Hearts' Desires (20 page)

             
“Well, I don’t care what they think. Let them talk if they want, Alison. This has nothing to do with them, only with us. We are not kids who have to ask permission before going out for dinner. Am I right?”
             
Alison was partly ready to decline nonetheless, but the charm of the place was working on her. It folded around her with its warmth and light and literally drew her in.
She shook her head with a resigned little smile, then finally stepped up to the table where Vance was holding a chair for her. Seeing the table settings, Alison was astonished.

             
“You didn’t fly all this in by chance, did you?!”
             
“Actually, I bribed the chef from our catering company. I’ll probably be in debt for the rest of my life, but…”
             
“Filled Avocados are my favorites.
And the cakes from ‘Cha
r
ley’s Bakery’ in Cape Town!”
She glanced over the funny looking bright colored pastries, which each had a letter on its sugar crust. They spelled ‘Alison’. She shook her head in di
s
belief. “I love them, and Grandma loved them… - How did you know? You have talked to Max about this?!”
             
“Yes, I did. And he revealed all your favorite foods.”
             
“You are…” She missed the words.
             
“What?
Crazy?
I know that already.”
             
Vance had poured some wine and now lifted his glass in a toast. “To the accomplishment of the past days, to our brave crew and to the force behind it all: Alison.”
             
The glasses clinked and Alison blushed.
This is like in a stupid movie
, she thought. But still – it felt wonderful.
             
They were eating, drinking and talking. They laughed about childhood memories and ranted about annoying co
l
leagues. Alison didn’t even censor herself anymore, stopped worrying about what to say and what was better left unsp
o
ken. So she told him about her non-existing plans after the current movie project.
             
“You want to retire after this is done? I don’t think this is a wise idea,” Vance said, while distributing the dessert. “You have far too much energy and creativity to put it on hold for long, believe me. You’re just like me. I get totally grumpy when there’s no work and purpose!”
             
It was the feeling that floated in her own mind, the one crea
t
ing little panic spikes now and then, when she tried to plan for the time ‘after’. She had postponed the thought further and further, refused to think about it at all, the closer the dea
d
line came she had set for retirement.
             
“I actually thought I should stop at the height of my c
a
reer, before… ending up on the sidelines,” Alison defended her decision half-heartedly. At the moment, she couldn’t figure out why she had made it at all. No, she didn’t want to stop directing! Neverth
e
less, she was not satisfied with the way things had been going since her last production. There was this… uneasiness and unrest, she couldn’t calm by bringing yet more perfection into her work.
             
“I just think I have reached the point of no return. The peak, you know? I can only go downhill from here.”
             
“Perhaps with projects like this one!
You should do som
e
thing different; a movie about this country, for instance. There is such a rich, dramatic and deep history; this soil is soaked with tears and blood – the stories are just waiting for you!”
             
“But I doubt Hollywood is waiting for social dramas about South Africa – least of all directed by me. You know what typecas
t
ing means. Alison Cartwright has to deliver beautiful romantic st
o
ries in gorgeous landscapes with happy endings!”
             
“Maybe you should tell these fools good-bye and come back here.” Vance looked at her seriously.
             
“With you?”
The moment the words were out of her mouth, she realized what she had said and tried to retract them. “I should stop drinking; I don’t know what I’m saying anymore!” She pushed her wine glass back so hastily, it nea
r
ly tipped over. Then she stood up and walked to the window.

             
“I could use some fresh air…”
             
“I’ll go anywhere with you, Alison,” Vance answered, stepping behind her, lightly resting his hands on her shou
l
ders. “To be ho
n
est, I can’t imagine being anywhere without you.”
             
His voice had become a whisper caressing her neck. Al
i
son’s heart was pounding and he was close enough she could almost feel his heartbeat too. She longed to touch him, feel him, to just melt into him. However - that meant giving up co
n
trol and taking a chance! What if she gave in and he found her lacking, decided she wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, young enough? What if she could not be as perfect as she wanted to be? She did not want to disappoint him.
Especially not him.
             
“That’s very flattering, but I don’t think you know what you’re saying. I’m not the woman you may think I am. You barely know me…”

             
Alison stared into the still closed window and saw her own nervous, frozen features mirrored in the glass. Hoping Vance
would simply step back to the table, or perhaps grab a
cig
a
rette,
she closed her eyes and nearly stopped breathing. She felt trapped like a deer in the headlights. And still she could sense his presence very close.
             
