His Favorite Mistake (Baby Its Cold Out) (22 page)

His frustration was clear in his voice. "Reyna what is it that you are telling me?"

              "I was never in love with Cade. I thought that I was, but now I know that I never really loved him. I guess I was in love with the idea of being in love.” She looked up at him tears filling her eyes wanting him to.

             
Brody cleared his throat trying to bring his thoughts back to what he wanted to ask her more than anything. "Was that why you were so afraid to tell me the truth? Did you think that I wouldn't understand? You were so young. You didn't know what love was all about. How could you love him under the circumstances?"

             
"No, Brody I didn't even really try to understand him. Don't you see I didn't even try to see that he was sick and needed my help and that makes me every bit as bad as he was? Maybe, if I truly had been in love with him or at least tried he would have, I don't know changed somehow stopped using drugs, not gone out that night. If I had truly been the person that I should have been that he needed me to be and not someone blinded by fairy tales then maybe he would still be alive today. Cade's dead and I'm to blame as much for that as he.” She was crying so hard that she barely got the words out but for the first time in a long time, her heart felt light. She had told the most important person in the world to her the truth. She had shared her dark secret with him and he was still there with her. He hadn't left her.

             
Reyna heard him say something but she couldn't understand because her heart was beating hard against her heart. She tried to understand his expression but through the blur of tears, she couldn't see anything at all, as he came slowly over to her. When she tried to speak the tears choked away her words as he reached for her and gently picked her up sitting down on the sofa with her in his lap his arms going around her holding her close to him she knew that at least she hadn't lost him as a friend.

             
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that I couldn't tell you but was so frightened I’d lose you. I love you far too much to lose you. Even if it’s just your friendship I don't ever want to lose you."

             
She held her breath as he looked at her, his expression gave nothing away.

"The night that he died when he came home I hadn't seen him in days. I was so frightened I didn't know where to look for him, I thought that maybe he had taken an overdose or been killed by one of the people who sold him the drugs. He was using more and more hard drugs by then Brody. He would go on binges for days at a time disappearing without any word. I was afraid that one day he wouldn't come home. I never knew what to tell his father you see
Harvey refused to see the trouble Cade was in and the only time that I ever attempted to confront him with it he accused me of being the one on drugs. I think now that maybe that's what Cade wanted him to believe I just don't know anymore."

             
"You see Cade had started mixing the drugs he was taking with alcohol and the mixture was; well his anger was terrifying there were times that I really thought he would kill me. I truly believe he wanted me dead.” She shuddered visibly remembering the night of his death. "I was afraid that he would kill me one day and he almost did.

             
"The night that he died when Cade came home, oh God Brody he was out of his mind. He was stoned out of his mind. He was acting crazy he barely even recognized me. He started drinking almost from the moment he reached the apartment and he was acting crazy, imagining all sorts of crazy things. I tried to stop him from leaving I tried to take the keys away from him because I knew that there was no way he was sober enough to drive but he went mad when I tried to reason with him and he became so violent. I don't think I will ever forget that night.” She took a shuddering breath remembering, "We were in the kitchen and he picked me up and threw me against the kitchen cabinets as if I were a doll. I hit my head; I don't remember anything else beyond that point. That was how I got the bruise, but I don't remember much about that night accept the pain in my side was almost paralyzing. I kept losing consciousness. The next thing I remember was the phone call from the police telling me that Cade had been involved in an accident. That he was dead."

             
She looked up surprised to see that he was sitting next to her watching her but she had no idea what he must be thinking and she couldn't force herself to meet his gaze. "Don't you see, in some way, Cade's death is my fault as well. I should have been stronger I should have stood up to him the first time he hit me. I should have found the strength to leave him long before his death. If I had done so he might still be alive, he might have gotten help, might have found someone who he could have loved instead…”

             
"No, Reyna. You can't believe that you're to blame in any way for Cade's death surely. You didn't put the needle in his arm, he did. The only person to blame for Cade's death is Cade. I was his friend I knew he used casual drugs in college I saw the way his behavior changed over the past few years, I should have figured it out as well hell for that matter Harvey should have come to terms long ago, with just how dangerous Cade's addictive behavior was. At this moment, none of that matters anymore. I'm glad Cade is dead right now because if he were here today I think I would kill him myself. I could kill him with my bear hands and never have any regret after what he did to you.” He spoke quietly his voice almost devoid of all emotion and Reyna looked at him startled by his words seeing the controlled anger in his tense body knowing that he meant every word. "Dear God Reyna do you have any idea how it wounds me to know what he did to you. How alone you must have felt. I would give anything right now if I could take your pain away. Tell me what I can do to help you, baby. I want to help you."

             
She closed her eyes rejecting the sympathy that she heard in his voice. She didn't want his pity she wanted only for him to love her to need her with the same passion that she loved him. Reyna stood up stumbling back away from him and he got to his feet with her once more following her and she realized that all her feelings for him, her desperation, everything was right there in her eyes for him to see. She closed her eyes shaking her head helplessly before she could bring her scattered emotions under control forcing. She tried to smile. "Oh Brody there's nothing that you can do. Don't you see you've done so much for me? Your friendship has meant everything to me. You have no further obligation to me. You have your own life to live and I've disrupted it far too much already. You owe me nothing.” She turned away hoping that when he left her it would be quickly.                            

