Heartache Falls (20 page)

“Yeeek,” she squealed, whirling around. “Was that a … moo?”

Mac’s gaze was locked on her chest. “Uh-huh.”

“From a cow?”

“That’s a steer, Alison.”

“What’s a steer doing here?” She grabbed paper napkins from the picnic basket and wiped at the stain on her shirt. “An elk, okay. A mountain lion, fine. Shoot, even a bear makes sense. But a cow?”

“A steer.” Amusement shimmered in his voice. “Ranches usually do have cattle, honey.”

“I thought we’d crossed into national forest. I saw a sign.”

“Hmm. You are right about that. I guess this steer can’t read.”

“Very funny, Timberlake. This is the first time I’ve worn this shirt and I’ve spilled wine on it. It’s probably ruined.”

“Take it off and rinse it in the creek before the stain sets.” When she paused and looked worriedly around, he added, “No one will see you but the steer, and not only is it impossible for him to tattle on you, he doesn’t have the equipment needed to take advantage of the situation. I, on the other hand …” He waggled his eyebrows wolfishly.

Ali frowned at him.

The amusement in his eyes transformed to heat. “Take off your shirt, Ali-cat.”

A ribbon of heat fluttered through her. “I guess I do need to soak the stain.”

“You certainly do.”

After glancing around the meadow one more time, she reached down to pull the shirt up and off, then hesitated. “If I do, will you give me your shirt to wear on the way back to town?”

“I certainly will.”

He sucked in an audible breath when she revealed the sexy red bra. When she knelt beside the creek and leaned over to rinse the shirt, he shifted to get a better view. Ali tended to the shirt, honestly fretful over the stain.

When she’d done her best with the shirt, she stretched it out to dry atop the boulder where she’d fished. When she turned around, Mac sat stretched out on their blanket, propped up on his elbows. He said, “I want to make love to you, Ali. Here. Now.”

She licked her lips. It had been a long time since they’d last made love outdoors. This wasn’t like Mac at all. He’d always put the kibosh on similar risky behavior when she’d proposed it. She pointed across the creek. “That is a national park. What if a park ranger comes along? It wouldn’t look good for a federal judge to get arrested for public indecency.”

“I’m of a mood to live on the wild side for a bit.”

Just wait until he got a look at her panties—such as they were.

And yet it didn’t feel right. She didn’t feel right. She hadn’t quite shaken her brooding mood.

Nevertheless, she made an effort to do just that by
reminding herself how much she’d missed him, how much she’d wanted his attention, how much she loved him. This was an off-the-charts romantic moment. What sort of fool would she be if she didn’t take advantage of it?

Determined now, Ali threw herself into the effort. She toed off her shoes and socks, then turned around, facing away from him. Releasing the button on her jeans, she tugged down the zipper and slowly, sinuously, slid them down over her hips and off.

“Holy mother of God,” Mac prayed.

She glanced back at him over her shoulder. “Like what you see?”

He scrambled to his feet, grabbed a corner of the blanket, and yanked it out from beneath the picnic basket. He carried it around behind the boulder, where tall grasses and a leafy bush provided additional shelter from any potential prying eyes, spread it on the ground, then returned to where Ali stood. As he lifted her into his arms, he said, “You take my breath away, Alison. You always have.”

He laid her down onto the blanket and made sweet, almost reverent love to her.

Throughout the process, Ali tried to lose herself as she had before. She desperately sought that closeness, that sense of being one with him. She yearned for the connection they had reestablished during the night and earlier this morning, and while he gave her physical gratification, emotional satisfaction remained out of reach. She tried hard to pretend otherwise, but she simply couldn’t shake the effects of her decision.

Mac, always perceptive, noticed. He rolled off her and lay beside her. They didn’t touch. They didn’t
speak. Ali thought that if she stretched out her foot, she might find frost on their picnic blanket.

That’s when she knew she couldn’t do it. Sure, he’d made the first move by coming to her, but nothing really had changed. The problems that had driven her to the mountains still existed. Pretending otherwise, trying to wish it otherwise, didn’t change a thing.