“When I was cast for this movie, I felt old and over the hill, I felt I was just a stand in, the second hand replacement for the actor you really wanted for the role. But I didn’t count you in, Alison. Working with you, getting to know you, has changed everything. I feel alive, strong again, hopeful. I feel like a young man falling in love for the first time, falling in love with the most exciting and wonderful woman I’ve ever met. I do love you, Alison.”
             
She turned around, her head spinning while looking into his eyes. Those beautiful grey green eyes with the golden sparkles, like gold splinters in a moss covered riverbed. Alison didn’t know whether smile or cry, and ended up doing both - overwhelmed by the situation.
             
Vance wrapped his arms around her. “… and I love your smile.
Makes you even more beautiful.”
             
“Gives me more wrinkles,” Alison murmured, tears still falling over her smile, and dried her face. So much for m
a
keup; heavens, how silly!
             
“So what?
I don’t care. You are perfect! Wrinkles are life – we are no lifeless puppets or robots.”
             
She stretched her hand and slowly traced along his cheek. “I love you, too.” The words came out of her mouth before she had a chance to think about it, or over think it, as she usually did. Vance took her hand and kissed her finge
r
tips. She was so enthralled that it startled her when he let her go and asked: “What do think, should we finish our Cha
m
paign before it goes flat?”

             
“Oh… I… think I’ve had enough.”

             
Vance checked the bottle. “It’s just about half a glass for
each of us.”

             
Alison couldn’t resist his smile. It was more intoxicating than the alcohol. He gave her the half-filled glass and then reached for the remaining two cakes on the dessert plate.

             
“Too delicious to leave behind!”

             
They laughed.

             
“Too delicious…” He placed the arm around her waist and traced her lips with his finger.
“Too beautiful!”

             
Maybe it was the effect of the alcohol, or Vance’s gentle irr
e
sistible touch – Alison had never felt so light, even airy. He lowered his head, and his lips touched hers. Vance couldn’t suppress a soft groan of pleasure, when he felt her respon
d
ing and deepened the kiss.

             
But the very next moment, her fail-safe kicked in. She freed herself from his embrace.

             
“Alison, what’s wrong?”

             
“I have to go,” she answered with husky voice, and a
l
ready she was at the door.
“
Let‘
s just forget this has ever happened!”

             
“What?”
             
She kept silent, tried with a hasty move to put her hair toget
h
er, but the hairclip dropped from her shaking hands and she couldn’t see where it had fallen. It didn’t matter – she wasn’t going to look for it now. She turned to the door.
             
“Alison! Please, talk to me! If… if I did something wrong, if I moved too fast, I’m sorry.” He reached for her arm, but hast
i
ly she twisted away.
             
“Please don’t…!”
             
She fled out of the room and downstairs.  Outside the h
o
tel, she realized how it must look and she forced herself not to run. Her l
egs felt like rubber suddenly.
Fortunately Alison did not run into anyone on her way back to her bungalow. Still shaking, she slammed the door behind her,
then
dropped on
the bed. She felt like crying and screaming, but could do ne
i
ther. It was as if all her emotions were cut off. With some e
f
fort she rose eventually, to swallow a tranquilizer and another ‘feel-good’ pill she rarely used. Then she shuffled back to the bed, sat down and waited for the stuff to kick in.
How could I let this happen?
             
Vance stood in the hotel room, amidst the shards of his wo
n
derful evening and was stunned. The abrupt change from being happy and within reach of his goal to this was more than he could handle. He
couldn
’
t imagine what had gone wrong so suddenly. It took a while before he pulled himself together enough to blow out the candles and walk down the staircase as well. He felt tired, exhausted and old - again. A
f
ter standing in the deserted yard for some time, he decided to knock at Alison
‘
s door.

             
“Alison? Please talk to me. Alison!”

             
“Go away! Please, go away!” was all he got.

             
He stayed there, though, knowing he
wouldn
’
t be able to sleep anyway, and hoping the door would open and he could hold her again. He waited in vain.

Alison could not sleep either, despite the tranquillizers. When she left her bungalow in the morning, she barricaded herself behind her sunglasses and mental shields. She wanted to close the door on last night as tightly as possible and never open it again. She
wouldn
’
t look back. She
wouldn
’
t repeat her mistake from the past.

             
Vance stepped into her direction, leaving her no time to hide.

             
“Alison,” he started, but was cut off.

             
“Vance, leave it alone
. I thank you for the wonderful di
n
ner invitation. Everything else,” She took a deep breath, “- does not exist.”