             
For a split second time seemed to have ceased standing still and then she heard the angry explosion in his voice the very same moment he reached for her turning her roughly around to face him. "That's the second time you've said that to me Reyna. Is that what you think? Do you honestly think that all I feel for you is something bordering on obligation? I can't believe I'm hearing this after everything that we've shared together. I can't believe you would credit me with so little character. Do you think that I made love to you out of obligation?” He broke off shaking his head and she could feel the anger in every tense muscle that he was fighting hard to control.  She felt his grip tighten on her arms, her heart racing with panic for a moment before she forced herself to think. This was Brody, he wouldn't hurt her. The anguish in his voice broke through the emotional haze in her mind and she swallowed.

"Obligation? Obligation is the last thing on earth that I feel for you Reyna, the very last thing.”

              "You tell me you love me, you throw that word out to me, and you don't know what it does to me to hear you say that. How can you love me? In what way? As a friend? Are you asking for my friendship? Is that what you want from me, Reyna because I don't think I can be just your friend?” She looked at him heard the bitterness in his voice. She was more frightened than ever before of losing him. She wanted to throw her arms around him and to beg him not to leave her. Life seemed almost impossible to think about without him. For so long now it had been the two of them how did she get beyond that moment.

He gripped her arms tight, the pain etched in his face breaking her already bruised heart.  “You tell me you believe in love with one special person forever. You said you were never in love with Cade - he wasn't the one. How you can still believe is such a miracle, Reyna.” Brody shook his head, his voice cracking. “Who is your forever one? I need to know. What do you want from me?"

              Reyna looked into his eyes seeing all the uncertainty the cautiousness, the desperateness and knew that the time had come for her to tell him everything. Everything that she felt for him. "Oh Brody, how can you even ask me that? Don't you know? I love you Brody, more than anything else in the world. I think I've loved you from the beginning but how could I ask you to love me? It took our friendship to make me realize I want you to love me. I want you. Please, I don't think that I can go on without you I don't really think that I want to. I love you Brody, but I can't be just your friend either. I want you to give me your heart. I want your everything."

             
She watched as each word she whispered shocked him their meaning slowly registering and the expression on his face said it all. He had waited a long time for her to say those words and suddenly it all became so very clear to her. He had been waiting on her to say it first to tell him how she felt. He hadn't wanted to push her into admitting feelings that might come from the heat of passion and that she might later regret. He pulled her into his arms, holding her so tight that she could barely breath his lips claiming hers again and again kissing her with so much hungry that it left her breathless, shattered and weak from the very force of his feelings and she leaned against him weakly for support. "Reyna, do you have any idea how long I've wanted to hear you say those words to me. How long that I prayed for you to say those words. I love you Reyna, more than anything else, in this world I love you.

             
"Dear God, I thought I had lost you today when I came back to the house and saw that you were gone and then when I read your note I thought you were truly gone. For the first time in longer than I can ever remember, I actually cried. I was so afraid that I would never see you again.” His hands framed her face. "I love you Reyna. I've never ever said that to another woman before only you. I love you and I don't ever want to lose you. You are the most important thing in the world to me you are everything to me. I've loved you since the very moment I saw you. That first night that Cade introduced you to me, I knew that I loved you and I hated Cade for finding you first for taking your heart away from me. God help me but after he died, well, I thought maybe this was my second chance for love with you.

             
"There was no way I was going to let you get away from me again. I wasn't going to take the chance that someone else would come along and steal you away. I knew that I could never get lucky enough to get another chance with you if I blew this one. I would have done anything, everything to keep you with me. I couldn't believe that you didn't see right through me from the very beginning. When you were forced to leave your old apartment, I jumped at the chance to get you closer to me. I told myself that I was only looking out for you, as Cade would have wanted me to do. That it was only friendship that I wanted from you and later well and then I tried convincing myself that I would take whatever you had to offer even if it was only your friendship that would be enough but it didn't take long to see that nothing short of loving you forever would ever, ever be enough.

             
"When we made love that night for the first time, you have no idea how much it frightened me to want you that much and have you in my arms at last. I was terrified that I would hurt you. When I found out that you weren't using any form of birth control well I didn't, that is I didn't even think of using any myself I hate to admit this to you love but I had hoped that maybe you would become pregnant with my child and I would have a reason to keep you close to me forever. I know that sounds terrible. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm saying this the wrong way, I know. I shouldn't be telling you this at all when what I really want to say is that I love you and I never ever want to lose you. I can't live without you love, I can't ever live without you."

             
He picked her up in his arms and carried her over to the fireplace. He hooked one of the armchairs with his foot and moved it closer to the fire before he sat down with her in his arms. He smoothed away a straying strand of her hair and looked into her eyes with so much love. Her heart slammed against her chest in response.

"I spoke to Jenna today and she told me where you were she also told me what she said to you about being with me. You know of course it was a lie, don't you baby? How could you think I would want to be with any other woman except you? You're the only woman that I want. I don't think you realize just how jealous Jenna is of you. I only wish that you had told me what she said we could have put all that behind us a long time ago. I love you, Reyna, and I want you more than anything else in the world. I never want to be away from you again I never ever want to go through what I went through today again. I can't lose you. I won't ever do anything to hurt you. Don't cry baby, I don't ever want to make you cry again. I love you. I love you with all my heart. My life is meaningless without you."