Heart's Duo (Ugly Eternity #4) (11 page)

Maddox turned his head at Joss’ approach. Oddly, he didn’t seem surprised to see him, but neither did he appear welcoming. He looked tired and so damn sexy. It was ridiculous how badly Joss wanted to touch him if only for a second. The man possessed the most amazing soft brown eyes Joss had ever seen. They’d always been his undoing.

“What are you doing here?” There wasn’t an ounce of emotion in Maddox’s voice. Joss tried not to take it to heart since he’d expected hatred. He slid into the empty chair next to Maddox, preparing for a cramped back and stiff knees. Hospitals never rushed anything.

“Your dad is sick. I’m your best friend. It’s my job to be here. Plus, it’s Christmas. Would you like me to go on?”

“We’re not friends. You’re absolved of all duties or guilt whatever this is.”

Maddox refused to look at him. It hurt. He couldn’t lie to himself. “Nope. It doesn’t work that way.”

“I’d get up and walk away all pissy like if I wasn’t almost eighty percent sure my body has permanently conformed to this god-awful chair. Why don’t you do me a real favor and storm off on my behalf?”

“I get you’re pissed at me.”

“Really?” Maddox snorted. “I don’t think you do.”

“Oh, I get it. I didn’t realize Hawke was under the impression we were living together until Sophie confessed to having told him as much over dinner. That tiny detail made a bad situation a whole lot worse, so yeah, I totally understand your anger.”

“Do you think that changes anything?” Maddox asked, not bothering to hide his bitterness. “Sophie merely fanned the flames of what you began. The damage was already done. Her part doesn’t lessen yours. So you know, go the fuck away. I don’t need this shit right now.”

The hatred in Maddox’s voice caused something inside Joss to snap. Damn, he knew it was a bad time, but he couldn’t stop. Chances were good they had some time to kill and Maddox would probably never speak to him again. They would do this and Maddox would accept his friendship during his time of need whether he wanted it or not. It wouldn’t happen until they were one hundred percent honest with each other and themselves. “What about you, Maddox? You weren’t innocent. You could’ve blocked my number. Hell, you could’ve fired me from the band at any time. There was nothing keeping you from walking away from me, but you didn’t.”

As if Joss’ fury set him free, Maddox didn’t hesitate firing back. “You were my best friend. Goddamn, Joss. Since we were fifteen, it’s been us. You were there when my daughter was born. In the hospital, you were one of the first people to hold her. We’ve stayed up late together, walked the floors together when she was sick. There’s nothing we haven’t been though together. We’ve fought. Made love.” Maddox shook his head as if there were no words. Joss knew. There wasn’t. “At first, I couldn’t figure out why you were doing it, but I knew if there was something going on with you, I couldn’t turn my back. You were my best friend,” he repeated, drawing out every word and shoving the knife deeper in Joss’ heart. Maddox didn’t need to explain what that meant. It meant, even when it cost him everything, Maddox had stuck by his side. Now, it was Joss’ turn. He would fix what he could.

“I needed to know,” he said, unable to find a better place to start. “He loved you, but you didn’t have to fight for him anywhere near as hard as he had to fight for you. I had to know. Things were moving so fast and Addison was right there in the middle. You’re right. I was there. I walked the floor with you. I held her in the hospital. You wanted Hawke, but you didn’t fight until he walked away, I had to know you’d stay and fight the way he did for you.”

“That’s fucking ridiculous.” Maddox sounded as tired as Joss felt.

“I know it is because—for the most part—it’s a complete lie. It’s the one I told myself and the one I told Sophie every step of the way, but it’s bullshit.”

Maddox shook his head, looking lost. “I’ll never understand you.”

“That’s my whole point. You don’t get it. The house you were raised in was normal. You had two parents and a regular childhood in every way. When you grew up, you moved out, free to live openly as you pleased because you already knew what it was like to be a regular, every day person. I’ve never had that. All I’ve ever had was Jamie and I’ve always been barely hanging on to him. When I realized he felt too much for Hawke, all I could think about was if he craved being with Hawke anywhere near as badly as I wanted to be normal, then he had to have him.”

“So you had to choose a side, and you chose blood. I get that. You’ve said you’re piece. Let’s not talk again.” Maddox stood, ready to leave him behind. Joss couldn’t have that. He hadn’t said what he came to say. Not by a longshot.

