He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships (29 page)

If you have answered the previous questions honestly, you should have a clearer sense of your pattern. Acknowledgment is the prerequisite to effecting some kind of constructive change. The next step is to figure out exactly what scares you about commitment.

CHAPTER EIGHT

Exploring Your Feelings, Exploring Your Fears

COMMITMENT-ANXIETY STEW—A LIST OF INGREDIENTS

The fear of commitment is not a simple fear. It’s a complex collection of anxieties, worries, and concerns, and it varies in composition and intensity from person to person. This means that for each of us our struggle with commitment is a reflection of our own unique blend of “anxiety stew.” In order to understand what you (or any of your partners) find frightening, you need to get a sense of the many emotional triggers—the “ingredients”—that are part of any individual recipe.

We believe the flight from commitment can be set off by any number of dynamics that might occur between two people. These are the dynamics that trigger feelings one associates with discomfort or stress. Even though you may not relate to the fear of commitment as a whole, you may feel differently about some of the individual components.

We urge you to look at the following series of questions. As you respond, keep in mind that each specific anxiety mentioned in this list may feel vague or unimportant to you. Nonetheless, unexamined and in combination, these anxieties can assume tremendous power in your life. These are the primary emotional ingredients that blend together to produce a fear of commitment.

How often do you feel the following:

1. I’m afraid that no one will want me because I’m not perfect enough.

Never_______ Sometimes_______ Always_______

2. I’m afraid that any partner I choose won’t be perfect.

Never_______ Sometimes_______ Always_______

3. I’m afraid that people will judge me by the partner I choose.

Never_______ Sometimes_______ Always_______

4. I’m afraid of losing the freedom to do what I want when I want.

Never_______ Sometimes_______ Always_______

5. I’m afraid of losing my sexual freedom.

Never_______ Sometimes_______ Always_______

6. I’m afraid of being bored.

Never_______ Sometimes_______ Always_______

7. I’m afraid I’ll change my mind and I’ll be stuck.

Never_______ Sometimes_______ Always_______

8. I’m afraid I’ll end up feeling limited and constrained by the compromises and obligations of commitment.

Never_______ Sometimes_______ Always_______

9. I’m afraid of losing my individuality and my sense of self.

Never_______ Sometimes_______ Always_______

10. I’m afraid of being controlled.

Never_______ Sometimes_______ Always_______

11. I’m afraid of losing control.

Never_______ Sometimes_______ Always_______

12. I’m afraid that I won’t have the magic feeling and won’t end up with “the mate that fate had me intended for.”

Never_______ Sometimes_______ Always_______

13. I’m afraid of growing older.

Never_______ Sometimes_______ Always_______

14. I’m afraid that my life will narrow and I’ll die without ever having lived or having done everything I want to do.

Never_______ Sometimes_______ Always_______

15. I’m afraid that I’ll love so much that something awful will happen to me.

Never_______ Sometimes_______ Always_______

16. I’m afraid that all the things I’m ashamed of will be found out by those I care about, and they will reject me because of it.

Never_______ Sometimes_______ Always_______

17. I’m afraid of being dependent on someone else.

Never_______ Sometimes_______ Always_______

18. I’m afraid of having someone be dependent on me.

Never_______ Sometimes_______ Always_______

19. I’m afraid of making another romantic mistake.

Never_______ Sometimes_______ Always_______

20. I’m afraid I’ll make my life more complicated and create more problems for myself.

Never_______ Sometimes_______ Always_______

21. I’m afraid I’ll be giving up a life I enjoy just the way it is.

Never_______ Sometimes_______ Always_______

22. I’m afraid of sharing my money.

Never_______ Sometimes_______ Always_______

23. I’m afraid that the circumstances of my life right now are such that there is no room for another person.

Never_______ Sometimes_______ Always_______

24. I’m afraid of the responsibilities that come with marriage and commitment.

Never_______ Sometimes_______ Always_______

The feelings expressed by each of these statements reflect underlying feelings and fears about permanent relationships. To better understand how powerfully each of these can affect your attitude toward commitment, it’s worth dissecting and examining the underlying concerns one by one.

COMMITMENT ANXIETIES FALL INTO FOUR SEPARATE CATEGORIES

There are a wide variety of commitment fears. Some are a direct result of being human; these are the universal feelings that touch us all. Others are personal anxieties that result from our own history and experience. Still others are based in fantasy and are fed by media images and Hollywood love stories. We believe commitment issues fall under the following categories:

• Narcissistic Commitment Issues
  

• Claustrophobic Commitment Issues
  

• Universal Commitment Issues
  

• Circumstantial Commitment Issues
  

NARCISSISTIC COMMITMENT ISSUES

Nobody’s Perfect—The Narcissistic Worldview

Are you too “picky”?

Are you too easily “picked” apart?

There are two basic narcissistic commitment issues. Most of us are familiar with the first; worrying about whether or not your partner is the perfect choice. But there is another narcissistic issue, which revolves around the fear
that you
are less than perfectly pleasing. One way or the other, narcissism affects just about everyone, and we could probably all use some help in understanding how narcissistic impulses sabotage relationships.

