Hold Me (19 page)

“About us having sex,” he began. “I didn’t know you were a virgin. The way you’d talked before, I thought you’d done it, and it hadn’t been very good.”

“Oh. No, I hadn’t done it. Because of the plan. I was saving myself for marriage.”

Emotions flashed across his face. She couldn’t read them exactly, but she could tell he wasn’t happy.

“Just because I didn’t want to have sex with anyone,” she added quickly. “You don’t have to feel bad. It wasn’t for significant spiritual reasons. I just saw what happened all around me. People making really bad decisions because they were having sex or wanted to have sex.”

“Sex is the root of all evil,” he said.

“Right!” She smiled. “So waiting made sense. In a way, you’ve done me a favor. Now when I meet the right guy, I don’t have to have an awkward conversation. I mean I’m twenty-eight. It was time.”

He stared at her for a long time. “You’re more calm than I expected.”

“I like calm. The highs and lows never end well. Better to stay emotionally steady. It’s easier.”

“So you’re not upset?”

“No. It’s odd, I’ll admit. I’m kind of embarrassed. You saw me naked.”

“You look good naked.”

The unexpected compliment made her blush and feel a little proud at the same time.

“Thank you. Um, you do, too.”

“About what we did last night.”

She held up her hand to stop him. “I’m okay, Kipling. But I don’t want to talk about it anymore. It happened. Now we move on.”

“Because you’re still looking for Mr. Sensible? So you can have a nonphysical connection and raise a family?”

When he put it like that, she felt ridiculous, but she nodded, anyway. Because she’d put a lot of thought into her plan, and she knew she was right.

He reached for her free hand. “Destiny, last night didn’t go the way I’d planned. I don’t want you thinking that’s all there is. Sexually.”

She pulled her hand free and stood. “I know. It’s fine. Thank you for worrying. It’s no big deal. I promise. We’ll go on as if this never happened. You’ll see. Just put it out of your mind.”

* * *

K
IPLING
LET
D
ESTINY
walk away because he honest to God didn’t know what to say to her. She defined unruffled. He would guess that most women in her situation would be shrieking or crying or threatening him with a knife. She was acting like it was no big deal.

But it was. It had to be. These days, very few women got to be her age without having had at least one serious boyfriend. And with that kind of relationship came intimacy. But she hadn’t done that. Twenty-four hours ago she’d been a virgin. Now she wasn’t, and it was his fault.

Talk about a problem that needed fixing, he thought. How was he supposed to make things right?

He shifted so he could rest his elbows on his thighs and dropped his head to his hands. Maybe it would be better if she
was
threatening him with a knife. At least he could understand that. But her total acceptance had him baffled.

Unless it was a facade. But she seemed so sure. Was she fooling herself? If he kept thinking in circles and worrying, was he going to turn into a woman?

Nearly as horrifying, he’d left her unsatisfied. Now he was the kind of jerk guy he’d been so smug about. And while that problem could be fixed, he wasn’t sure where to start. Or what to say.

He stood and looked at his watch. He had a meeting with Mayor Marsha in a few minutes to interview another candidate for his second-in-command. Work now, Destiny later, he told himself. Because while she might have accepted what had happened, he was still trying to take it all in. And once he had it figured out, he was going to fix it. All of it.

He walked to City Hall and took the stairs up to the mayor’s office. Her assistant waved him in.

“Right on time,” the mayor said, greeting him with a warm smile then gesturing to the chair by her desk. She was dressed in a purple suit and pearls. “Our candidate is filling out some paperwork as we speak. I have a good feeling about her.”

“The résumé is impressive,” he said, thinking about the file he’d reviewed over the weekend. Cassidy Modene, age thirty-nine. She’d grown up in Wyoming, had worked for the Wyoming State Parks. She trained horses for search and rescue missions, and worked with search and rescue dogs. “She brings more to the table than we’re looking for.”

Mayor Marsha nodded. “You’re thinking of the horses and the dogs.”

“I am.”

“There seems to be some extra grant money, so I thought we might expand our mission statement.”

He wasn’t sure which comment to address first. The steady influx of money or the dogs and horses. In an era of decreasing funds for local governments, Mayor Marsha had started a new and expensive program. Was there a secret money stash somewhere? Did she have rich benefactors? Or was it best that he not ask?

As for the dogs and horses, he was interested. “We’ll have more resources,” he said. “I’m not sure how they’ll fit in with the software we have.”

“I’m sure you can speak to Destiny about it,” the mayor said confidently. “Her company seems to pride itself on providing custom solutions.”

He chuckled. “Special tracking collars on the dogs?”

“Something like that.” Her gaze turned speculative. “I assume you wouldn’t have a problem working with a woman.”

