His Wounded Light (13 page)

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“One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it’s worth watching.”

—Gerard Way

Two days after our trip to the beach house, I’m at the race track testing the new wheels. Man, it can fly. Leigh and I decide to rent the track for the entire evening; we get the most unbelievable high on these babies. Smooth, responsive, zero to 100 miles an hour in three seconds flat. The feeling is unreal. And I’m so lucky that my wife is truly okay with this.

That first night on the track, I dial our home number as I pull up into the driveway.

“Baby, are you on the way home?”

“Come outside.”

“Why? What happened? Are you okay?”

“Just come outside.”

I watch as she dashes out the front door and runs down the front steps to the driveway. She pulls open the car door and sees me fully reclined on my seat. Her furrowed brows relax as her lips turn up into a smile.

“Just thought we could do condition number three in here. Tonight. Christen the car and seal the deal?”

“Oh yes!” she exclaims as she steps over the middle console to drape her body over mine.

I’m in the car of my dreams making love to the woman of my dreams. It can never get any better than this.

Sundays at the track after mass have become a normal routine for our family in the past few weeks. I paid good coin to get Isa, Eddie and Maddy special access to the sky box. Sometimes, Isa insists on watching from the stands, but I have to admit that I feel safer with them levels above the track. I’ve gotten a few scrapes and scratches from friction burns or minor bumps—Isa points them out to me when she finds them on my body. Sometimes I want to play them up so that she fusses about me, but I don’t even notice them, to be honest. She’s at ease with things now, although I think those dreams still plague her on some occasions, because I’ll feel her snuggled tight against me in the middle of the night. Or she’ll reach out and take my hand as she lays awake for a few minutes. She’s also been feeling sick from the pregnancy, but she’s so strong and persevering that our routines and the children’s schedules are business as usual for her. We still haven’t told anyone, but since we’re right at the safe mark I’m excited to share our wonderful news with the family.

It’s a Thursday night in July and I’m packing up from work to head out to the track for a practice run. Leigh and a couple of friends are meeting me there. The weather forecast calls for thunderstorms but we figure we would get a few rounds in and then head home once the rain starts falling. I pick up the phone when my private line rings. Penny is gone for the day.

“Hi.” I sit at the edge of my desk, fumbling with the receiver while straightening up my desk. I think I’m going to stay home to spend the day with Eddie tomorrow. He wants to check out some new gaming upgrades for his computer and I promised I would take him to look at them. Maybe we can all spend the weekend at the beach. Work has me keeping odd hours these days and I miss my family.

“Hi, darling. Just wanted to hear your voice before you leave for the track. I’ve asked the cook to make dinner so you can have something to eat when you get home. Eddie and I are heading out to band practice.”

“Sounds good. What time will you guys get back?”

“Not until 9ish maybe? I might take Maddy with me just to get her out of the house.”

“I’ll be home by then. I won’t be long—if I didn’t promise the guys I’d be there, I would’ve passed on it tonight. I’m really tired.” I catch myself. “This has nothing to do with #3.”

She laughs. “Okay, I’ll be waiting for you at home. Be safe.”

“I will.”

“Alex?”

“Yes, baby?”

“I love you so much.”

“I love you too.”

Just as I hang up, Leigh walks in the door. “Ready?”

He had a meeting in my building today and so we’re able to head out together. I swing my messenger bag over my shoulder and start walking towards the door.

Leigh exaggerates a mortified look on his face. “Diggin’ that man purse you’re wearing, dude.”

“Gift from Isa, man. Shut up, it does its job.”

We’re stuck among a sea of cars on the way to the track. Sublime is playing in the background as Leigh maneuvers through the tangled mess of traffic. “Cain was at my meeting today,” he says casually, turning to see my reaction.

“That’s nice.” I keep looking ahead just as a thought crosses my mind. “What the hell is Cain wanting to do that has anything to do with an ad agency?”

