Her Russian Beast: 50 Loving States, New Mexico (21 page)

He stopped, the memory obviously too hard for him to relay in his already overtaxed English. With another hard swipe of his head, he told her, “No, I will not love you, Sirena. Or this baby. I can only try my best to be good husband and father. I can be nice man from now on. Act like father in movie. Nikolai says he will give me books to help me with this. That is why I brought you here, so you could see how hard I will work to not be man you ran away from in Germany. But that is all I have in me, all I have to give. And it will have to be enough for you.”

She regarded him. Her heart filling with sadness. For him. For her. “It will have to be enough…” she repeated.

“Yes, it will have to be enough,” he answered, eyes just as sad as hers.

She considered his words for a long time. The air between them colder than it had ever been. Even in Germany. And when she finally raised her eyes to meet his, the sneer on her face was even uglier than the one he regularly employed.

“So what you’re trying to tell me is you’re nothing like me. Because I’m
brave
and I’m
in love with you
, but you’re too scared to say it back.”

He looked away from her then back again. “I
cannot
say this to you. There is difference.”

“No, no…” she said with a disappointed lift of her shoulders. “There really isn’t, Bair.”

She let out a sharp expulsion of air. “Okay, I’m not even sure if that mediator you mentioned was an actual thing you really had lined up. But we’re not going to be needing him, because this is how we’re going to do this.”

Rubbing a hand over her swollen belly, she calmly informed him, “I’m going to go back to the guest house now to get a good night’s sleep. I need the rest, because tomorrow we’re going to put on a front for our families since it’s Christmas. But the day after Christmas, I’m taking a train back to Virginia with my mama, and knowing her, a whole pile of Agatha Christie novels. Then I’m going to go about my life, and you’re going to go about yours. And if you ever grow a pair, then you can come find me and our baby.”

Face hardening, the old Bair came back like a furious second act overture. “I will not let you go back to that tiny house with my child—”

“Yes you will,” she answered, meeting his angry gaze with one of her own, “because you know me and this baby deserve better than some guy who’s too scared to say ‘I love you.’”

A few more animal nose flares, as if Bair couldn’t process that this was happening. That she was actually leaving him, refusing to start a family with him because he refused to say three little words.

“How many years now? Twelve? And you are still being stupid, stupid girl!”

“And you’re still a stupid, stupid boy,” she said, taking his face in her hands. She pulled him down for a tender kiss. “God, I wish you could love me back. I love you so much, you stupid boy. I love you so, so much. You have no idea how bad you’re breaking my heart with this bullshit.”

He rested his forehead against hers, all heat and sadness and anger. “I give you
everything
,” he whispered. “Everything but these silly words. Why can’t that be enough?”

“Because love is the fucking basic setting for being a parent,” she answered. “Love is why me and my sister are here spending Christmas with Marian even after all the crazy shit she’s pulled on us throughout the years. I know you were raised hard. I know your life has been tough, but I can’t fix you. Only you can fix you. And I get that you’re trying, but you’re not trying hard enough if you can’t say the words.”

“What about money? This baby will need things. Things you can’t provide as cleaning lady.”

Thel let him go. She made herself let him go and look him in eye as she answered, “I’ve got my sister and my crazy mother and all sorts of support money just can’t buy. So keep your Rustanov empire dollars, I don’t want them. Me and this baby don’t need that. All we need is your love, so if you can’t give us that, you might as well do like my father and swim away forever. Because Sirena might not have known better, but Cancer done taught Thel, best believe. I deserve better than a man too scared to love me back. Our daughter deserves better than a father who refuses to say the words. Understand this, Beast, you might be strong and rich, but without love, you don’t got shit to offer us.”

With that, she turned and started walking away.

“Sirena—” he growled behind her.

“It’s Thel, goddamnit,” she called over her shoulder. “And the baby’s name is going to be Chrysanthemum, because she’ll be that damn awesome. So fuck you, scaredy-cat.”

As tough as those last words were, that was all the Real Thel had left in her. And though she could feel his eyes on her back, she didn’t dare to turn back and look at him, because she didn’t trust herself not to do something stupid if she did. Something like settle for a life with a man who was willing to try but not love.

But it was a close thing for sure. Lucky for her, he didn’t say anything else as she departed, forcing herself away from him and toward the life she planned to lead without him...

