Heart of Steel: A Satan's Savages MC Novel #1 (29 page)

Steel is a cold-blooded killer
.

Even if it was an accident, I don’t know if I can deal with this right now.

“You killed him, Steel! You stabbed him. Jackson will grow up without his father, thinking he’s been abandoned and believing that there was something wrong with him. That he wasn’t good enough for his father to love him enough to stay to be with him. Do you
not
get that? The psychological damage you’ve caused that small innocent child?” I murmur thinking of poor little Jackson.

He exhales and turns away from me again not able to look me in the eyes. “
Fuck!
But wasn’t his dad doing untold psychological damage by beatin’ his mother up in front of him? You didn’t see the footage, Willow. You didn’t see what the prick was doin’ to Niki behind closed doors—”

“And you did?”

He turns back to me and nods. “Yeah, they had security cameras everywhere in their house. We saw all the footage. He was a bad man, Willow. He didn’t deserve to live… not that that’s an excuse for me puttin’ a blade in him, but the world is better off without Tyrell Jones.”

I shake my head as burning tears fall slowly down my cheeks. My heart is pummelling my chest, and even though the thought of Tyrell hurting Nikita kills me, he shouldn’t have died for it. And the fact that it was at the hands of my boyfriend, or whatever Steel is? I can’t handle that.

“What’s your real name?” I ask and he furrow his brows and shakes his head slightly like he’s confused.

“What?”

“I mean, it’s a simple question. We’ve been together for a few weeks now, and you’d think I should know something as simple as your fucking name!”

He exhales and steps up to me placing his hands on my arms trying to calm me. “Only three people in this entire club know my real name.”

I furrow my brows and shake my head scowling. “What! So because I’m not one of your beloved brothers I’m not privy to that
top secret
information?”

He exhales and frowns. “What I’m tryin’ badly to say is that not many people know it. Only the people I truly trust. The people I deeply care about, or who deeply care about my family and me.”

“Okay, I get it, you don’t want to tell me. Whatever! That just makes this even easier,” I say and shrug away from his hold.

He stiffens his body and furrows his brows at me. “Makes what easier?”

“I have to leave.” My bottom lip quivers at my suggestion as my chest tightens so tensely I feel like I can’t pull in any oxygen.

He breathes fast through his nose and his eyes are darting all around the room. “Okay, but when are you coming back?” he asks and I shake my head.

He slumps his shoulders breathing heavier and runs his hands through his hair. “My name is Dylan… Dylan McNamara,” he says looking me right in the eyes. I clench my eyes tight trying to stop the sudden rush of salt water from escaping them.

It doesn’t work.

Tears rush down my cheeks and he moves forward taking me in an embrace and pulling me against his body tight. I don’t fight it. My mind is made up, and this will be the last time Dylan
Steel
McNamara holds me. I nuzzle into his chest and cry silently holding onto him. His chest is rising and falling so fast, the sound of his heavy breathing is all that can be heard in the room beside my occasional sniffling.

I pull back and look at him, his eyes are glistening and I know he’s just as upset by me wanting to go as I am. But this is for the best. I don’t belong in this world. I thought I could try, but murder… that’s too much.

I lean on my toes and gently press my lips to his. He kisses me back, and as I pull back a small smile pulls at his lips, but when he notices my frown his smile falls too. I bring my hands up around the back of my neck and undo the necklace he gave me for Christmas. His eyes droop as I step out of his arms and put some distance between us.

“Flame?”

“I can’t do this anymore.” I grab his hand and open his palm dropping the necklace into it. His entire body slumps as his eyes glisten with unshed tears.

“Flame, please. Don’t do—”

“Goodbye, Dylan,” I say and walk past him toward his door.

“Flame…” The sound of his broken, cracking voice makes me hesitate at the door, but I open it and walk out.

“Willow!” he calls out. I wrap my arms around myself as my heart thumps so ferociously hard that I think it might burst while tears stream down my face. I stride down the hall toward the clubroom. The sound of ‘
Babe I’m Gonna Leave You’
by
Led Zeppelin
rips at my heart as the words chew through my soul eating me alive. How fitting this should be playing as I walk away from Steel for the very last time. Shattering my heart into a million tiny pieces all over the Satan’s Savages’ clubroom floor.

It’s been twenty-eight days since she walked out on me. Six hundred and sixty-three hours, fifteen minutes and forty-three seconds exactly, since I last saw her beautiful face. On New Year’s after she left I drowned myself in booze and passed out before midnight even hit.

Some New Year that was!

I desperately wanted to go after her. But in reality, I knew I’d killed a man, and that wouldn’t sit well with her. She’s better off without me. I knew that all along. This was always going to be the outcome from the first day I met her at the child care centre.
This is how it was going to turn out.
But I can’t stop moping and spending all my time in my room listening to sad music like a lovesick teen. It’s depressing, nothing like the tough Vice President I’m supposed to be.

