Madison watched the brunette select a couple of rocks before skipping them across the pond.
“I think you should know I’m not good with girl talk, Zoe.”
Her father’s psychotic religious tendencies made it hard to have friends. He wouldn’t have allowed a non-Christian to enter his home and befriend his daughter. That might have involved corrupting her soul worse than he believed it already had been.
Zoe glanced at her before tossing another rock. “I’m not the typical girl.”
She watched the stone bounce three times before plunking beneath the surface of the water. “Yeah, I guess none of us are all that typical, huh?”
“You really won’t let me go with you, Madison?”
“No.”
Zoe rattled the rocks together and studied her a long moment. “Georgie won’t tell you this, but I think you need to know—”
“Wait.” Madison threw up her hand and realizing she still held the gun, she shoved her hand under her shirt and tucked it between the waistband of her pants and her spine. “Is this going to affect free will? Amos goes on and on about free will, and I’m really not in the mood to muck it up.”
“No, it won’t affect free will.” Zoe smiled. “There’s that edge again.”
“I’m no different than the woman I was a month ago when you saw me last.” The only difference from then to now was that in less than twenty-four hours, she would lead a suicide mission into Hell. “I just don’t have time for the bullshit, Zoe. And I’m sick and tired of sitting back and getting screwed while demons and fallen angels run the show.”
“That attitude’s not different how?” Zoe elevated her brows and skipped another rock. “Yeah, you didn’t run from the demonic baddies before, but you didn’t take the reins and go after the motherfuckers either.”
“So?”
“You’re staging an infiltration behind enemy lines and you’re going to attempt to hit them where it hurts. You can’t see how that is different than before?”
Madison concentrated on the pond. The ducks quacked, disturbed by Zoe’s rock-bombs, and created a chain of feathers on the surface as they hightailed it to safety. “I’ve always known it would come down to a final fight between Micah and me. I didn’t think it would play out this way and I’d feel a lot more confident if it were on my territory instead of his. But no, I don’t see what I’m doing as anything different than before.”
“I think we all somehow knew you’d have to make a stand against Micah. But this goes beyond Micah, doesn’t it?”
“He used my friends against me, Zoe. I can’t allow that without retaliation.” She took a deep breath and prepared to share what she hadn’t told any of the Birminghams. “Micah used that deal to drag me out of hiding.”
Zoe whistled through her teeth. “I didn’t know. Your husband, he’s scary, by the way.”
“Yes, he is.” Even more so after she’d responded to his kiss in the Sherlock bar and her demon skating below the surface didn’t help. “That’s not all that scares me. I’m terrified I won’t save Nix, and afraid Alessa will die in the mission.”
And almost certain Micah will claim victory over me
. She just didn’t have the courage to utter the last sentence for fear of jinxing herself.
“You have anyone you confess secrets to?”
What an odd question. She studied Zoe’s aura. A spiked jazziness danced along the edges of it. Was she excited about something? “Is there something you want me to confess?”
“Not unless you want to confess it.”
“I think I mentioned I’m not good at girl talk, so thanks, but I’m good.”
Zoe shrugged. “Your sins are your own.”
Madison laughed and realized the other woman had begun to perspire in the heat. “It’s hot out here.” Not really, but to the average mortal it would be uncomfortable. “You want to go back in?”
“In a minute.” She threw the rocks. They scattered midair and hit the water in unison. The remainder of the ducks squawked in protest. “Georgie sees two different outcomes. Either way, Nix comes through first, distraught and furious. She says he’ll need us all to calm him down.”
Madison expected Nix to come out first because she wouldn’t leave until he was safe. Distraught and furious, though? Maybe that had something to do with him being broken and not wanting to return.
“One version of the future, you return as well. The other version….” Zoe shuddered and hugged herself as if the temperature had suddenly dropped forty degrees.
“Hell on earth?” Madison watched her reaction closely.
Zoe nodded.
“If the second scenario happens, Zen will kill me.”
“I can’t imagine the bravery it takes to do what you’re about to do.”
“I’m not brave. I’m scared shitless and I don’t have a choice.”
Zoe chuckled. “Fighting in the face of scared shitless
is
brave, Madison.”
