Home From Within (25 page)

At first Jessica, Paulina, and her father would go fishing at the creek on Aunt Lodi’s property. Paulina was three and an easy buffer against any personal moment her father may have wanted to share with Jessica. Paulina continued to be a constant companion between the three of them, so alone time with her father could remain in short supply. Once Jessica moved in with Matt, Paulina was eleven and became more independent, spending time with friends and sports. So when Jessica’s father would visit the farm, she thought riding the horses would be the best way to brave the time. Their moments together were quiet, sometimes uncomfortable, making talk around nature and the weather. Jessica decided that his effort with Paulina, which was more loving than she had ever remembered him being toward her, was his way of trying to smooth things out.

Her mother would visit once a month for a few days and it turned the cabin heavy.

“Lodi, do you think that’s a wise suggestion?” she would ask in a light but hierarchical way.

Aunt Lodi would never address her slights outright, but instead made jokes, trying to make her laugh. But Jessica saw the twitch in the corner of Aunt Lodi’s eye, and knew that if she spoke her mind, it would probably be something like, “keep your nose out of things you cast away.”

Jake’s friends were waiting on the front porch to help unload all his belongings and Jessica felt exhausted after the long day of driving and moving, plus only getting a few hours of sleep. At least that would be the natural assumption. Deep down she knew the true reason she felt so burned out—memories. She plopped down on the well-worn recliner and closed her eyes. Jean was right; she and Matt needed a night out with friends. Matt was a private person and did not like crowds or a lot of noise, which was fine with Jessica; she usually felt the same. But in the last year, a constant gnawing kept her from feeling comfort in their routine life and kept her from making a commitment, despite love from a very safe man. Jessica was unsure if she was bored. Sometimes she felt like the relationship needed something more, something exciting.

In the beginning Jessica took refuge in Matt’s calm and predictable presence to help heal pieces of her life. Matt’s heart also needed mending after the loss of his wife (and high school sweetheart) to cancer. Jessica believed they came together because of grief, but fell in love because of safety. They shared his farmhouse for the last seven years as an unmarried couple, but Matt was talking more about marriage and children. Jessica was thirty-four, and while still young enough to have children, the thought made her feel faint.

Jessica was fading into sleep as she ran through an incident that had happened last week. Matt was having a beer with his brothers in the barn. Jessica felt tired and turned in early; Matt soon followed. He tried to make love to her, but Jessica thwarted him. He lay next to her, looking up at the ceiling with his leg hanging over the side.

“Jessica, what’s wrong?” he asked quietly.

She lay with her back toward him, holding in her tears. “Nothing,” she said, trying to convince herself too. Jessica could tell he was a little buzzed because he hardly ever drank or initiated meaningful conversations.

“Sometimes,” he said, after a few minutes, “it feels like you’re miles away from me.”

“Because I went to bed early?”

He turned his head toward her back. “Can you please look at me?”

Jessica let out a sigh and slowly turned her body toward the ceiling, eventually looking at him.

“What’s wrong? And please don’t say ‘nothing’ because I can see it on your face.”

Jessica smirked; he was accurate about that despite being in the dark. But how could she enlighten him when she felt so clouded? The one thing she was aware of was the ache she carried for the last seventeen years was not diminishing and, in fact, was getting stronger. Before she could respond, Matt spoke.

“I know you feel like you don’t deserve a happy life.”

Jessica’s eyes became watery. Matt was too easy to cry in front of despite her gut instinct to never show tears to anyone.

“You
have
forgiveness. You have prayed more than anyone I know. Don’t you think it’s time to move
us
forward?” Jessica heard him gulp and then reach for her hand under the blanket. “I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you as my wife. And I want children with you too.”

Jessica returned his squeeze; she decided to do the opposite of what her mind was telling her, which was to pull away and get the hell out of there. She had learned from prior experiences that the mind is not always right.

“Matt,” she said quietly, “I know you love me.” Jessica paused for a moment. “Sometimes I feel alone even though you’re around. I have an ache that persists no matter how happy I tell myself I should be.”

“Not should,
can
be. You did nothing wrong to make God punish you to a life of waking misery.”

Jessica appreciated the words, but her insides did not feel the same way. “I need more time.”

Matt’s voice eventually broke the silence. “More time to think about marrying me or more time to decide that you deserve forgiveness?”

Jessica thought for a minute and answered as truthfully as she could. “Both.”

She could feel Matt’s hurt but could not lie to him.

He lifted her hand to his lips and kissed it gently. “You know where I stand. I just wish you’d stop making me compete with the past.” And with that, he turned over and eventually fell into a heavy sleep. Jessica wound her head with his words, unable to sleep the rest of the night.

