Authors: Jae
I'm just too used to not being alone at night.
She shook her head at herself. Her childhood had made her a
master at lying to others, but she always tried not to lie to herself.
This isn't simple loneliness. You don't miss company. You
miss Amy's company.
She opened her eyes and stared into the darkness. But she
had missed Jo, too, after she had died, hadn't she? Yet she had still slept
like a log after an exhausting day. Somehow, missing Amy was very different
from missing Jo. Sharing the bed with Jo was like sharing with one of her half
sisters. Amy's warmth in bed next to her didn't feel sisterly at all. She had
never been as aware of Jo's body as she was of Amy's.
Goose bumps broke out over Rika's skin, even under the warm
blankets.
She closed her eyes, but the image of Amy, red locks
spilling over her pillow, remained.
Thoughts like that were getting more frequent.
Nothing
good will come of thinking like this. It has no future.
Maybe it was just
Tess's and Frankie's confusing presence. Maybe marrying and moving away would
be for the best. Once she married Phineas, she'd have no time to miss Amy at
night.
She hit her pillow into submission and squeezed her eyes
shut tighter.
* * *
"What's going on with you?" Nora asked when the
bedroom door closed behind them. "You barely smiled when Tess and Frankie
told us they'll be staying in Baker Prairie to open a hotel."
Luke forced a smile. "That's great news."
"Your talk with Amy didn't go well, did it?"
Luke flopped onto the mattress and stared at the ceiling.
"She wouldn't talk to me."
"What?" Nora sat on the edge of the bed and leaned
over Luke. "But she always talks to you, even about things she doesn't
want to tell me."
"Not about this. How can we expect her to talk to me
when she thinks I'm a man?" Luke kicked off her boots and let them thump
against the wall. It didn't help her frustration.
"But there has to be something we can do to help Amy.
We can't let her hate herself, Luke. What can we do?"
The question had been running through Luke's mind for
twenty-four hours now. She found just one answer, and she wasn't sure whether
it would help Amy or throw her even deeper into chaos. She clamped her fingers
around the edge of the mattress. "As long as she thinks I'm a man, she
won't talk to me. And she thinks you don't understand because you're married to
me, a man."
Green eyes appeared in Luke's field of vision. Nora put her
hands on Luke's shoulders. "What are you suggesting?"
"Maybe..." Luke rubbed her nose. "Maybe we
should tell her."
"Tell her what?"
Luke opened her mouth, but the words wouldn't come. She took
Nora's hand and pressed it to her own chest, letting her feel the bound breasts
beneath the vest and shirt.
Nora pulled back and stared at Luke. "Do you think that
would help? Wouldn't it make things worse?"
"Amy said she wants what we have, but she doesn't think
it's possible for two women."
"But Frankie and Tess —"
"Amy doesn't know them as well as we do. And they hide
their love. Amy needs to see two women she knows and who have a strong, loving
relationship."
Nora sighed. "That's a big risk. Are you sure you want
to do that?"
"I'm not sure at all." She wanted to stay Luke
Hamilton, rancher, husband, and father. But what if by revealing her gender,
she could show Amy that love between two women was good and lasting even if it
required some sacrifice?
Nora combed her fingers through the silver-tipped hairs at
Luke's temple. "Maybe we should wait and give Amy some time before making
a decision like that."
"What if time doesn't help? What if Amy still loathes
that part of herself in a week, a month, a year?"
"Then maybe we need to take the risk." Nora's
voice was low, almost a whisper. "Maybe it's time."
Maybe it was. Their daughters were adults now. They had
grown up to be responsible, strong women.
Luke breathed in deeply.
I've got to trust them with
this. They deserve it.
"Maybe it's better to do this now, on our terms, not
while you are lying somewhere, bleeding," Nora said. She shivered.
"If you had been shot by those two scoundrels from Fort Boise, Phin and
Charlie would have found out."
Luke searched her face. "Did you ever forgive me for
not telling you sooner? For having you find out when you opened my shirt to
save my life?"
Nora cradled Luke's face between her hands and lowered
herself until they were almost nose to nose. "There's nothing to forgive.
