’t need anyone else to see me wearing it, but truth be told, it did make me feel sexy. Damn Sam and her ability to make me try things I didn’t want to, and being right.

A voice from the dressing room next to mine interrupted my thoughts. “Nah, I’m back home now for a bit,” drawled a sweet Southern voice. “Only for the next week or so. Robert’s away on a business trip now, and I’m going down there when he comes back. George? Bastard wanted me to meet his kid. Like I was ever going to do
that
. Fuck him behind his bitch trophy wife’s back? Sure. Move in with him while he got divorced? Have you seen the amount of money he makes? And then all of a sudden, he’s all, hey! Meet my kid! Spend time with her. Ugh, no. I totally wasn’t going to tell him about Robert, but he wanted me to meet his kid. So I told him, and packed out…. Of course he was pissed! I cheated on the bastard with his own damn son!”

Wow. Dressing rooms were a lot more entertaining than I remembered.

Gathering my things, I walked out of the dressing room to see Sam standing there, her face a mask of fury. “What’s wrong?” I asked her.

She shook her head and walked out of the dressing rooms to where Hannah and Mary Elizabeth were waiting. “That bitch,” she hissed. “I’m going to go back in there…”

“No, you aren’t,” Hannah said, grabbing her arm and steering her toward the registers. “We’re going to buy us some lingerie and get the hell out of this store before we bump into her.”

“Bump into who?” I asked, confused. The chick from the dressing room?

“Diane,” spit Sam. Taking a deep breath, she faced the registers. “Okay. Buy and leave. But I’m going to need to drown myself in a vat of ice cream after that.”

“Entirely understandable,” Mary Elizabeth said, looking furious herself. I glanced at Hannah’s face. Livid.

Paying quickly, we left Victoria’s Secret and headed across the mall so Sam could drown herself in ice cream. “Who’s Diane?” I asked as we sat down around a table, ice creams in hand.

Sam’s eyes narrowed. “Gabe’s ex,” she spit. “Nasty bitch.”

Gabe’s ex… “Noie’s mom?” I asked.

“No,” she snapped. “Never, ever, ever call her that. She was a fucking egg donor, that’s it. She doesn’t deserve to be called Noie’s mom. Ever.”

Whoa.

“Egg donor?” I echoed.

“You gonna tell her or am I?” Mary Elizabeth asked as Sam took a vicious bite of her ice cream.

“You tell her,” she said.

“Well, I don’t know all the details,” Mary Elizabeth said. “Gabe won’t tell us everything. But what we do know is that Gabe and Diane had been dating for a bit when Diane got pregnant. Gabe’s pretty traditional, so he proposed. She stayed with him until Noie was born, and five weeks later, he caught her in bed with some other guy. She left two days after that, and told him she never wanted to see their kid again.”

Reaching over, I squeezed Sam’s hand. “If she ever comes anywhere near Noie, I’m helping you take her down,” I said.

“Something else happened,” Sam said. “She did something to Gabe, and he won’t say what. But he’s different now, Maddie. Working himself to the bone at his stupid job at the firm. He’s gotten a bit better, but he’s not the same anymore. That’s why my parents moved here. He had collapsed from over-exhaustion, and the only reason we found out was because we were listed as emergency contacts.” She took a shuddering breath. “She ruined my brother, Maddie. And if she tries to come near him, I will rip her, limb from fucking limb.”

Poor Gabe. “I’ll hold her down for you,” I said. “She doesn’t deserve either of them. Noie or Gabe.”

She nodded, calming down a bit. “I’m going to have to tell him,” she said, taking another bite of ice cream. “He needs to know that she’s here.”

“Do you want me to watch Noie?” I asked. “Take him out somewhere to tell him.”

“Thanks,” she said. “After we get back, I guess.”

“Don’t you dare let that bitch ruin our day,” Hannah said. “God knows she’s ruined enough of them before.”

“Do you guys know her?” I asked Hannah and Mary Elizabeth.

Hannah nodded. “She was in the same high school as us,” she said. “She’s only gotten worse with age.”

“And, that concludes the Diane is a bitch conversation for the day,” Mary Elizabeth said, standing up. “Sam, don’t we have a surprise for a certain Yankee friend?”

