Here's the Situation (10 page)

Authors: Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino

SITCH AB FACT:
One of my abs is a
classically trained pianist. Can you guess which one?

eight

STICKY SITUATIONS

W
hen you bring your situation up to the level of The Situation, you just might find yourself in some sticky situations, whether it's a chick you've just smooshed or some hater who's jealous of the work you do. That's why you gotta have exit strategies.

One-Night Stands

When you bring a chick from the club back to your share house, things should progress quickly from there. It's the Jacuzzi, and then up to your private quarters for some pounding out. After you've done your work, you need your rest. But then what happens if the chick won't bounce? Or what happens if you're at her place and she has her claws dug into you?

Some chicks get all amped up after getting down with The Sitchâwhich is perfectly understandable. To ease her into La La Land, you may need to whisper a bedtime story into her ear to hasten the sandman and lay some lead on those lids. Here is one of my favorites:

Grenade-i-Locks and the Six Abs

Once as per a time in the forests of New Jersey there lived a Pappa Ab, a Mamma Ab, a Baby Ab, and three other abs. After crushing it all night in the club, they woke the next morning and blended their wake-up protein shakes, setting them in the refrigerator to cool. Then the six abs piled into their Escalade and rolled into the village to hit the gym, get some color, and pick up their dry cleaning. Soon after they left, a sloppy-drunk chick named Grenade-i-Locks, with strawberry Jell-O shot stains soaked down the front of her fugazi Prada blouse, stumbled into their crib. Grenade-i-Locks was basically a zoo creature who smelled food at the house. She was starving (she was always starving), and when she saw the feast the six abs were coordinating she began to scarf down all their shakes, nutritional supplements, and even threw their marinating chicken cutlets and surf and turf onto the grill. Then she fell asleep or whatever. The six abs came home and said, “Yo! This psycho bitch ate all our shit! Is she mindgaming us?!” So the six abs dragged Grenade-i-Locks outside by her extensions and stomped her ass until one of her fake tits popped out. Suddenly, they heard the wail of approaching sirens. And since most of the abs were on probation, they fled into the wilderness. The end.

Hopefully, at story's end, your one-night stand will be in deep REM, snoring like a buzzsaw. But, if the chick still won't go to sleep, here are some proven strategies that The Sitch has used to jettison a lingerer:

The “Early Departure”

This strategy requires the use of your wingman. (Note: If you're famous, you may also consider using your road manager or another member of your entourage.) Have him call your cellâor better, knock on your doorâand remind you that you have an early flight. This works best when your buddy can physically lurk in the doorway until the chick gathers her things and leaves with him. If you employ this tactic while staying in your share house down The Shore, watch out you don't run into her the next night at Karma. That is not going to go well.

The “Bro in Need”

When she's not looking, text a buddy to call your cell. Then, run this script:

(Phone rings.)
“Yo. Whoa, buddy, calm down. What's the trouble? Where are you? Okay, sit tight. I'm on my way.”
(End call.)
“I'm sorry, baby, I gotta go. My best friend needs my help. I'll wait while you get dressed.”

The “Social Network”

If you don't care if you ever see a girl again, and you don't want her number, you can be very direct while still remaining polite. There's no benefit to being a jerk to a girl, regardless of the circumstances, so when you really want to give her the brush-off, the line is: “Listen, sweetheart. I had a great time. I'll Facebook you.” She'll know then that you're basically saying, “See you later, babe. But not really.”

The “Li'l Sis”

Tell the girl that your little sister just got dumped by her boyfriend. She's hysterical and you need to go comfort her. Not only will this score you a fast exit (you are literally allowed to run from the building), but it will endear you in the eyes of the chick you're blowing off. This could lead to her telling her friends what a sweet guy you are, and down the road, you might be able to pound out one of them, too.

The “Point Blank”

You also need to be prepared for the chick who, no matter what tactic you try, simply won't leave. That's not a fun situation. Your only play is to be very forward with her: “Listen, sweetheart, I had a lot of fun tonight. This wasn't a joke. Leave me your number and I promise I'll give you a ring tomorrow. But I've got to get some sleep and I need you to go home. Now.” She will find your honesty refreshing.

SITCH AB FACT: To fall asleep, my abs count abs jumping over abs.

Handling the “L-Bomb”

W
hen your situation is tight and girls are flocking to you, you're going to run into situations when a chick drops the L-bomb on you. So what do you say when a girl tells you she loves you? You say, “Awesome.” And that's it. What do you do if she again tells you that she loves you? You roll.

