He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships (19 page)

Melissa is ahead of the game because she is becoming aware of her problem, but many more women have not given this enough thought.

“I STILL DON’T BELIEVE I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH COMMITMENT”

We are extremely sympathetic to passive avoiders because we know how painful and thankless their role can be. Nonetheless we also realize that those with passive conflicts are often experts in denial. Because they are doing nothing “wrong,” nothing that could hurt anyone, they find it easy to hang all their problems on their partners’ stuff. Until passive avoiders prepare to shoulder their share of responsibility for their choices and understand how and why these choices are made, they are doomed to repeat the same painful patterns time and time again.

Whether you are a passive female whose pattern draws tremendous empathy or a passive male whose pattern draws friendly fire, it is no longer viable to dismiss these convoluted relationship dynamics as being nothing more than poor choices or bad luck in love. Whether you are male or female, the struggle with commitment is driving you to share a common experience. You can’t portray yourself as the well-intentioned victim or the abused nice guy when your history suggests that your own commitment issues are providing the siren song that draws you into so many painful relationships.

CHAPTER FIVE

“I Love You, but…”

DEFINING THE COMMITMENTPHOBIC RELATIONSHIP

There are a whole range of terrific reasons why any of us might want to be part of that bonded unit known as a couple. There are equally valid reasons why each of us might prefer to live the unencumbered life of a single person. At one time or another every one of us has probably struggled with this decision, and some of us struggle a lot.

There is a big difference, however, between struggling with the implications of commitment and hurting others because you can’t handle those implications. Act out your conflicts within a relationship, and somebody is going to get hurt. That’s why it’s so important to understand and work out these conflicts without inflicting pain on ourselves or others.

Whenever commitment conflicts provide the primary theme between two people, we define it as a “commitmentphobic relationship.” We can understand why some of you might be uncomfortable with this term, and we want to apologize to anybody who is inclined to consult Webster or Fowler about the word
commitmentphobic
or its usage. However, this is a shorthand term that we find descriptive, accurate, and useful. If one or both partners are as concerned with maintaining freedom, distance, and space as they are in sharing time, interests, or intimacy, we call it a commitmentphobic relationship.

PEOPLE WITH COMMITMENT CONFLICTS FIND EACH OTHER

There is something deceptive about these pairings. In these relationships one partner’s conflict, or fear, is always more obvious than the other’s. Someone always wants “more” while the other wants “less.” We refer to the partner with the more glaring commitment issues as an “active” avoider. This is the partner who seems to be calling most of the shots in the relationship, the person who we can observe “actively running away from love.” The other partner, whose only apparent fault appears to be one of choosing, or loving, the wrong person we call the “passive” avoider.

The passive partner is expending extraordinary energy caring about someone who is running away and is the person who is most likely to be labeled “the victim.” Throughout the relationship the passive avoider accepts the “runner’s” behavior with an unusual degree of understanding and even sympathy. In fact it sometimes appears that a shared desire to feel “free” is one of the underlying bonds between the couple.

After years of observing these relationships, we have reached three conclusions:

• The passive partner is often as anxious about commitment as the active avoider.
  

• During the course of the typical relationship, partners often switch roles at least once, if not more.
  

• The passive avoider in one relationship is frequently the active avoider in another.
  

Although the active avoider appears to be responsible for much of the pain and confusion, using labels such as “victim” and “perpetrator” masks the fact that the underlying fears of either player may be identical. If you are the passive partner, the one who always seems to be most hurt in your relationships, it may be difficult to understand how you are also avoiding commitment. But if you’re going to change both your behavior and your future, you must come to terms with the ways in which you, too, are running. More often than not the ways in which you are connected
to your “soul mate” have as much to do with fear as they do with love.

With that in mind let’s take a closer look at the dynamic of the typical commitmentphobic relationship.

FROM SEDUCTION TO REJECTION

The commitmentphobic relationship is one of extremes. The same person who can’t get enough of a partner one day can’t get far enough away the next.

If you are a “passive avoider,” and if you are in love with somebody who is vacillating from total affection to complete withdrawal, you will find yourself in a dizzying blend of pain and confusion. How could someone who wants to be with you so badly suddenly want to get away? It makes no sense. If it’s not the relationship that’s causing your “soul mate” to act so strangely, it must be something else.

So you start digging around for an explanation. Perhaps there’s a problem at work, a problem with the family, trouble with the law, sexual abuse or another secret from the past, a hidden compulsion, an overbearing mother, a controlling father, an emotional response to closeness that is so extreme that you can help solve the problem—your mind runs wild with possibilities.

Meanwhile the active avoider typically is unwilling, or unable, to articulate the real reasons for his or her behavior. Instead you are being bombarded with a plethora of mixed or double messages. You hear the ones you want to hear, believe the ones you want to believe. While the active avoider may vaguely mumble something about “fear of commitment,” for the most part his or her silence and confusion passively supports your belief that there is some deeper secret. You will never hear the whole truth about the degree of ambivalence, fantasy, and anxiety your partner is feeling. This behavior is part of what goes on in a commitmentphobic relationship.