Sam brightened. “We do!” she exclaimed. “Retail therapy first, surprise second.”

“Is anyone going to tell me what this surprise is?” I asked.

“Nope,” the three of them chorused.

I rolled my eyes and laughed.

Chapter · Sixteen

“Another store?” I said. “Sam, I don’t have enough hands left to carry more clothing.”

“Oh, please,” she scoffed. “You’ve got plenty of arm space.”

Looking down at the multiple shopping bags I was holding in both hands, I looked at her dubiously. “I sincerely doubt that,” I said.

“Never doubt Samantha Jo Mendez when it comes to matters of retail,” she intoned.

“Oh, look, a music store!” I said, gesturing at the storefront next to the shoe store we were about to walk into.

“Shoes first, music second,” Sam said as she steered me into the shoe store.

Fifteen minutes and two pairs of shoes later, we exited the shoe store and headed into the music store. It was gorgeous. The walls were lined with all sorts of instruments—from guitars to flutes, cellos and saxophones… there was a baby grand piano in one corner, and a full drum set in another.

“Can I help y’all with anything?” the salesman asked, as if four girls wearing ridiculous hats walked into his store every day.

I glanced longingly at the baby grand. “Are we allowed to try the instruments?” I asked.

“Absolutely,” he said. “Hi, Hannah.”

“Hey, Farley,” she said, flashing the salesman a smile. “I’m back.”

“I noticed,” he said.

“You come here often?” I asked Hannah as we stashed our bags in a corner.

“Hannah is the queen of drums,” Mary Elizabeth said, reaching over and picking up an electric guitar. “We jam here sometimes because Farley’s a happening dude and this drum set kicks ass.”

“You play, too?” I asked Sam.

She shook her head. “Nah, I just watch,” she said as Mary Elizabeth strummed the guitar. “Being friends with the two of them is free rock concerts all the time.”

“One, two, three, four!” Mary Elizabeth yelled, and began to play. The acoustics in the store were incredible, and the amplifier was turned up.

“I don’t give a damn about my reputation,” I sang along as Hannah took the drums. They were unbelievable.

“Best publicity this store gets,” yelled Farley over the music. “I always manage to sell extra when they come in.”

The music had brought a crowd of people from the mall. Sam smiled. “Free rock concert. Surprise!” she yelled as Mary Elizabeth and Hannah switched songs.

Their musical talent was uncanny. This definitely was a good surprise. “Do they have a set?” I asked Sam as they switched to Aerosmith.

She shook her head. “Changes every time.”

I leaned back against the baby grand and watched the two of them rock out, remembering the times I used to watch Ravi and his friend Jacob do the same thing. The memory had mellowed out—it wasn’t so much painful to remember Ravi’s fingers flying over the guitar, as much as it was bittersweet.

“Thank you!” Mary Elizabeth yelled as Hannah finished the song with a bang. The crowd cheered as the two of them took bows.

“You guys are awesome!” I said, clapping as they walked over to us. “I didn’t know you two played.”

“We all hide talents, apparently,” Hannah said, her eyes twinkling. “Miss I-Can’t-Sing.”

I laughed, and looked again toward the baby grand.

“Do you also not play?” Mary Elizabeth said, seeing me look at the piano.

I shrugged. “I play a bit,” I said.

“Okay, Mozart,” Sam said.

“I’m not Mozart,” I protested.

“Like we’re gonna believe you after that little trick you played at Billy Bob’s,” Hannah scoffed.

Sitting down, I placed my hands on the piano.

“I’m pretty rusty,” I said. “It’s been a while.”

It had. It hadn’t been three years, but almost. Pressing down on the keys, I closed my eyes and began to play. “A Thousand Years.” It was one of my favorite love songs. Beautiful melody, beautiful words.

I sang softly as I let my fingers fly across the piano.

A montage of moments filtered through my memory as I sang. Of the first time I saw Ravi in ninth grade, during lunch. The time he asked me out, and we went to Central Park—just he and I. The first kiss, impulsive and sweet by the subway entrance after school. That first night together, achingly sweet and a little awkward. The day in the hospital, when we went for the sonogram and cried when we saw Devi, sleeping in a sac of amniotic fluid. Breathing out.

