“You don’t have a choice.” Alec stared at her from too close in their cocoon of back-seat privacy, his features magnified as she realized somehow she’d ended up wrapped in his arms. And yet, she was so cold inside, so numb straight through, she barely even felt those strong muscles holding her.
Her breath came faster in all the signs of a panic attack—a phenomenon that had plagued her for three months after Gena’s accident. And oh God, she couldn’t afford to lose it now. Not with Alec right next to her.
Holding
her, for crying out loud.
“You don’t understand.” And with the colored spots dancing in front of her vision, she wasn’t sure she had the mental wherewithal to explain. “I’ve been a detective on the force for almost five years, and not once have I let a situation rattle me.”
“These guys weren’t playing around, Vanessa.” He squeezed her tighter. So hard she could almost imagine he touched something inside her. “Christ, cut yourself some slack.”
His words sounded far away, yet his touch—too rough, too forceful and somehow just right—grounded her in a way no rational argument could. Taking deep breaths, she allowed herself to soak up the feel of his arms banded around her, the scent of his soap chasing away the stale air of the cab until she could breathe again.
Never before had the human touch wielded such a powerful effect for her. For months after Gena’s accident, Vanessa had actively searched for forgetfulness in a man’s arms. Any man’s arms. It had been a painful time in her life made all the worse by her attempts to revive some sense of feeling in her numb existence.
What did it mean that Alec could make her feel something now, when nothing had touched her in the past?
“I need a certain amount of professional distance to maintain objectivity here.” She stared down at his arms wrapped around her, knowing she couldn’t even work up a suitable glare when all she wanted to do was burrow into that strong chest and not come out for a week. Or two. “I’m not going to be able to help you if I’m shaken up, and I’m not saying those guys scared me, but I will admit that I’ve been off my game from the moment I stepped foot in the Bronx tonight for reasons I’m not prepared to discuss.”
There. She’d said it, and the world hadn’t come to a screeching halt. God knows, it hadn’t been easy to admit that weakness to him, but she was running out of time to convince him she needed to be alone as they headed closer to midtown Manhattan in the fast-moving traffic of—she checked her watch—almost 2:00 a.m.
“Nobody’s asking you to be objective tonight, damn it.” Releasing her, Alec shifted a few inches away. Lowering his voice, he spoke much softer than the eastern music blaring on the other side of the cab’s safety glass. “Besides, we don’t know if those guys were just your average carjackers, or if they targeted us for a reason. Until we figure out what the hell is going on, you’re officially part of my nightmare. Understand?”
Of course she didn’t understand. The spots were already returning to her vision the second he stopped holding her. And worse, a wind colder than their attackers’ eyes whipped through her with icy fingers.
As the cab slowed down in front of Trump Tower, Vanessa didn’t have a clue what to say. The only thing she knew for sure was that she would probably pass out in a few minutes if Alec didn’t wrap those arms of his around her again.
He thought
she’d
invaded
his
ordeal? He didn’t know the half of it. And he could just stay in the dark, as far as she was concerned, because she didn’t share her ghosts with anybody.
“Fine.” She’d brazen this out if it killed her because she didn’t have the strength to find her own way home tonight anyhow. “I’ll go with you. But just until we find out who’s behind this.”
Tomorrow she’d call in. File some kind of report that wouldn’t jeopardize Alec if he was telling the truth. Find a way to ward off the well of cold that seemed to radiate from her gut ever since those hands had squeezed into her upper arms and ripped her from the car…
Too late she realized that Alec had already paid the driver and now leaned in to lend her a hand.
“We need to move quickly through the building and don’t look anyone in the eye just to be safe. No sense having anyone remember us if Sergio’s people come searching for us here.” He pulled a twenty from his wallet and shut the cab door behind her. Turning to the cabbie, he waved the bill under the guy’s nose and pointed to the man’s blue trucker’s cap. “Can I buy the hat off you?”
“No problem.” Pocketing the money, the cabbie handed over the hat and took off with a wave.
“Wear this.” Alec scrunched the hat onto her head and tucked her long braid under her jacket. “And keep your eyes on the floor. That way, even the security cameras won’t get a good look at you.”
“What about you?” She didn’t like the idea of Alec taking chances, exposing himself to danger while she remained undercover. Apparently being on the same end of a gun as him had made her more sympathetic to his situation.
“I’ll be fine. I know where the cameras are and how to make sure they don’t get a good look at me. We’ll be on the elevators in no time.” Wrapping his arm around her, he nudged her toward the building.
Vanessa told herself she wasn’t wilting into him because she couldn’t handle this. She was simply giving him cover by hiding half of his body with her own. Right?
Her legs felt like rubber beneath her as they strode through the gilt-and-mirror lobby. A small throng of late-night partygoers were making plans, their shared laughter and raised voices ensuring that no one else paid any attention to the quiet couple seeking the elevators.
A few minutes later, Alec let her into the apartment after explaining he sublet from a lady singer who worked out in the Hamptons all summer and didn’t need her city address. According to Alec, Al Perez had worked out similar deals other years and had earned a word-of-mouth reputation as a quiet and discreet sub-leaseholder when many upscale properties legally wouldn’t allow the arrangement. That way, he never needed to produce identification since the whole deal was under the table for the proprietor.
“Very clever.” Vanessa had always played by the rules as a detective, so it intrigued her how some people could skirt the letter of the law so smoothly. She had the feeling the rental arrangement wasn’t the first time he’d played fast and loose with the system. But right now, his brand of rule breaking seemed pretty tame after someone had nearly shot them tonight. Suppressing another shiver, she wrapped her arms tighter around her midsection. “And I realize we need to talk more about this, but I’m a little wired after what just happened. You think maybe we could just sleep on all this and figure out what’s going on in the morning?”
