Holier Than Thou (The Tome of Bill) (26 page)

Then Sheila started to glow.

It figured. What a fucking night.

Witch Way to Go

A soft white glow emanated from Sheila for just a moment. Maybe it was a subconscious reaction to Christy’s energy. I had no way of knowing for sure. Christy, for her part, remained unharmed, but her eyes opened wide. She pulled back as if she had touched something electric.

“No,” she gasped, backing up.

“Uh, did I miss something here?” Tom asked. “Do you two know each other?”

“Didn’t you see that?” Christy shrieked, near panic. “She’s...” Here it comes. “The Icon!”

Ed and I looked at each other, most likely sharing the same thought. It was time to duck because a fireball was no doubt incoming...

“Please.”

What the?

“Please,” Christy repeated, tears filling her eyes. “Don’t hurt my baby.”

Well, if I didn’t feel like an absolute piece of crap before, I sure did now. Getting shitstomped by Turd, the Sasquatch chief, was a piece of cake compared to dealing with stuff like this.

There was only thing that could make it worse.

“Ed, get the door,” I quickly whispered.

“Princess Peach?” he replied to which I nodded. He knew exactly what was on my mind.

As Sheila and Christy continued to face one another, each with a look of abject horror on their face, Ed moved to lock and bolt the door. The last thing we needed was Gan barging in and turning this place into a scene straight out of a
Saw
movie.

“Okay, everybody calm down,” I said. “Nobody’s killing anybody here. Isn’t that right?”

Sheila rounded on me. I took a step backward, and it had nothing to do with her being the equivalent of a human blowtorch to vampires. “How can you even say that?!”

“I...”

“Dude,” Tom said, sliding up to me. “A word, please.”

Oh boy.

He grabbed my arm and dragged me over to his bedroom.

“You two...play nice,” he said, shutting the door on us.

“Bill, I say this as your friend...what the fuck is wrong with you?”

“This isn’t quite how things were supposed to work out.”

“No shit,” he said, turning away from me and fidgeting with the action figures on his dresser.
Man at Arms
was slightly out of line where he stood, flanked by
Zartan
and
Panthro
. Don’t ask. “So, let me see if I have this figured out. The girl who I’ve listened to you whine about...”

“I haven’t whined about her.”

“Correction, whined like a bitch about. So she’s the Icon, the legendary archenemy of vampires who also happens to be destined to kill all magic users...”

“Well...

“Including my pregnant and way overly emotional girlfriend. Is that about right?”

“Destiny is one hell of a motherfucker,” I mumbled in reply.

“Did you know what she was?”

“No. I just sort of stumbled on her wearing King Arthur gear in the street and invited her up for coffee.”

“Not joking, Bill,” he said, turning to face me. He didn’t look particularly pleased, and not in the normal Tom sort of way.

“Yes I knew. Ed did too.”

“How long?”

“About a month,” I replied. Then, after listening and noticing the distinct lack of things blowing up in the other room, I broke into a rambling account of what we had been out doing and why we were there.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because...”

“I’m your friend, or at least I thought I was.”

“I know and I’m sorry. I, Ed and me...we knew you’d tell Christy.”

“Yeah, and?”

“And she’d freak out. I had just gotten her to stop trying to kill me. I’m sorry, but I kind of panicked. I thought she’d tell Decker and they’d hunt her down.”

“Sounds like that’s what happened anyway.”

“Tell me about it.”

“How’d you get away?”

“He sort of wound up...dead.”

“Oh shit. Christy and he were on the outs, but they were still close.”

“I know.”

“What happened?”

“Gan,” was the only word I needed to say.

“She’s not...”

“Outside somewhere, hopefully not turning the neighborhood into a crime scene.”

Tom sat down on the bed and began rubbing his eyes. “What the fuck were you thinking?”

“Do you think I planned this? Come on, man, you know me better than that.”

“Do I? What else are you and Ed hiding from me?”

“That’s it, I swear.”

He stood and walked over to where I was standing. He looked me in the eye, suddenly seeming far older than when last we spoke. “I think you guys need to get out of here.”

“We were just on our...”

“And you need to keep her the fuck away from my girlfriend.”

