Hidden Depths (33 page)

‘Thanks Stefan. Audrey had a lucky escape,' Hanne responded, looking at her daughter sitting quietly in the back of the car. ‘I won't be long, sweetheart. There's something I have to do.'

‘Who's this Jens, Audrey's hero?' Glockner asked.

Hanne fudged the question. ‘He was passing by and offered to help. I must thank him. Stefan, stay with Audrey and don't let her out of your sight.'

Felix was in a state of after shock. He'd broken Witzig's arm with ease and knowing he was capable of such violence sent his head spinning back to the nightmares of his crimes against the Musketeers. This time, he told himself, he'd not committed a crime but had put his strength to good use – and Audrey was safe. He was feeling vulnerable at a crime scene. He trusted Hanne to some degree after confessing to her, but paranoia had set in and compounded with the shock of the day's events, all he wanted to do was escape. He found his gun on the ground at the edge of the copse of trees, retrieved his rucksack and secreted the gun and knife in an inner pocket. He also shoved the bloodstained towel and gloves into his bag.

Hanne approached him as he sat propped up against a tree with his arm in a sling. ‘How's your arm?' she asked.

‘I'm OK, really. The sling's just a precaution to keep the weight off it. Is Audrey all right?'

‘Fine, thanks to you. We got here just in time. Felix, I really do understand how you felt when the Musketeers threatened your family,' Hanne told him. ‘Until it happens to you, it's just words. You're right, parents would kill to protect their kids. I want to really hurt Witzig, even to kill him.'

‘I've not killed anyone else in more than 15 years,' Felix said. ‘Today brought it all back and I know in the same circumstances I'd do it all over again if I had to.'

‘Thank you, Felix,' Hanne reiterated.

Felix was curious. ‘Why did you tell your police colleague my name was Jens?'

How could Hanne explain to Marine Boy that she was torn? Felix's bravery had helped save her daughter's life and had certainly rescued her from possible sexual abuse. How could she ever thank him – or turn him in? On the spur of the moment, to protect Felix's identity she had lied to her colleague Glockner.

‘I wanted to buy us both a little time to think,' she told him.

Felix knew he had no right to make any demands but he was desperate. One last favour, he thought. It was worth asking.

‘You wanted to help me… Then please can you give me a few days to be with my family, before I'm locked away?'

Hanne was unsure. ‘I don't know.'

‘Sorry, I've no right to compromise you,' Felix apologised.

Hanne took a deep breath. ‘OK, Felix, you need to be with your family and I need to look after Audrey after her ordeal. I'll see you in one week, in Berlin. I'll do my best to get you a reduced sentence on account of your age at the time and mitigating factors from your time at Torgau and also for the heroism you showed in rescuing Audrey.'

‘Thank you, Hanne,' he said, quietly.

‘There's a new memorial for the holocaust victims just opened near the Brandenburg Gate. I'll collect you there at midday, a week on Monday. I am trusting you, so make sure you come.'

Felix nodded. ‘You have my word.'

Glockner waved at Hanne and she hurried to the car, anxious about Audrey.

‘You all right, sweetheart?'

Audrey nodded. ‘Take me home, Mutti,' she pleaded.

‘Hanne, you'll need to ask this Jens to make a statement,' Glockner told her.

Hanne looked around. Felix had quietly slipped away.

‘Where's he gone, Jens the hero?' asked Glockner.

‘I don't think he likes the limelight,' Hanne told him. ‘Don't worry, I know where to find him.'

Chapter Forty
-seven: Das Kino

F
ELIX CAUGHT A LOCAL
bus in Caputh that took him to the centre of Potsdam where he rang Klaus and waited to be collected. He passed time wandering around the park at the magnificent palatial chateau of Sans Souci that once belonged to the Prussian King, Frederik the Great, in the 1700s. He found a quiet place in the Orangerie, where he had a view over the former vineyards and extensive landscaped gardens. Feeling numb and lost, he sat staring ahead until Klaus turned up and took him in his arms. Klaus didn't ask too many questions because he could see how exhausted Felix was and let his nephew fall asleep in the back of the car on the journey home.

Within a few days of returning to the lake and to his loving family, Felix grew calmer, although he worried about how would he cope in prison. He was going to pay the ultimate forfeit for his terrible crimes, losing his liberty and his loved ones. His actions when he was an angry, damaged 17-year-old had caught up with him and the repercussions would impact on all those he loved most in the world. Not only would they lose him for years, they were at risk of being unduly maligned and forever stigmatised for their association with him. For this, but not for his actions – he'd never be sorry for ridding the world of those paedophiles – Felix felt ashamed.

