Heart Of A Cowboy (7 page)

She bolted to her feet and marched to the back door. She was joining them whether they liked it or not. He was her son, too. She'd been his parent for the past ten years
and wasn't going to turn the reins over to Zachary just because she'd made a mistake and hadn't told him about Nicholas.

Because now she realized she'd been totally wrong not to. Somehow she had to make sure that Zachary understood she regretted the decision she made all those years ago. That they should work together.

She flung open the door and stepped out onto the deck. Both Zachary and Nicholas glanced toward her then her son returned to showing Zachary how to adjust the telescope—one she'd spent a bonus on to get her son two Christmases ago. At the time the telescope had been taller than Nicholas. He spent hours outside watching the sky at night. He was determined to discover something new, and if she knew her son, he probably would one day.

“What are you all looking at?”

Zachary peered at her. “The rings of Saturn. I can't believe I'm actually seeing them.”

She recalled the first time she'd seen them or the craters on the moon or Mars. “Yeah. They're neat.” She watched father and son, and her heart expanded against her rib cage. She still needed to talk with Nicholas without Zachary around, but looking at them together firmed the rightness of her decision. “It's getting close to your bedtime.”

“Ah, Mom.”

“You've got to get up early for school. I'm sure you and Zachary will spend a lot of time together in the future. You need to take your bath—”

In the dim light from the kitchen, Nicholas pivoted, his arms straight at his sides, his hands balled. “I want to spend time with him
now.
”

Stunned by the angrily spoken word, Jordan took a step back. “Nicholas.”

“Partner, I need to leave, but why don't you and your
mother come out to the ranch tomorrow after school. I want to introduce you to my sister and her family. You've already met Ashley, but I have two nephews, too.” Zachary stood behind her son—their son—his face in the shadows.

“But—but…” spluttered out of Nicholas's mouth before he closed it and stalked toward the door. Its slamming vibrated through the clear night air.

Jordan flinched, her eyes shutting as she scrubbed her hands down her face.

“Do you blame him?”

Zachary's quiet question chipped away at what composure she had left. “I blame you for not letting me prepare him for the news.”

“Oh, I see. I was supposed to wait some more time to get to know
my
son while you come up with a way to explain why you never told me or him about who I am. Let's face it. There's no easy way to tell him you kept the truth from him and me.”

Anger and guilt tangled together to form a knot in her throat. And now she had to deal with the consequences of that decision. How could she have thought that she could come home and continue merrily along with her life as she had for twenty-nine years? Because she hadn't known Zachary was in Tallgrass.

“I'm going, but I want my family to get to know Nicholas. He wants to come to the ranch tomorrow and meet them.”

“If
your
family had given you my messages all those years ago, we wouldn't be standing here like this.” She'd been wrong—but not the only one.

He drilled a look through her. “Touché. I'll give you that, but it still doesn't excuse what you did.” Skirting her, he descended the steps to the deck and made his way around to the front of the house.

Jordan sank against the lounge chair near her, clasping its back to keep upright. Zachary's intenseness had sucked the energy from her, and she would need all she had to speak with Nicholas before he went to bed.

She would love to postpone this conversation. Forever. But she couldn't.

Lord, I know I was wrong. Please help me to fix this with Nicholas. I need You more than ever.

Shoving away from the chair, she headed for the door, then up the stairs toward her son's bedroom. She and Nicholas had always been close. This wouldn't change that. She hoped.

She rapped on his door, then entered, expecting him to be at his computer since he hadn't been in the bathroom. Instead the chair was empty. When she scanned the room, she discovered him already under the covers, his head barely peeking out. He always prolonged going to sleep, hating to miss anything.

“Nicholas.”

Nothing. Not a word. Not a movement, as though he had fallen asleep in that short amount of time. She knew better.

“Nicholas, we need to talk.”

“I don't want to talk to you.”