“Or just plain ole’ fate.”
“That, too.”
“I don’t want to tell James or Georgie this, but we had a run-in with Nix and Micah the other night.” Madison held up her hand when Zoe would’ve spoken. “Let me finish. You were right. He brought you and Gage back to life. According to Zen, he is Jesus’ offspring. The Ark of Heaven, and he’s too important not to save.”
Chapter Seventeen
Sleep deprived and running on autopilot, Madison contemplated the jigsaw. Putting puzzles together had become her routine every night for the past two months. It was an improvement over the pacing and the late-night television marathons she’d endured for the first two months after Nix’s descent into Hell. Puzzles were easy and she didn’t need to think to fit them back together, so it left her with lots of time to contemplate.
She’d promised to nap before the big dive into Hell later, but she couldn’t relax enough to fall asleep. She’d tried. The sudden appearance of the Birminghams disturbed her peace of mind. The certainty Georgie hid something important nagged at her. The woman always hid something, so no big surprise. But she’d practically gloated over her vague comment about Nix’s woman. Alessa was the obvious conclusion. Her cupid brain had already been shooting imaginary arrows into their hearts, but to kind of hear Georgie admit it left Madison a little…what? Crestfallen?
What was wrong with her? She wanted Nix to be happy. Feeling disheartened over Alessa being his woman was a clear sign of her failure as a friend. Not to mention it was wrong on so many levels. She’d never harbored romantic feelings for Nix, so—
Liar
, the devil inside her piped up.
Bigger fibber than that Pinocchio character you humans crafted
, Pandora projected a smug smile.
Nice to know you’re not so perfect, demon queen
.
Madison clenched a jigsaw piece between her fingers.
Remember when you masturbated in the bathtub with Nix as the inspiration
? It was so unfair Pandora had access to her memories.
Or the time you got all jealous when he was with that slut in South Beach
?“Your fault,” Madison whispered.
No, no, honey. At the time I didn’t want that man between my thighs.
My thighs
! Madison argued back, feeling more than a little schizophrenic with the mental conversation.
Semantics honey, since I’m inside you. With Phoenix’s newly discovered power, I’d take him over your Micah
.
Not
my
Micah
. Madison clenched her teeth.
I’d still sink my teeth into the fallen angel, of course, but Phoenix offers something the angel cannot. A delectable vintage of Messiah wine that we haven’t had the pleasure of sampling. We’ve already had the fallen angel, and I know how much you disliked it. But after that episode in the hotel, I have a feeling Phoenix Birmingham won’t disappoint.
Madison shoved her fingers into her hair and clamped her hands on either side of her head, pressing hard. If only she could eradicate the conversation from her mind. These manic discussions with Pandora were harder to suppress in the dead of the night, so why at noon was Madison having trouble stifling the sentient entity.
Life isn’t worth living without ingesting more power
, Pandora sneered.
Or sex. Lots and lots of sex.
“Shut up! Shut up!” Madison croaked out the plea. Her hand shook and she made a mad grab for a handful of gummy bears.
All that sugar will not shut me up
.
“You should sleep more.” Zen stepped up beside her and pulled a shaky hand from her head.
“I try.” She squinted up at him, but his charged aura pierced her vision like a beam of sunlight. “I just toss and turn.”
Pandora settled thanks to Zen, but not without a fight. Madison winced as a poker-hot spike streaked across her right temple.
Bastard
!
I hate you
! Pandora screamed as Zen muzzled her.
He’d be a cold fuck just like his brother
.
Madison gasped at the shocking words and Zen shot her a startled look. Horrified, she cringed inwardly because with Zen in her head taming Pandora, he could hear Pandora’s comments.
“You
know
that wasn’t me,” she said quickly. And what was that about a brother? Zen guarded his past like others safeguarded the skeletons in their closets, so she refrained from asking.
Zen grunted. “You have sentiments you cannot tuck away forever regarding Phoenix.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Zen.”