Back then, we were strangers — married strangers, but strangers nonetheless. We
hadn't learned to love and trust each other yet. But our daughters do. They
love you, and we have to trust that in the end, they'll come to
understand."
Without words, Luke tugged her down. Her lips found Nora's.
Teeth clashed for a moment; then Luke tamed her despair and gentled her touch.
She slid her tongue against Nora's, wanting to drown in her heat as if it were
the last time.
Nora drew back. She whispered kisses against the corner of
Luke's mouth. "I'm warning you," she said. "If you're thinking
of doing the honorable thing and keeping your promise to Bernice..."
Many years ago, Luke had promised Bernice that she would
never shame Nora by staying around if her secret was revealed. The thought of
losing Nora, leaving her family and her home, took away her breath.
"If you run, I'll come after you." Nora pressed
her finger to Luke's chest and tapped a few times as if to drive home her
point. "I'll follow you to the end of the world if need be."
A lump formed in Luke's throat, and she swallowed it down.
"What about the ranch?"
"My home is with you."
It was the same for Luke. Losing the ranch would hurt, but
giving up Nora and their daughters would shatter her heart in a million little
pieces. "And the girls?"
"That's why I'm telling you not to run. Running away
won't let Amy know that loving a woman is all right. Now it's time to face our
fears, not to run away from them."
"I'll stay," Luke said, her voice rough. Her
promise to Bernice still held true. She would never let Nora and the girls live
in shame. But maybe it was time to find other ways to keep her promise. Leaving
wasn't the solution.
Her promise to Bernice had been well-intentioned, but it had
been made by a younger Luke, who hadn't yet fully trusted Nora's love. Part of
her had still believed that Nora might be better off without her. Now she
understood that her promise to love Nora forever and Nora's promise to love her
was the most important thing in her life. "What about you? If we tell the
girls that I'm a woman, they'll want to know who fathered them."
Nora pressed her lips together until they blanched.
"We're both risking a lot, but it'll be all right. It'll be all
right," she repeated as if willing herself to believe it.
"Let's wait a while longer," Luke said.
"Maybe there's another way. I'll try talking to Amy again tomorrow."
L
UKE
HESITATED outside the tack room, one hand extended toward the door. Under
normal circumstances, she didn't disturb Amy when she was in her hideaway. This
time, she couldn't allow Amy to run or hide from her fears or she'd be running
for the rest of her life.
"Amy?" she called through the door before she
opened it.
Amy sat on a barrel, not looking up from the saddle in front
of her. She hadn't heard Luke. She also wasn't alone.
Leaning against the barrel, watching Amy work, was Hendrika.
"You put some saddle soap on the cloth and then work it
into the leather," Amy said.
"Like this?" Hendrika took over the cloth.
"Circular motions." Amy covered Hendrika's hand
with her own and showed her.
It seemed like yesterday that Luke had taught Amy how to
clean tack. She still remembered how she had guided her little hands. Now those
hands were all grown up and guided Hendrika with confidence.
And with tenderness, Luke realized. Pausing in the doorway,
she squinted at Amy and noticed the flush on her cheeks.
"Make sure you get the underside of the fenders and the
cinch," Amy said, her voice husky.
Oh, no. This isn't good.
Was Amy smitten with Phin's
bride? Maybe Amy really was too much like Luke. At Amy's age, Luke had thought
she had feelings for every girl she met. Every rancher's daughter and every
sister of an officer made her blush and her heart race. It took her a while to
figure out that physical reactions didn't equal love. If she could teach Amy
that, it would spare her daughter a lot of heartache and save her from
potential danger. The starry-eyed adoration of youth wasn't worth risking her
life if the object of her affection ran away screaming and told the rest of
town. It certainly wasn't worth ruining Amy's friendship with Phin.
Luke cleared her throat.
"Papa!" Amy wrenched her hands away from
Hendrika's.
"I didn't mean to interrupt, but I'm about to head out
and check on Lucky, get her used to a halter. Wanna come?"
Amy slid from the barrel. Her gaze flicked to Hendrika, and
she hesitated.
"Can I come too, Mr. Hamilton?" Hendrika asked.
