Hidden in the Heart (20 page)

Claire turned back to her father. “Please don’t think my wanting to search had anything to do with the way you and mom raised me. You were the best parents a girl could want. I just…” Claire blinked against the first sting of tears and lowered her gaze.

Her father’s hand closed around hers. “Don’t apologize. You want answers. You want to know why you were given up.” Dad cleared his throat and she snapped her head up. New understanding shone from his eyes.

“Claire, you mother and I were devastated when we learned we couldn’t conceive a child. Then when we decided on adoption, we had to wait so long. Some nights she’d cry herself to sleep wanting a baby so badly. I would have done anything to help her, but I knew there was nothing I could do. All we could do was pray, and wait.”

“We got the call from a woman at Social Services in Hartford. She said that a young girl had come down from Bethel. Was staying with friends and went into labor. She’d given birth at Hartford Hospital. She wasn’t married and she wanted to give the baby up for adoption. Were we interested?” He choked on his laughter and Claire sniffed.

“Of course we rushed to the car and drove straight over there. I was lucky I didn’t get pulled over for speeding. You were a beautiful baby. The most beautiful baby I’d ever seen. Perfect in every way. As soon as I laid eyes on you, I knew you were meant to be our daughter. It never mattered to me that you didn’t belong to us biologically. You were ours in every other way, Claire. And always will be.”

Claire leaned into her father’s embrace. Although she’d heard the story before, she’d never really
felt
it. An intangible sorrow settled in her heart, yet it also brought a certain freedom. Her cheek rested against his chest and she released a deep shuddering sigh. “I know, Dad. I feel the same way about you and mom. You were meant to be my parents and
I’ll always love you, no matter what.”

She pulled back and wiped her eyes. “But it’s hard, knowing that somebody gave birth to me and gave me up. I want to know why. Maybe it shouldn’t matter, but it does. In a strange way I feel like I was abandoned, that somehow I wasn’t good enough for her. I can’t deny the need I have to know where I came from, who I look like, what I inherited from them.” She paused and managed a smile. “Dad, you’ll always have first place in my life. Nothing will change that. I just thought…I thought that if I were able to get those answers, I might find some peace.”

Claire sat back and allowed her own words to sink in.

Maybe that’s what she
had
thought when she first started this journey. But she’d found peace anyway, even without those answers. The realization surprised her.

Dad blew his nose and nodded, his expression grave. “I never really tried to understand your feelings. I thought that if I allowed it, encouraged it, actually told you the truth, I might lose you.”

Claire gave a soft laugh and leaned into him again, putting her arms around his broad frame and hugging him tight. “That’s never going to happen. I think you’re stuck with me, Daddy.”

“I’m glad.” He rested a hand on the top of her head and kissed her. “Now listen, I need to get going. But, I’d like to tell you something. And I’m sorry I kept it from you before. Like I said, I was scared.” He straightened, giving Claire a sheepish smile. “You asked me the day you called, before you left for Maine, if the name Kelly meant anything to me.”

“Yes. You said no.”

“I lied.”

Claire nodded, inhaled and watched him struggle with the truth.

“When we met with the lawyer to sign all the papers to finalize your adoption, he left
the room to take a call, and I…well, I happened to glance at his notes. I wrote down a name, I don’t know why really. I guess in the back of my mind I thought one day you might want to know.”

Claire stared at him, her pulse racing as he took her hands in his.

“I’m sorry for keeping this from you. I pray you’ll forgive me, Claire. I was angry that you didn’t want to meet Eleanor, and I…well, I was scared to death of losing you.”

“Dad, I know. Just tell me.”

He cleared his throat several times. “I wrote down the name of your birth mother. I just wrote down the last name, but I saw her given name too. It was Michelle. Michelle Kelly.”

The name, said, spoken out loud, changed everything.

Dad coughed and looked around, ill at ease. “Later, I did some investigating. I was curious I guess. I wanted to know where you had come from. I found out her parents had a hotel or something up there in Maine.”

“Tara’s Place.” Claire sat numb, the truth in all its finality settling over her at last.

“You’ve seen it?” Surprise inched into his voice.

Claire sighed and rested her head in her hands. “I’m staying there.”