If you find that you always become “too picky” in relationships, if you spend too much time worrying about whether you are pleasing others, or if you too easily become invested in proving your worth to someone who is holding a magnifying glass up to your real or imagined shortcomings, then you already have some understanding of how this works.

The Quest for Perfection

We all remember the story of Narcissus, who, when staring into a pool, became so absorbed with his own reflection that he fell in and drowned.
Narcissism
is a terribly judgmental term, and when we hear it, we immediately think of a spoiled man or woman preening in front of a mirror. This isn’t always a fair assessment. To one degree or another, contemporary society, with its emphasis on image and externals, has made narcissists of us all. We have all been told to expect perfection of others and of ourselves.

Narcissistic personality traits are nothing new, but few of us have thought about what it means to find these traits in ourselves or in our partners. The way that narcissism influences the development
or lack of development of a relationship is very much connected to commitment issues. Some of us are always engaged in the quest for perfection; others, acting out the flip side of the same coin, are more likely to be worried that our own imperfections will be found out.

Being narcissistic goes way beyond simply being in love with one’s own reflection. It really means that we are often more in touch with the reflection, or image we project, than we are with our own core. What you may not be aware of is how your own need to present a perfect picture can be connected to narcissistic issues.

We have all known some supreme narcissists, men and women who are so fixated on their own reflections (and consequently on the reflections of others) that their inner cores are unavailable. A lifetime of distorted messages has long ago cut these people off from their true values and feelings, leaving them only with what is on the surface.

Anyone who is this narcissistic believes his or her value lies in the superficial external characteristics presented to the outside world. If you can’t see it, it has little value. Extreme narcissists are never able to love or accept anybody because narcissism is about perfection, and nobody’s perfect.

If your own sense of self-worth is tied in with being a perfect partner—whether that sense of perfection comes from being a perfect lover, a perfect cook, a perfect caretaker, a perfect provider, or a perfect nurturer—you are involved with narcissistic image issues that could be creating problems in your life.

Even men and women with mild narcissistic impulses can become so wrapped up in externals that they can’t see their own worth. Instead all they notice are the flaws in the images they present to the world. Consequently they never accept themselves for who they are; and without self-acceptance it’s impossible genuinely to accept anyone else.

Keep in mind that narcissistic people see themselves as the center of the universe. That isn’t always fun. Narcissistic impulses can make you feel that all eyes are on you all the time. Worrying about what others think and feel about you is a very uncomfortable way to live. That’s the main reason why people with intense narcissistic issues may struggle day and night to present perfection.

Part of someone’s perfect presentation is the company he or she keeps. The closer you get to someone like this, the more he or she worries about the kind of image you reflect. Just as they must be perfect, so must you be perfect if you are to be part of their world.

If you are involved with a supreme narcissist, you know what it is to be scrutinized for “flaws.” If you have ever been subjected to this kind of treatment, you know that your first reaction may be an attempt to improve or modify those things with which your partner is finding fault. Under these conditions there is a tendency to believe that everything will be okay if you just change all the things that your partner doesn’t like. If you could only change your body type, make more money, and give away your cat, it would work out. If you could only convert to a different religion, read two newspapers a day, and learn French, it would be okay. But with people like this, it’s never okay.

Narcissistic people typically hurt others because they can’t tolerate any more hurt themselves. But it would be a mistake to believe that they can be changed by the love of the perfect man or woman. This is not what it’s about, and it’s not going to work. Such a person will hold any flaws, real or imagined, against you. If you are too pink or green or yellow, or too boring or jealous or angry, or too naive, or too trusting, or too nice, someone with these tendencies might search it out and turn it against you.

We All Have Some Narcissistic Tendencies

Many of us have fantasies about “the perfect partner,” and sometimes we actually believe we can find such a person. We want our partners to look good and to sound good. We want them to reflect everything we think we are or everything we would like to be. And many of us carry with us that little narcissistic voice that points out when someone’s real characteristics don’t quite measure up to fantasy requirements.

It’s the narcissistic impulse that causes you to look at a potential partner and think,
Maybe I could do better. Maybe this person is too short, too tall, too thin, too fat, too poor, or too rich
. Where do these critical voices come from? Perhaps you had parents who constantly criticized you, your choices, your appearance, your friends, your friends’ choices, your friends’ appearances. In fact perhaps
you have been surrounded by people—family, friends—with judgmental attitudes. Perhaps every time you go out with someone, you remember this and place your date in the harsh glare of these voices from your past. You think,
Is this person good enough? Is this person rich enough? Is this person attractive enough? What will my family say about me if I’m with this person? How about my friends? How about the world at large?

I’m the Best/ I’m the Worst—The Two Sides of the Narcissistic Coin

The issue of narcissism is tremendously complicated because those with powerful narcissistic voices can reflect one of two extremes and can go back and forth between them. Often they tell themselves that they are wonderful and deserve someone who is perfect in every way. At other times they feel that they have no real value and deserve nothing. It is this flip-flop that dictates the whole projection of their attitude in relationships.

For example, when John wants Mary and she doesn’t immediately respond, all of his self-doubts are activated and maximized, and he begins to question his value in the world. But when Mary responds strongly and makes it clear that she is totally involved and available for John, he becomes the perfectionist, questioning
her
value in his life.