Kipling started to laugh. This time yesterday he would have assured the mayor that he was very good with women. Now he was a whole lot less sure of that. But the older woman wouldn’t want to hear about his personal issues.

“None at all,” he promised, thinking that as long as he kept things professional, he was fine with women.

“I thought not.”

Her assistant knocked once then opened the office door. “Cassidy’s ready if you are.”

Mayor Marsha stood. “Send her in.”

Kipling rose and followed the mayor toward the latest potential candidate for his second-in-command job. While he’d studied her résumé, meeting her in person would tell him a lot more about whether or not she would be a good fit.

Cassidy Modene was about five six with short, spiky blond hair and hazel eyes. She wore a dark blue suit and plain navy pumps. Used to sizing up opponents at a glance, he saw that she was strong and athletic. Not surprising, considering her occupation. She looked capable.

She shook hands with both of them. She wore a plain gold band on the ring finger of her left hand. As the cuff of her sleeve moved with the motion, he caught sight of a rose tattoo on the inside of her wrist.

“Mrs. Modene. Thank you so much for coming to see us here in Fool’s Gold,” Mayor Marsha said, leading the way to the sofas in the corner.

“My pleasure. It’s a nice little town.”

They all sat. Kipling respected how the mayor had maneuvered them. He was next to her on the sofa, with Cassidy perched on the edge of a club chair. Two against one? He was comfortable with his expertise, but hiring wasn’t it. He’d learned a lot from each of the interviews he’d participated in and knew this one would be no exception.

The good mayor lulled with seemingly idle chitchat before effortlessly shifting into more meaty conversation. Often with no warning. She’d gotten one apparently excellent candidate to admit he was more interested in time on the slopes than doing his job. Kipling wondered if Cassidy had any similar secrets to spill.

“You grew up in Wyoming,” Mayor Marsha said.

“Yes. So I’m used to small towns.” Cassidy flashed a smile. “I’m not sure what I would do in a big city. I like the outdoors.”

“I noticed the rose on your wrist. Any emotional significance?”

Cassidy’s eyes darkened. “It’s in honor of my mother.”

Mayor Marsha didn’t say anything. Kipling thought Cassidy would keep talking to fill the silence, but she didn’t.
Score one for the recruit,
he thought.

“Is your husband willing to relocate?” the mayor asked.

“Jeff’s in his last year of twenty with the navy. He told me he wanted me to find him a nice place for his second act. We’re thinking Fool’s Gold might be it.”

Mayor Marsha nodded. “Well, then, tell us about your search and rescue dogs.”

CHAPTER TWELVE

K
IPLING
’
S
KNOWLEDGE
ABOUT
what went on in a gynecologist’s office could easily fit on a three-by-five card and leave room for a recipe. But he’d made the appointment and now found himself in the offices of Cecilia Galloway, MD.

The good doctor was probably close to seventy, with short, steel-gray hair and glasses. She was tall, large-boned and when she raised both eyebrows as if asking why he was here, Kipling had no idea what to say.

“It’s not about me,” he told her.

“I’m relieved. The last time I examined a man, I was in medical school. While I’m sure none of the parts have changed, I doubt I remember how to take care of them.” Dr. Galloway nodded encouragingly. “How can I help you, Mr. Gilmore?”

“Kipling. And, ah, I’m here about a friend of mine. She, ah...” He wondered how much he should say. While he was part of the problem, technically Destiny didn’t know he was here, and he had a feeling she wouldn’t approve.

“I doubt there’s anything you can say that I haven’t heard a dozen times before,” Dr. Galloway assured him. “Just take a deep breath and blurt it out. That’s usually the best way.”

“Right. I have a friend. And we—” No, that wasn’t right. “The virgin thing,” he began, then wished he hadn’t. “After sex...”

He cleared his throat and started again. “If you can deflower a virgin, can she be reflowered?”

The woman sitting across from him blinked. “Excuse me?”

“Can she be made a virgin again?”

He had to give her credit. The doctor’s expression barely moved, although he thought he saw the corners of her mouth shift down, as if she didn’t approve of their conversation.

“How old are you, Mr. Gilmore?”

“Thirty-two.”

“Perhaps if you were with more age-appropriate women, this wouldn’t be a problem.”

“What? No. Shit. Is that what you’re thinking? No. She’s not young. She’s in her late...” He realized he shouldn’t be talking about Destiny in specifics. “She’s not a teenager at all. Not for several years. I’m not into young girls.”

He stood and walked to the window, then turned back. “Look, it’s not what you think. I didn’t know, okay? She talked about not being interested in sex, and I thought she’d been with a bunch of jerks who never gave her an orgasm. But it turns out she was a virgin. And I hadn’t been with anyone in months. Like almost a year, so it was quick, and there was this barrier, and I tried to stop because I kind of guessed what it was but it was too late and then it was over and...”