~

She pulled up outside the old Victorian home just a few blocks away from the house she and James owned, and put the car into park. Her heart thumped out a slow rhythm, but Claire forced her hand to open the car door. She moved slowly up the walkway, took the four steps up to the porch and waited outside the green front door.

Maybe she should have called.

Just as she was about to knock, the door flung open and Melanie stood there, her face lit with a smile. “Claire!”

Too late.

“Surprise.” Claire managed a grin before her friend pulled her into a tight embrace. “Um, a little air, Mel.”

“Sorry.” Melanie laughed and brushed away tears. “What are you doing here? Why didn’t you call? Are you back?”

Claire grinned, her joy at seeing Mel looking so well and happy overwhelming speech. She cleared her throat. “Maybe you could let me in first?”

As she stepped into the foyer after Melanie, Claire caught a glimpse of the white bassinet in the corner of the living room. Her throat tightened but she gathered her strength, looked at Melanie and smiled. “How’s Jaclyn?”

“She’s good.” Fresh tears filled Melanie’s blue eyes.

“Don’t start with the blubbering. Just show her off already.” Claire took slow steps into the room. The smell of baby powder tickled her nose and brought an unfamiliar longing. “Is she sleeping?”

“No, she’s awake, I just put her down.” Melanie hurried over, bent over the pink bundle in the bassinet and glanced Claire’s way. “Are you okay?”

Claire nodded. Surprisingly enough, she was.

Melanie picked up her daughter and Jaclyn turned big blue eyes on Claire. A gurgle stuck in her throat and her rosebud lips moved into the tiniest smile.

Claire let out her breath. No shaking. No noose around her neck…just…peace.

“Oh, Mel. She’s beautiful.” She reached out a finger and stroked the baby’s soft cheek. “Can I hold her?”

Melanie cradled the baby in one arm and reached out to give Claire’s hand a squeeze. “Absolutely.”

Claire sat on the couch with Jaclyn while Melanie went to the kitchen. She studied the
baby’s features, talked to her in low whispers and marveled at her shock of thick auburn hair.

“Just you wait until you’re older, you and I are going to have some fun,” Claire put on a mock whisper as Melanie came in with their tea. “I’m going to take you shopping and buy you whatever you want.”

“We’ll see about that.” Melanie’s face glowed but at least she wasn’t crying anymore. “I can’t believe you’re here. Happy Birthday, by the way.”

“Thanks.” Claire laughed as Jaclyn made a face. “I came down to see my Dad. We had a nice lunch. I might stay another night. I…wanted to come see you before I left for Maine the first time, Mel, but…”

“It’s okay. I know it was hard.” Melanie poured their tea and set Claire’s down on the coffee table beside the couch. “So. Tell me everything.”

Claire took her time going over the events of the last few weeks, letting it all sink in as she laid it out for Melanie. “So that’s where we are. I’m actually staying with my biological grandparents. Only they don’t know it. At least I don’t think they do.”

“Sounds like you have quite the conversation ahead of you,” Melanie said. A small smile lifted her lips. “I’ll pray for you.”

“Thanks, Mel. That will definitely help.” Claire laughed at the look of astonishment that raced across her friend’s face. “What?”

Melanie shook her head. “It’s so great to see you. You’re looking really good, Claire. I’m so proud of you. Did you tell James you were coming?”

“No.” Claire smiled as Jaclyn squeezed her finger. “Do you know where he is? I didn’t think he’d be in the office on a Saturday so I just drove past. I went by our house too, but I didn’t see the Jeep.”

“Oh. Well…” Melanie sipped her tea and nibbled on a brownie. When she veered her gaze Claire felt her stomach lurch.

“Mel? Is something wrong?”

“You should come home, Claire. For good.” Melanie turned to face her again. She wore such a serious expression that Claire almost didn’t want to ask.

She looked down at the baby again, her mind suddenly filling with unthinkable scenarios. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing, really, I’m sure. It’s just…here, let me take her.” Jaclyn had started to fuss and Claire gave her up reluctantly. Melanie sat down again, patting the baby’s back. She glanced at the clock on the wall. “He’s been helping out a lot with the youth group. They’re having a drop-in tonight, with a light meal. He’s probably down at the church setting up.” She gave a smile but Claire saw right through it. Her friend was worried.