And he didn’t try to follow.

“
W
OMEN
, man. They’ll mess you up every time,” the middle-aged bartender said as he set a glass of vodka in front of Bair. The finest The Sit and Git, Drummond’s one bar, had to offer, but still cheaper than anything Bair had let pass through his lips in years.

Bair took a huge swallow anyway, and asked. “How do you know I am here because of woman?”

“Why else would a dude with a wedding band be in here on Christmas morning? You look just like me right before my second divorce. Believe me, the holidays can be hell on a marriage. You want me to get another one of those on deck for you, buddy?”

Bair nodded with one dip of his large head, and spent the next couple of hours tossing back vodkas. Trying to override the medication, and waiting for the Darkness to claim him.

But it never did. Nor did the usual desire to go out and lay his fists into someone return. Instead a strange, new emotion overtook him. One that felt like the after effects of getting punched hard in the chest. And it only got worst whenever he let himself think too hard about the things Sirena had said to him the night before.

He could not love her. That was what Sirena didn’t understand. He was obsessed with her. Had been from the start. He wanted her. More than any other women he’d ever met before or after her. He was willing to do almost anything for her, including raising a daughter who might be inflicted with the same tiger’s curse.

But love? No. It wasn’t something he was capable of. Possession, yes. Love, no. His character was too broken for that. His Darkness wouldn’t even know how to process such an emotion.

So he raised his hand for another vodka, hoping this would be the one that finally obliterated the image running on a loop inside his head. Her calling him a coward and walking out of his life. Taking their baby, the only one he’d ever have if his grandmother’s tiger curse story was to be believed, with her.

“Cancel that,” a clipped Russian voice said from behind him.

Bair sighed, before looking over his shoulder at Nikolai , standing there in sweats and a fleece with the name of his hockey team, The Indiana Polar, blazoned across its chest. “Good I’ve found you. You must come with me now.”

Bair dead-eyed his cousin. “I was raised Buddhist. I do not celebrate Christmas. My brother should not have sent you.”

“He did not send me, Boris, he helped me find you. We have been looking for you everywhere. Suro had to call in favors to track you down through your phone which you were not answering. You must come with me now, quickly.”

But Bair shook his head. “You can open presents without me.”

“No! Look at me, I am so frazzled trying to find you for Sirena, I forget to, as Sam says, ‘lead with that.’”

That brought Bair all the way around on his stool. “Sirena sent for me?”

Nikolai’s face became grim, “No, Boris. She collapsed in the guesthouse kitchen. Alexei has taken her to the hospital and he sent me to find you.”

O
NE minute Thel
was making a plate of breakfast food for herself at the main house, and the next she felt light on her feet. Dizzy, like the world was spinning, even though she was fairly sure she was standing still.

The last thing she remembered was her mother coming over to her with a beatific smile. “You’re about to faint, dear. Don’t worry you’re going to be all right and so will the baby, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to prevent the men here from making a rather unholy fuss.”

The world blurred and the next thing she knew, she was waking up in the back of Alexei’s car, her sister in the seat beside her, her mother explaining to Alexei that they might as well turn this car right on around, because nothing was wrong with Thel or the baby.

Alexei doggedly ignored Marian, and less than fifteen minutes later, she was checked into a private room at the nearest hospital. With a lot of “Yes, Mr. Rustanov” this and “Of course, Mr. Rustanov” that, a battery of tests were ordered, and the head nurse herself came in to attach Thel to a fetal heart monitor with a bunch of sticky electrode patches.

As nearly always happened, Marian was right. There was nothing wrong with Thel. She’d fainted, yes, but that wasn’t all that uncommon with pregnancies. Most likely the baby was sitting too close to a heart vein and had caused her blood pressure to precipitously drop. But they’d run a few tests and continue to monitor the baby for a few hours just to make sure—also Alexei, one of the hospital’s biggest donors, was standing near the fetal monitor, glowering at the nurse with his arms folded. So no, they wouldn’t kick her out of her private room until they were one-hundred-percent sure there was absolutely nothing wrong with her or the baby, even though it was Christmas and they probably needed the bed.

Thel dozed off soon after the nurse left, and when she woke again, her hand was in some kind vice clamp.

No, not a vice clamp. It was Bair with both his hands wrapped around her palm, whispering something guttural into her forearm.

