Holding Out for a Fairy Tale (32 page)

Their glares and callous attitudes just confirmed that he’d made the right choice.

A massive hand landed on his shoulder, the force catching him off guard. His partner Hayes stood behind him, clad in a respectable suit and a soft smile.

“Hey. You came.” Ray had given up hope that the other man might show up.

Hayes had stuck around for the better part of a week, helping him clean his apartment up, install a new security system, and get back into a normal routine again. As great as it had been having his best friend back in his life, he knew that Hayes’s damn cowboy was getting impatient and broody. Ray couldn’t blame the man for getting a bit annoyed by having to share Hayes’s attention. Months ago, Ray would have gotten a kick out of rubbing it in the fucker’s face, but now it just made him feel awkward too. And as much as he appreciated having the help getting his apartment sorted out, he hadn’t had an excuse to hang around Elliot for the last six days. Each night in his empty apartment, he thought about going out to a club and finding company to bring home, and then he thought about calling Elliot instead. Without the case and an army of drug-cartel hit men tying them together, though, Elliot had no reason to put up with him anymore, so each night Ray convinced himself not to bother. Instead, he fell asleep watching TV in the hours just before dawn and dragged his tired self through the days that followed.

It would be better once he got back onto regular shifts, once the interviews and internal affairs crap was behind him.

“Hey, yourself. I see your family is as charming as ever.”

Ray didn’t even have to glance at him to know the exact expression he’d have on his face. Hayes had this way of smiling at grief that always left Ray feeling grounded and stable. Over the years they’d spent working together, Ray had come to do the same thing, and he was always amazed at how the simple act of forcing a smile onto his face could make utter chaos manageable again. So Ray smiled, too. “I don’t have a family. Not anymore. Even Carmen doesn’t want anything to do with me. Sophie was the only one who ever did.”

Hayes squeezed his shoulder tight.

A moment later, a slender hand clasped his other shoulder. Ray glanced to his left, surprised at the way his heart rate spiked. Elliot stepped close to him, pressing his body close to Ray’s without quite hugging him. It was hard not to reach out and kiss him, not to pull him into a hug.

He didn’t dare, though, because they weren’t alone.

He scanned the mass of people behind him, wondering how the hell he’d missed the way the shadows had appeared on the lawn at his feet, silhouettes of dozens of people. His fellow homicide officers, men and women he had worked with in the police department’s gang-enforcement unit, patrol officers he went drinking with so he could keep up on gossip from different neighborhoods, they were all there. His captain and the detectives he worked with on a daily basis were standing right behind him. There were even six members of the bomb squad, dressed in the tactical gear he’d splattered with neon green paint.

“You’ve got a family, kid.” Captain Jenkins smacked him in the back of the head.

“He’s right.” Sanchez ruffled his hair. “You might be the eccentric brother we’re embarrassed to invite to special occasions, but you’re still
ours.
”

“Goddamn it, Sanchez.” Ray sniffled, fumbling in his breast pocket for his sunglasses. “I was totally cool and calm until you came along. Then you have to go all mushy on me, and then I get all mushy….”

She poked him in the back hard. “Being mushy is how we show we care. And speaking of mushy,
someone
had fun with superglue and thumbtacks around your desk. You might want to be careful when you come back on duty. You could end up mushy, yourself.”

“You didn’t….” He managed to keep himself from laughing, but only because it would have been too inappropriate, even for him. He looked at Hayes, who was still smiling. “The woman turns my desk into a thumbtack bed-of-nails while I’m gone, and I don’t think I’m loved. Now I know better.”

“Sounds a little kinky to me.” Hayes glanced back at her with a raised eyebrow. “Didn’t think you’d be into that kind of thing.”

“I have a life outside of work. But this time, I swear it wasn’t me.” She grinned, obviously lying.

Beside him, he felt Elliot chuckle.

“What?” Ray cocked an eyebrow at him.

“Just thinking it takes a special kind of person to make homicide investigation a fun job. You guys are interesting.”

“Now you see why I won’t jump ship? Aside from beating the shit out of each other for a good time, you Feds are kind of dull.”

