Authors: Eve Langlais
“Hello?” Adexios queried. “Lucifer?”
“Oh yeah, that’s it, there’s the spot.” Lucifer moaned.
Had his boss butt answered?
Adexios held the phone away from his ear as the moans continued. Should he hang up?
And look like a weakling?
Never. “Hey, boss. Am I calling at a bad time?”
“Nope. Oh, oh don’t stop.”
“Maybe I should call back later. You sound
occupied.”
The moaning stopped as Lucifer laughed. “Such a prude. What’s wrong, boy? You think I’m getting head?”
“Of course not. I would never think such a thing.” Because thinking of his boss getting some was like thinking about the fact that his parents had done it once—and once only—to conceive him. Gross.
“Are you saying I’m too old to get head?” Lucifer growled.
“Never.”
“I like head.”
“I’m sure you do. You know what? I think I’m needed elsewhere.” He glanced at Valaska for help, but she just smirked.
“I can still talk to you even if I’m getting a BJ you know. I’m a great multitasker.”
“I’m sure you are.”
“But alas, I’m not getting head.”
“Of course you aren’t,” Adexios hastily agreed.
“Are you implying Gaia doesn’t take care of me like a proper girlfriend should?”
Why was this conversation constantly derailing? He’d just called to report. “I would never think that.”
“She does, you know. Why, she took care of me just last night, right before I took care of her. That cyclone off the coast of South America, my fault. When the master of lies applies his tongue, she gushes.” Lucifer chuckled, and Adexios closed his eyes and wished he’d never called. “So what did you want, anyhow? Have you already finished counting my minions?”
“Of course not. We haven’t even started.”
“Slacker! No wonder I like you so much.”
“You know what, I think I misdialed.”
“Are you trying to hang up on me, boy?” Lucifer’s voice turned low and ominous.
“No.”
“Liar. Your parents must be so proud. So have you had any luck tracking down any wily demon bastards?”
“That’s part of the reason I’m calling. We haven’t found any yet. Well, actually we did find one, but he’s dead now.”
“What do you mean dead? I didn’t send you out there to kill my recruits. Did I? I know I sent someone to kill something. I think.”
Adexios rubbed his forehead. Sometimes talking with Lucifer took patience to a whole new level. “We didn’t kill the fire imp. He died of something weird that got him in the wilds.”
“Duh. What did you expect? You’re in untamed territory.”
“I know, but when I say weird, I am talking deadly-to-demons shit. There is something seriously wrong with the wilds.”
“Found those salt water puddles have you?”
For a moment Adexios just stood blinking as he processed Lucifer’s words. “You knew about them?”
“Of course I did. My hunters reported them a few weeks back when they started appearing.”
“And you never thought to inform us before we went on this stupid mission?”
“Did I forget? My bad. I’ll have to reward myself later. How are those puddles doing anyhow?”
“I don’t know what your hunters told you, but they are bad news. Real bad news. They’re killing things out here.”
“You mean they’re violent?”
“No! As in the high salt content is destroying the ecosystem. Not to mention that, since we’ve encountered them, we’ve yet to see anything alive.”
“Well, that’s not good. We can’t have that. My hunters need their prey. I need trophies. And swamp beast rugs. Change in mission, Adexios. I hereby order you and that Amazon broad to discover the cause behind the salt-water incursion in the wild. And by the way, if during your search you happen to come across say some kind of demi god or evil force from another dimension, let me know, would you?”
Before Adexios could ask for elaboration, Lucifer hung up.
“That wily bastard,” he said in a low voice.
“What’s wrong, Dex?”
Wrong. Lots of things, which he should have suspected from the moment Lucifer sent them on this inane mission. “Lucifer didn’t send us out here to find demons to recruit. He sent us to find whatever was unleashed when that interdimensional rip opened above the Darkling Sea a while back.”
“You mean he hid our true task behind a fake one that is even more dangerous?”
“Yes!” he said, unable to hide his irritation.
“Awesome.”
He glared at her beaming face, but it wasn’t a glare that held much vehemence, although he did feel a lot of heat. Most of it carnal because, damn, was she gorgeous when she grinned. It made a man want to kiss those lips.
As if she’d let him. A woman like her probably dated big, burly men, not skinny nerds.
“Your enthusiasm is troubling. We are embarking on a quest for the unknown. It could cost us our lives.”
Valaska twirled her sword as she answered with gusto, “Gain us glory.”
“Torture us in painful, unimaginable ways.”
A jab of her blade. “Test our skills.”
“Is there anything I can say that will deter you?”
“Nope.” She popped the p as she said it.
“Then I guess we’re going exploring.” Which he’d been keen on earlier in the day, but now, knowing he was part of a truly devious and satanic plot? Yeah, he’d rather watch the reality show version from his comfy chair with a bowl of popcorn.
“We won’t get any more exploring done tonight,” she said as she eyed the shadows creeping in around them. “Unless you’ve got a flamethrower in that knapsack of yours, it’s time we made camp and got some shuteye.”
Actually, he had the makings of a flamethrower, but he didn’t let her know. Stumbling around in the dark was never a good idea.
With the decision to stop for the night made, Valaska tossed her pack on the ground, unsheathed her sword, and placed it alongside. She then lay down on the lumpy dirt, head pillowed on her bag, one hand on the hilt of her weapon and other hand holding her knife, which she slashed at a bug, the size of a fat cat, that hummed too close.
Would you look at that? Not everything had died yet. Perhaps there was still hope. For the wilds at least. He did have to wonder about Valaska though. She truly was nuts.
“This is the life,” she said with a happy sigh as she stabbed the wing of yet another bloodsucker that buzzed in close. “Toss down your pack and join me, Dex.”