N
icholas's words hurt, a pang piercing through Jordan's heart. As much as she wanted to leave and never have this conversation with her son, she crossed the room to his bed and sat. “Hon, I know you're angry at me, and I can't blame you.”

His back to her, he hunched his shoulders, pulling the blanket up around his neck even more. “Why didn't you tell me?”

“I really don't have a good defense for that. All I can tell you is what I was feeling when I was young. I was scared, alone and determined that I could raise you by myself. After trying to call Zachary, I decided I couldn't force him to be involved in our lives if he didn't want to. I figured I could be enough for you.”

Nicholas twisted around, his eyes red from crying.

The pain in those eyes amplified her own. With her hand trembling, she placed it on his blanket-clad leg. “Your father had joined the army and was posted overseas. I didn't know where. Then you came more than a month early. It was all I could do to handle that. I was wrong and I'm so sorry about that. I should have told him. I should have tried
harder to track him down somehow. I should have told you, but I honestly didn't think Zachary wanted anything to do with me.”
Which is still true. But he did want to be involved with Nicholas. I can't deny him that.

Her son's forehead scrunched. “I don't know what to think anymore.”

“I can understand that. Can you forgive me?”

He turned away. “I'm tired.”

What a mess she'd made of everything because of pride. Zachary was furious with her, and worse, her son was disappointed in her. She'd seen it in his eyes. That look tore her heart in two with guilt.

Lord, what do I do?

But no ready answer came to mind. She sat for another minute staring at her child's rigid body beneath the blanket. All she wanted to do was gather him into her arms and hold on to him as she had when he was a little boy. Instead, she settled for leaning over and kissing his cheek.

He shrank away and pulled the blanket totally over his head.

With a deep sigh, she shoved to her feet and trudged toward the hallway. Coming back to her hometown was supposed to be a good move for her and Nicholas. But now her life was in more of a mess than ever before.

 

The next afternoon before Jordan went to pick up Nicholas from school and go to Zachary's ranch, she strolled down the street to her sister's house and rang the bell.

“I wondered if you would stop by today,” Rachel said as she stepped to the side to let Jordan inside.

“Who called you? Mom?”

“This morning I got a call from Granny, then an hour later one from Mom.”

Jordan plopped down on her sister's pristine white couch
in her formal living room off the foyer. How she managed to keep her home so clean with three kids was a marvel to Jordan. “Where are the twins?”

“At Mother's Day Out at the church. I have to pick them up in half an hour.” She sat across from Jordan in a wing chair.

“So I'm assuming you know all the gory details?”

“Yep. What Granny left out, Mom was able to fill me in on. Your usual talkative son didn't say a word to you this morning before school.”

Jordan shook her head. “What do I do? You've had more experience than me. I'm desperate.”

“I'm not so sure I'm the one you should come to. I'm having problems with Taylor, and I don't see an end in sight. She's thirteen, and we're butting heads.”

“What if Nicholas wants to go live with Zachary?” There. She'd said her greatest fear.

“You're going to have to share your son now.”

Jordan's fingernails gouged her palms. “If you hadn't sent me to the ranch…” She couldn't finish the sentence. A lump jammed her throat.

“Zachary should be in Nicholas's life.”

Jordan stared at her feet. “I know. I should have listened to you.”

“Yeah, but then I've been telling you that all your life.”

“You never regretted telling Taylor she was adopted?”

“No.”

“Does she ask about her biological parents?”

“No, she knows that her dad and I really wanted her. And Nicholas knows how much you love him and wanted him. He'll come around when the newness wears off. Be patient.”

“Patient? I'm not very good at that.”

Rachel chuckled. “Boy, do I know. That's one of the reasons I sent you to the ranch. It would have only been a matter of time before you and Zachary ran into each other. This way it's over with, and you won't continue to run away from what you should have done eleven years ago.”

“A warning would have been good.”

“And you wouldn't have gone. I'm not stupid.”