He hoped he would be locked up for no more than 20 years, given his age at the time of the crime and time taken off for good behaviour in prison. He would miss out on all those precious years with his children as they grew up and his new baby would be raised entirely without a father. The risk of Peonie and the baby becoming strangers to him was high, as well as the probability of losing his wife. After all, why should she wait for him for two decades or more? She was still a young and beautiful woman, and she deserved more than being the wife of a convicted murderer.

For her part, Martha was devastated knowing that her beloved husband would soon be incarcerated and wouldn't be around to support her or help bring up their children.

‘I'd understand if you wanted to divorce me,' Felix told her.

Martha shook her head. ‘No! I just don't want all this to be true. When I've had the baby, I'll appeal to the courts for leniency, given your age and the mitigating circumstances at the time. We've got to fight this.'

Felix felt like the luckiest man alive. ‘I love you.'

Martha kissed him. ‘I love you too. We'll get through this together.'

Klaus and Ingrid cried together in private but showed a united and brave face in front of Felix.

‘I promise, everything will be here waiting for you when you come out,' Klaus told Felix.

‘How's Martha taken it?' Ingrid asked.

Felix broke down in tears and Ingrid held him, just like she always had done.

The hardest part for Felix was admitting the truth to Axel. He took him into Das Kino to tell him the devastating news in private.

‘Onkel! What are you saying?' Axel cried. ‘That you're a serial killer? Is this some sort of joke?'

‘It's true, Axel. I did it, to protect my family.'

Axel began to cry. ‘I can't believe it. What am I supposed to say?'

Felix was close to tears. ‘Tell me you don't hate me?'

Axel threw his arms around Felix. ‘No, never, never,' Axel told him. ‘But Onkel, you are a bloody fool,' he shouted, and ran out.

‘Axel!' called Felix, but he had run into the woods and Felix felt it best not to chase after him.

If he was to face his 17-year-old self now, Felix wondered what he would say to him. Could he make his younger self see sense? He knew his actions as a teenager were not rational or reasonable but neither was he in those days. He'd been troubled, deeply damaged by his experiences and was angry and grieving for his sister. But this thought ran parallel with a feeling of deep satisfaction that he had protected himself, his family and particularly Axel from further damage at the hands of the Musketeers. If they hadn't disappeared his life could have continued to be compromised by his abusers. If he hadn't killed them and taught Lotte Holler a lesson, would he have become the man he was today? Felix began to believe it was part of a process, a journey he had to take to reach his destination.

His thoughts flashed back to the day Susanne died. The memory still haunted his dreams. He was in Das Kino, just as he had been that tragic day, making a baby crib for Axel when his sister walked in.

‘Susi! It was meant to be a surprise,' Felix had told his sister.

‘You know I don't like surprises. What a lovely crib, I didn't know you were so clever at making things. Thank you,' she'd said, adding, ‘Felix…we need to talk. You left me alone in that terrible place. How could you?'

Felix felt ashamed all over again. ‘Susi, I'm sorry but I couldn't stay another day. It was killing me. When Dr Jens offered to help me escape, I had to go.'

Susanne was furious. ‘It was killing me too!'

‘I'm sorry,' Felix repeated feebly.

‘Why didn't you take me with you?' she asked.

‘In your condition?'

‘I felt betrayed and you didn't even say goodbye. Maybe you wanted to get away from me too,' Susanne stated.

‘Torgau changed us and not for the better,' Felix replied.

‘I cried for weeks without you,' she admitted.

‘Me too,' he replied.

‘I thought you were angry at me for keeping the baby.'

Felix shook his head. ‘That was your decision. I just ran away from the truth.'

Then out of the blue she made an announcement that shook Felix to the core.

‘Axel's your son,' she declared.

Felix gasped. ‘You can't be sure Axel's mine?'

Susanne was adamant. ‘Well, I'm almost 100 per cent sure. You remember when I fractured my ankle and Dr Jens kept me in the hospital for a few weeks? It was just after my first period and we… anyway, three weeks later I was throwing up. He's yours, I'm certain of it.'

‘Have you told anyone?' Felix asked.

Susanne was scornful. ‘You mean have I kept our secret?'

Felix was anxious. ‘If you have discussed it, no one will understand or forgive us.'

‘No, I'll take our secret to the grave. Let them all think Axel's father is unknown, a product of my abuse at Torgau,' Susanne said, bitterly. ‘No, Felix, I'll never tell a soul, no one knows we were lovers.'

‘Don't say that word,' Felix told her.

‘What… lovers? Or incest? We comforted each other sometimes in the hospital ward. With all that sex going on around us it just happened.'

‘It was wrong! We can't ever touch each other again,' Felix said.

‘Do you still want to?' Susanne asked.

‘You're my sister!'

‘And you're my brother.'

