Heart of the Outback (4 page)

Yet if she was totally honest with herself, could she have resisted him when he started making love to her, when he had already seduced her with his eyes, arousing so much need, promising every answer to it? Would she have thought of Kate Morgan when Gareth himself had filled her mind to the exclusion of everything else?

“No,” she answered flatly. “The only difference would have been that afterwards I would have hated you more.”

His mouth curled in self-mockery. “If it gives you any satisfaction, I hated myself enough for us both.”

“Did you feel guilt enough for both of us, too?” she asked derisively.

She could see the withdrawal in his eyes, the flicker of pain that was too private to share, and she wished she hadn’t said that. What good could it do to keep lashing out at him? He was free of his marriage now. If there was any chance of her having a real relationship with Gareth Morgan, she could only destroy it by endlessly reminding him of the wife he had loved.

It was probably crazy to hope there might be any chance at all. Yet if there was, shouldn’t she try for it? Not just for herself. She didn’t have only herself to consider.

“It went beyond control, Alida,” Gareth said quietly. “I don’t know why. A mesh of circumstances, the time, the place, you. There’s no excuse.”

“No. There’s no excuse.” She heaved a sigh to relieve her pent-up feelings. Before she could stop them, more accusing words spilled from her lips. “If you’d left me alone. Avoided me…”

“How does one avoid the unavoidable? You’re the most desirable woman I’ve ever met.” His mouth quirked into a little movement that projected apologetic appeal. “I know that’s no excuse.”

Was he flattering her or telling the truth? Whichever, this dwelling on the past only served to keep stirring the deep bitterness she harboured. Better to put it aside. She had to think about the future.

She gave him an ironic little smile. “You’re a desirable man, Gareth. That’s no excuse, either.”

She felt his chest rise and fall against her breasts. Hungry need simmered into his eyes. He moved the hand he was holding to his shoulder, released it, then slowly stroked his fingers down the long silky fall of her hair.

“I tried very hard to forget you, Alida. I tried to forget what happened between us.”

The thought of him failing to control himself over her, failing to forget what had happened, was like an aphrodisiac, fanning her memories of the wild passion they had known together. “So did I… try to forget,” she answered huskily.

His eyes searched hers, feeding off her susceptibility to his words. “I didn’t succeed,” he said.

“Neither did I,” she replied recklessly. Perhaps he wouldn’t cut her off so cruelly this time. Perhaps he would learn to care for her.

“You did not seem to be attached to any of the men at your table.”

Would it deter him if she was? Alida wondered. If she was prepared to give in to him, would he have any scruples about sweeping any other man aside to take what he wanted? How much did Gareth want her this time? How far would he go?

“I don’t have a partner, if that’s what you mean,” she replied, opening the door for him, telling herself she would act just like Gareth, taking what she wanted. If it led to the kind of relationship she needed with him… But if it didn’t, she would use him as he had used her. Why not? She was thirty years old, unmarried, unloved except by her family. And Gareth Morgan was the only man she wanted.

“There is no man in your life at present?”

No man since him, Alida thought in bitter irony. If only he knew. But he would never find that out. It would be admitting too much. She had to know a lot more about the heart and mind of Gareth Morgan, and be sure he was worthy of her confidences, before she could consider revealing all that had resulted from her first encounter with him.

“Not at present,” she answered.

His face relaxed. Satisfaction glinted in his eyes. The questioning was over for the time being. He had secured the ground he wanted—everything cleared for him to move in on her. He proceeded to do so.

The hand that had stroked her hair slid to her back, gently pressing her closer. Alida gave in to the temptation to slide her hands around his neck and lean into him. He bent his head. She felt the warmth of his breath waver through her hair. He stroked her back with light knowing fingers, weaving a web of intense sensitivity to his touch.

The dance went on, building the tension between them, teasing the memories of all the primitive intimacies they had once shared with each other. Alida felt the forceful stirring of his manhood, revelled in his inability to repress it, moved her body to incite his desire.

