His Brand of Passion (9 page)

Except, Zoe thought with cringing insight, she would be. She would be in an even worse, endless limbo, waiting for him to love her. Even if he’d just told her he wouldn’t, ever; Zoe knew that herself. Knew she would keep wishing for it, trying to make it happen, and living on the thin vapour of hope until she had nothing left.

Was that what she wanted with her life? Could she even survive it?

‘Obviously,’ Aaron said dryly, ‘That doesn’t sound very appealing to you.’

Zoe forced a smile. ‘Did my face give it away?’

‘Pretty much. You looked horrified. Still do.’

She let out a weary sigh. ‘Love is kind of a big thing, Aaron, to give up forever.’

‘I know that. And I understand that a marriage between us will involve a sacrifice on your part.’

‘And yours too, I imagine.’ He might live a lonely life, but he still was a player, enjoyed affairs, flings. Although he hadn’t actually
said
he would give those up…or if this partnership would be in name only and not in the bedroom.

‘It’s not the same for me,’ he answered with a shrug. ‘I’m not giving up on a dream.’

Zoe swallowed past the tightness in her throat. ‘That is how it feels,’ she admitted. ‘And yet maybe that’s all it ever was, ever will be—a dream.’

‘Do you really believe that?’

‘I don’t know. I haven’t found the fairy tale yet and I’m thirty-one, so…’ She shrugged, spreading her hands. ‘Maybe this is as good as it gets. My best offer.’

Aaron gazed at her steadily. ‘Only you can decide that.’

‘Well, thank you for that,’ she said a bit tartly. ‘At least you’re not trying to emotionally blackmail me into doing the right thing for the baby.’

‘I want you to be sure. This would be a permanent arrangement, Zoe. I won’t sanction a divorce a couple of years down the road.’

‘Too bad New York is a no-fault state,’ she answered flippantly, and Aaron reached out and curled one hand around her wrist.

‘Don’t joke,’ he said in a low voice. ‘It’s true I couldn’t keep you from divorcing me if you really wanted to, but I could make it hellish for you.’

A chill entered her soul; this was an Aaron she hadn’t seen before, at least not since their first encounter over the stupid phone. This Aaron was cold, calculating, even cruel. This was
the Aaron she’d wondered at when they’d first met, the Aaron that had given her a faint frisson of fear. Now she felt it in full.

She yanked her arm away from him. ‘Nice way to threaten me.’

‘Just stating facts.’

‘And is this supposed to help me decide in your favour?’ she snapped, still unsettled by the low, deadly note she’d heard in his voice, seen in his eyes.

‘It is what it is.’

‘What if you want to divorce?’ she threw at him and he barely blinked.

‘Won’t happen.’

‘You can’t say that.’

‘Yes,’ he answered. ‘I can.’

Zoe let out a breath. ‘Were your parents divorced?’

‘No, but they probably should have been.’

She let out a sudden, wild laugh. ‘A funny thing for you to say, considering how against it you obviously are.’

He shrugged. ‘If you can’t keep your vows, you shouldn’t get married.’

Who in his parents’ marriage hadn’t kept their vows? she wondered. His father? Was that the cause of his mother’s depression? She swallowed, forcing herself to ask the next question. ‘So you would keep your vows?’

His nostrils flared, his eyes narrowing. ‘Of course.’ She’d offended him even by asking the question, she realised.

‘You’ve been with a lot of women,’ she pointed out. ‘I can understand why you might be reluctant to give that up.’

‘But I would.’

He hadn’t denied that he was reluctant, she noticed. She glanced down at her tea once more. ‘So this marriage—it would be real? I mean, consummated?’

‘I don’t think we have a problem in that area.’ She looked up to see him smiling faintly, and she gave a rather silly smile
back. Memories of that night tumbled through her mind again, not just the pleasure and excitement but the sudden intimacy of that moment when he’d driven inside her, looked in her eyes and she’d felt…

Complete
.

‘No,’ she agreed. ‘I don’t suppose we do.’

They didn’t speak for a moment, and in that silence Zoe felt her cheeks heat as memories flashed yet again through her mind, an incredibly vivid montage. She imagined that Aaron knew exactly what she was thinking, and with a thrill she wondered if he were thinking it too.

He turned away, setting his coffee mug down with a decisive clink. ‘I need to get to work. Obviously, you’ll have to think about it some more.’