He dropped her hand and captured her chin between his finger and thumb, forcing her head back to meet his studious gaze. “You are going into Hell to pull Phoenix out so do not claim you feel nothing more than sisterly devotion. This is me you’re talking to and I know you.” He tapped on her head, a subtle reminder he knew all. “Pretend is for fools and you’ve never been one, so don’t make-believe you don’t love him. Not with me. You cannot hide the true depth of your emotions forever. Not from yourself and not from him. Things will change, must change, when this mission is over.”
Madison jerked her chin from his grasp and feigned more interest in the jigsaw than she felt. “I’ll be dead when this mission is over, so yeah, things will definitely change. Thankfully all
sentiments
will magically disappear.”
“You have the right to be bitter,” Zen said. “But it defeats the positive attitude you require to complete the mission. Especially since you refuse to recharge your succubus.”
“I’ll keep that in mind.” She so wished she could get him out of
her
mind.
“You don’t want to live with regrets, Madison.”
Regrets had plagued her since she’d been fifteen. No reason to stop them now. “Zen.” She glared at him and balled her hand into a fist, her nails stinging her palm. “When I need a psych analysis, I’ll come to you. Until then, shove the pep talk.”
“I fail to comprehend your stubbornness.”
She rolled her eyes. She’d heard this spiel before, but Zen refused to get that Nix needed something more than she could offer. He needed safe, secure, and uncomplicated—someone who liked sex would be good—none of which she could tender. All she could offer him was a one-way ticket to Hell-spawned troubles.
“Excuses. Every single thought is an excuse.” He shook his head. “You’re better than Phoenix deserves, Madison.”
“Last I understood it, Nix outranked me, and you’d toss me to Micah as a diversion to save him.” She gave him a hard glare, hoping it’d warn him off this particular topic. She should have known better.
“You go into Hell with your emotions seething like this, with Pandora mocking you freely, and you’re wide open to kingly conversion.”
“I know.” Madison rubbed her forehead and forced the fingernails out of the palm of her other hand.
“You refuse to take the sustenance you need.”
“Stow that particular argument, Zen.” She glared at him. “I won’t have sex with some random Joe-blow off the street. Not for Nix, not for anyone!” She had some morals. She would go down with them intact, and her head held high. “We both already know I tried ingesting your power, but my demon denied it, so
back off
!”
Not an hour ago, she’d tried taking power from him. She’d gotten a dose of it—barbed wire dragged across her skin wouldn’t have hurt so much. She’d welcome death before accepting more. It might tame the Pandora entity, but it tormented Madison’s demon.
“I fear for your return.”
“What do you want me to say to make you feel better, Zen? That my silly human emotions are all mixed up? Sure, I love Nix, but I’m not
in
love with him.”
A big difference between the two types of loves. Only fools fell in love. All it’d gotten her was a one-way ticket into the abyss.
Nix took liberties in the hotel room she shouldn’t have granted. Her mistake. One that wouldn’t be repeated even if she couldn’t bring herself to regret her actions. She should thank him; he’d shown her a different side of sex, one that gave pleasure rather than pain and humiliation.
“I don’t want Micah. I don’t love him, but I cannot guarantee I won’t fall to his whims in Hell. I cannot offer you any guarantees other than I’ll do my damndest to return.”
She’d been born for Hell and she would enter it of her own free will. She’d save Nix from his follies, and if by some miracle she came out of Hell, she, Amos, Petra, and Zen would hit the road again
without
Nix. Her life held no space for love or lust or even a mild crush. Alessa
was
his woman whether Madison liked it or not. What sane man wouldn’t choose a woman like Alessa over a mixed-up succubus whore?
“You’re not mixed-up, just stubborn. I think most men find that quality either attractive or a challenge.”
Madison snorted. “Such a redeeming trait, so I can understand why.”
“Just say you’ll think about what I said about Phoenix if you come out of Hell alive.”
She shrugged. “Sure.”
Not that it would change anything either way. She wanted Nix to be happy and Alessa would make him happy.
“If you need me, I’ll be meditating.”
“Okay.” Madison placed a puzzle piece into the design and popped a gummy bear in her mouth. As she chewed on the gooey candy, she fit several more pieces into the jigsaw. She didn’t watch Zen leave, but she felt his presence in the corner of the room, where the shadows were the darkest.