“Alida.” It was very close to an animal growl, the heat of his breath tingling on her ear. “We’re not playing games. Yes or no.”

Her need for him went beyond the purely sexual. She had to try for more. Her self-respect demanded it. “What would I be saying yes to, Gareth? A one-night stand? Is that what you want me for?”

His mouth moved over her hair, and she sensed the yearning in him to sate all his senses with her. “I’m here until Monday. God knows if it will be enough. Maybe I can make some other arrangements. I don’t know, Alida. Don’t ask me for promises.”

Monday. Four nights, three days. Could she make him care enough about her in so little time? What if tonight was all he really wanted? But what alternative did she have? Gareth was right. There was no time to play games, to find out if he was speaking the truth. He wouldn’t respect her for that anyway. He would depart as he had done before. And that would be the end.

She dropped all thought of revenge. An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth wasn’t all that much comfort when you were lonely. Her heart quivered between hope and despair as she gave him the answer he wanted.

“I want you, Gareth.”

He stopped dancing. His hand slid under her hair to the nape of her neck, curling around it, tilting her head back. His piercing blue eyes blazed into hers, turbulent green pools of intense vulnerability and despair.

“We’re both mad. You know that. It can’t lead anywhere that will satisfy either one of us.”

He was warning her that there was no future for them. But there could be, Alida thought feverishly, if only he would allow the possibility.

“You don’t have the monopoly on madness, Gareth,” she said wryly.

His hand moved to gently stroke her cheek. “Perhaps we’re both fools, as well,” he said softly. “Always have been.”

“Perhaps,” she whispered.

“You have a place where we can go?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“Now?”

She nodded.

“Then let’s go.”

His arm went around her shoulders, holding her close to his side. They headed towards her table. Alida was grateful for the physical support. Her legs felt weak and shaky.

“What about your sister?” she asked.

“She has the chauffeur to take her home. I told her I would make my own way to her place,” he answered.

Alida’s eyes flew to his in sharp enquiry. Had he been so certain of getting his way with her? God! He was so arrogantly self-assured, manipulating everything to suit his needs!

He gave her a twisted little smile. “If you’d refused me I would have headed for the nearest bar to drown my sorrows.”

“So the choice was between me and the bar,” she observed drily.

“The bar was definitely a very second preference.”

“And your sister obliged,” she said even more drily, remembering her earlier thoughts on the obliging nature of his sister.

“We had a rather sharp argument on our way here tonight. I didn’t feel like having another tête-à-tête with her on the trip home. I guess she felt the same way.”

“What did you argue about?”

He shrugged dismissively. “Various things.”

“Such as?”

“They’re not important now.”

His eyes told her that wanting to be with her, having her, was the only important thing. Alida would have liked to know what he had argued about with his sister. She wanted to know everything he cared about, everything he thought, everything he felt. If only he would let her into his life!

At least tonight might give her some sort of a foothold. His wife was no longer a barrier. Perhaps Gareth wanted her for more than to satisfy his transient desire. If she pleased him enough, perhaps there was a chance. Yet the greatest likelihood was that she was making a total fool of herself again. Well, if she was, she would be a fool in her own individual way.

She looked ahead to her table. What were her friends going to think? What were Deborah Hargreaves and the rest of her party going to think? She shook her head. It didn’t matter what they thought. She was doing what was right for her.

She glanced at the faces of her friends surreptitiously watching her approach, Jill’s expression wary, Suzanne’s fascinated, Ivan’s speculative. Alida wondered what they read on her face, what they read on Gareth’s. Was it plain to see that they were about to go to bed together? She hoped not.

There was little justification for that hope. After all, it was the commonly held view that the fashion set had no compunctions or morals about doing such things. By admitting her susceptibility to his attraction, she hadn’t even cleared Gareth’s mind of that opinion.

Her friends smiled at her as she reached her chair. Alida managed a responding smile. “If you’ll excuse me, Gareth has offered to take me home,” she announced.