Any conversation that begins with a chick telling you she loves you is bad news, my bros. She's going to take whatever you say to mean that you care for her, too, even if you never send an L-word sailing back at her on a wave of soft kisses. The Sitch himself has made this mistake. It only prolongs the pain and kills your game. An impromptu L-bomb is how a cool hookup can morph into a clinger right quick.

Multiple Partners

If you follow all my advice in this book and start creeping like a pro, you'll soon find yourself faced with going home with chicks in precariously unmanageable numbers. Part of the reason I find myself in these type situations is because I'm so polite. I just can't bear to say no to anyone who wants to party with The Sitch. Plus, I don't discriminate. Some days I like vanilla ice cream, some days I like chocolate, and some days I go for cookies 'n' cream. Deciding on just the right flavor can be the most difficult part of my dayâor, I should say, night. That's why I like to invite everyone back to my crib in an effort to delay my last-minute decision, depending on my appetite.

Real-Life Situation

One night in Detroit, I brought nine girls back to my hotel room. I don't know what I was thinking. It was pretty crowded, and I was exhausted, so I offered them an ultimatum designed to clear the room. I said, “Listen girls, I have another city to go to tomorrow. I don't want to be like this, but if you're not DTF (as previously advertised back at the club), then please exit the room immediately in an orderly fashion.” I used a joking tone, but I was serious. I was tired and had an early flight.

All nine chicks exchanged glances, then smiles. No one made for the door. They were all enthusiastically DTF.

I said, “You gotta be kidding me.”

I suppose, in theory, any guy would think that's a fantastic situation. But let's keep it real. As I mentioned previously, there's only so much Sitch to go around. I decided to deflect the decision-making responsibility away from myself and onto the girls. I approached the hottest chick and said, “Look, obviously I'm The Situation, but I'm not Superman with a rod of steel. As much as I'd love to do all nine of you simultaneously, I think we all know it's not going to happen. So, some have to go while others can stay. Decide amongst yourselves.”

The hottest chick huddled with her group of friends then said to me, “Well, we don't like those bitches over there.”

For once, female cattiness was playing to my advantage. I tasked her and her friends with eliminating that faction from the room and told them that, when the axe had fallen, to report back to me. That got us down to six, which was a workable number. I was willing to do six.

The six remaining girls split into two groups of three and started arguing in front of me. That's one of those things that dangles right on the edge of being a turn-off or a turn-on. They were all acquainted in some way and were threatening each other that this girl “better not tell her boyfriend what she did tonight,” and that girl “better keep her mouth shut to so-and-so.” That confrontation transitioned into who was going to start The Situation and who was going to finish him. To my mind, they had finally moved on to a reasonable discussion. I had my preference but, all in the same, I decided to hang back and see how things shook out. While this drama unfolded, I started to yawn. My eyelids were feeling heavy and I couldn't help but think of my early flight and all the hassles of the day's travel that lay ahead. Whatever these chicks were going to decide, they needed to do it fast.

An agreement was reached and I got to work with three of the girls while the other three watched. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed one of the girls from the on-deck circle retrieving something out of her bag. I've become ultra perceptive of those hijinksâno matter what I'm in the middle of doing. The voice in my head (which sounds just as handsome as my real voice) said, “Dude, you should've collected all their phones and cameras and locked them in the safe.” Sure enough, one of the girls was getting her camera to record the festivities. Luckily I wasn't so deep into my situation that I couldn't leap up and whack away her camera (with my
hand
). That nonsense was an immediate deal breaker. I banished her and her two friends from the room for her foolish transgression. They left peacefully, and though I was a little sad to see them go, I was also relieved that I was free to complete my work. Which is exactly what I did.

Life is a battle, bro. It's survival of the fittest. And by fittest, I mean hottest.

SITCH AB FACT: I recently brought three girls back to my hotel room. After a little bit of fun, I realized I was down to two girls. It took me thirty minutes to discover the missing chick was lost in a crevice in my six-pack.

One-Night Stand Checklist

(Multiple Chicks Edition)

â¢ Have a dozen condoms.

â¢ Double-check group to be certain there are no dudes.

â¢ Confiscate all cell phones and cameras, lock in hotel safe. (If no safe, hide them in your abs.)

â¢ Distribute an individual “safe word” to each chick.

â¢ Establish your ground rules (i.e., no pretzels in bed).

â¢ Officiate round of rock, paper, scissors to see who goes first.