Hell Bent (Rock Bottom #1) (27 page)

You have absolutely no idea how proud of you I am. Just thinking about everything you’re going to do in your life makes me proud of you. Every day I watch you get a little bigger, and I know I have a little less time with you; I’m not handling that very well right now. I disappear a little more, not because I want to miss out on that time with you, but because I don’t want you to see me fall apart. I want you to remember me as the strong Dad that was always there, always happy. I want you to remember the guy that scared the monsters away when you had bad dreams, not the guy that has trouble getting out of bed most days. I want to be your hero, not your heartache.

I sob when my father breaks into tears on the screen. I hate that I don’t get a chance to tell him that he will always be my hero. Bennett’s arms surround me, pulling me back against him, making me cry harder; for a second I forget that there is an issue between us at all.

I hate myself a little more every day knowing I’m not going to be there for all the big moments in your life. I’m not there to meet your child, who is probably the most gorgeous thing on the planet, next to you, of course. Personally, I don’t think could be anything more perfect than you. I won’t be there to walk you down the aisle, which if you’re anything like the rest of your family, hasn’t happened yet. But don’t worry, it will, as long as you let someone in.

You’re going to be the best mother, Izzy. You’re going to be the best because you had the best raising you. You had Abby, and you had Tuesday, and I’m sure by now you have a few more amazing women in your life because sooner or later someone is going to break open Jason and AJ’s heart and make them fall in love.

But even the best parents make mistakes sometimes. Remember that. Remember it and learn from it. Shit happens, baby. It’s part of being a parent. It’s messy, and it’s stressful and exhausting at times, but it is the most amazing thing in the world.

I know this video isn’t as long as most of the other ones, but I’m falling asleep right here and want to spend some more time with you today, so I’m going to cut it short but I’ll leave you with this. I love you. No matter what you do or who you become in life. Be the best mother you can. Be the best person you can. Kiss my grandbaby for me and remember that I’m always here.

I love you, my beautiful girl.

I tighten my grip around Izzy and let her cry it out on my chest. Pulling her up the bed, I rest back against the pillows and stroke my fingers along her spine. I’ve never been so afraid that I was losing someone that I could barely breathe, but right this second I’m struggling to get any air at all in my lungs.

Her cries kill me, but I don’t dare to say anything because I’m afraid that she’ll pull away from me again, and I don’t want to stop touching her. So I let her cry. I let her soak the front of my shirt with tears and cling to me because she’s scared. At some point she hitches her leg over my hip, pulling me closer to her than I’ve been in days, and her breathing begins to even out. I know that she’s asleep because she’s exhausted, but a small part of me hopes that she’s asleep like
this
because she needs me.

A guy can hope, anyway.

I can hear Abby talking to Dalton in the other room. Knowing that he’s safe, that nothing is going to happen because the woman that kept the love of my life safe growing up will keep my son safe while I hold my girl, eases my mind, and I let myself close my eyes.

Izzy shifts in my arms, carefully trying to remove herself from my tight grip without waking me, but it doesn’t work. Cracking my eyes, I find her peeking at me; the second she notices I’m looking, she looks away. I’m afraid she’s going to panic because she fell asleep, and I can see it starting in her eyes until we hear Abby telling the baby stories through the wall.

“I need to get something to eat and feed the baby.”

She’s back to being distant, making me wish I could make her fall back asleep so I could hold her again. Knowing full well that trying to keep her here will only make things worse, I loosen my grip and let her go. A few minutes after Izzy disappears into Dalton’s room to check on him quickly, she makes her way downstairs. As soon as Izzy is downstairs, Abby creeps out the door with Dalton sleeping in her arms and comes looking for me.

I meet her eyes and sigh. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to fall asleep, I just couldn’t let go.”

“I don’t mind.” Turning to look down the hall, she asks, “Did she sleep at all?”

“Yeah, a bit. She cried herself to sleep after that video, and I didn’t dare to wake her up.”

“I actually would’ve been upset with you if you woke her up. She hasn’t slept in days, neither have you, and you both needed it.”

“I don’t know what to do, Abby. I don’t know how to make things better when she hates me so much that she won’t even look at me.”

She reaches for her back pocket while shaking her head. “I don’t know how to fix what happened between you two, but I do know she doesn’t hate you. She’s upset with herself for what happened and what she said to you was said while she was overly-emotional.” Pulling a disk that looks like the ones that Izzy has, she passes it to me. “I wouldn’t be giving you this if I didn’t believe that you could work everything out.”

She gives me back a little hope and then turns around to bring the baby back to his room before Izzy comes back upstairs.

