“And what were yours, Cassie?” He hesitated, but he had to know. “The ones that still haunt you?”
While a familiar shadow crossed her face, this time she didn’t pull away. “The past is just that, Blake. There’s no point resurrecting it. And nothing will change by reliving it. I believe wise people just let it die.”
“Or let it out, so that it doesn’t prey on them.”
Cassie smiled—that sad smile that tore at him. Whatever it was that was bothering her, he wanted to fix it, to protect her, to release her from its hold so that she could soar. No matter what secret she was hiding, instinctively Blake knew he wouldn’t hold it against her. He’d seen glimpses of her potential, and now he wanted her completely free, unburdened by the past. He wasn’t certain when that had become so important to him.
When
she
had become so important, he realized with a start.
He gestured toward the small band playing a soft song at the head of the bar, then held out his hand. “How about a reprieve?”
Nodding, she accepted his hand, easily slipping into his arms as he led them around the dance floor. Protectiveness battled with desire as he circled her body and pulled it close.
He hadn’t wanted to rattle her earlier by telling her just how provocative her “simple” dress was. But then, most women couldn’t have made it look the way Cassie did.
The music hadn’t slowed, yet their movements had. A seductive swaying that had nothing to do with the song that was playing, only with the heat that built between them. Disregarding the other lone couple in the room, Blake cupped her head in his hands, pulled her mouth toward his.
Cassie made a token protest, but the sound turned quickly into a murmur of pleasure.
This time, she was all soft and yielding, encouraging him to deepen the kiss, clutching him with what seemed strangely like desperation. And her need drew him, sending off signals that made him want to protect and cherish her. Even as he acknowledged that she had become far too important to him, he wanted more.
Each taste, each nuance of flavor, intoxicated him. Despite the fire raging between them, he knew this wasn’t a hunger that a simple coupling could ease. He sensed that, if anything, their union would forge even stronger bonds between them.
He’d been running from those bonds since he lost Elizabeth, and now he was willingly stepping into their hold. Because Cassie had laid claim to his heart.
Knowing that, he allowed those frozen regions to thaw, accepting the rightness of her claim. Deepening the kiss, he tried to wordlessly convey his feelings to Cassie.
And she translated a portion of his message. She expected the heat, the passion, but she’d never expected the gentleness, the restrained power that did so much more than simply entice. When had her feelings for Blake vaulted into so much more than she’d expected?
As she responded to his kiss, Cassie realized that she loved him. Not in any simple sense, yet in a way that was completely basic, completely right. And knowing it was so, she felt a terrible sadness. Because she couldn’t sacrifice her children’s future, even if it meant giving up the one thing that could make her happy.
Chapter Fourteen
“M
ama!” Katherine Ann hollered as she skidded into the kitchen from a dead run. “Oh, Mama. You’ll never guess, not in a million years.... I just can’t believe it!”
“Whoa. What can’t you believe?”
“Mr. Matthews—”
“Blake,” he corrected her, coming into the room at a slower pace.
“Blake,” Katherine Ann inserted, without missing a beat. “He said he’d pay for my trip to Russia. Isn’t that wonderful? I can hardly believe it.”
“Me either,” Cassie muttered, turning a questioning gaze on him.
“You forgot to tell your mother that the offer only stands if she approves,” Blake reminded Katherine Ann.
“Oh, yeah,” she belatedly added. “But you approve, don’t you, Mama?” Katherine Ann turned shining, hopeful eyes in her direction.
Cassie took a deep breath, feeling the conflict tear at her. “It’s not a matter of approval, Katherine Ann. We can’t possibly accept such a generous offer.”
Dismay flooded Katherine Ann’s young face. She was clearly ready to crumple with unexpected disappointment. “But, Mama—”
Blake cut in. “Katherine Ann didn’t ask, I offered. I heard you talking the other night and I ran across the brochure.”
In the kitchen drawer
, Cassie mused skeptically,
he just happened across the brochure
.
Right
. She doubted he’d even know there
was
a kitchen if the back door wasn’t attached to it. “Still, we can’t—”
“Mama, you said yourself it was a wonderful opportunity and that we’d discuss it.”
“Taking money from Mr. Matthews isn’t a discussion,” Cassie reminded her gently, hating to crush her daughter’s young dreams.
“Your mother’s right,” Blake added. “So, let’s have a discussion. As far as I can tell, the objection seems to be strictly financial.” Blake turned his gaze on Cassie, and she felt herself squirm. “Since I’m willing to advance the funds, what part of that arrangement do you object to?”
Katherine Ann turned her inquisitive gaze on her mother, too.
Cassie swallowed. “We don’t take charity.”
“I provided a computer for Jim. Why can’t you accept this trip for Katherine Ann?”