“Professional decorum has its place,” said Elliot. “I’m kind of envious, though. Most of our guys get transferred every few years. We get to express a preference about assignments, but ultimately we have to go wherever the bureau sends us. It would be nice to build the kind of close team you guys have.”

Behind them, Jenkins cleared his throat. “Well, just be aware. If you start hanging out in the homicide office too much, they’ll stop thinking about you as a guest.”

“He’s right,” said Ray. “Hang around too much, and you’re fair game.”

“Of course, Delgado is the only one you’d really have to worry about, so if you can put up with him, you’re fine.”

Ray opened his mouth, tried to think of some argument that could possibly dispute his captain’s warning, and then shrugged. “Yeah, that’s fair.”

Elliot laughed and squeezed his shoulder tighter. Ray knew he couldn’t hug him, couldn’t kiss him, but he shifted closer to him anyway.

As the distant ceremony came to an end, Ray looked to the men and women who had gone to so much trouble just to stand beside him. He wanted to make a joke about it, to ease some of the awkward tension in his throat, but he was out of jokes. He met his captain’s gaze, the old man’s eyes shining with a concern Ray had seldom seen. “You set this up?”

Captain Jenkins shrugged innocently. He didn’t say a word.

“Of course you set this up. I don’t know what to….” Ray would never be able to express just how grateful he was. “Thank you.”

A slight incline of his head was all Ray would get for a nod, but it spoke volumes.

“Has Internal Affairs decided to let me come back to work yet?”

Another slight nod.

Ray felt like a weight had been lifted from his chest. “You know I make things fun.”

“Fun,” Jenkins agreed. “Monday morning, Delgado.” With a quick half nod, the old captain strolled away. The rest of the homicide office trailed off to their cars.

“
Fun
is the new word for coming up with fill-in-the-blank forms for things like decorating the bomb squad and rigging the copy machine to spit out porn?” Hayes asked.

“How cool is that?” Ray smiled proudly. “I have redefined
fun.
”

Hayes patted him on the shoulder, nodded at Elliot, and left them alone.

Ray turned toward Elliot, hesitating. “Hi.”

“Hi.”

“How’s the remodel going?” Ray asked.

“I have new floors. Dark cherry to match the cabinets. And I’ve been informed by two contractors and my neighbors that I will never, ever be able to unload the house on anybody. Apparently, people getting shot there is something that has to be disclosed when you put a house on the market.”

“People get weird about that kind of thing. It could be a selling point, with the right crowd, though. You know, Goth chicks and vampire fans.”

“I’m okay holding on to it. Even if I get transferred somewhere else in a few years, this seems like a decent place to settle down.”

“It is.” Ray took a deep breath and steeled his resolve. “I could show you around a bit, if you want? Maybe this weekend?”

Elliot grimaced, and the warm grasp he had maintained on Ray’s shoulder vanished. Elliot nodded toward the parking lot, and Ray followed him. “I wish I could. I’ve got to go up to LA this weekend. Maybe some other time, though?”

“Oh.” Ray kept smiling, trying to recall how many times he’d used that line to get someone out of his place the morning after sex. Too many times. “Yeah, okay. I need to go into the office anyway, get caught up on new case files I’ve missed this week. I’ll see you around!” He jogged to his car, hoping he could escape without looking like more of a fool.

He pulled out of the parking lot fast, aiming for the highway where he would have to focus on staying alive in traffic, where he wouldn’t be able to think.

He didn’t know why he was acting like such an idiot. Elliot really didn’t have a reason to put up with him anymore, and he’d made no secret of how much he didn’t want Ray in his life. Ray had never meant to hurt any of the men or women he’d let down the same way, but now he wondered how many of them had felt like he did right now. How many people had read too much into their conversations, too much into the sex?

He felt empty and worthless.

He wanted to feel angry. Anger would have been so much easier, but he was too emotionally exhausted to lie to himself. He was too emotionally exhausted for much of anything.

R
AY
FIGURED
hiding in his apartment and drinking alone to avoid reality just wasn’t healthy. Hiding in his apartment and drinking alone to avoid sobriety was probably fine, and so he stuck with that approach, even if it wouldn’t work forever.

