He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships (37 page)

Which side of the dependency issue you fall often has to do with what you want your financial role within a relationship to be. This obviously can be tremendously complicated and needs to be thought out carefully.

Conflicts that revolve around dependency can also involve feelings about trust. You may be asking yourself whether or not you can trust this other person enough to feel dependent. Sometimes what this brings into question is one’s ability to trust in general. Issues of trust, like issues of intimacy, sometimes need professional guidance in getting sorted out.

CIRCUMSTANTIAL COMMITMENT CONFLICTS

I WANT A COMMITMENT, BUT I DON’T WANT ANOTHER MISTAKE IN MY LIFE
.

I WANT A COMMITMENT, BUT I DON’T WANT TO COMPLICATE MY LIFE
.

I WANT A COMMITMENT, BUT I LIKE MY LIFE JUST THE WAY IT IS RIGHT NOW
.

I WANT A COMMITMENT, BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN THAT I WANT TO SHARE MY MONEY
.

I WANT A COMMITMENT, BUT THERE IS NO ROOM IN MY LIFE FOR A REAL PARTNER RIGHT NOW
.

These are some of the most common circumstantial reasons men and women have for postponing or avoiding a committed relationship. And they can all be valid. At different times in your life there will be different circumstances that need to be addressed. Some of them are realistic; others are excuses. It goes without saying that often we use circumstances to reinforce and support underlying fears that are always present, no matter what is going on in our lives. It’s up to you to examine your fears to decide those that are clearly grounded in reality and those that are directly connected to unresolved issues that you are carrying in your head.

What you need to keep in mind is: If you have active conflicts, you have the capacity to take any circumstance and enlarge its significance so that it provides an argument against making a commitment. If you have passive conflicts, you tend to minimize the importance of any circumstance or piece of information that makes it apparent that a commitment will not work out.

CHAPTER TEN

Making Commitments That Count

In the preceding chapters we have talked a great deal about commitment problems. We’ve talked about your feelings, we’ve talked about your behavior, we’ve talked about your choices, and we’ve talked about your fears. Most of all we’ve talked about conflict. There is one thing we haven’t yet talked about, and that is how to go about establishing and sustaining a genuinely committed relationship.

That’s what we want to do here. We would like to start out by saying that we don’t believe it’s simple. We haven’t found it simple in our lives, and we don’t expect you to find it simple in yours. However, if you’re tired of always sitting on the edge of the pool, envying those who have had the courage to dive in and lead committed lives, there is a way to learn to take the plunge and swim in this intimidating body of water.

THE FIRST STEP: ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR CONFLICTS AND MAKE A COMMITMENT TO MANAGING THEM

Before you can do anything else, you have to stop kidding yourself and stop trying to kid everyone else. Stop looking for excuses—either for yourself or for your partners. Whether you are always ambivalent or you always find yourself in relationships with am
bivalent partners, recognize that you have issues that need to be resolved.

In life, there are always reasons why commitments haven’t been made or shouldn’t be made. For example if someone is twenty-two and has only dated a few people, it’s appropriate to be unsure. But at a certain point you need to acknowledge those rationalizations that keep you stuck. When you start facing the ways in which commitment fears control what you do, you begin to reduce the power these fears have over you.

You may never feel one hundred percent certain about any
realistic
and appropriate choices, romantic or otherwise. There is only one solution to this dilemma: Instead of trying to find a relationship in which you have no ambivalence, commit yourself to managing it and constructing your life in such a way that you control this ambivalence, rather than letting it control you.

KNOW YOUR PATTERN

Know yourself and recognize how you behave. For example:

• Know whether you have an active or a passive pattern
  

• Know the ways in which you make inappropriate or unrealistic commitments
  

• Know the point in any relationship at which you are most likely to panic and run
  

• Know the ways in which you scare yourself by moving ahead too quickly
  

• Know the ways in which you set up expectations that will ultimately make you want to bolt and run away
  

• Know your commitment fantasies
  

• Know the ways in which you respond to someone else’s fantasies
  

• Know the ways in which your response is so immediate and so intense that it might make a potential mate feel trapped
  

• Know the ways in which you distance partners by constructing boundaries
  

• Know the ways in which you fail to erect reasonable boundaries
  

• Know the ways in which your ambivalence is acted out in the nonromantic areas of your life
  

RECOGNIZE YOUR FEARS AND KNOW HOW YOU ACT WHEN YOU ARE AFRAID

Commitmentphobia is about fear. Fear of being stuck, trapped, or tied down; fear of losing options; fear of losing freedom; fear of losing control; fear of dependency; fear of being bored; fear of leading an ordinary life; fear of making a mistake or repeating mistakes (yours or someone else’s). You need to be very specific in examining precisely what it is you don’t want in a relationship and then look at how these fears can cause you to choose badly or behave badly.

Here’s a good way to do this: Starting with parents and other relatives, think about all the people you know in long-term relationships. Make a list of what it is about these relationships that makes you uncomfortable and that you don’t want to duplicate in your own life. Then think about all the people you know who have lives or jobs that you consider settled but dreary. Make a list of everything you consider negative or stultifying about their lives. Then think about how these “fears” might be determining your patterns and behavior. Have any of your less-fortunate choices been extreme reactions to some of your fears?