‘What will we do now?' Felix asked.

‘Axel's the image of you,' Susanne announced.

‘We're twins. No one will suspect,' Felix told her.

‘But
we
know! It'll always be, nagging away at us and staring us in the face. When we grow up and get married we'll have to lie to our spouses and lie to everyone for the rest of our lives… and lie to our son.'

‘We can't admit to incest. It would destroy Axel.'

‘It has destroyed me,' Susanne confessed.

‘Don't let it. We'll get through this and the nightmares of Torgau together.'

Susanne shook her head. ‘I don't know.'

‘Please, Susi. We've got to try. What other choice do we have?'

They smiled at one another and there was a brief moment of uncomfortable silence.

‘Felix, tell me, how did you escape?' said Susanne.

‘Dr Jens and me, we fooled that bitch Lotte Holler. She thought I'd tied bedsheets together and jumped into the River Elbe and Dr Jens told her I'd drowned.'

‘You fooled me, too. I thought you'd drowned and that I'd lost you,' Susanne told him.

‘That must have been hard for you. I'm so sorry. I was under a blanket in Dr Jens car all night. He got me out of Torgau and brought me here, where I could hide.'

‘Once you'd gone, Dr Jens was kind to me and looked after me. He never told me you'd escaped, though. I guess it was safer for everyone if he kept it a secret.'

‘But Susi, we don't have to hide any more,' Felix pointed out.

‘Where did Onkel Klaus hide you?' Susanne was curious.

Felix pointed to his hideaway in the rafters. ‘Up there. Want to see my room?'

Susanne followed Felix up the stairs to the top of Das Kino. She looked at the sparsely-furnished room and imagined herself living in it, and felt glad her brother had survived in this safe haven.

‘Come and look out of the window. At night, when the moon is bright it's lovely. I used to run in the dark or go out in one of Onkel Klaus's boats,' Felix told her.

‘Weren't you afraid of the dark?'

‘After Torgau, there was nothing left to be afraid of,' Felix replied.

Susanne stood close to Felix, their cheeks almost touching as they looked out of the window onto the lake's snowbound edges. Their close proximity reminded them of the warmth they once shared.

‘It's a lovely view in daylight too,' Susanne observed.

Brother and sister looked at one another and smiled. They turned to one another in a clumsy embrace and felt their bodies trembling as familiar feelings stirred inside them. Losing all self-control they began to kiss as lovers do but Felix pulled away. He could see the hurt and confusion in Susanne's eyes mirroring his own feelings and sadness. ‘No! We can't!' he cried and ran out.

‘Felix' she shouted. ‘Stop! Please.'

Felix had quickly descended the stairs. He shouted up at her. ‘Susi, it's not right.'

Susanne screamed. ‘I don't know how to be with you in any other way!'

He went outside onto the snow, hesitating about leaving. He didn't want to run away and thought maybe they should sort things out, once and for all. He went back in, intending to talk to Susi again, and looked up.

‘Susi, what are we going to do?'

He saw his sister climb over the balcony railings. ‘Look after Axel. Tell him I love him.'

‘Susi! No!' Felix bellowed.

She blew Felix a kiss. ‘I love you,' she told him – and jumped.

In Das Kino, in December 1989, Felix had cradled his sister's lifeless and bloody head. He had carried her back to the cottage and drops of blood from her head had splattered a path on the pristine white snow. It was the last time he would touch her, and he had held her until the warmth of her flesh had ebbed away. To him, Susanne's broken body was a symbolism of the sexual abuse and forbidden love at Torgau. Felix didn't want to end up the same way as his sister. He had a duty to survive especially now that he was quite possibly Axel's father.

That possibility haunted his waking hours and his dreams. He had to find out the truth. Susanne had told him the three Musketeers were the only ones who had sexually abused her in Torgau, so there was a one in four chance that he had fathered Axel. When he killed the Musketeers he'd decided to find out the truth once and for all, taking their hair for DNA samples which he sent off under a pseudonym with strands of his and Axel's hair to a specialist laboratory in Berlin.

The wait for the results had been nerve-wracking but Felix had always suspected Susanne's gut feeling was correct and the DNA results conclusively proved their suspicions. Axel was indeed Felix's son.

It was a strange paradox that Felix was not repulsed by these findings. He felt glad that none of the evil Musketeers had fathered Axel as a result of rape. Instead he accepted that his nephew was his son as a result of incest and learned to live with the torment that caused him. Most importantly, though, there was a little boy who needed to be loved and protected. Axel belonged to him and although he alone would carry the burden of this knowledge, Felix was prepared to lay down his life to protect his son. In May 2005, Felix walked out of Das Kino with the memory of Susanne's death still clear in his mind, and their incestuous secret still intact.