Her whole body was still shaking so badly he’d notice any time now. She barely registered the details of the spacious two-bedroom apartment overlooking midtown Manhattan. A few things caught her eye in passing. An extravagant crystal chandelier in the foyer gave way to blue silk curtains and crushed-velvet furnishings with a moon theme repeated in prints all over the walls. Sort of New Age or retro Stevie Nicks.
Her tired brain tried to envision Alec sprawled on the velvet sofa, and succeeded a little too well. The picture vied for mental space in her overwrought consciousness with memories of her sister collapsing on the pavement in broad daylight, the acrid scent of smoke burning Vanessa’s nose.
“You’re the cop.” Bolting the door behind him, Alec shrugged, his big shoulders stealing her attention as he moved. “You know better than I do how to shake off the jangled nerves that go along with getting shot at.”
Preoccupied by the tall, stark strength of him, Vanessa wanted to fall right into him. Instead, she peeled off the cabbie’s hat and tossed it on the welcome mat behind her.
“I’m no expert.” She hadn’t meant to admit it, but her thoughts were so scrambled she didn’t have much rein over her mouth. “At least not in a situation where I couldn’t even get my hand on my gun to retaliate.”
She hated that feeling of helplessness she’d experienced only twice in her life. So cold and bottomless.
Shivering, she wavered on her weak legs, wondering how long she could stand here before she catapulted back into his embrace.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Dropping his keys onto a silver tray filled with unlit candles on a narrow cabinet, Alec tipped her chin up to the low light of the Gothic-looking chandelier. “You’re a little pale.”
“Pale?” If that was the only thing that looked wrong with her, it constituted a bona fide miracle. On the inside she was twisted into a train wreck. “I suppose that isn’t so bad after staring down the barrel of an automatic shotgun while praying we didn’t die.” Anger whipped through her along with icy resentment. “And I suppose it’s not a bad way to end up after getting dragged across the pavement by my thumbs, especially since I should have been on the lookout driving through that neighborhood.”
She wished she could feel fiery anger, the kind infused with dynamic purpose and the power to change the world. Instead she felt herself going stiff with the chilly fury that turned a person to static, ineffective ice.
Alec braced her shoulders with his hands, making her remember the way he’d touched her before. So that she felt it right through the ice.
“It’s not your fault.” His dark eyes bored into hers and for a crazy moment, she found herself remembering a few details of the kiss they’d shared.
“I know better than to let my guard down for a second.” Especially in the Bronx.
There’s no place like home.
“People die because of stupid mistakes like that, Alec.”
“And you know what else? People live in spite of them.” He skimmed his hand through her hair now fallen completely out of the braid she’d wound so tight earlier today.
One of many ways she was coming undone.
She wanted to speak, to tell him she knew better since she’d stopped living—
really
living with joy and passion—a long time ago. But his touch mesmerized her, sparking small pinpricks of feeling through the numbness.
For a long moment, she simply soaked in the feel of that touch, the simple assurance that she would bounce back this time. Her eyes drifted closed, the better to savor the warm, vibrant life force that seemed to radiate from him. His fingers coaxed tiny pulses of heat, like mini electric sparks, from the darkness inside her until her legs didn’t feel quite so rubbery. Finally, she pried her lids open again, and found him staring at her intently with that near-black gaze of his.
Reminding her she shouldn’t allow herself to accept any kind of comfort from him even though the allure of him grew stronger by the second. And—God help her— the night hadn’t left her in much condition to battle temptation.
“But this was more than just a stupid mistake.” She couldn’t shake the sense of responsibility for Alec since she’d been in charge of bringing him into the station, and the very real fear that her oversight nearly cost him his life. “This was falling ass-backwards into danger.”
“Nobody gets through life without falling ass-backwards a few times.” Sliding an arm around her waist, he steered her toward one of the closed doors on the other side of the living room. “Not even trained detectives with lethal kick-butt knowledge, you hear me?”
“I’ve trained relentlessly ever since—” She stopped herself, not willing to share anything more personal than what he’d already seen with his own eyes. “For a long time.”
Toeing the door open with his shoe, he led her inside a deep room that smelled vaguely of patchouli and old incense, a scent that wasn’t necessarily so bad. A king-size bed covered with a black satin comforter and silver pillows dominated the space, leaving room for a narrow ebony trunk at the end of the mattress. Gently, he shoved her shoulders down until she sat on the trunk, her overloaded senses soothed by the limited color and calming fragrance. All hail to Stevie Nicks.
“I don’t care how much you trained. If you’d kicked that guy in the balls and taken him out, his friend could have easily gone psycho on us both and mowed down every glass storefront on the block in the process.” His thigh brushed hers as he lowered himself to sit beside her. “You know they were drugged up on something, right?”
Nodding, she remembered the way her attacker yanked her over the concrete with excessive force. Her back still burned from the abrasions. “Sometimes the drugs give them a superhero complex. They act as invincible as they feel.”
“You did the right thing.” He tipped her chin up as he cradled her cheek in his hand.
Her heart pounded again at his touch, reminding her Alec possessed some sort of alchemical power over her, some magnetic force of nature that inevitably drew her close. Sensation swamped her as he drew his fingers across her cheekbone, his thumb straying lower to graze the fullness of her lip.
Awareness crackled through the old numbness, penetrating a barrier she hadn’t broken even in those few manic months of seeking out male companionship in the futile hope that sex would revive her. Make her whole again.
She didn’t know what had happened between her and Alec, but it was too late to deny it, and she couldn’t run away now without jeopardizing them both. Come what may, she would spend the night under the same roof as him and she didn’t know if she could make it to dawn without seeking out that burning blaze that lit his dark eyes from within. How could she get so close to all that heat without finding out for herself if he could work the magic no other man could?