We realize that there are many more complicated issues that can be reinforcing commitment conflicts, including fundamental fears of abandonment and intimacy that have their source in early childhood. These are obviously best managed with the help and support of a professional in a therapeutic situation. Be prepared to take those steps if necessary.

LOOK AT THE NARCISSISTIC ELEMENTS OF ALL YOUR CHOICES

All too often the narcissistic voices in our heads lead us to make choices that reflect fantasy images of ourselves, but not who we really are. We live in homes we can’t afford, buy cars we can’t
maintain, and choose careers that are not truly fulfilling. Worst of all, we find partners who make us look good but are not necessarily good for us.

If there is a strong narcissistic voice in your head, you are walking on eggshells all the time. Prisoners of the need to be perfect are always searching for the perfect passion, the perfect career, the perfect car, the perfect VCR, and the perfect dog. If you are relentlessly judging, criticizing, labeling, and typing, you may assume that everyone is doing the same to you. Always anticipating being scrutinized by the world, you give these feelings top priority. Your real needs are lost. You can’t make choices just for you.

If you want to liberate yourself from the prison of perfection, you must find the origin of the judgmental voices inside your head and start replacing them with self-acceptance. Try to become comfortable with the concept of “good enough.” You need to see yourself as good enough right now, and you need to see your choices as good enough. There is no such thing as perfect; it’s a word we can all learn to live without.

MAKE A COMMITMENT TO YOURSELF AND YOUR OWN LIFE

Many people believe that once they meet the “right” person, all of the elements of their lives will fall into place. We believe that you should behave as though the exact opposite is true and start by putting all the nonromantic areas of your life in order. It sounds simplistic to state that everything needs a foundation, but it’s a fact nonetheless. Before you build a house, you lay the foundation. Without that base the house can’t stand. It’s the same with commitment. Before you can make and sustain a satisfying committed relationship, you need to have a solid foundation of commitment to building a real life for yourself, partner or no partner.

When we interviewed people, we noticed a very interesting pattern: While it is apparent that those with active conflicts have a terrible time making even the smallest commitments, those with a passive pattern typically appear to have a more committed life. They seem more stable, less fearful, and more connected to their world. This can be very deceptive, however. Time and time again we’ve seen how those with a passive pattern are willing to give up
their lives—friends, interests, and home—when a new relationship beckons. If you are ready and able to walk away from a life that you’ve constructed in order to accommodate a new partner, we have to question the degree to which you’ve been committed to your life and to your previous choices.

Whether you are a passive or an active runner, the path to a satisfying, committed relationship is exactly the same. First you need to construct true and lasting commitments in every area of your life. That requires that you construct a meaningful, integrated, rooted life. Not a rich fantasy life and not a life that you would give up tomorrow for the “right” person, but a life that an appropriate partner could easily enter and share.

COMMITMENT BEGINS AT HOME

Being grounded and committed to the place you call home is one of the most crucial first steps in being able to make a commitment to another person. Some people have to start with basics such as finally getting around to unpacking the books and buying a bed. Others have to take personal responsibility for their environment as opposed to hiring someone to buy the furniture and make all the decorating choices.

The idea is to create a living space that reflects as much of the important aspects of you as possible. You don’t want to feel as though you are living in a hotel or motel and that you are never fully unpacked. You don’t want to distance yourself from your external environment. Quite the contrary, you want to feel as connected as possible.

GIVE UP THE NOTION OF TEMPORARY

Some people only make commitments when they perceive their choices as being temporary. That’s how many of us end up with closets and cupboards and garages overflowing with stuff that we don’t really want. Instead of purchasing the one sweater we love, we end up buying three that probably cost just as much, telling
ourselves that these are “temporary” choices that will do until we can afford what we really want.

When you have commitment conflicts, this kind of logic can extend into everything you do. Instead of taking the time to find and commit yourself to living in an apartment you like, you end up living in a space that you regard as temporary. Instead of buying the sofa you want, you buy one that you plan to discard. Instead of making firm appointments that you know absolutely you plan to keep, your internal schedule is filled with plans that you’ve agreed to but that you tell yourself you can always get out of. If your secret way out of every experience and every choice is an internal reliance on the belief that it is temporary, you don’t need us to tell you that you’re not living your life fully.

MAKE A COMMITMENT TO LIVING YOUR LIFE TO THE FULLEST

What are the ingredients that make up a full life? Work, friends, home, community, love, creativity, personal interests. Since those with commitment conflicts often resist being defined by their choices, the result can be a life of no choices and no real connections to one’s world.

If you’re going to resolve your conflicts, you have to come to terms with these feelings and start making appropriate investments of your time, psyche, and energy into all of the elements in your life. That involves identifying with your work, identifying with your community, and identifying with your own interests.

LEARN HOW TO MAKE SMALL COMMITMENTS AND SMALL CHOICES

What are the nonromantic choices in your life that paralyze you? Making firm appointments? Deciding what to wear? What to eat? Which organizations, if any, to join? Which interests to pursue? Which movie to see? What type of computer to purchase? Which car? When to take a vacation?

Start with the commitments that you perceive to be less intimi
dating and begin to take small steps in overcoming your conflicts. Perhaps that means finally getting business cards printed with your current address. Perhaps it means buying a plant for your kitchen or hanging a picture on your living-room wall. Perhaps it means making an appointment two weeks in advance and keeping it.