“Some shopper retail for his food chains.” He bangs on his steering wheel as another car tries to cut him off. “Dumbass!” he yells, then immediately calms down and keeps driving. He has skillfully managed to get us back in flowing traffic.

“I still can’t believe the night we saw him at the charity event. He was hitting on my wife right before my very eyes!” I’m trying to get a reaction from him. Something. I don’t succeed.

“Bro, he really wasn’t. You’re a paranoid freak. You need to get over it,” Leigh says, keeping his eyes on the road.

What does he know? He married his high school sweetheart.
“Well, you were so busy socializing that you just didn’t notice.”

“Which is what you should have been doing instead of focusing on Isa and someone she went out with ages ago,” he says irritably.

“I don’t know. Let’s just talk about something else. How did Betty survive with Mike being away?”

“She missed him terribly, but Pauline kept her too busy to dwell on it. My little girl’s a handful. She’s an even greater ball of energy than her older sister. Three girls in the house are enough to drive me crazy.” We both laugh.

“Maddy’s that way. Isn’t it funny how every child has a different part of us? They grow up too quickly; I wished they would slow down a little bit.”

“Yeah. We’re getting too old, dude.”

“You’re telling me.”

We pull up to the parking lot and Leigh parks the car; we both jump out to retrieve our stuff from the trunk. The clouds look dark, but nothing alarming. We walk to the garage where our cars are parked and stored.

“So you’re driving Angie home tonight?” Leigh asks as we start strapping into our gear. A few more guys are warming up on the track. We named her Angie because she’s tempting and hot, just like Angelina Jolie.

I nod my head as I shut the shield on my helmet and march towards my car. “A couple of rounds, and then I’m heading home. See you out there.”

The first lap around the track is nice and easy. I’m warming Angie up and trying to get my bearings. Anyone who’s ever been in a car so sleek and powerful knows the thrill and exhilaration of speed. I’m confident and ready to go as I turn on to start my second lap. I glance at the speedometer and I’m clocking 140 mph, all good. A few seconds later, as I approach a hairpin corner, a huge bolt of lightning touches ground right in front of me, followed by a deafening clap of thunder. A deluge of rain blinds me for a moment and before I can react, I’ve hit the two tractor tires lined up against the embankment. My front wheels catch and I’m airborne. I can see myself in slow motion as the car flips in the air, hits the ground and bounces back up.

It’s all happening so slowly, I have time to reflect and pray. The glove box pops open and our folded Terms and Conditions tumbles out; I see myself as a little child, jumping into the pool without water, my trip to Rome, our hotel in Greece, my childhood home in Boston. I see Eddie in my arms just as he is born and my beautiful Maddy baby in her stroller.

“
Oh my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended thee.”

And then I see her. I see her and the stillness takes me over. I see her resplendent face, her flawless body, her flowing hair, her soulful eyes, her elegant fingers.

All I see is her.

I see her everywhere and in everything.

And then I see nothing.

***

***

“Isa, when we see each other again, whether it’s tomorrow or next week or years and years from now. Whenever you see me. Look into my eyes from across the room wherever I am, wherever you are, and know that I LOVE…YOU. That’s never going to change. Look into my eyes now and feel it. It will always be only you, no matter what, no matter when.”

—Jesse to Isabel, The Light in the Wound

Man, am I exhausted. I just got from a business trip and am trying to wind down in front of my TV. Rose is in the kitchen whipping up something for us to eat. I haven’t seen her in a week and I’m slowly admitting to myself that I’m glad she’s here, that we’re living together and engaged to be married. Everything has just been so crazy in the past year that we seem to keep waffling on a date. It will happen soon. I love her. If you knew my life, you would understand how just saying those three words is a huge deal for a guy like me. I’ve been stuck in limbo for too many years, pining over a woman I can never have. And while it’s taken me a long time to accept things as they are, I think I finally have. And I’m not blowing this if it means cutting down on my busy schedule to make room for wedding planning and baby planning and whatever the hell else she wants.