Heart of a Champion (18 page)

‘It was a very difficult time, and it put a strain on our relationship. But we were soul mates. Otherwise we would never have lasted: there was so much stress and anxiety that just wasn't talked about, and I felt that I just couldn't do much to help. I felt I was not helping at all.'

Sian knew she had to seek professional counselling. She felt strong, but she also felt depressed. From her perspective, Greg had the illness but he wasn't taking control of it. That frustrated her. She tried to encourage Greg to take control but he wasn't ready, and he came up with a range of excuses for his inaction. Sian found that if she pressed Greg for action, it would send him over the edge and he would retreat to his bed. The fact that Greg was able to deal with others, and even do some coaching, added to her frustration, despite knowing it helped Greg. ‘I had a problem with that because I was dealing with Greg when he was depressed. He didn't feel good about himself and we took things out on each other. We were throwing things, bickering at each other and we never do that…we just don't. It was like, “Don't leave the toothpaste here,” and he would bicker at me and he was around the house all the time…Everything I did. I was like, “Oh, whatever.”'

Chapter 14
Fightback

S
IAN'S FIRST ATTEMPTS AT COUNSELLING DID LITTLE
to help clarify her situation. Greg began seeing a psychiatrist, but he prescribed antidepressant drugs and Greg felt strongly that they were the wrong solution to his problems. Sian agreed. She realised that Greg was trying to deal with his fears just as he had dealt with his physical challenges during his career: by ignoring them and ploughing ahead as if they didn't exist. He had always had the ability to push through his physical and mental barriers—of pain or exhaustion—but that was sport, and real life throws up far more difficult obstacles.

‘The problem was, Greg didn't conceptualise many of the things he was experiencing at the time. He's a person who deals with things inwardly. He has a difficult time analysing and regurgitating feelings and emotions. I've always been able to talk out problems, and I've found that when they're brought out into the open I can see their extent and then figure out a way to deal with them. Greg kept his inner fears hidden a lot of the time and that made it hard for us to help him and, more importantly, for him to help himself.

‘I saw him struggle more than any other time. I suggested a lot of things and we had many heart to heart talks to try to get him to admit his pain. I knew he was going through tough times because he wasn't the same man I married. On the outside he seemed like the old Greg, fun-loving and always happy. But to me he showed all his unhappiness, frustrations and fears. He had so many fears bottled up inside of him that for the first time it was hard for him to love or be loved. I became increasingly frustrated because Greg was closed up and scared to face what he needed to face and conquer.'

First Sian, and later Greg, turned to one of Greg's friends, life transformation expert Peter Crone, for advice. Greg and Peter had met through a mutual friend a decade earlier when they were both sponsored by sporting gear company Oakley—Greg as a champion triathlete and the mercurial Peter Crone as, in his own words, ‘an international man of mystery'. Peter was an English-born, jet-setting fitness guru, who had created an intriguing reputation as one who transformed some of the most famous bodies in Hollywood—his clients included Tom Cruise, Nicole Kidman, Liz Hurley, Ben Affleck and Kevin Spacey. Peter's work had expanded over recent years to include counselling clients in practical ways to overcome their personal problems. One Hollywood reporter described an encounter with Peter Crone as ‘like meeting Buddha, Einstein and Austin Powers all at once'.

Greg suggested that Sian talk to Peter, and after a preliminary chat when Peter visited them in San Diego, she undertook a five-week course of counselling sessions. ‘I met Peter once in his LA office, and from then on everything was on the phone. He works in five- or six-week periods and that's it. He tells you he's not a counsellor people see over three years because he deals with the problem.'

Sian felt that her sessions gave her a better perspective on Greg's problems. For his part, Peter's knowledge of Greg as a friend as well as his understanding of the pressures affecting elite athletes allowed him to explore the root causes of their problems. For a start, having known Greg for so long, Peter could see the way his illness had changed him. ‘Obviously the impact of Greg's health problem was huge. Here is a guy who not only competed in Ironman races but also won, suddenly immobilised and sentenced to the life of a sedentary man. Then, as if that weren't enough, there is the actual physical pain of v-tach episodes, and worse still, the face-to-face encounter with mortality. That would do anyone's head in, let alone someone who has been accustomed to being a supreme athlete.'