It was true.

I would always love Ravi.

I didn’t know how not to.

But maybe?

Maybe?

I would be able to learn to love someone else, too.

He wants you to be happy, Salena’s voice echoed as I neared the end of the song. I changed keys, and began to play another song. “For Good.”

I had cried the first time I had heard it, on Broadway. I cried a little bit now, singing it in the middle of a mall in North Carolina. I sang it, and breathed out.

I let the last notes drift off, and opened my eyes. Getting up from the piano, I noticed the crowd from Mary Elizabeth and Hannah’s little performance were still there, and they were clapping. Sam reached over and hugged me. “Mozart,” she whispered, laughing a little.

I smiled. “Nah, just Maddie.”

Farley walked over. “Sam, where the hell do you find all these people?” he asked, beaming. “Any other people you want to bring over and have them play?”

“None that I know of,” she replied.

“You still haven’t convinced your brother?” he asked hopefully.

“Gabe plays?” I asked, surprised.

“The violin,” Sam replied.

I don’t think I could have been more surprised. “Gabe plays violin?” I asked, dumbfounded. Why I was so surprised, I don’t know. I guess he didn’t really look like your typical violin player—Gabe had the body of a construction worker, not of a violinist.

“He hasn’t in years,” she said, her eyes sad. “I don’t think I’ve seen him play since before Noie was born.”

“Was he any good?” I asked as we made our way out of the store.

Sam’s eyes brightened. “He’s magical, Maddie. I wish you could hear him play.”

Me, too.

“Please don’t tell me we’re going into another store,” I said, struggling to balance shopping bags in both hands. “I have no more money and no more hands.”

“No more stores,” Hannah said, looking apologetic. “Sam, I need to get back now.”

“Everything okay?” Sam asked as we headed for the exit.

Hannah nodded. “Yeah, everything’s fine, but I just got a text from one of the girls in my study group, and didn’t realize that we had scheduled for tonight.”

“No problem,” Sam waved it off as we neared the car. “There wouldn’t be any room in the car if we stayed for much longer.”

“Ain’t that the truth,” drawled Mary Elizabeth as we struggled to fit our bags in the car. “How exactly are we going to figure out whose bags are whose?”

Reaching into the back of her truck, Sam pulled out a spool of ribbon. “Tie your bags together,” she said, cutting pieces for each of us.

“Good God, do you think of everything?” I asked as I threaded the ribbon through all of my bags.

“Pretty much,” she replied. “Someone has to.”

Sam pulled up in front of the café. “Thanks so much for kidnapping me today,” I said, getting out of the car.

“My pleasure,” she said, leaning out of the car as I got my bags from the trunk. “Listen, do you mind if I bring Noie over to your place while I talk to Gabe? I don’t know how he’s going to react to me telling him about Diane the bitch, and I don’t want to get my parents involved just yet.”

“No problem,” I said, wincing at the thought of the very unpleasant conversation she was going to have.

Sam sighed. “Thanks,” she said. “I’ll call you—I’ll probably be back in around an hour or so.”

I looked at my watch. Seven o’clock. “Bring her pajamas,” I said. “She’ll probably end up falling asleep here.”

“Will do,” Sam said. “I’ll see you later.”

I waved as she drove off, and then dragged my bags up the stairs. I had a little apartment to toddler-proof.

The phone rang as I looked around the apartment one last time. Noie was three—but you could never be too careful. “I’ll be over in a few minutes,” Sam said, the sound of her car starting in the background.

“The door’s open,” I replied.

“Thanks a million.”

I smiled. “No worries.”

I took a deep breath. I hadn’t seen Noie since I told Gabe what had happened. You can do this, I told myself. Just keep breathing.

Breathe with your heart.

“Maddie!” called Noie’s little voice. “Auntie Sam says I can come over and play!”

“You can!” I said, opening the door at the top of the stairs.

“I brought my dolly!” she said, lifting it and showing it to me. “So we can play!”

Sam followed, carrying an oversized diaper bag. “She brought the dolly,” she drawled, smiling. “And I brought her pajamas.”