Their blissful idyll of peace and togetherness was over.

TEN

As Mac reached for his boxers, he felt old and tired and worn. Not because of the sex. The sex itself left his body energized. What dragged him down were the thoughts running through his mind. So much for his hope that his wife had returned to her senses. Been here, done this before with Alison.

Welcome back to reality
.

Welcome back to misery
.

Welcome back to his frostbitten marriage
.

He couldn’t reach her. She’d gone off into that world of hers where he couldn’t follow. No matter how much he tried, no matter how hard he reached for her, she shut him out. They were right back where they’d started.

Mac wanted to drop back his head and howl his frustration toward the heavens. Instead, he pulled on his jeans, reached for his socks, and took a few moments to consider his options. He could pretend he hadn’t noticed. He’d had more sex in the past twenty-four hours than he’d had all year, and the prospect of giving it up again was nothing to take lightly.

But the cost of such action was high. In those last few months when he’d continued to try with Ali, sex had given him relief but no pleasure. If that was all he
was going to get out of the effort, his hand would do the job well enough with much less fuss.

His other option was to call her on it. Maybe if he did it in a nice, gentle manner, she wouldn’t get defensive the way she had the last time he’d attempted to broach the subject. Maybe if he’d confronted the elephant in their bed the first time he’d sensed it, the animal wouldn’t have grown so big so fast, and they might have avoided the trouble that eventually sent her running for the mountains.

The trick would be finding that nice, gentle manner within himself and maintaining it. He wasn’t feeling very nice or gentle at the moment.

He shoved his foot into first one boot, then the other. One thing he did know with complete certainty was that he didn’t want history to repeat. If they were ever going to fix whatever was wrong with their marriage, it had to be now.
So hold on to your cool, Timberlake. Keep your eye on the goal here. You want Ali back home where she belongs and for life to be normal again. The way to make that happen is to lock away your emotions for the time being and use your brain
.

Mac blew out a heavy breath, yanked on his shoelaces, tied the bows, and then rolled to his feet and turned to face his wife.

Ali had dressed in her underwear, then pulled on the wet shirt. Seeing her in the dripping shirt made him see red that had nothing to do with wine stains and everything to do with the sense that happiness was slipping beyond his grasp. “I told you I’d give you my shirt, Alison.”

“I’m fine.”

She said it all perky and sweet with a smile that didn’t reach her eyes. That only stoked his anger more. Mac shoved his hands in his back pockets and dropped his chin to his chest. A litany of curses ran through his mind and his temper threatened to erupt, but he determinedly reined it in. Finally he judged himself to be in control enough to say, “Okay, I think it’s better we have this talk now instead of later. In fact, I think we’d be better off today if we’d had it a long time ago. I need to understand what is going on here, Alison.”

“What do you mean?”

“I couldn’t reach you just now. This morning I could. Yesterday, too.” Frustration thickened his voice as he finished, “But not now. I need to know why.”

For a moment she looked like she might try to deny it, but he folded his arms and leaned against the boulder nearby, signaling that he was settling in for the duration.

Ali sighed and began to pace. “I’m sorry. It’s my fault. I’d decided—”

She abruptly shut her mouth. When she didn’t elaborate, he prodded, “Decided what?”

She halted, shoved her fingers through her hair, then plucked the wet shirt away from her skin and flapped the hem, attempting to dry it. “I’d decided we need to talk about our marriage, too.”

And that was such a turnoff to her? Mac clamped his mouth tight to avoid the question that would certainly make her defensive. “Okay, good. Where do you want to start?”

“I don’t know. It’s almost overwhelming to think
about. I know we need to talk, but I’m worried about what we will say. What if we hurt each other and end up making things worse?”

“We’re living apart, Ali. How can that be any worse?” When she looked at him then with tears in her eyes, he spoke from the depths of his soul. “Come home, Ali. Please, come home to me.”