I’m naked in bed with Cassius cuddled into me with a bottle of bourbon next to me for comfort. The creak of my door warns me to someone coming in, but I ignore it and take another swig of the bourbon relaxing back on my bed. The mattress dips beside me as Cassius moves his head from my legs to look up at whoever it is and he greets them. I don’t bother turning my head to see who’s there—
some motherfucker to give me yet another pep talk I bet.

“Right you! You need to get out of this funk.” Lunar’s voice softly echoes through the room, as her hand comes to gently rest on my shoulder.

I take a deep breath and sigh. “I don’t know how.”

She exhales and pulls me to face her. Her eyes are stern as they stare at me. “You need to move on, or go and get her back. But either way, you stink, and you’re supposed to be a tough biker and the VP of this club. Right now Steel, you’re losing the respect of your brothers by sulking like a child in here.”

I scoff and push her hand off my shoulder. “Fuck off, I don’t need your advice.”

She exhales and a serious look crosses her face. “Look Steel, we’ve had our ups and downs. I always saw myself heading down a path with you. It went skewiff when Willow came on the scene, then Danger showed up too and things are changing. But Willow’s gone, and now we both have to make a choice. Steel, I’ve always wanted to be your Old Lady. Deep down you know that—”

“Lunar—”

“No, let me finish. Steel, I know there’s something here. You need to make a choice and you need to make it now. I’m here, I’ve always been here. I love this club and I don’t want to leave, so being with you seems like the right choice for me. You’re who’s right for me, Steel. Just tell me you love me and we can move through this together.”

Clenching my muscles together as a knot forms in my stomach, I shake my head slowly. “Lunar, darlin’ you’re a good friend. You always have been—”

“But?”

I exhale. “But I want Willow. I’m sorry she’s the woman for me. I can’t get her out of my head. I’m sorry if I’m hurtin’ you. I know you want more from me, but I just can’t give it to you. You’re better off with Danger.”

“You’re right! You’re so pathetic right now anyway lying here all pussy whipped and rotting away while your brothers talk about how you’re losing the plot.”

I scoff knowing she’s just getting defensive because she’s hurting, but still. “Lunar, I’m sorry.”

“Whatever! Willow deserves better than you. You’re weak, Steel. I don’t even know who you are right now. You’re certainly not Vice President material.”

“Lunar, you need to leave, before I say somethin’ I’ll regret.”

She glowers at me. “You just need to get laid. Do you want me to send in Sky or Jess?”

My blood boils red hot as my skin prickles with beads of sweat at the thought of sleeping with
anyone
other than Willow.

“
Fuck off!
Get the fuck out
now
, Lunar. How dare you come in here tellin’ me what I need? Fuck off! Get out!
Get out!”
I yell sitting up and pushing her off the bed.

She huffs standing up shaking her head then walks toward the door. “This is your funeral, Steel. Your brothers are going to cane you for this.” She closes the door behind her.

Breathing through my nose my teeth squeak as they grind together. My hand grips around the bourbon bottle and with all the pent up anger inside me I catapult the bottle at the door. It smashes against the wood shattering and splashing the remaining liquid all over the door, it trickles down as I breathe harshly watching the droplets melt downward like the pieces of my broken heart disintegrating. Cassius looks at me as I breathe rapidly through my nose feeling somewhat better for letting out some rage.

“What, don’t you judge me too,” I murmur to him as he flops back down on the bed.

I’m half up now, I may as well go and shower to relax my tense muscles. Plus, I think Lunar was right—I do stink. Walking into the bathroom, I turn on the hot water as hot as it will go. Stepping in under the scalding shower, it prickles my skin and I wince as it burns. It’s almost like I want to scald myself as punishment for Tyrell, and for losing Willow as a consequence. Never thinking I was good enough for her, missing her, and wishing there were something I could do to get her back.

Moping around like this is losing the respect of my brothers and that’s never a good thing.
God only knows what my father thinks.
I know he’s always had a thing about women anyway because of Mum leaving. She was against me joining the club because of what happened to Tyson and Byron. My brothers died because of Dad’s association with the club. Mum never forgave him for that, and when I decided to become a prospect, all she could envisage was that her only remaining child was going to die too.

So she left us!

Mum would rather leave us and never see us again than stay and watch me die at the hands of this club. Dad loved her so much, she was his Old Lady and even though she left, I know she’s still heavily protected by the club even if she doesn’t know it. Dad thinks I don’t know, but he loves her still and misses her very much. He just didn’t want me to end up losing my woman, which is precisely what happened. Willow left because she couldn’t handle the club. Dad saw it coming. But I guess any time with Willow was better than never knowing her at all. Even if I am screwed for the rest of my life when it comes to women, at least I knew what it was like to feel something real, even just once.

After scrubbing away my stench and letting the water relax my muscles, I step out of the shower and dry myself putting on some shorts. I’m in the mood for more depressing music, so I turn on my stereo to Pink Floyd’s ‘
Keep Talking.’
The words are just how I feel right now. Willow won’t talk to me, and I’m depressed as hell. I turn it up loud as Cassius curls up on my bed further, almost like he’s trying to hide from the music that I’ve put on repeat. Making my way back over to the bed, I lie down next to Cassius and let the haunting music pour over me. It’s so loud it's deafening as the words slice through me saying exactly how I feel right now.