“Hey,” she said, sleepily.

His head snapped up.

“Are you okay?” he asked, studying her intently like he was afraid she’d somehow slip into unconsciousness again if he took his eyes off of her for even a second.

But other than a slight headache, Thel felt perfectly fine. Well-rested even, like she’d finally gotten the good rest she’d needed after several sleepless nights in the row.

Yeah, she thought with an inner grimace, all that tossing and turning she’d been doing since Bair reappeared in her life probably hadn’t helped on the whole “let’s not faint on Christmas” front.

“I’m fine, but…” Thel’s brow crinkled with worry. She was the one checked into the hospital, but poor Bair was the one who looked like a complete wreck. His normally silky black curtain of hair had gone total haystack, and his eyes, usually so cold and beady, were rimmed with red.

“Are you okay, Beast?” she asked, shifting onto her side to face him.

“You collapsed. I wasn’t there, and you…”

To her shock, he brought her hand to his lips and began to cry. Dark, ugly sobs that seemed wrenched out of his very soul.

“Oh, no…don’t do that. It’s okay. I’m okay,” she said, her heart unable to see him so upset. Crying like a man completely undone with her hand pressed to his mouth.

“I found her, Sirena. My grandmother. I came home late one night. Drinking with other boys. Fighting and doing other things she told me not to do. And there was my grandmother. My tiger grandmother on floor, her hand like this on her chest.” He took one hand from hers and demonstrated with a clutching action. Thel’s own heart cracked with sympathy, realizing she must have had a heart attack.

“I tried to get her help. But it is small town with not so many doctors and the hospital is far away. She died on way to hospital. Because I was not there.”

“Oh, Beast, no, that wasn’t it,” she said. “Come here…”

She pulled on their joined hands, and this time she was the one kissing his knuckles with tears in her eyes. “I blamed myself for Trevor. You saw how I was still blaming myself for Trevor in San Francisco.”

Catching his watery gaze in hers, she told him, “But it’s like my mama always says: when it’s someone’s time, it’s their time, and that’s God’s business, not ours. We can’t take that on. The best we can do is remember them, and love them, and live.”

Bair shook his head, refuting her words. “How about if you had been standing in the wrong place? How about if you’d been alone?”

“Yeah, but I wasn’t, and I’m okay,” she said, smoothing a piece of his black haystack behind his ear with her free hand. “Everything’s okay…”

But he kept shaking his head. “No, it is not okay. Because if you’d died, you would not have known, because I never told you...”

He let out a shuddering breath. “I love you. I love you with everything I am. Please forgive me for not saying it sooner.
I love you
, and if anything had happened to you..….”

“Nothing would have happened to me,” Thel assured him.

“You don’t know that,” he growled harshly. “You cannot know that.”

“Sure I can. Marian says I’m going to live to be ninety-nine. That’s why I ain’t never been scared of nothing.”

He stopped, seemingly baffled by her answer. Then he did something else she’d never seen him do before. It started as a deep rumble in his chest, and at first Thel thought he was coughing. But then the sound came spilling out of his mouth. And…his lips curled up into a smile.

She knew then that her mother was definitely right about her living to ninety-nine. Because if hearing Bair Rustanov actually laugh hadn’t made her drop dead in shock, then she must be pretty much invincible to everything except old age.

“Do you believe everything your mother tells you?” he asked.

She gave him a “duh” look and said, “Yeah, of course I do. She’s like
psychic,”
she reminded him.

He rumbled some more. And she found herself laughing right along with him, the headache long gone.

But then he quieted down and said, “Marry me, Thel.”

She shook her head at him. “But we’re already married.”

“No, I’m married to Sirena. I want Thel, too. Marry me again. With your real name.”

She squinted, her entire face going tense with suspicion. “You’re serious? You finally believe in us?”

“
Da
, I finally believe in us,” he agreed. “You scare me. You and this baby. But I’m tired of not being as brave as my siren. I love you. I love you and Chrysanthemum both. I want us to be a family, and I want you to marry me, Thel. You are mine, my little siren. And I never want to be without you again.”

Several pensive beats went by as he waited for her answer. She bet it seemed to take so long, poor Bair even started to worry about what her answer would be.

But then she reached out and curled a hand around the back of his neck. “Well, it is Christmas, and lookithere…” she said with a lazy siren smile. “I forgot to get you a gift
again
this year. Oh well, I guess I better let you marry me.”