We believe that the commitmentphobic relationship goes through several separate and distinct stages. In all of these stages the man or woman with active conflicts appears to be in control of
the relationship. He or she is setting most of the rules and establishing most of the boundaries.

Here is an outline of the various stages of a commitmentphobic relationship:

S
TAGE
O
NE
—T
HE
B
EGINNING

The seduction phase when love, lust, and excitement are so intense that they overshadow any fears. There is a great deal of fantasy attached to this period, and one person—typically the active partner—is doing everything possible to convince the other to let down his or her boundaries and become fully involved in the relationship.

S
TAGE
T
WO
—T
HE
M
IDDLE

The first rumblings of commitment panic are experienced. This stage starts when there is a definite shift of power in the relationship. The active avoider realizes that the partner appears to be won over and has expectations for a more committed relationship. Switching direction, the active avoider responds to this by erecting boundaries and establishing limits. During this entire period the active avoider is sifting through his or her conflicts and doubts about the relationship. Consequently there are a great many mixed and double messages, as well as a certain amount of push-pull and back-and-forth activity. As the active avoider pulls away, the passive partner becomes more and more insecure as well as determined to get more of a “commitment.” Sometimes this stage is brief, but it can also drag on for years.

S
TAGE
T
HERE
—T
HE
E
ND

The active avoider, feeling trapped by anxieties, expectations, and demands, may feel as though both physical and emotional space are being invaded. The sense of being trapped is so acute that it often produces a whole range of phobic reactions, including anxiety, palpitations, and stomach distress. Getting away and creating distance becomes more and more of a priority—this is frequently expressed by hostile and selfish behavior. Often the behavior becomes so provocative that a confrontation is forced.

S
TAGE
F
OUR
—T
HE
B
ITTER
E
ND

The active avoider is experiencing so many conflicted feelings that his or her behavior appears not only rejective but also bizarre and out of control. The fear and conflict are so intense that the active avoider is incapable of thinking about anyone else’s feelings. Active avoiders may appear angry or hostile; they may refuse to take phone calls or be pinned down in any way; often they immediately become involved with someone else in a way that seems “inconceivable.” Consequently the passive partner is devastated by cruel and thoughtless behavior. Instead of moving on, the passive partner may become increasingly committed to a fantasy of the relationship and may find it extraordinarily difficult to recover.

S
TAGE
F
IVE
—C
URTAIN
C
ALLS

Once the active avoider has exited the relationship, the level of anxiety falls off so dramatically that he or she is often left only with a sense of longing for the abandoned partner. When that happens, contact is frequently reestablished, and there are mini-replays of the entire relationship.

Let’s take a look at some commitmentphobic relationships and how they are played out. First let’s look at some relationships in which a man is the active avoider.

A CLASSIC PURSUIT/PANIC PATTERN

When Brian and Jessica met, he was forty and she was twenty-nine. He had never married, but he had lived with two women. She had been briefly married when she was in college. Since then she had been without a serious long-term relationship.

They met when Brian noticed Jessica in a small local bookstore that they both visited often; Brian involved the owners in assuring Jessica that he was “from the neighborhood” and “safe.” For her part Jessica found Brian, a stock trader, extraordinarily attractive, but she thought his interest in her was odd, since it seemed to lack a realistic basis. She gave him her phone number, even though she thought they really weren’t suited for each other. Within a
short time he was besieging her with “charming” phone calls. For two weeks he was on the phone “proving that he was definitely worth knowing.” He also sent flowers, and several books purchased at the little store in which they met.

By the time they actually had a date, Jessica was intrigued, and her defenses were worn down. Who was Brian and why did he like her so much? For their first date he took her to a dinner party at a friend’s house. Jessica liked everything about it. She liked his friends, she liked his attentiveness, she liked the feeling of being part of a couple. She says:

“I found him very interesting, very intelligent. But I also thought he was spoiled and he drank a little too much. He told me that he had recently broken up with a woman who was still very interested in him. He said that she had been all wrong for him, but that even though the breakup was a long time in coming, it was painful.

“We went out for two more weeks before I finally agreed to sleep with him. During this whole time he kept bringing me more and more into his world. I met his sister and his friends. I heard all about his life and his childhood. Brian is very sensitive, and I got the feeling that he trusted me more than he does most people.”

Jessica says that after she and Brian slept together for the first time, he told her that he had hurt every woman he had ever been with and that he didn’t want to hurt her. He asked her to promise him that she wouldn’t allow herself to be hurt. Although she thought it a strange request, Jessica assured him that she wouldn’t let that happen.

“I wanted to ask him to be more specific about what had happened with the other women, but, lying in bed next to him, it didn’t seem appropriate. There was a great deal of chemistry between us, and we spent a lot of time in bed. Within a month or so he began to encourage me to spend more time at his apartment. He always wanted me to stay over, to stay for the weekend. I have a cat, so I had to keep going home. Finally he said, ‘This is stupid. Bring the cat and move in with me.’ He really pushed me to do this. So I sublet my apartment and moved in. That was my big mistake.”

Jessica says that her major error was in not thinking everything
through. She says that there were telltale little signs almost from the very beginning that Brian wasn’t genuinely committed, but that she hadn’t given them proper weight.