C
hapter
20

“Oh, hey,” Jessica said, feeling dazed from recounting memories. She pushed the recliner up, and Matt planted a kiss on her lips and then gave her a hug when she stood.

“Sounds like you worked hard today,” he said in her hair.

Jessica fell into his hold; it felt really calming.

“Yes, I think I may have lost a few pounds in the process,” she mused, pulling away from his embrace.

Jessica took a good look at what he was wearing. Matt would often show up to social outings wearing clothes he wore in the fields, so she was pleasantly shocked upon seeing the dark wash jeans and button-down plaid shirt she bought him from the Eddie Bauer catalog. Jessica saw Matt catch a glimpse of her inspecting his clothes.

“See, I remembered that this goes with this,” he said, pointing from the shirt to the jeans.

Jessica pecked him on the lips. “You look great.”

Ray’s shoulder and arm were in a sling, but his legs needed a stretch despite Jean’s numerous requests that they drive to dinner. The four of them walked ten minutes to Murphy’s Pub, located in the historic business district of town. The district ran four blocks and included a couple of restaurants, a dive bar, used bookstore, boating supplies, and of course a gun and ammo supply store. As they walked, Matt and Jessica held hands, and she listened to the men discuss small town business and farming. She felt both bored and soothed by the banter, like coming home to a place you never thought you would miss. Matt sped up his step to open the door to Murphy’s for everyone.

They made their way to the couches gathered around the thick stone fireplace so they could wait in comfort for a table. Before sitting down, Jessica and Matt peeked in the dark green and wood room that held pool tables, shooting games, and an array of dartboards. Jessica and Matt used to go to Murphy’s once a week when they first started dating to hang out with Matt’s brothers and friends who loved to talk trash, drink, and play pool. Jessica liked the fact that, while Matt had a good time, he did not need to participate in all their rowdiness. That was not in his nature. Jessica could see in his face, after two beers, that all he wanted was to go back home and ride the horses with Jessica at his side.

After an array of Irish fare including shepherd’s pie, bangers and mash, plus a couple of pints of Guinness and cider, everyone was laughing and being silly, even Jessica.

“Ohmigod, they have karaoke tonight,” she exclaimed.

Jean almost spit out her beer. “Well, I’ll be. I think you’re drunk.”

“No, I’m not,” Jessica said, sitting up straight in her chair. “I am perfectly sane . . . in the membrane.”

Matt started laughing at her. “This is going to be fun. Do you plan on singing in front of everyone?”

“No, darling, you are,” she said playfully.

“Matt, did you ever hear the song that Jessica used to daydream about in which a boy who loves her would sing to her?”

Jessica’s mouth dropped open. “Jean, that was between me, you, and Prince.”

Matt looked surprised. “What’s this about?”

Jessica took another gulp of the cider Ray bought her; it was her fourth one.

“Well,” she said, trying to focus her eyes. “Way back, when I was a big city girl, me and my best friend Marilee snuck out to see
Purple Rain,
you know the movie with Prince?” Matt and Ray looked lost.

“Come on, you know Prince . . . purple rain, purple rain . . .” she sang off pitch.

“I remember it a bit,” Matt laughed.

“Well, anywho, there was this song that he sang to his love, Apollonia
.
”

“Apple what?” Ray interjected.

“Don’t interrupt the story, Ray,” Jessica said.

“Sorry,” he muttered, turning to Matt as they both started laughing.

“Oh, now where was I? Oh, okay, so . . .”

The stream of consciousness was being filtered, at first, by her strong self-discipline. However, like anything controlled from within, it collapsed with the overflow of cider.

“Paul was supposed to sing that song to me.”

“Who’s Paul?” Ray asked, and then was hit in his healthy arm by Jean.

“We were supposed to be together ‘now and forever,’ ‘now and forever,’” she said.

Matt leaned over and tried to pull Jessica away from the table and escort her out the door. Past experiences taught them both that alcohol and Paul did not mix well together.

“No, Matt. I don’t deserve all this. He’s dead because of me.”

“What the hell’s going on?” Ray asked, with his stare barreling down on them both.

“You should take her home
now,
” Jean said.

“I don’t wanna go home,” Jessica cried.

Matt stood up and pulled Jessica into his body so he could handle any resistance. Her head fell low as she quietly cried, tears dropping onto the scuffed wood floor.

On the drive home, Matt pulled his truck over three times, so Jessica could throw up on the gravel that ran along the two-lane highway. He held her hair as she choked out past pain and her present embarrassment.

Matt carried her into their home, undressed her, and placed her on her stomach in bed. He got the garbage can from the bathroom and placed that on the floor, right under her face, then curled up beside her limp body to keep a watchful eye on her all night long.