She was treated to the sound of his laughter for a second time that morning as she pulled him down for a kiss.

L
ate that night
, Thel shook Bair awake and asked, “Did you really tell me you loved me this morning, or was that just a dream?”

“I would not be in same bed sleeping so well with you if it had only been a dream,” he mumbled, closing his eyes to go back to sleep.

“Maybe this is one of those nesting dreams where you think you’re awake but really you’re still dreaming?”

“It is not, little siren,” he answered, pulling her into his arms with a contented sigh. “Trust me.”

“I do trust you…”

However after a few minutes of snuggling there with her head on his chest, she asked, “But could you show me you how much you love me now?”

“We already talked about this, Siren. You just got out of the hospital.”

“A million hours ago, and Mama said I didn’t even really have to go in the first place, seeing as how she’s a nurse with spiritual powers. If Alexei and them weren’t acting like total men when it comes to pregnant women, I would have just napped it off.” A few beats and then she added. “Also, she just texted me and said we can have sex tonight, because the baby won’t be coming until my C-section in April.”

Now Bair dipped his head to look down at her with a frown. “How did she…”

“It’s such a long and convoluted explanation,” she answered, shifting to look back up at him. “Trust me, it’s better if you don’t think about it too hard. But long story short, if you don’t want Marian to know all our business, don’t argue any place where a spirit could overhear you. And even then, there’s no guarantee your future spirit won’t rat you out. You’d be shocked how chatty folks get after they die. Like they’re downloading everything before they go on to the next life. But the main point is I’m horny and can you please just make love to me now, Beast?”

He wanted to say no again. The thought of her in that hospital bed was still haunting him, and probably would until the baby came, no matter what Marian promised.

“C’mon, it’s Christmas,” she cajoled, her siren’s voice wrapping around his heart like a silky cord.

Yes it was, and he couldn’t help but think about how he’d never given his siren one single Christmas gift until he found out just how much he stood to lose if he didn’t start fighting himself for her. He had so much to make up to her. So much to thank her for…

“You will be on top, and you will be very careful.”

She must not have been exaggerating about how much she wanted this, because she moved faster than he would have expected given her pregnant state. Climbing on top of him and then eliciting a sharp moan when her pussy made contact with the rock hard erection resting against his stomach.

“I’m always wet for you, and you’re always hard for me,” she said with a breathless laugh.

“Yes always, Siren,” he answered on a choked breath. Having her rub her naked pussy against him like this was sweet torture, and he had to force himself to stay still beneath her as pre-cum began to drip from the head of his penis.

And then the torture got worse when she lifted up and guided him toward her entrance.

He watched her pussy slowly swallow his length with clenched teeth.
“Don’t move,”
he continued to tell himself.
“You don’t want to hurt her.”

But she made it hard. She was so incredibly beautiful, his siren. Especially with his baby inside of her. It made him crazy with the need to possess her. And it was all he could do to keep his hands loose on her thick hips without taking over the action as she began languorously ride him, her sultry champagne eyes finding his.

Which was the only way to explain what he did next. Why it suddenly wasn’t enough to let her ride him. Why he reached one long arm up and caught her around the back of her neck, pulling her forward as her stomach rolled on top of his. Why he lifted his own head and….

Kissed her. Bringing her lips down to join with his for the very first time.

His kiss, of all things, ended up being the siren’s undoing. It unhinged her, and she began rocking herself up and down on his dick with sloppy urgency, fucking him with her pussy as he fucked her lips with his mouth until she came screaming into his kiss.

They kissed like this for hours that night. Him hard inside her. Her riding the crest of that first orgasm, so the kiss could keep going and going. Neither of them wanting it to end. It went on and on and on, until seemingly by mutual agreement, their slow, languid sex sped up, thrusts becoming that much more urgent, until finally they came together, crying as one.

Five minutes later, he was hard again. He took her on her side this time, hand wrapped around her neck in a loving caress as he continued to kiss her over her shoulder.

He couldn’t get enough. He’d never get enough. He knew that now. Of this. Of her. Of the life they would build together with the baby now binding them together for eternity. And in those moments he could no longer be afraid of what would come. Instead he welcomed a lifetime of love into his heart with a passionate kiss.