“Uh, no thank you.”
Placing his backpack on the ground, Adexios rummaged within, very aware of the fact that Valaska stared at him. His hands closed around the square object he’d paid dearly for—Nefertiti, the dark lord’s most powerful sorceress, drove a hard bargain. Doing her taxes for the next decade would suck considering her waist-high pile of receipts for questionable esoteric and erotic goods. But the hours of work were worth it considering what he’d gotten in return.
From his knapsack, he retrieved a small wooden cube. Seamless but carved with symbols on five of its six faces. On the sixth side, a red X. He pressed it with his thumb and stepped back.
Magic was a wondrous thing. It took the laws of science and said, fuck them. Literally. Items that should weigh a few tons, or take a ridiculous amount of room, could, with the right spell, find themselves compressed into a tiny block that fit in the palm of his hand and weighed no more than an apple.
A tiny block that grew when activated.
“Is that a freaking cabin?” Valaska jumped to her feet and ogled as his must-have camping item expanded to its full size.
“Yes, it’s a cabin, with plumbing I might add,” which was why Adexios was doing taxes for a decade instead of a few years. However, the prospect of not getting his dick nipped by some kind of parasitic bug was well worth the extra price.
A pity Valaska didn’t seem impressed with his expensive camping item. “This is a quest. We’re expected to rough it.”
A cool breeze, hinting of ocean waves, dark cold depths, and seaweed touches ruffled their hair and clothes.
As that damned soul Willy would say, especially after a few grogs,
Something wicked this way comes.
“Yeah, if you want to sleep on the hard ground, with one eye open all night, getting eaten”—
I’ll eat you—
“pricked”—
I’d prick her—
“and possibly carried off by the insect population, then be my guest. I, for one, am sleeping in a bed, surrounded by four solid, swamp-monster-proof walls. You can join me if you’d like.” And by join, he didn’t mean in bed.
Okay, so he lied.
You’re welcome, boss
. A part of him did kind of hope she’d wind up in his bed, wearing nothing but him. Adexios would keep her warm. And flushed. And sweaty…
Mental slap.
Get your mind out of the gutter.
Time to get inside before his blood-filled boner attracted the wrong sort of sucking.
“Come on. Let’s check the place out.”
Entering via the solid wood front door, that on the inside sported a heavy wooden bar for keeping things out, Adexios was struck by the simple elegance of the cabin. In many ways, it was nicer than his apartment by the wharf. Made of imported cedar wood logs on the outside, the inside continued the wooden theme with the wide plank floors.
A stone fireplace adorned one wall, a small kitchen area consisting of a stone counter and a sink spanned another. In the far corner was a closed area, the washroom facilities. Other than that, there was a couch, a big comfy chair, a small table with a pair of stools, and a great big bed.
“Dibs on the washroom.” And to those who would chastise him for not offering it to the lady first? Please note he was a firm supporter of woman’s lib, and that meant treating her like he would a man. He would never tell another man to use it first. Women could thank him later for his progressive and modern acceptance of women’s rights. First, he had to pee.
Dropping his bag on the table, Adexios made a beeline for the bathroom. When he emerged freshly washed and dressed in the terry robe he’d found hanging on the door, he discovered Valaska hadn’t followed him into the cabin.
“Don’t tell me that crazy Amazon stayed outside.” He stalked over to the bulletproof, Plexiglas window and peered outside. Sure enough, there was his companion, swinging her sword at a massive, multi-legged flying critter sporting a stinger on its ass that would definitely leave a mark.
He might have left her to it seeing as how she was laughing as she swung. However, given his ears could discern a hum that rose in pitch, her mutant wasp adversary was about to be joined by a squadron of friends.
Even she couldn’t fight those kinds of odds.
Jabbing his hand into this bag, he removed a small aerosol can before stepping outside. Making sure to remain clear of her whistling sword swings, and the gush of bug juice as she sliced off limbs, he raised his tiny can and spritzed.
Bzzz. Brzr.
Thump
.
The oversized insect hit the ground, twitched once, twice, and then was still.
“Ah. What did you do that for? I was just getting warmed up,” she whined.
“We’re about to have company. So unless you’re into extreme acupuncture, I might suggest we adjourn to the safety of the cabin.”
“Or we could stay and battle, me wielding my mighty blade and you, your, um, fearsome spray bottle.”
“Don’t mock the strength and killing ability of Lucifer’s cologne.”
“Whatever it is, it’s effective. Stay and use it against the forces of swarmhood.”
“I’ve got hot water inside, and cocoa.”
Valaska gnawed her lip, so he added, “Did I forget to mention I also have fluffy marshmallows?”
“You play dirty, Dex,” she said with a sigh. “Fine. We’ll go inside.” She followed him to safety—dragging her feet the entire way and casting a longing look in the direction of the almost deafening hum of wings approaching.
They’d no sooner closed the door than there was a thump. Then another.
“And this is why I hate camping,” he grumbled. “Damned bugs. Hold on, if I remember the cabin’s manual correctly—”
“You read the manual?”
“Of course I did. How else was I to learn of all the features it came with?”
“Experimentation. It’s how I like to gain my
experience
.”
A shudder went through him as she practically purred the word.
“Anyone ever tell you that you’re a flirt?”
“Who’s flirting? I’m just saying it like it is. Anytime you need proof, Dex, you let me know.”
How about now?
Thump
.
Thump
.
The insect invasion prevented him from saying what his dick was thinking. Instead, he located the switch with the tiny lightning bolt over it by the front door. A simple flick and he felt his skin tingle as the energy force field came to life around the house.