Rachel was her big sister but had always been a friend and confidant. The only thing they had ever really argued about was Zachary. “You know Zachary didn't purposefully ignore my calls back then.”

“I figured as much. He's a good man. A tad stubborn but then you can be, too.”

Jordan pushed to her feet. “I can tell I'm gonna get no sympathy from you.”

“When you need it, I'll be here, little sis.”

“I'd better go. If I'm late to pick up Nicholas, I'll really get the cold shoulder.”

Rachel walked her to the door. “Give it time and pray about it. Nicholas will come around. You two have been through a lot, and he knows you'll always be there for him.”

Fifteen minutes later Jordan picked up Nicholas at Key Elementary then headed toward the ranch. Her stomach roiled from the silence in the car. Her damp palms slipped on the steering wheel.

Halfway to their destination, she asked, “How was the last day at school?”

“'Kay.”

“Any trouble?”

A grunt was the only answer to that question.

“After we go to the ranch, I thought we would stop and have dinner at The Green Shack. I know how much you've enjoyed it the couple of times we've gone.”

Not a peep out of the child who often talked nonstop, especially when he was excited.

“Are you worried about today?”

He shook his head. She would have missed his answer if she hadn't glanced at him.

When the ranch entrance came into view, she wiped her hands one by one on her jeans, then gripped the steering wheel tighter. Sweat popped out on her forehead and upper lip. Maybe Nicholas wasn't worried, but she was. The only good thing about the day was that Zachary's mother wouldn't be there. If she'd only given him Jordan's message, she wouldn't be in this pickle. Then she remembered the first time she'd talked with Becca, who had promised to pass the message on to her mother. She'd only been there visiting. Had Becca done as she promised or had she kept it to herself?

Not sure where to go—the blue house, barn or Zachary's place, Jordan drove past his sister's and the barn. She stopped outside Zachary's white home. The second she parked, Nicholas leaped from the car at the same time the front door swung open. Zachary came out onto the porch, smiling at his son as he raced toward the steps. Nicholas threw his arms around his father's waist.

The sight of their embrace slammed into her chest. This was how it could have been if they'd stayed together. Only, she'd be part of that hug, as well. The scene before her faded away as if she were in someone else's world. Slowly she climbed from her Camaro and strode toward the house, nearly stumbling when Becca came outside. Right behind the woman was Ashley and two younger boys. Lastly Becca's husband appeared, a broad grin on his face as he shook her son's hand.

She'd hoped Zachary would ease her son into his family but most of them were here now. The only thing missing
were his parents. Already overwhelmed, she checked behind Becca's husband to make sure no one else was there.

Almost to the bottom stair, Zachary disengaged himself from his family. “You all go on inside. It's a scorcher out here.”

Somehow she ended up at the bottom of the steps. She put her foot on the first stair.

Zachary stood before her. “If you don't want to stay, I can bring Nicholas home later this evening.”

Meeting his gaze that had softened for a few seconds, she planted her feet on the next step. “That's okay. I don't mind staying.” She forced a smile that quivered and fell.

“Suit yourself.” He opened the screen door and headed inside.

Leaving Jordan standing on his porch by herself. She wasn't welcome at this little family party, but she didn't care. She was crashing it anyway. She wouldn't lose her son to the Rutgerses.

When she entered the living room, crammed with Zachary's family, she found Nicholas on the couch between Becca and Zachary. The only place for her to sit was a lounger set a little ways from the others—as though she were purposefully being excluded. She eased into the recliner, its worn comfortableness luring her into relaxation after getting almost no sleep the night before.

She looked around her, caught sight of a magazine about ranching, opened on the table near her elbow. When she drew in a deep breath, she thought she could smell Zachary's earthy scent embedded in the brown leather of the chair. The sense of him surrounding her zapped her. Her heart pounded against her chest. She was tied to Zachary now whether she wanted to be or not. She swiped her hand across the beads of perspiration on her upper lip. All
the good times they'd spent together as teenagers paraded across her mind, taunting her with what she'd missed out on.