He swallowed. “Can you put it back?”

Dr. Galloway’s lips were moving for sure, but they didn’t look disapproving anymore. If anything he would say she was trying not to laugh.

“I see,” she said slowly. “I’m pleased to know you’re not preying on young women.”

“I’m not. Ever. That’s awful.”

“Yes, it is. So about your friend. That barrier you felt is the hymen, and while it can be sewn back, I don’t recommend it. From what you said, she hadn’t been avoiding sex for religious reasons. There’s no disapproving family to punish her?”

“No.”

“Then let it be. Did you run out on her? Leave her crying?”

Kipling flinched. “You really hate men, don’t you?”

“Not at all. I’m simply trying to discover the kind of man
you
are. From what I can see so far, you’re a good one. So here’s my advice. Talk to her. Find out why you. Why that night. As for the orgasm she didn’t have, fix it. I assume you know how. If you don’t, I have some brochures.”

He held up both hands. “I know how. No brochures. Please.”

Dr. Galloway smiled. “It will be fine. Although I do recommend that next time you learn a little more about your partner before having sex with her. Did you—”

Her phone buzzed, capturing her attention. “Excuse me. I have to take this.”

“Sure. No problem. Thanks for your time.”

He ducked out while he could and got out of the office without lingering. Once back on the sidewalk, he wished it was a whole lot later in the day because he needed a drink. As that wasn’t possible, he walked the few blocks to Destiny’s office.

She was at her computer, typing intently. For a second, he allowed himself the pleasure of looking at her. Long, wavy dark red hair tumbled over her shoulders. She had on a T-shirt and jeans, with hiking boots. Not sexy, not glamorous, but just looking at her was enough to get him thinking.

Not that they were going to do that anytime soon, he reminded himself. There were a few things that needed to be cleared up first.

She glanced up and saw him.

“Hi.”

“Hi, yourself. How are you feeling?” he asked.

She frowned, as if confused. “Fine. Why? Do I look like I’m getting sick?”

“No. I wasn’t talking about that. The other night—”

She leaned back in her chair and groaned. “Not that again. Kipling, we talked about it. You have to let it go.”

He sat in the visitor’s chair and leaned toward her. “I don’t, and I won’t. Destiny, losing your virginity is a big deal. I don’t know why you chose that moment or me, but that part is done. What I’m concerned about now is making it right.”

Emotions flashed through her green eyes. “It can’t be undone, and I wouldn’t want to undo it. I like that I’m not a virgin anymore.”

“Right. It’s less complicated when you meet your calm Mr. Uptight.”

“You don’t have to say it like that,” she grumbled. “Like you think I’m an idiot.”

“I think you’re underestimating the power of an intimate, sexual connection.”

She rolled her eyes. “Right. It’s powerful and exciting and makes life worth living.” The words were at odds with her bored tone. “I’ve heard it all before, and I don’t care.”

“That’s because you didn’t have an orgasm.”

“I’m not interested. It was fine, Kipling. Really. Let it go.”

Something that wasn’t going to happen, he thought firmly. “I wasn’t prepared, and I messed up,” he told her. “I owe you. If, after that happens, you still believe that sex is dangerous and bad, I won’t mention it again. I swear.”

She sighed heavily. “Why is this so important to you? I don’t need fixing.”

“No, you need teaching.” He thought for a second, then decided to try reaching her from a different angle. “You were amazing on stage that night. Your singing, the vocals. You have real passion when you perform.”

Instead of reacting with pride, she slumped lower in her seat. “I know. It was horrible.”

“No, it was brilliant and powerful. How come you don’t want to do that every day?”

“It’s exhausting and requires me to be vulnerable. There’s rawness in singing like that.”

And no way to protect herself, he thought. Based on the little he knew about her past, he understood that she’d grown up feeling unsafe. As if her world could shift or crumble at any moment.

“You’re not that kid anymore,” he said gently. “You would be able to control what was happening around you.”

“Not enough. Better to avoid the risk.”

“Life without living is boring. It’s beige. What’s the point? You have a gift, Destiny. A chance at the dream.”

More emotion flashed in her eyes. This time he had no trouble reading the annoyance.

“Don’t talk to me about my dreams. You don’t know anything about them. This is my choice. I don’t want to be like them. You have no idea what it was like. No idea about what happened. It was different with Grandma Nell. Life made sense there. It was quiet. We lived by the rhythm of the seasons. With nature. That’s what I want.”