“Okay. So…” Claire rubbed the soft denim of her jeans and swallowed down a lump in her throat. “Should I go down there?”

Melanie nodded, her smile gone.

Chapter Eighteen

Claire walked through the hall of the recreation center of the church she’d once attended with James, her hands in the pockets of her denim jacket. Kids passed her and acknowledged her, but she didn’t recognize any of them. Not that she would.

She pushed open the doors to the gym and scanned the beehive of activity. Music blared from the overhead speakers. Tables were being set up, chairs moved around. A couple of older boys were shooting hoops at the far end of the court. A few people were putting up decorations.

James was easy to spot, his tall figure standing out among the crowd. He and another guy were lugging a table across the room. James had his back to her and she didn’t know the man who could see her. They set the table in position and Claire moved in a little closer, her sneakers squeaking on the wood floor, nerves hammering.

A sudden shriek drew her attention toward a young woman on a ladder. “Somebody help!” She lost her balance as her foot slipped out of the rung, fell backward with another shriek, right into James’ waiting arms.

Claire watched in disbelief as he set her down, his face full of concern. “Are you okay?” he asked, disentangling himself from her.

The blonde swung her hair over her shoulders, gave the fakest laugh Claire had ever heard and threw her arms around his neck. “My hero.”

Hero? She’d practically fallen on top of him. Probably on purpose.

When she stepped back and gave Claire a good view of her face, Claire’s suspicions were confirmed. Susan Dawson. She should have known.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” James ducked out of her embrace and took a step back. The girl was still close enough to brush bits of confetti off his shirt.

Claire set her jaw, her heartbeat slowing to an unsteady rhythm. Melanie had been trying to warn her, trying to tell her something without actually saying it out loud.

An older man came over and sidled in between the two of them. “Susie, Lucy’s in the kitchen. She needs your help. You should take a break, James.” He cleared his throat and nodded in Claire’s direction.

Claire recognized him then, but couldn’t remember his name. She tried mental telepathy to get the guy to ignore her, but it didn’t work.

Her husband turned her way and stared. “Claire.” He stood motionless, frozen in time.

“Claire.” Susan saw her too and smiled, inching a little closer to James again. Claire narrowed her eyes and took a step forward. Susan raised a hand, wiggling ridiculously small fingers. “Good to see you, Claire. I’ll ah…just…go find Lucy.”

“You do that.” Claire watched her go, shook her head and gave James a caustic glare that she hoped conveyed her opinion of the scene she’d just witnessed.

“Claire.”

“Yup. It’s me.” She vaguely wondered if the fact that he had seemed to lapse into a state of catatonia was a good enough reason to slug him. In a church.

“Wha…wow. What are you doing here?” His deer-in-the-headlights expression wasn’t exactly the welcome she’d been hoping for.

“I’m not sure.” Anymore.

James pushed his fingers through his hair, gave a shrug and began to walk toward her.

Claire backed up.

She wasn’t ready for this after all.

“Didn’t mean to disturb you. I’ll get out of your hair.” She dodged the arm he extended to her and bolted for the door.

“Claire, wait!”

She ran until she reached the parking lot, stopped at her car and fumbled with her keys. This had been such a bad idea. But at least now she knew…

James caught up to her and grabbed her wrist. “Would you hold up a second? Talk to me!” He leaned up against the car door so she couldn’t open it. “You practically disappear off the face of the earth with barely any contact, show up here out of the blue, and now you’re running off like I have the plague. What’s with you?”

Claire shook her head, hating the tears that stung her eyes. It had been such a good day.

Until about five minutes ago.

“I guess I should have called to tell you I was coming. You could have made sure your ex-girlfriend was out of sight first.”

Surprise flashed across his face and a tiny grin lifted one corner of his mouth. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

“Don’t be ridiculous?” Claire pushed the strap of her purse up onto her shoulder and stared, mouth open. “I’m sorry, were you not in that room when she was hanging all over you? You know, at least you could have the decency to…”

“Stop.” He grabbed her arms and pierced her with a look that withered her anger in seconds. “Don’t you dare come breezing in here with no warning, take one stupid incident and turn it into an indictment against me. You don’t have the right to do that.”