"I'd love to see Lucky again. I promise not to get in the way."
That wasn't part of Luke's plan. She wanted to talk to Amy
alone, but with the gap-toothed smile directed at her, she found herself unable
to say no. "Can you ride?"
A long glance passed between Amy and Hendrika.
"I'm still learning, but Amy is teaching me, and she
said I'm doing well," Hendrika said. "I'm trying to spend as much
time in the saddle as I can."
"You can come," Luke said. "On one
condition."
Hendrika shifted and eyed Luke. "What?"
"Call me Luke. No one ever calls me Mr. Hamilton."
"Oh." Hendrika's wary stance relaxed. "Thank
you."
Luke waited for an offer to call her Rika, but it didn't
come. Seemed that privilege was reserved for Amy.
When they saddled the horses, Hendrika nudged Amy. "I'm
almost afraid to ride out with you."
"Afraid?" Luke asked, frowning.
"It seems every time we leave the ranch together,
something happens," Hendrika said. "First, we cross paths with a wild
mustang, then we find a drowning foal." Instead of looking fearful, she
was smiling, though.
So much had happened in the nine weeks Luke had been away,
and now she was desperately trying to catch up and make sense of what was going
on with her daughters.
She watched Hendrika mount. In one of Nora's split riding
skirts, the young woman cut a fine figure in the saddle. Her transitions were
still a little rough, but her touch on the reins was light. "You taught
her well," Luke said.
The compliment stained Amy's cheeks red.
How much time did she spend with Hendrika, teaching her
how to ride?
Luke wondered.
She had thousands of questions, but no answers — and she
knew she wouldn't get answers from Amy as long as Hendrika was with them.
And
here I thought being a parent would get easier over the years
.
R
IKA
DROPPED HER brush into the empty bucket of paint. "Done." She stepped
back to look at the newly painted line shack.
Amy wiped her hands on a rag. "Looks good. Thanks for
helping me."
When Rika turned toward her, she noticed that splashes of
reddish-brown paint dotted Amy's shirt. A broad stripe across her forehead made
her look like an Indian on the warpath. Rika laughed and pointed. "Lord,
you're a sight." She lifted a corner of her apron to wipe the paint from
Amy's face, but Amy backed away.
"Oh, and you aren't?"
Rika looked down at herself. Reddish-brown dots on her
forearms and down the front of her dress made her look like one of the
Hamiltons' Appaloosas. "Oh, my. I think we should wash up before we ride
back." She glanced at the nearby Pudding River, which sluggishly meandered
through the valley next to the line shack. "In fact..." She looked
from the river to Amy. "I could teach you how to swim while we're
here."
Maybe for once, she could be the one to teach while Amy
learned from her instead of the other way around.
"We don't have the time to —"
"Yes, we do. We thought painting the line shack would
take us all afternoon. No one will expect us back before supper."
Amy hesitated and looked around as if searching for another
reason to refuse.
"This is important, Amy," Rika said. "You
almost drowned because you can't swim. If I hadn't been there..." She
snapped her mouth shut, not wanting to finish the sentence. Some nights, she
still had nightmares about Amy being swept away by the raging river. "You
live right between two rivers, and I don't understand why your parents never
taught you how to swim." She tilted her head and took in Amy's pale face.
"You're not afraid, are you?"
Amy lifted her chin. "Of course not."
"Then come on." Rika took a step toward the river.
"I promise I won't let anything happen to you." She felt Amy's gaze
on her as she slipped off her skirt and her petticoat. Just in her chemise and
long underdrawers, she finally stood by the riverbank and looked back at Amy,
who still hadn't undressed.
"You're not shy about undressing in front of me, are
you?"
"No," Amy said, but her tone lacked conviction.
"Come on, Amy. We're both women."
Instead of encouraging Amy, her words made Amy blush.
Heat crawled up Rika's neck too when she remembered that
their gender no longer meant they wouldn't look at each other with desire.
Finding out about Tess and Frankie's relationship had changed things Rika had
taken for granted. "Let's get into the water." Mud squished between
her toes as she waded into the river. With her back turned, she waited for Amy.