“No. You’re not hearing me, Maddox. I didn’t have to choose a side. Jamie was fine. Hawke was happy with you before I stepped in, and that’s all Jamie ever wanted for him. It was me who wasn’t okay.” His desperation must’ve called to Maddox on some level. He sat. Joss took it as a good sign, but he also recognized it wouldn’t last for long if he didn’t man up and admit everything. “When I met Sophie, I thought she was the answer to everything.” Joss snorted, incapable of stopping the sound. “She’s pretty amazing—classy and kinky as fuck. For the first time in my life, I saw that ordinary life I’d always dreamed of having right there within my reach. I could have a family of my own. We’d do family-type shit. In my head, it was beautiful. We’d have awesome kids and make everyone jealous. All the while, she’d be doing whatever I could dream up in the bedroom. The perfect existence.” Joss stared at the wall, picturing the life he described. “It was exactly the way I fantasized it would be my entire life, except with Sophie, I finally had a face to go along with it. She fit everything to perfection. Something kept holding me back.”

“You’ve lived a pretty debauched life for someone who craves normalcy.”

A wry smile pulled at the corners of Joss’ mouth. Joss couldn’t call Maddox a liar. He had indulged in more than his fair share of wild times. “In private I’ve always done as I please. There’s no one there telling me I’m going to hell or judging me. Publicly, I’ve always been fine with hanging in the background and looking exactly like someone else in the world. Being an identical twin is proof I belong somewhere and to someone. I was so busy searching my head for the perfect place to exist, I ignored my soul. It was screaming. There was so much rage in my heart, and I couldn’t figure out why. I was hurting you and pushing you, and I couldn’t stop. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t quit you. I ignored the ache in the center of my chest. The one trying to tell me everything I already knew. It didn’t matter if I thought I needed to have a normal life.” Joss turned his head and found Maddox watching him. For the first time in forever, there was no hatred in the man’s eyes. It broke him. “My soul wants you. From the moment we met all those years ago, it has never stopped needing to be with you.”

As the words left his lips, Joss’ eyes fell closed and he let his head fall back against the wall behind him. The dreams he’d held onto his entire life melted away, replaced by the image of Maddox and Addison. Years ago, they’d shared a more-secret-than-not relationship. It had eventually dwindled away because of Joss’ inability to see himself with another man for the rest of his life. Their friendship remained intact. It was something they rarely mentioned. He’d never truly shown a preference in his bed. In his head, that was another matter. Now, everything was black. There was nothing but an inky dark void of nothingness, filling every space when he tried to picture his future. It didn’t matter what he’d once thought he wanted or what he actually craved. He’d taken a huge rock and smashed his entire life to tiny pieces. There was no getting it back now.

For now, he needed to push it aside. That wasn’t why he was here. Drawing on some inner strength even Joss hadn’t known he had left, he focused on Maddox once more. He appeared more confused than anything. Since it was better than hatred, Joss accepted any reprieve he could get. “Anyhow, it doesn’t matter. Not really. I’m the bastard who fucked up your life, but whether you like or not, I am your friend. You need help, and I’m here, so go home. Grab a couple hours of sleep and something to eat. If anything changes with your dad, I’ll let you know immediately. Now, go away.” Joss finished his speech by crossing his arms over his chest and settling into his chair, using his body language to let Maddox know how serious he was. If Maddox wanted to move away from him or leave, it wouldn’t impact him in the least. He was there to stay.

“I already have someone on their way to give me a break.”

Maddox sounded a bit numb, making it impossible for him to tell if it was a lie. “Well now you have two people here, so go away.”

“I don’t need two people. You go away.”

In spite of everything, Joss couldn’t help but to smile. Maddox’s childish tone gave him hope. He didn’t know why, but there it was. “No.”

“Should I go away then?” Finn asked, appearing at their side and damn near making Joss jump out of his skin.

“No,” Maddox said at the same time as Joss said, “Yes.”

Ignoring Joss, Maddox stood, wincing with every motion and giving up his seat to Finn. “I appreciate this. Seriously.”

Finn gave him a quick pat on the shoulder before claiming his empty seat. “Think nothing of it. What are friends for?”