I opened my mouth to protest that all of the prophecies were bullshit, but I found myself unable to believe it. Things had gotten far too weird as of late. I simply nodded.

“I mean it. I...” he seemed to struggle with the words, his eyes getting all glassy for a moment. “I...love Christy. I won’t let either of you hurt her.”

Whoa! I was sorely tempted to ask if he was sure she wasn’t mucking with his head again, but I had a feeling that would get me little more than a punch to the jaw.

I nodded and turned back to the door. I opened it and stepped outside, immediately stopping at what I saw. I hadn’t known what to expect, but it sure wasn’t this.

* * *

Sheila and Christy sat on our couch, talking and laughing like they were old friends. I looked past them to our kitchen nook, where Ed stood. He simply raised his hands and shrugged.

I walked over to him and quietly asked, “What’s going on?”

“Don’t ask me. I understand women only slightly better than you do. How’s Tom?”

“Ditto on the don’t ask.”

“Kind of figured that.”

We turned back to find him warily approaching the two.

“Are you alright, honey?” he asked cautiously.

“Yeah, I think I am. She took cooking classes at the same school I do.”

Tom continued to look suspicious as the two resumed their conversation. I took the moment to turn to Ed and say, “Let’s get our shit and get the fuck out of here, before things turn any weirder.”

“You don’t have to tell me twice.”

* * *

I made two pit stops before packing. The first was to the bathroom to peel off my blood soaked shirt and jacket, then wrap up my shoulder in a goodly amount of bandages. It had finally stopped bleeding, but thanks to the silver it probably wouldn’t heal up for at least a day. Next was the fridge, where I grabbed a couple pints of blood.

That being done, I quickly packed enough clothes for a few days, sucking down the blood whilst in the privacy of my room. I remembered my adventure up in the Woods of Mourning. At one point, I was badly injured and had seriously considered making a snack out of Ed. This wasn’t nearly as bad, but I wasn’t keen on taking chances. All things considered, I felt I was walking a tightrope between humanity and full-blown monster. I didn’t want to do anything to tip my balance over to the wrong side.

We wouldn’t be able to avoid the situation with Tom forever. No doubt there would be a confrontation in our future that would make his past rants about toys seem preferable. For the moment, though, we had a city full of assassins to deal with and a supernatural storm gathering strength outside. Jeez, talk about stress.

I finished packing and returned to the living room. Sheila and Christy were still chatting. It was oddly comforting to see neither of them letting that whole
destined to kill you
thing get to them.

Ed joined me a few moments later, a backpack in one hand, a long blanket-wrapped object in the other.

“Shotgun?” I asked, already knowing the answer.

“Fuck yeah. These days I feel almost naked without it, especially when I’m hanging around your playmates.”

We both walked over to Tom. I wasn’t sure about Ed, but I sure as shit was treading on eggshells. I had never seen him so serious.

I tried to play it as cautious as possible. “Be careful.”

He nodded. “Thinking of maybe taking her down to my folks’ place for a bit.”

“That’d be a good idea. I don’t think the city is going to be friendly for anyone who knows me, at least for a couple of days.”

“When has it ever?” A small smile cracked on his face. It wasn’t much, but it told me that the Tom I knew was still there. Hopefully we’d get through this - just another blip on the radar of life...maybe.

Sheila and Christy said their goodbyes, still amiable. When she was done, Tom walked us to the door.

As he let us out, I turned and handed him a slip of paper. “This is where we’ll be. It’s a safe house. If anything weird happens...”

“I’ll call you,” he replied.

“Actually call Ed. I lost my cellphone the other night. Long story involving exploding vampires.”

“We’ll have to catch up when this is all over,” he said, then closed the door behind us.

I sighed and started down the stairs. That was part of the problem, wasn’t it? I really had no idea when, if ever, it would be over.

Alone Time

Our apartment had been uncomfortable, but fortunately not dangerous...to us at least. I held out hope that our next stop might be the same. Hopefully it would also be somewhat less likely to involve the police than the first.