My bedroom door swings open and I look over to see Techie standing in the doorway looking down at the broken glass and liquid. He frowns and shakes his head stepping on the glass and storms over, turning the music down.

“Hey, I was listenin’ to that!”

“So was the entire clubhouse you fucker. Could you have had it any louder? You know that if it’s over eighty-five decibels you could have permanent hearing loss, right?” he asks as he walks over and sits down on my bed next to me.

I exhale and roll my eyes. “I guess you’re here to pep talk me, too?”

He shrugs. “I’m not going to pep talk you, but I am going to be your best mate right now. You’ve got a broken heart.”

I scoff and shake my head. “Whatever! I don’t.”

“I’m worried, bro. Did you know that emotional pain that’s so severe can cause
'broken heart syndrome,'
which can include physical damage to the heart known in the medical industry as stress-induced cardiomyopathy.
Broken heart syndrome
imitates symptoms of a heart attack, including shortness of breath, chest pain, heart failure, and a feeling of impending doom.”

I groan and clench my eyes tight. “I’m not gonna have a heart attack.”

“That’s not what I said… I said it mimics a heart attack. So that tightness deep in your chest right now… that tightness that’s making you breathe faster, and the feeling that everything’s turned to shit? That feeling, my friend, is
broken heart syndrome
, and you have it… bad.”

“Well, fix it then,” I say.

Techie clicks his tongue on the roof of his mouth. “Oh, I wish I could, brother. But the only thing that will fix you… is Willow.”

Hearing her name tightens my chest even further and he slaps my leg making me look down at him.

“Go to her, try and fix things. I’m sure she’s missing you, too. And if she isn’t then, at least, you’ve tried to give it another go. If you don’t, you’ll always wonder,
what if
.” I sit up on my elbows and look at him as he glances at me and purses his lips. “Shave, though, you look like an ape.”

I chuckle as he stands up and walks toward my door, his boots crunching on the broken bourbon bottle. "And Steel?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t fuck it up this time!”

I nod and sit on the edge of the bed and take in a deep breath. Maybe Techie is right. I need to stop being a fucking pussy and get my fucking tough macho arse back into gear and go and get my girl—
I can do this!

Standing up, I quickly get dressed and then grab Cassius lifting him to my chest. He looks at me like I’ve lost my mind, but I carry him over the broken glass and let him down in the hall and then close the door to my room. I’ll come back to that later. Racing out to the main clubroom, I see Knucklehead at the bar. He nods and smiles as I pass.

“Good to see you up and about, Steel.”

“Thanks, Knucklehead. Hey, there’s a bourbon and broken glass situation in my room. Can you get someone to fix that for me?”

He nods as he wipes clean a stein glass. “Sure thing, VP.”

I hike it out of the clubrooms to my Hog. It’s a Saturday, so Willow should be home. My heart is beating frantically as I pull on my lid and jump on my bike. Starting the engine, it’s fucking awesome to feel the vibration of the engine beneath me. I haven’t ridden for a while, and it seems like maybe things are slowly shifting back to normal after my month of fuck knows what I was doing.

Gatekeeper opens the gate and I hammer down as fast as I can to get to my girl. The need to see her is becoming unbearable. I haven’t seen her for so long, and the thought of finally touching her and smelling her flowery scent is making my cock ache and my heart race. I’m doing the right thing. This has gone on long enough. I’ve given her time. She needs to be back with me, right now.

Pulling down her street, flashes of the night I hid in the bushes across from her house spring to mind, and a smile crosses my face. She was so feisty and vibrant back then. I hope she hasn’t changed. She better not have moved on, and I wish to fuck she’s missed me as much as I’ve missed her. The radio silence has been deafening. My Hog pulls up across the street and I take a deep breath looking at the sandstone and picket fence I’ve missed so much. She has curtains in her front room now, and I swallow hard hoping that she didn’t hear my bike and that she answers the door. Taking off my lid, I stand up and walk over to her house with sweaty palms and a speeding heart that feels like it might actually burst out of my chest if I can’t calm the fuck down. Taking a deep breath, I ring her doorbell and take a step back, so I don’t intimidate her with me standing right in her doorway when she opens the door.

Moments later the door begins to creak open and my heart literally stops in my chest. I gasp as she pulls open the door and our eyes connect. A spark surges through us as she smiles. Then just as quickly as she grins it falls off her face, and she frowns making my chest ache. She looks so beautiful, her red hair is the same, long and lustrous flowing over her shoulders. Her lips are full and glossy making me want to kiss the hell out of them. Her skin pale showing off the small speckle of freckles over her nose in just the right light. But her eyes, they’re glassy and red. Like she’s been crying for an eternity. The sight makes me gasp as every part of me tenses looking at the obvious pain she’s in.

“What are you doing here?”