‘Yes.’ She still had a thousand questions, questions that bubbled up inside her in an unholy ferment and other questions she didn’t even know how to ask. So much uncertainty, unknowing…

‘I’ll see you tonight,’ Aaron said. She watched as he reached for his blazer and briefcase, and then he was gone.

She spent the morning pacing the apartment, her mind buzzing, and then when she couldn’t stand it anymore she went outside and walked through Riverside Park, ending up in a playground right on the Hudson. She sat on a bench in the drowsy early-autumn sunshine and listened to the creak of the swings and the squeak of the slide, watched toddlers with chubby fists chase butterflies and beg for ice cream from the stand by the gate. She tried to imagine herself in this same place in a year or two, with her round-faced child toddling along, and perhaps Aaron too, sitting next to her, smiling at the antics of their son or daughter.

She felt a smile bloom across her face as she pictured the scene, the three of them a family, a child drawing them together in ways she could only barely imagine. She wanted
that. She wanted to belong to someone, to feel a part of something bigger than herself. She wanted to scoop a child up in her arms and tickle his tummy. She wanted to lift her head and share a knowing smile with that child’s father:
Aaron
.

She wanted it to be reality—and yet, without love, would it be enough?

She was so tempted to say yes to Aaron’s offer, even as another part of her acknowledged just how much she’d be giving up.

And yet perhaps she’d given up on it already…Four failed relationships, four men who had walked away from her without a backward glance, one of them who had utterly broken her. Did she really want to keep trying? Maybe if she made herself accept Aaron’s lack of love it wouldn’t bother her so much. She’d stop trying to find the fairy tale and settle for reality instead. A good reality. Dreams might not be the best foundation for a marriage, and at least she knew he would be faithful, committed…

Sighing, she rose from the bench. She knew this was not a decision she could make on her own. She needed to talk to Millie.

She called her from her mobile as she walked back to the apartment. Her sister answered on the first ring, her voice sharp with worry.

‘Zoe? Where have you been? I haven’t heard from you in over a week.’

‘Oh.’ Zoe sank onto a park bench and closed her eyes. ‘Sorry about that. I should have told you…’

‘Told me what? Where are you? What’s happened, Zoe?’ Millie’s voice rose with each question. ‘Are you in trouble?’

‘No.’ Zoe opened her eyes. ‘Why do you think I am?’

‘I—I don’t.’ Her sister sounded surprised, even guarded. ‘But disappearing without telling me is kind of worrisome.’

‘I’m living with someone.’ This was not, Zoe reflected,
how she wanted to begin this conversation. She should have been up front with Millie from the beginning, she supposed; her news was now going to come as an almighty shock.

‘Living with someone? But you weren’t even dating someone at my wedding not so long ago!’

‘I know.’
And I’m not dating someone now
. Even if she was contemplating getting married. ‘It’s…complicated.’

Millie let out a weary sigh. ‘It always is, with you, sweetie.’

Zoe knew she shouldn’t feel stung. She joked about her nightmarish love life all the time; when Millie had been in deepest grief, hearing about some of Zoe’s dating disasters had been the only thing to make her smile. Yet now, with everything so uncertain and raw, Zoe did feel that sharp needling of hurt at Millie’s assumptions—and she knew more was to come.

‘So tell me,’ Millie prompted. ‘Who is this guy?’

Which part to say first? The pregnancy or the father? ‘It’s Aaron.’

‘Aaron? Aaron who?’

Zoe almost laughed. ‘Aaron Bryant, your brother-in-law.’

‘What?’
The word came out of Millie like an explosion. ‘Him? Zoe, he’s such a—such a jerk!’

‘Nice way to talk about family, Mills.’

‘But you’ve met him! You’ve seen how he behaves. He’s barely had the time of day for Chase or Luke for their entire lives.’

‘He lives with a lot of pressure.’ Zoe spoke instinctively, knowing it was true. She’d seen it in the taut lines of Aaron’s face, the set of his shoulders and the shadows in his eyes. And, while she didn’t know what the source of the strain was between Aaron and his brothers, she couldn’t help but defend him.

‘He’s so not your type,’ Millie said helplessly, and Zoe almost smiled.

‘My type hasn’t been a runaway success before.’

‘Your type,’ her sister answered tartly, ‘has always been a guy who screws with you. Don’t do it again, Zoe. Aaron will break your heart and he won’t even care.’

She blinked at this blatant truth. ‘He would care,’ she said softly. But he would still do it.

Millie was silent and Zoe could almost hear her sister’s mind spinning. ‘When did this happen?’