Monday morning he ended up typing up reports about the last two weeks. He signed formal statements for the FBI and made copies for his captain. He couldn’t blame his captain for wanting to keep records of what happened. If Internal Affairs ever decided he was more trouble than he was worth, detailed paperwork would be the only thing that would keep his entire chain of command from being fired along with him. After paperwork, he sat in on the interview of a suspect in a domestic-violence case that had ended in murder, and typed up yet more reports. By late afternoon, he was ready to start bouncing off the walls. He had to find a way to stop thinking about how Elliot had blown him off.

Every time he tried to think of something else, he just ended up thinking about how many times he’d done the same damn thing. He found himself driving by the hospital where he knew Bruce worked. He wandered into the ER, flashed his badge to get the information he wanted, and saw the frazzled young doctor typing away at a workstation in the middle of a cluster of computers.

“Ray Delgado?” Bruce frowned. “I didn’t expect to see you again. You’re not hurt, are you?”

“No. I shouldn’t have come to bother you at work, but I really wanted to talk to you.”

Bruce rubbed his eyes and shoved himself away from the computer. “I was going to grab some coffee anyway.”

At an espresso cart in the hospital food court, Ray bought the other man a latte and bought himself a plain cup of coffee. He took a deep breath and dove right in. “So I wanted to apologize.”

“For what?” Bruce chuckled.

“Everything. For pushing you out the door, not calling, not getting your name right. Not being interested in much besides sex. All of it. I was kind of an insensitive dick that night. Traumatic shit or not, I shouldn’t have treated you like that.”

“Did I say I was looking for more than sex?” Bruce turned the apology back on him. Ray saw a glimmer of what had attracted him to the man in the first place. He had a comforting smile and an easy confidence that Ray found attractive in all of the men and women he’d pursued. Now, though, that confidence was nothing but a reminder of what he really wanted.

“Believe it or not, I wasn’t sure. I’m actually sorry for the whole night.”

“That night was totally fucked-up.”

Ray uncurled fingers he didn’t remember clenching, relieved. “But you weren’t mad at me about it?” Ray asked.

“A little.” Bruce shrugged. “I’m a big boy, though. I can get over shit like a bruised ego pretty fast. Honestly, escaping that night with just a bruised ego was probably a lucky break.”

“Yeah, that was psycho. I’m still sorry. I really was an ass that night.” Ray took a sip of his coffee and smiled.

Bruce finished his in a series of long gulps. “Are you fishing for another chance to hook up, or is this something else?”

“Would you believe me if I said
absolution
?”

“Probably not.”

“Well, it’s recently occurred to me that I’ve treated a lot of people bad. I mean, sex is just supposed to be fun, you know?”

Bruce nodded and took a long sip from his latte. “I couldn’t agree more.”

“But sometimes, I get clingy and people get the wrong idea. People think, when I want them to stay the night, I really want them to
stay
. And I’ve recently been reminded of just how much it sucks to be the one with mixed-up signals in that kind of hookup. It feels shitty. So I figured the least I could do was come apologize.”

“Really?” Bruce gaped at him.

“It’s not that lame, is it?”

“No. No, it’s not. It’s actually kind of cool.”

“No, it’s lame.” Ray kicked at the hospital linoleum, embarrassed. “But in my line of work, if you let go of the whole personal responsibility thing, you end up letting go of everything. Like that Hippocratic oath thing you’re stuck with, I suppose.”

Bruce’s smile softened. “You know, if you ever want to go hit a club together, or just have a bit of fun, you should give me a call.”

Ray knew he was blushing, but it was nothing more than the flush from feeling flattered. “Any other time, I’d love to take you up on that. Not right now, though. I’ve got a lot stuff I’ve got to work through.”

“Were you involved in that big explosion on the news? The one they said was linked to some big money-laundering case?”

“No.” The lie came easily. “No, just personal stuff.”

“Yeah, right. If you ever change your mind, give me a call?”

“Yeah.”

When Ray left the hospital, he felt a bit better. Since hookups were a normal part of most single men’s lives, he knew that the majority of his encounters had been just as casual for his partners as they had been for him. There weren’t many people who had been unhappy with him afterward, but he called the ones he could remember. Of the six people he ended up calling, two of them hung up on him. He managed to leave messages apologizing to the other four, trying to be as polite and neutral as he could.