Peter passionately believes that life has a miraculous way of revealing imbalances. He saw Greg's drive as a double-edged sword, powerful but capable of causing damage—physical, mental and emotional. To Peter, Greg's physical ‘problems' were the result of his underlying fears. The physical stresses placed on his body by his training and racing were undeniable but he felt that even they were the result of his underlying need to achieve and perform.

‘Greg is one of the biggest bundles of love you will ever meet, but he had no self-acceptance, no self-love. He was constantly fearful of his performance, from a kid with his school grades to triathlon and his results. I remember he was writing an article one day for his website about some race. At one point he was explaining how he was out in front, and then put in parentheses that tell-tale, not-good-enough sign— “not that I deserved to be!”'

‘To know Greg Welch you have to go beyond what you can see, you have to go beyond his apparent “problem”. There you will discover that despite a less than perfect heart, you will in fact never meet anyone so full of heart. He is a living inspiration for what it means to transcend human limitation, and a living testament to the power of the human spirit that is each of us, looking to break free. If there is only one thing you learn from Greg Welch, it is to recognise in him that who you really are is way bigger than the limitations of your mind and body.'

Peter saw Greg's striving as an attempt to challenge his fears. It ultimately reached the point where his body gave out. The extreme levels of training and competition combined with Greg's internal conflict and centred on his fears. His search for self-validation created a situation where he was literally eating away at himself, both from the inside and outside. ‘His heart condition was simply a reflection of his mental and physical “implosion”. Now, to Western medicine, this may seem “woowoo”…but fear not, they'll catch up one day!

‘There's only so much pushing we can do before life has its reassuring way of telling us, “Hey, you need to slow down!” It can show up in many ways—a car accident; the breakdown of a relationship; the loss of money or a business; or as is so often the case, as it was for Greg, a disease or some kind of failing of the body. And so reality kicked in with its customary fortitude and Greg had to re-evaluate his life and who he was.'

For Sian, the central theme of Peter's advice made sense. ‘He always came back to one point. He said, “Sian, you are you and you cannot change Greg's behaviour.” I'd never been able to separate Greg and me from the first day Greg and I met. I've always been that kind of person. That's how I dealt with Greg's sickness. I would give up anything to make him feel better.'

Sian and Greg began to have long discussions. Sian's love for Greg allowed her to be up-front with him. ‘I told him I loved him but that I couldn't keep living like this. I said, “I just see you regressing. I can never imagine my life without you, but I can't imagine 20 years like this. This isn't you. I can't do anything for you and I'm over trying to do it.”

‘I was just so straightforward and told him things that really hurt me to say.

‘He told me how much he loved me and just said, “You are everything you say. You know me so well and nobody else could ever say that to me. I can't hide anything from you. I just pulled over the covers.” I don't think anyone could see those deepest, darkest things about Greg, the person he is. The things I said to him are just the darkest things that were inside of him. It might not have been so bad for someone else. But I always see our life as amazing.'

Greg found that talking through his problems with Peter Crone helped to crystallise his thoughts and strip away many of his irrational concerns and fears. Peter pointed out the paralysing impact of Greg's fears: how he was unable to play with Annie and Emma for fear of going into v-tach; how he missed out on their company because he was often left at home alone while they went to the beach with Sian; and how Greg had isolated himself because of his fear.

‘His entire identity as a professional sportsman had been reduced to a frail man who was scared to even go for a walk by himself, let alone with a friend or someone who would make him laugh or feel any emotion that could potentially increase his heart rate and inspire an attack. All in all, Greg was in a very dark hole, and literally confined to his own house, mentally and physically shackled by fear, face to face with a family and a life that were rapidly slipping away from him. It truly was a dark and lonely time.'

Greg told Peter how just the thought of going for a haircut would reduce him to panic. Greg was afraid that while he was getting his hair cut, he would go into v-tach and end up in an ambulance. Even worse was the idea that this would happen in front of everyone. Peter revealed what he saw as the source of Greg's fears.

‘I showed him that it was in fact more his fear of embarrassment than the fear of the actual v-tach that was causing his anxiety. Basically it was again the result of his underlying fears. I pointed out how his concern was about a future that
hadn't
even happened yet!'