‘The night of your wedding, actually.’

‘The night—? You mean—?’

‘I’m pregnant, Millie.’

Another long silence, and this one was awful. Zoe wondered if Millie was thinking about her own daughter. ‘I’m sorry,’ she finally said and Zoe stiffened.

‘I’m not. I want to have this baby.’

‘You do? But—’

‘But what?’

‘Well, I’m surprised,’ Millie said carefully. ‘Your life isn’t exactly—’

‘That’s just what Aaron said.’

‘So you’ve told Aaron that you’re pregnant?’

Zoe blew out a breath. ‘Well, since I’m living with him, yes.’

‘Why
are
you living with him? I mean, he doesn’t seem the kind to—’

‘He asked me.’

‘Really.’ Millie sounded completely disbelieving and, even though Zoe knew her sister’s scepticism was certainly warranted, she still felt a stab of irritation. Was it so hard to believe that Aaron might want to be with her? That something between them could actually work?

‘He wants to be involved,’ she said stiffly. ‘As a father.’

‘Okay.’ Millie was silent again, clearly processing this.
‘You know we’ll help you, Zoe—Chase and I. You don’t have to rely on Aaron. I mean, if you need money or whatever.’

‘I don’t need money.’ Zoe swallowed. This conversation was going all wrong. She felt wrong, like Millie was ruining something she hadn’t even realised was precious. ‘Actually, Aaron’s asked me to marry him.’

Millie said nothing, which somehow was worse than if she’d exploded again. ‘Millie?’ she finally asked. ‘Aren’t you going to say something?’

‘I don’t know what to say.’

‘You sound like Mum.’

‘Sorry.’ Millie let out a sigh. ‘I mean, marriage—and you barely know him.’

‘How long did you know Chase before you realised you loved him?’ Zoe retorted. She knew it had been less than a week. She and Aaron had more history than that now.

‘That’s different,’ Millie protested. ‘That was Chase. And this is Aaron.’

‘So? They’re both Bryants.’

‘Yes, but Chase is—Well, he’s a good person, Zoe. He’s funny and charming and I knew right from the beginning that he would never want to hurt me.’

‘Well, guess what?’ Zoe answered, and heard her voice shake. ‘I know that, too. Aaron doesn’t want to hurt me, Millie. He wants to do the right thing. Desperately.’

‘I’m sorry. I know I must sound terribly judgemental—’

‘Yes. You do.’

Millie sighed again. ‘I just don’t want to see you hurt, Zoe. I love you, and I’ve seen too many guys put you through the wringer. Guys with a lot less money, power and arrogance than Aaron Bryant.’

‘I’m not going to get hurt this time.’ Zoe knew she was speaking with more conviction than she truly felt. ‘I’m walking into this with my eyes open.’

‘What do you mean? Does he—does he love you?’

And there was the hollow heart of it, Zoe thought, the bitter root. ‘No.’

‘So why—?’

‘It’s best for the baby.’

‘And you believe that? When you know we’ll help you—Mum and Dad too?’

‘I don’t want to be my family’s charity case,’ Zoe said quietly. ‘But that’s not why I’m thinking of marrying him. I want my own life, Millie. My own family. I’ve spent the last ten years chasing the rainbow and I’m starting to believe it doesn’t exist.’

‘It
does
, Zoe.’

‘For you, maybe. But, knowing the way I am, the way I always insist on falling in love with the wrong guy, maybe it’s better to have a relationship where that isn’t even an option.’

‘But how do you know that’s how it will be?’ Millie asked in a low voice. ‘How do you know you won’t fall in love with him?’

‘I’ll just have to keep myself from it,’ Zoe answered, and she knew her sister heard the aching bleakness in her voice.

She was still mulling over the question when she went to her session at the community centre. She had Robert again today. Over the last few weeks he’d made a little progress, and had opened up a bit about the anxiety he felt at not seeing his father.

‘He’s just so far away,’ he said quietly as he carefully coloured in a huge, endless ocean of blue on his paper. Zoe nodded in understanding. Robert’s father had moved to California, farther than the little boy could even grasp, and yet he’d still feel the separation if his father lived in Brooklyn. Sometimes distance didn’t matter. The orientation of your heart did.

And, whether Aaron was in California or on the Upper West Side, she might always feel as if he were an ocean away, Zoe thought as she cleaned up after Robert had left the centre. Could she live with that kind of emotional distance?