Cassie had been deeply moved by that very gesture, one that had shown her the depth of his generosity and sensitivity. Blake had known how important the computer was to her son, how much it meant for him to be given such a gift. It was the kind of gesture she would have wanted from the children’s father, something they’d never been shown, something she’d been very grateful to Blake for. But the computer had been in place, something she didn’t have to approve or disapprove of. The decision had been taken out of her hands. But now, especially since Cassie realized that she loved Blake—how muddled those feelings and their roles had become—it didn’t seem right.
“Why not, Mama? What’s the difference between the money for my trip and Jim’s computer?”
Cassie tried to gather her scattered thoughts. “For one thing, the trip must cost far more than the computer.”
Blake discreetly cleared his throat. “Actually, the computer setup was considerably more.”
“Wasn’t it an extra? One your boys or your business no longer used?” Cassie attempted, knowing she was desperately scrabbling for an excuse, for a reason to not be indebted to him.
“Computers are outdated within six months. It would hardly have been worth it to start Jim on an obsolete system, with an intense interest like his.”
So, he’d spent a considerable sum on Jim’s computer setup. She hadn’t dreamed the equipment was so expensive, but she’d had no experience with computers. “I guess it would be unfair to deny Katherine Ann the same advantages....”
Katherine Ann released an indrawn breath, jumping up and down.
Cassie held up a hand in warning. “Wait just a minute. We’ll accept the offer, provided we pay the entire amount back.”
“That’s okay, Mama. I told you I’d work all the jobs I can, and—”
Blake broke in. “That’s not necessary.”
“Yes, it is,” Cassie replied firmly, shoving back her panic at the thought of more indebtedness. “We appreciate your advancing the money, but we insist on paying it back. We don’t want to be in your debt.”
Blake shrugged. “Whatever you think is best.”
“Oh, Mama, thank you! I can’t believe I’m really going!” Then Katherine Ann turned to Blake, her enthusiasm spilling over, brushing away the residue of her shyness as she gave him an equally enthusiastic hug. “Mr. Matthews—Blake—this is the best thing anybody ever did for me! Thanks for being so good to us.”
Cassie watched as Blake blinked, obviously surprised and apparently moved by the words. “You’re welcome, Katherine Ann. You work hard—at school and here, helping your mother and everybody else in this house. You deserve the trip.”
Katherine Ann beamed under the praise, and it struck Cassie that her daughter was as hungry for a father’s approval as the boys were. Somehow, her capable, intelligent girl hadn’t seemed to be missing that connection, but apparently she had hidden that need deep inside.
Katherine Ann grinned. “I can’t wait to tell the guys.”
“Don’t rub it in,” Cassie reminded her gently.
“I won’t, Mama. Jim might wish he could go, but he’d much rather have his computer than a trip. Russia! I’m going to Russia!” Between a lilt and a song, Katherine Ann’s voice bounced behind her as she sprinted up the stairs.
Left alone with Blake, Cassie rubbed a few aimless circles on the counter with the sponge, even though Maria had already immaculately cleaned the kitchen.
“You did want her to go, didn’t you?” he asked, his deep voice rumbling over her, the sound alone evoking too many reactions.
“Actually, I did...if it was possible. But I’m serious. We can’t possibly accept such huge gifts. I really didn’t have any idea that Jimmy Ray’s computer was so expensive.” Upset, she forgot to refer to her eldest as Jim.
“I know that.” Blake held her eyes. “It’s much more gratifying to buy gifts for someone who appreciates the thought far more than the price tag.”
“I guess that’s something I never thought about. I always wanted to give the kids wonderful gifts, but they were grateful for the little things I could afford. I can’t remember them ever thinking about how much they cost. If they had gotten expensive presents, the kids would have thought there’d been a mistake.”
“And it felt good just knowing what you’d provided was appreciated?” Blake asked.
“Of course...” She’d stepped right into that one. He’d made his point. But something inside her refused to let her give in that quickly. “I’m glad it makes you feel good, but I meant what I said.” Cassie stepped over to the built-in desk in the corner and picked up a notepad and pen, resolutely filling in the lines with quickly dashed writing.
Then she handed him the pad. “It’s rough, but it’s an agreement that I’ll pay you back in full for Katherine Ann’s trip.”
At first it looked as though he would refuse to accept the paper. His arms tensed as though to push the pad back at her. Then he relaxed suddenly, solemnly accepting the paper. He scanned the few lines, finally meeting her eyes as he reached out with one hand. “Can I use the pen?”
Nodding, she handed him the pen, both curious and inexplicably cautious. Both feelings intensified as she watched him write intently on the paper. When he finally glanced up and held out the paper, she was reluctant to accept it. Deciding that she was being foolish, she grasped the paper and read his additions. With a growing sense of disbelief, her eyes widened as she took in his words.