As Greg himself says, ‘I had wanted to one day run across a finish line with my children, but I can't. I had wanted to exercise with my children. I can't. I had wanted to do many things with everyone, like drink a beer. I can't. But I have my family and friends. And I get to be around all the races and that's what floats my boat. I love it, the energy and passion that we all have in our goals. You know, it doesn't stop me from doing what I can do, and do it well, but to struggle with goals and motivation is fear. In other words, I found myself in something of a vicious circle: I'd set myself goals but then I'd be frightened that I'd set targets that were unreachable. I eventually realised that was because I didn't believe in myself fully.'

Greg began to see that he was creating his fear, that it was adding to his stress and increasing the likelihood of his going into v-tach. Peter saw it as a case of self-fulfilling prophesy. To break the cycle, Peter suggested that Greg take up meditation and work on creating calming breathing patterns to help gain control of his anxieties.

Greg took the view that, where he could, he would avoid taking medication. He saw medication as the easy way out. He preferred trying to improve his condition naturally. He embraced the meditation and breathing, and began to see results. Meditation also gave him the opportunity to take the first steps towards taking back control of his life. ‘I was into making this better the right way. I wasn't able to live like that—with prescribed drugs. It would have been a very easy way out, but it would have been tough down the road.'

Greg's confidence grew throughout the months of July and August, and in September 2003, he took his first work trip in four months. He travelled to Wisconsin to commentate on the Ironman there and came through it well. In October he went to Kona for the Hawaiian Ironman and reported for ironmanlive, and once again, he came through without any dramas. These were huge steps forward. Previously, he would fret for days in the lead-up to even a small journey, worried about possible v-tach episodes and the subsequent shocks. Clearly, the worrying had predisposed him to having the attacks.

Over this period, Greg came to realise how, by constantly pleasing others, he had often placed himself in situations that exacerbated his illness. Now he understood he had to modify his lifestyle in order to adapt to the realities of his illness, but that didn't mean he couldn't be himself within those restrictions, as Peter Crone observed: ‘Greg started to tap into his very being and he realised that his love of life, his humour and his happy-go-lucky spirit had in fact gone nowhere. The Greg Welch we all know and love started to emerge from behind his dark cloud, and once again live life to the full with joy and fun.'

As Greg fought back, Sian found that a vital spiritual element was missing from her life. She'd been brought up in the church and she felt she needed to find one that could give her the spiritual support she craved. ‘I found a church and we both went. Greg kind of follows me with my faith. He's Catholic but he just wants something that'll make him feel good. And he's very godly without even knowing, that's why people love him so much. He doesn't worry about things—money, success, failure…nothing worries him. The only thing that was worrying him before was fear. He was living with fear. Fear was eating him away. And that's what God says—it's always stuff that doesn't matter. It never mattered to Greg. That's why when he wins races, it never changed him.'

Gradually, Greg began to regain his confidence. ‘I started to see glimpses of my old Greggy,' says Sian. He began to trust his instincts again and started to take responsibility for his own recovery. This was the breakthrough Sian had been seeking. By slow degrees, Greg confronted his fears and discussed them with her. This helped him consider them rationally, and he began to see how they were imprisoning him. Discussing them allowed him to see them in perspective and he started to trust his feelings and his judgment again. The breathing exercises allowed him to gain confidence in his ability to influence his moods and thereby avoid stresses that were at the core of most of his health problems. Over time, he recognised the things he could change, and the things that were out of his control. He changed the things he could and was able to stop himself worrying about those things he couldn't.

By the beginning of 2004, Greg felt he had really started to turn over a new leaf. He also began to find time for himself, and he was able to risk offending friends and family by setting his own boundaries. ‘I began to play golf again and started to find myself in a better frame of mind. We started having friends over again and I began to grow in confidence. I even started going to the beach with friends on Thursday nights, taking the girls to restaurants and, the big breakthrough, taking the girls to the park on my own.'

With his acceptance of his changed circumstances, Greg rediscovered the joy and colour in his life. He cherished his time with his daughters and Sian, and he basked in the warmth of his many friends, looking to the future with confidence. Things took a sharp turn for the better in late 2004. ‘The position of Global Sports Marketing Manager for Multisports came up. My old boss from Oakley, who had sponsored me since 1991, called me up and asked if I was interested. I've a great longstanding friendship with many people who work there, so it was a nobrainer for me, I get to work with all the athletes I raced against. My responsibilities were dealing with what I already knew but the challenge came in the marketing angle. I really had no experience but I really got right in the groove. This job couldn't have come at a better time. I was already busy with World Triathlon Corporation with ironmanlive but it was a consultancy position. There was no conflict.'