“I want you to love me.”

He waited a beat as frustration flared inside him, fierce and hot. She wanted him to love her? What sort of nonsense was that? “Alison, I
do
love you. You should know that. Haven’t I proved it? I came to you, didn’t I? I swallowed my pride and I came to you because I love you. I believe that in your heart of hearts, you still love me. Because we have that going for us, I think we should be able to overcome everything else, don’t you?”

She closed her eyes and rubbed them with her fingertips. “I hope so. Oh, Mac, I really hope so.”

“Okay, then. Let’s face our problems head-on and maybe we’ll be able to do something about them. Talk to me, Ali.”

“About sex?”

“Yes. I admit that’s an important subject to me.”

“To me, too.” She licked her lips, then said, “I guess it’s as good a place to start as any.”

When she fell silent again, he thought it might help to give her a place to start, so he repeated his question. “I need to know why you made love with me in the shower this morning and had sex with me a few minutes ago.”

The distinction was subtle but vitally important. Ali understood his point, because she whirled around
and said, “Don’t you see? That’s the problem. We weren’t making love this morning. We were having vacation sex. We’ve
always
been good at vacation sex, at shower sex and picnic sex and in-front-of-the-fireplace sex. It’s sex with no worries, no distractions, and no reality. Well, it was lovely and fun and it made us both feel better for a while, but it wasn’t real.”

“It felt real to me.” Knowing it wouldn’t help, he bit back the additional words he was tempted to say.
More real than what just took place on that blanket
.

She appeared to wilt before his eyes. “I’m sorry, Mac.”

“Don’t tell me you’re sorry. Tell my
why. Why
did you shut me out today? Why did you shut me out a year ago?”

At first he thought she wasn’t going to answer him, but after a long moment, she said, “I think … I’m afraid.”

“Of me?”

“Of being empty.”

“Of being empty? What does that mean?”

Ali wrapped her arms around herself and resumed pacing, her words tripping over themselves and making little sense. “It’s because we’re like a creek and our bedrock eroded and we’re quicksand.”

“Oh, for God’s sake. Let go of dramatic metaphor for just this one conversation, would you, please? Focus. You need to focus. You’re not making sense. This is important.”

“I know it’s important,” she fired back, temper snapping in her eyes. “You don’t get it. This isn’t a dramatic metaphor. It’s my life! It’s your life. It’s our children’s lives. Do you think I’m not cognizant of the
effects my actions have had on you and on our children?”

Despite his best intentions, Mac’s temper stirred. “I don’t know, Alison. I don’t know what is going on in your head.”

“Guilt.” She threw out her arms. “That’s what’s going on in my head. I feel guilty for leaving you. Guilty for what that has done to our children. Guilty for needing more when you’ve all given me so much. I’m being selfish and I hate that, but I can’t help it, either. It’s like these feelings have been fermenting inside me for years.”

“So what do you want? What more do you need?”

“I need a life, Mac.”

“You haven’t had a life with me?”

“Of course I’ve had a life with you. A life as Mrs. Mackenzie Timberlake. I’ve had a life as my father’s daughter and as Stephen, Chase, and Caitlin’s mom. I’ve had a life as a volunteer and fund-raiser and team mom and the dog walker and the keeper of the Kleenex. When I say I need a life, I’m talking about Alison Timberlake. Me. That’s what I’ve found in Eternity Springs—a life for Ali Timberlake. A life for me.”

The drama queen was back. Mac literally bit his tongue to keep from firing off one of the smart-ass remarks that came to mind. Unfortunately, he was unable to hold back a bit of a sneer as he said, “I didn’t realize you were so unhappy with the life I’ve helped provide.”

She waved her hand. “It’s not that at all. I was happy to be your wife and happy to be the kids’ mother. For many, many years that filled me up. But
the kids grew up and you achieved your dream. I think it made me regret never reaching for my own. I’m in my forties, and what do I have? So much is over. It’s too late for Ali’s dreams.”