“Should I explain the additional terms?” Blake asked, a wicked smile curving his lips. Before she could reply, he moved closer to read the paper. Too close. Their bodies were nearly touching. “I’ll outline the terms. First...” He pointed to the top sentence. “This is the payoff clause—as you can see, a kiss will pay the debt in full.” Cassie’s face tightened, but he was just getting warmed up. “And this is the prepayment penalty—it doubles if no kisses are exchanged before it’s fully paid.”
“So you’re making fun of my homemade agreement?” Cassie asked tightly, suddenly feeling very much like a small-town hick.
“No, Cassie.” Surprising her, he reached out and tipped up her chin. “I’m dead serious. And since I know what a strict financier you are, I figure I can’t lose either way.”
Realizing they were no longer speaking about the agreement, Cassie felt suddenly uncertain. “It was just a kiss,” she finally whispered, referring to the previous evening.
“Are you sure?” he asked, his mouth dangerously close, the heat from his body reaching out to envelop hers.
She opened her mouth, but no sound emerged. Blake took the opportunity to draw even closer. As he bent his head toward hers, the back door burst open.
Cassie and Blake jumped apart, both trying to look normal—neither sure what that was anymore. They looked away from each other, to the parade of kids bounding inside. D.J. and the twins, returning from Scouts, apparently didn’t notice anything amiss. It had been another special evening outing to earn badges.
Cassie hoped her voice didn’t shake as she spoke. “I hope you thanked your den mother for taking everyone in the van.”
D.J. dug into the cupcakes. “Sure, Mama. She said it was easier to keep track of everyone that way.”
Cassie searched for enthusiasm and a smile. “So, does this mean you’ll earn another badge?”
Todd pulled his Scout book from his backpack and opened it. “Look, Cassie.”
Trying to tame the flush in her cheeks, she read the page he pointed to. “This is great, Todd.” The enthusiasm came naturally now, along with a dose of pride. “Hey, you’ve finished the service badge, and that one takes a lot of work.”
Blake watched them, the easy interaction between Cassie and his sons. Somehow the lines between being the nanny and being something more had blurred.
“You’ll have a grundle of badges for the awards ceremony,” she continued, the smile coming easily now, as well.
“What’s a grundle?” Mark asked.
Cassie glanced at them proudly. “Judging by your books, probably more than any of the other boys.”
“Nope.” D.J. shook his head as the twins chimed in. “We gotta have one more.”
“That shouldn’t be too hard,” Blake commented, taking one of the cupcakes D.J. offered.
“Yeah it is, Dad. It’s gotta be a badge in this group.” Todd pointed to his still-open book. “And we’ve done all of them except the overnight camp-out.”
“It’s been a long time since I’ve been on an overnight camp-out, but surely they’re not that difficult.” Blake glanced between his sons, seeing that they didn’t look any more cheerful. “Are they?”
“It’s not that, Dad. There’s not an overnight camp-out scheduled till after the ceremony.” Mark bit into a cupcake with a resigned expression.
“Yeah, and we worked our tails off trying to get the most badges,” D.J. mumbled around a mouthful of cupcake.
“Are there any rules about where the camp-out has to be?” Cassie asked, a new gleam in her eyes.
“Not that I know about, Mama.”
“How come, Cassie?” Todd asked.
“I have an idea. Your den mother may not approve it, but it can’t hurt to ask.”
“What, Mama?”
“How about a camp-out in the backyard? You could set up camp, pitch your tent, plan your own sup—dinner.”
“Can we do it tonight?” Mark asked, abandoning his cupcake in excitement.
“No. First I have to make sure your den mother will sign off on your badges if we do the overnight here, and second,
if
she says yes, it has to be on the weekend.”
“Why, Mama? We won’t have to drive anywhere.”
She smiled. “No, but I don’t imagine any of you will get much sleep.” Reaching out, she ruffled a trio of heads, each in turn. “Right?”
Grinning, they grabbed cupcakes as they tried to talk her into calling the den mother that very moment. As she laughed and joked with them, Blake watched. And wondered. She had openly given the full measure of her affection to his children. Why was it so difficult for her to share more of that affection with him?
BY THE WEEKEND, D.J. and the twins were nearly rabid with excitement over the impending camp-out. Per regulations, they’d insisted on shopping for all the supplies themselves. They’d made countless trips from the house to the backyard, setting up the tent, then hauling out their food for the cookout, along with the mountain of snacks Cassie had allowed them to buy for this special event.
The kids really wanted this badge, and were working without complaint to make sure they performed each task to specifications. She was proud of all her boys. Shaking her head, Cassie smiled ironically. It was hard to remember that the twins weren’t hers, especially when she was filled with pride.
Blake had agreed to be home early enough to spend some of the evening with them, and she knew he would share her pride. At that thought, Cassie paused, no longer seeing the list in her hand. It was important that Blake establish this link with his sons. But even as the thought came, another wove in, insistently demanding to be heard. What about her? What was
her
link to Blake?