I chuckle at the note and slip the disk into the DVD player. Making sure the door is closed so I don’t wake the baby, I drop down on the edge of the bed. I’m completely exhausted but know I won’t be sleeping again any time soon. I don’t mind. I’d never close my eyes again if it meant that I could stare at Izzy and Dalton the entire time. I’m scared to blink, afraid that I’m going to miss something. From here I can hear Izzy moving around downstairs, singing softly while she makes herself something to eat. I’ll never tire of hearing that sound, and hearing it right now gives me hope that we might be able to fix whatever broke between us yesterday. 

I’ll have to remember to do something for Abby for all her help because I know that Izzy wouldn’t be doing what she is after everything that happened without her help.

Pressing play, I set the remote down on the mattress. The screen fills with his face, and I’m shocked by how bad he looks; sunken in features and all, he still looks like Izzy. Through exhausted eyes, he glares at me. I know that this is a fucking recording and it’s over ten years old, but shit, it’s like he’s staring into my fucking soul. Now I know who Izzy learned it from. For the longest time he does nothing—he just stares. The only movement he makes besides his chest rising from his labored breathing is a deliberate shake of his head every now and then. He’s judging me. He didn’t even meet me, but I feel like he’s judging me. I’m close to shutting the video off, thinking that it’s the only thing he’s going to do, when he begins to speak. Honestly, the stare was intimidating enough. He didn’t need to say anything; that said it all without words.

I don’t know who you are, but if you were lucky enough to be handed this disk you must be pretty fuckin’ special to my daughter. I know I’m not there to give you this speech in person, but don’t think that will stop you from being killed if you hurt my baby. AJ, Jason, Jameson, and Abby, all have express permission and detailed instructions on how to get rid of you if you hurt her. Understood? Say yes sir.

“Yes, Sir,” I mutter, nodding along when he stops talking and goes back to glaring at me.
Fucking hell, it’s a video, you asshole. He can’t tell if you’re actually doing it or not.
Shaking off the feeling that he can really see me, I turn my attention back to what he is saying.

Good. Now let me tell you a few things. Falling in love is easy, especially with my daughter. She has a unique way of wrapping people around her finger without even trying. I’m not sure she even knows she’s doing it most of the time. It starts out as her simply wanting to be friends with everyone, but it doesn’t take long before people love her. Like I said, falling in love is easy. So fuckin’ easy. It’s staying there that’s a bitch, believe me. She’s going to push you away, it’s inevitable. It’s a family trait to push away people that love us. We’re good at keeping people at arm’s length despite how much we really want to keep them close.

She’ll push you away to keep from herself getting hurt. She’ll make up reasons for why things won’t work out and pick stupid fights with you over the dumbest shit. She’ll hurt you when she’s hurting. But don’t make the mistake of thinking she doesn’t love you when she does that shit. It’s when she stops doing those things that you should start worrying. If you can still get a rise out of her, you still have her. If she watches you when you aren’t looking, but turns away when you look back, she’s yours.

Don’t take her for granted. She loves hard and hurts easily. Push her to do anything she wants and stand by her side when she does it.

Pausing, he drops his gaze, and I can just barely make out the edges of a photo. Using the side of his hand, he wipes away the tears dripping off the end of his nose.

She has trouble apologizing, but never think that she’s not sorry. Don’t hate her for that and if you ever actually get the words “I’m sorry” to come out of her mouth, she’s probably done and tired of grasping at straws to keep you. If she brings you a peanut butter sandwich with the crust cut off, that’s your apology. It’s a peace offering and you better fuckin’ accept that sandwich. She’s done it since the second she could realize when she upset someone and could reach the bread box. Don’t ask why, it’s the weirdest thing, but it’s
her
thing.

But love her, and let her love you. Don’t fight it. Take care of her heart, keep that part safe because that’s the hardest thing to get into and the easiest thing to get closed off from.

I don’t know how much she’ll change between now and when you meet her, but I can almost guarantee that the things I just told you will stay the same. So, I’ll leave you to love my daughter, and boy, you better fuckin’ do it right because even though I’m not there physically, I’m always going to protect her. You’ll be fine as long as you remember that and the fact that we know a lot of places to hide a body and you’ll only be missed for a little while.

With wide eyes I stare at the screen as it goes blank. Gone for almost twelve years, I’ve never met the man, and he scares the fucking shit out of me. The door opens slowly, and a sheepish-looking Izzy appears on the other side of it. I tip my head, silently inviting her to join me. She bites her lip and pushes the door open, revealing that she’s holding a plate in her other hand. I can’t take my eyes off the plate with the crustless peanut butter sandwich as she climbs onto the bed and sits cross-legged. Alex’s words play through my head again.

“I figured you might be hungry too.”

“Is this peanut butter?” I look up at her, and even though she’s trying to mask it, I can tell how scared she is.

Her face falls. “I can make you something different if you don’t want this.”

Izzy reaches for the plate, but I pull it out of the way. There’s no way she’s getting this sandwich back now that I know what it means. I didn’t realize it until he said it, but every time we argue, even over small, stupid shit, she makes me one.