We walked out of our building, where I motioned for Ed to escort Sheila back into the SUV. I’m not stupid. I had unleashed Gan upon the streets unsupervised. Sure, I had spared Tom and Christy a rather unpleasant evisceration at her hands, but in doing so I had to wonder what horrors I had inflicted upon my neighborhood.

It didn’t take me long to find her, mainly because she found me first. I had started walking, softly calling her name. I got about two buildings down when a voice hailed me from above.

“Welcome back, my love. Did you deliver swift death upon the witch and her consort?”

I practically jumped out of my skin, wondering where it had come from. Looking up, I saw that Gan clung to the side of an apartment building, at around the third floor level. Her claws were dug into it, giving her purchase. She looked like some kind of fucked up Spider-Man groupie.

“Get down here, Gan!” I had hissed up at her. Jesus Christ, the concept of being subtle was just not in her vocabulary.

“I was keeping watch for our enemies,” she replied, letting go. She fell the entire distance, landing on her feet as if it were a minor inconvenience. “I have already dispatched two spies, no doubt thralls to the vampires who were harassing you earlier.”

“Dispatched?”

“Yes. They shall trouble us no more.”

So much for me winning any future good neighbor awards. Needless to say, we got the fuck out of there as quickly as possible. Much longer and she’d turn my little section of Brooklyn into a mass grave.

A short while later we were in Manhattan again, at Sheila’s apartment building, after another uncomfortably silent drive over. Fortunately, Gan kept her mouth shut - contently staring at me with her puppy-dog eyes. Sheila’s neighborhood was quiet at that time of the morning, dawn not too far off. Still, this was the city. Someone somewhere was awake, probably not too far away. I decided to not risk another bloodbath.

“Gan, roll down the windows and take a sniff, but stay in the car. I’m hoping we don’t need to send up any unnecessary foot traffic just for a few changes of clothes.”

She did so and declared the place to be clear of anything non-human. That was a small comfort. The storm was continuing outside with no sign of letting up. If what Gan had said earlier was true, the non-human population could potentially soar in the near future. But that was a worry for...well, maybe as soon as the next day for all I knew.

It was probably stupid of me, but I didn’t want to risk alienating Sheila any more than I had already done for one evening (which was probably a lot). Guess I still had at least some of my humanity left since I was pretty much making decisions as if I were a smitten teenager.

“Do you want to handle this alone?” I asked her, feeling at least a couple sets of eyeballs stare at me questioningly.

She seemed to consider it for a moment, then replied, “Actually, would you mind coming up? I might need a little help.”

“Really?” I eagerly asked, once again losing an opportunity to play it cool.

She nodded and unlocked the door.

“I must protest,” Benny said from the backseat, where he still sat with Sally. “I cannot allow her Holiness to go anywhere alone with such untrustworthy company.”

To my surprise, Gan agreed. “I must concur with the Templar, Dr. Death. I wish to be witness should you fulfill your destiny.”

You’ve got to be kidding me. I raised my hands and massaged my no doubt soon to be aching temples. “Stay put, Gan. I promise I won’t fulfill any prophesies while I’m gone. I’ll make sure you’re around when I do that, cross my heart.”

“Thank you, beloved!” she replied brightly, causing Sally to snort a quick burst of laughter from the backseat.

“Stay here, Ben,” Sheila said. “I’ll be okay.”

“You should take your sword,” he replied, “just in case.”

She threw a glance at me and I nodded. If it would keep current company from throwing a hissy fit, what did it matter?

* * *

She pulled off her cloak and wrapped the sword in it. Icon or not, it would be just our luck to run into a cop. Nobody would be fulfilling any destinies if we all found ourselves on the inside of a jail cell.

“Just watch where you’re swinging that thing,” I joked, following her up the stairs to the front door.

“I’ll try,” she replied, putting her key in the lock.

“Where did you learn all the Inigo Montoya moves anyway? Must have taken you years.”

“Huh?” she asked, still working on the door.

“The sword. I would have never taken you for a fencing aficionado.”

“I’m not. I had never even picked one up until about two weeks ago.”

“Really?” Hmm, wonder if that was some kind of Icon power. Seemed likely. Despite what many of us might fantasize, one does not typically pick up a sword and immediately become Conan the Barbarian.