“A fitting end to a brilliant night,” Ivan rolled out, his bright brown eyes twinkling delight.

“Don’t forget the statuette!” Suzanne cried, reaching out for it to hand it over.

Jill forestalled her, picking it up and presenting it to Alida with a flourish. “Alida, you have done us all proud,” she said warmly.

“We did it together,” Alida replied.

Gareth picked up her handbag and bade her friends good night. They chorused something back. She didn’t really hear. Gareth’s hand was on her arm, drawing her away. Then he was steering her towards the exit from the ballroom.

This could very well be the most important night of my life, Alida thought, then glanced in wry whimsy at the statuette in her hand. It meant absolutely nothing compared to what Gareth Morgan could mean to her. Once again he had changed everything for her. She desperately hoped it would be for the better this time. Not only for her sake… but also for the son Gareth didn’t know he had.

The taxi pulled away from the hotel. It was at least a twenty-minute trip to Claremont, where Alida lived. She was grateful for that fact. It gave her time to examine what she was doing. It also gave her time to change her mind if she wanted to.

Then Gareth reached across and took her hand in his, strong fingers curling around hers, stroking them as though savouring the soft texture of her skin. Holding hands seemed oddly juvenile, yet there was nothing juvenile about what Gareth’s touch did to her. He might have been clutching her heart, making it pump faster, spreading an aching need through her entire body.

She glanced at him and found him studying her, as though absorbing every detail. He gave her a half-smile that held appreciation. It was perfectly plain he was not harbouring doubts about what he wanted or his course of action.

“What are you doing in Perth, Gareth?” she asked.

He shrugged. “I have some business to transact.” He hesitated, frowned, then reluctantly added, “I wanted to spend some time with my daughter, as well.”

“I didn’t know that.” The words spilled out.

He looked at her oddly.

“That you had a daughter,” Alida explained, hoping that she didn’t look and sound as stricken as she felt. The idea of Gareth having a child—children?— from his marriage had never crossed her mind. None had been in evidence when she had been at Riordan River. But then his wife had not been there, either.

He winced at her surprise. “I did have some normal years of marriage, Alida.”

A painful flush washed up her neck and burned into her cheeks. “Yes, of course,” she mumbled and snapped her head away, looking blindly out the side window. How would he feel about having another child, one who had not been born to his beloved wife? How would his daughter feel about a half-brother born from adultery?

“Do you have any other children?” she asked, trying to keep all emotion out of her voice.

“No.”

“How old is she?”

He expelled a breath as though impatient with this line of conversation. “Stacey is thirteen. She started at boarding school this year. She’s not settling very well. She misses—well, she misses me and the life she’s known up until now.”

And her mother, Alida added for him. A girl would always miss her mother. Especially at thirteen when her life was changing in so many ways. Alida well remembered her own problems when she had been sent away to school. Gareth’s daughter would undoubtedly have a lot of adjusting to do.

Would she ever accept another woman in her mother’s place? But that was leaping too far ahead, Alida reminded herself. First things first. If Gareth was only after satisfaction with her, there was little point in worrying over a future.

Unless he could come to love her.

Yes, that was what she really wanted, Alida acknowledged. For Gareth to return the love he had left stillborn in her five years ago. Despite the way he had treated her then, he could still stir the same feelings that yearned for fulfilment.

Could she live with less, she wondered? Was she willing to compromise if it meant Andy would have his father? If it meant she could have Gareth as a constant in her life, even if it was only a part-time constant? Was there any real chance of having something good with him that would not cost her her self-respect?

Alida slowly regained her composure. She turned to look at the man who could mean so much to her and her son. His gaze was fixed on the road ahead, but not seeing it. Alida’s heart sank. By speaking of his daughter, she had obviously reminded him of his wife again.

She saw his mouth compress into a thin line. Then his hand tightened around hers and he swung his head towards her, blue eyes glittering. When he found her looking at him, his expression softened.