“We’re having a sleepover?” Noie asked, bouncing excitedly.

I nodded. “Is Daddy coming, also?” she asked.

“Not this time,” I replied, blushing a little bit at the thought of the last “sleepover.”

“This time?” Sam echoed, wiggling her eyebrows.

“Calm down,” I said, trying to stop blushing.

She laughed. “Always fun to watch you squirm.” Reaching down, she hugged Noie. “Love you, baby girl,” she said, dropping a kiss on Noie’s head. “Be good for Auntie Maddie.”

My heart swelled at her words. “We’ll be fine,” I said around the familiar lump in my throat. “Don’t worry.”

“I’m more worried about my end of this evening,” she said.

Reaching over, I squeezed her hand. “You’ll be okay,” I said, trying to sound reassuring.

Sam sighed. “I might, but will Gabe?”

I shrugged. “I hope so.”

“Me too,” she replied. “I’ll call you later, okay?”

I nodded and watched her walk back down the stairs toward her car.

“Maddie, I brought my dolly!” Noie repeated, holding up the little doll I had got her.

“I know!” I said, reaching down to hug her. “Do you want me to show you and dolly something special?”

Her eyes widened as I lead her toward the wall with the porch wall. “There’s a secret in the wall,” I said as I slid the porch door open. Her eyes widened as she saw the porch on the other side. “See? It’s a surprise!”

“Can we go?” she asked, staring onto the porch.

I laughed and led her outside. It was a beautiful night—a great day for balcony sitting. “Look, you can see the ocean from here,” I said, pointing toward the visible shoreline.

“And so many houses!” Noie said, looking at the houses in the distance.

“Can you see Grandma’s house?” I asked her, sitting down on a chair and letting her climb up onto my lap. She fit there so well.

“It’s there!” she giggled, pointing toward it. “There’s Grandma and Abuelo’s house!”

“That’s right,” I agreed as she looked back down to her doll and began to rock her back and forth.

“Shhh,” Noie whispered. “Baby Devi is going to sleep now.”

“Okay,” I whispered back, smiling at her little movements, so like a mother’s. I wondered who she had seen with a baby that size that she knew how to hold her.

We sat there on the porch as Noie rocked her dolly to sleep, the wind blowing softly. “She’s all sleeping now,” Noie whispered to me after a while. “Can I put her in your bed?”

I smiled. “You didn’t bring her cradle?”

She shook her head. “Auntie Sam said no.”

“Then your dolly should definitely go into my bed,” I said, leading her into the bedroom. Watching her place the doll gently under the covers and kissing it goodnight, she walked back toward me.

“Can we have supper now?” she said in a normal voice as she reached to close the door behind her. “Dolly ated before, and now I’m hungry.”

I laughed at her mommy voice. “I have a special supper for you in the kitchen,” I said.

Her eyes widened. “You do?” she asked.

“Of course,” I said, walking toward the kitchen. “When Auntie Sam told me you were coming over, I made a special supper for me and you.”

“Maccaronis!” she squealed when I lifted the cover off of the pot.

I breathed a small sigh of relief. Yeah, most kids liked mac and cheese, but you never knew.

Supper was a giggly little affair, with Noie sitting on a phone book in order to reach the table, the two of us eating mac and cheese and drinking iced tea. “All done,” Noie announced, wiggling off her phone book throne. “Thank you for supper, it was yummy.”

Leaning over, I kissed her head, impressed at her manners. “You’re welcome, darling,” I said, reminding myself to tell Gabe.

Gabe.

I winced. I hoped the conversation with Sam was going well. I put away leftovers from dinner, and washed the dishes before walking back toward the little living room where Noie was sitting on the couch, holding a book.

My face grew pale as I saw what book it was.

“Where did you find that, Noie?” I asked as I slid next to her on the couch.

“In your room,” she said, “I found it when I went to go check on dolly.”

It had been buried on the bottom of my suitcase. Next to where her dolly had originally been, too.

“That’s you!” Noie said, pointing to a picture.

Was I strong enough to do this? I didn’t know.

But it seemed I was going to be finding out now. “That is me,” I agreed, looking at the snapshot. I had been seventeen in that picture. It was one night before a gig.