“Nature isn’t quiet,” he told her. “It’s violent and beautiful. Most of all, it’s uncontrollable. You’re denying who you are on so many levels. You have a passionate nature. If you ignore that, you ignore who you are. You still have a chance.”

“Kipling, I...” She stared at him. “Are we still talking about me?”

“Of course. I’m the expert here. Living the dream—there’s nothing better. I know what I’m talking about. You still can.”

“And you can’t.”

Blunt but true, he thought, ignoring the stab of longing for what had been. For
who
he had been. “I had a good run, and I mean that in all senses of the word.”

“I’m sorry,” she said softly. “I get what you’re saying. That I should be grateful. I still have a chance. The thing is, I don’t want it.”

He didn’t think she was telling the truth. Not on purpose but because she was afraid.

“I’m not your problem,” she pointed out. “Let it go. I only want to talk about business now.”

He nodded because he didn’t have a plan. Not yet, anyway. But he would figure one out, and then he would fix the problem. Not just because he’d taken her virginity, but because it was the right thing to do. And maybe, just maybe, because a part of him wanted to. Very much.

* * *

D
ESTINY
DID
HER
best to get lost in her work. She’d completed the mapping, and the information had been fed into the tracking program. Their next step would be to start practice searches.

She had plenty to do, but kept finding herself thinking about Kipling. Avoiding him wasn’t an option—they had a job to do. So far he’d kept things professional. But when they were in the same room, she felt him watching her. Not in a creepy, scary way, but as if assessing the situation. And that made her nervous.

She wanted to tell herself that she was imagining things, only she knew she wasn’t. He was a man who liked to fix things, and explaining that she didn’t have a problem wasn’t going to be enough to dissuade him. The sex thing had really thrown him, although for the life of her, she couldn’t figure out why. They’d done it; she was fine. Let’s move forward. But, no. He wanted her to have an orgasm.

As if that would change anything, she thought as she headed into Kipling’s office. Seriously, how good could it be?

Determined to act like the professional she was, she pushed all personal thoughts aside when she saw a pretty, thirtysomething blonde with spiky hair sitting at the desk across from Kipling’s. Rumor was, the second-in-command he’d hired was a woman. Destiny had been eager to meet her.

The woman looked up and smiled. “Destiny Mills?” she asked as she rose and offered her hand. “I’m Cassidy Modene. I’ve done a lot of research on your STORMS program, and I’m excited to work with it.”

“Welcome to Fool’s Gold,” Destiny said, shaking her hand. “When did you start work?”

“This morning.” Cassidy grinned. “I’m the optimistic type, so I’d already packed up everything I own in my truck. It helps that I’m not much of a pack rat. Having a husband in the navy has taught me that. Mayor Marsha and Kipling offered me the job, I accepted and here I am. My horses will join me in a few weeks. My husband, Jeff, should be here by the end of the year.”

“I heard the program was expanding to include horses and search and rescue dogs. The tech guys back in the computer lab are quivering with excitement at the thought of all the modifications they’re going to have to make. They do love a challenge.”

“I’m with them on that.”

The two women sat by Cassidy’s desk. Destiny wanted to ask where Kipling was, but told herself it didn’t matter. It wasn’t as if she’d been looking forward to seeing him or anything. He was a colleague. Their conversations were always interesting, and she liked the verbal challenge of dealing with him. Nothing more.

Even so, she found herself asking, “Kipling’s not in yet?”

“He stopped by City Hall for a quick meeting with the mayor. He’ll be back shortly.”

Destiny nodded as if the information was mildly interesting and nothing more, then went through the basics of the STORMS program with Cassidy. They moved to the big map on the wall.

“There’s a lot of rugged terrain in the area,” Cassidy said as she traced the city limits. “My horses will be a help. They can go farther and longer than anyone on foot. Plus carry gear.”

Destiny nodded as she typed into her tablet. “You’re right. With more supplies, the searches aren’t as limited geographically. If they have a way to set up camp, they can stay where they are for the night and start fresh in the morning. That gives us a lot of advantages. Also, there’s an easier way to transport injured people to a helicopter pickup site.”

Cassidy turned to her and grinned. “Speaking of helicopters, I’ve met Miles.”

“I thought you only arrived in town a couple of days ago?”

“I did, and he works fast. We met at The Man Cave. He’s a charmer. Me being married and a few years older didn’t seem to bother him in the least.” Cassidy laughed. “Stupid man. I set him straight.”

“Good for you.”

Cassidy turned back to the map. “He’s not my type, that’s for sure. I’ve been in love with my husband since the second I met him. But I have to respect Miles’s ability to go for it.”

“He’s a player.”

“Like I said, not my style. Fool me once and all that. Seems like a fun town, though,” Cassidy added. “I’m looking forward to exploring and getting to know people.”