Maddox focused on Joss for a second at Finn’s words before glancing away. “Still, you didn’t have to take time out and I won’t forget it. I’ll be back in an hour. Text me if you need me sooner or if anything changes.” With Finn’s nod of agreement, Maddox walked away without bothering with Joss in any way. That was cool. He could take it. Unfortunately, with Maddox gone and the silence growing between him and Finn, the chair he was sitting in became even more uncomfortable. Joss tried focusing on the TV hanging in the corner. It was muted, but there was a strip of world news rolling across the bottom of the screen. He spent a few minutes pretending to read it, and then another actually doing so. When he’d exhausted that pointless exercise, Joss switched his attention to the room, noting everyone in it. There were only four other people in the waiting room—a middle-aged couple who looked as bored as him, an elderly woman in a wheelchair who could’ve been asleep or dead, he wasn’t sure, and a pregnant lady who looked scared.

He really hated hospitals. Joss shifted in his seat, growing more uncomfortable by the minute. Why was Finn there? If Cade or Dylan had shown, Joss could understand, but Finn? He glanced over, eyeing the man in question. It was almost funny. Joss had known the dude for a couple of years. He played cello for a local rock band. Jamie dragged him to a few shows back before marrying Hawke. It was actually pretty awesome. Before Finn, Joss had never seen anyone rock out a cello before. If anyone had told Joss he would enjoy it, he would’ve laughed his ass off, but the dude had serious skills. In all the time Joss had known him, he’d never really looked at the guy, not even when he’d been more than half naked at Cade’s and Dylan’s wedding reception. Of course, Joss’ attention had been locked on Sophie at the time, but still.

Finn turned his head, catching Joss staring. He smirked. His light-blue eyes flashed with humor. Oh, fuck no. He saw it. The man was almost sickeningly hot. How had he missed that? He was here for Maddox. Well goddamn. Joss looked away, going back to staring sightlessly at the TV. Wasn’t that the way of things for him? Finally, after all this time and all the bullshit, he’d been honest with Maddox and here was this guy. Fuck. His chest hurt. At least he was already at the hospital. When his heart failed, they could wheel him on back. Joss drew a slow breath in through his nose, attempting to stave off the pain. He deserved this. Fuck that. He was going to kill the man next to him. Another point in the hospital’s favor. It didn’t even matter that Finn had done nothing wrong. Joss was going do him physical harm. A low chuckle rumbled from the back of Finn’s throat. Oh yeah, that was it. Even Finn’s laughter was sexy, and for that reason alone, the man had to die.

“We’re only friends, you know?” Joss didn’t bother looking Finn’s way even with his claim hanging between them. “Just thought you might like to know that.” Joss finally glanced over, incapable of ignoring Finn a second longer. This time he noticed even more details about the man. He had amazing lips and a smattering of freckles across his nose. Finn was the perfect mixture of sexual and innocent. Joss didn’t stand a chance.

Joss kicked his voice into gear. “Why would you think that?”

Finn laughed again at Joss’ question. Turning his attention to the TV, Finn crossed his arms over his chest and his feet at the ankles, obviously settling in for a long stay. It was more than obvious Finn didn’t have any intention of answering him. Giving up, Joss focused on the opposite wall. When Finn’s question came, Joss would’ve liked to have claimed he was surprised, but he wasn’t. “Does he know you’re in love with him?”

“No offense, but I really don’t want to talk to you about this.”

He saw Finn shrug out of the corner of his eye. “We’re not friends. Got it.”

Joss blew out a sigh. It seemed he would be everyone’s favorite asshole today. “He hates me so it doesn’t really matter how I feel.”

“Better hatred than indifference,” Finn said, somehow making Joss feel worse. “Trust me, indifference is a bitch you can’t overcome. That’s when you know they’re finished with you. He’s not finished with you, not yet anyhow.” Finn’s observation sounded more ominous than hopeful. Fantastic. “You know what? It’s ridiculous for both of us to be here. I think I’m going to let you be the hero and fall on this bullet.”

“Are you sure? I can’t imagine Maddox thanking you for that.”

Finn pushed from his chair. “He’ll get over it. I’m sure.” Without another word, he left Joss alone. With Maddox’s current mood, it was possible he wouldn’t talk to Finn again after leaving Joss behind. Either way, with nothing to distract him other than his bleak thoughts, it didn’t take long for Joss’ back to cry foul, but Joss hung in there. By the time Maddox returned two hours later, freshly shaven and wearing different clothes, Joss had gone numb from the waist down. To Joss’ surprise, Maddox claimed the seat next to him rather than choosing to sit elsewhere.