Becca rose from the couch and approached Jordan. “Would you help me get some drinks in the kitchen.”

Jordan peered at her son, laughing at something Mike, Zachary's nine-year-old nephew, said. She nodded and rose, trailing behind the woman toward the kitchen. At the entrance into the room she glanced toward Nicholas. Zachary's pinpoint gaze snared hers and held it for a long moment. The sense of trespassing bathed her in a cold film.

“Which would Nicholas like—apple juice or lemonade?”

Becca's question dragged Jordan from the connection with Zachary. “He loves apple juice.”

“So does Ashley but Mike and Cal like lemonade. That's why Zachary keeps both here. My children visit him a lot. This is a second home to them.” Becca withdrew glasses from the cabinet. “What about you? Which would you like?”

“Neither.”

Becca surveyed the contents of her brother's refrigerator. “There's tea in here, too. I have to admit little else, though.”

“I'm not thirsty.” Jordan stood in the middle of the kitchen. When Becca retrieved a small tray from a drawer, Jordan wondered why she was there.

“Can you fill those with ice?” Becca gestured toward the tumblers on the counter.

“Sure.” Jordan didn't know Zachary's sister very well. When they had been dating, Becca had already been married a year and lived in Oklahoma City. That was why Jordan had been surprised that Becca had answered the
phone when she'd called right after she'd found out she was pregnant.

“I thought you could use a breather.”

“What do you mean?”

Becca lifted her shoulders in a shrug. “I figure this isn't easy for you.”

Zachary's sister's words took Jordan by surprise. “You aren't mad at me?”

The woman paused and studied Jordan for a long moment. “No, not really. I should have asked you some questions when you called all those years ago. I could hear how upset you were. I should have made sure my mother gave Zachary the message.”

Becca hadn't kept her call from Zachary. Somehow that comforted Jordan. “Why didn't she?” It might have changed everything.

“When I talked with her last night, she kept telling me she thought she was protecting Zachary from further hurt.” Becca gave her a thin smile. “That's Mom for you. She-bear extraordinaire.”

But Zachary's mother didn't have the right not to give her son the message. “Your brother doesn't care that I tried calling him.”

“He's upset he didn't know about Nicholas until now. He'll get over it.”

“I'm not so sure.”

“Give him time. All of a sudden he's a father. It's a lot to take in. And you know men. They don't like to deal with emotions. They don't take them out and examine them to death like we do.”

Jordan's tension eased. She relaxed against the counter. “He wasn't very good at telling me his feelings when we were teenagers.”

“That hasn't changed in eleven years.”

That was the crux of the problem. Even if Zachary could get past his anger at her, they had changed quite a bit from when they were two teenagers in love. They were really strangers who shared a son. She suddenly realized she wanted to get to know the man who was her child's father. Maybe there was hope for them.

“Thanks for letting me know not everyone in his family is mad at me.”

Becca finished pouring the drinks and put the pitchers back in the near-empty refrigerator. “Nicholas is part of our family now, and you're part of his. I want this to work for everyone. Forgiveness is the only way to go. The Lord has it right. If we don't forgive, all we do is live in the past. I'm a present kind of gal.” After handing Jordan two glasses of apple juice, Becca lifted the tray of lemonades. “Those are for Ashley and Nicholas.”

Back in the living room, Jordan gave her son and the young girl their drinks, then took her chair again. This time calmness—a remnant from earlier in the kitchen—cloaked her. Forgiveness. Would Zachary ever be able to do that? Would she, for that matter? She still held scraps of anger toward him, especially when she thought about the pain of his rejection—being scared and alone, waiting for his calls that never came. But then she remembered he'd been clueless about her calls and what little anger was left melted away. She couldn't blame him for something he didn't know.

“We're gonna grill hamburgers for dinner up at our house. I hope you brought a big appetite, Nicholas.” Becca set her glass on a coaster on the coffee table.