Homewrecker (Into the Flames #1) (7 page)

How could I have done this to him? To us.

“You rushed right into the bathroom, babe. You feelin’ all right?”

I step back, trying to put some distance between us because I’m afraid he will be able to sense how guilty I am. “Fine,” I mumble.

“You sure?” Closing the distance I put between us, Gunnar cups my jaw, tilting my face to look into my eyes. Concern fills his features and I feel about two inches tall having him worried about me after what I’ve done.

Forcing a smile, I nod. “I am. Just tired and need coffee.” Brushing him off, I press a kiss to his jaw. “Go ahead and finish getting ready for work. I’m going to clean up some in here. Do you want coffee?” I ask, turning towards the sink full of dirty dishes I meant to do last night before bed.

“No, thanks, babe.”

Dixon leans back against the counter next to me when Gunnar leaves the room to get ready for work. Having him this close makes me nervous because who knows what he’s going to do. His arms brushes mine just as I slide the sponge into the glass. I jump, trying to get away from him quickly, and end up shattering the glass against the edge of the sink.

“Motherfucker!” I hiss when a shard of glass slices the palm of my hand under my thumb.

Just like the fucking hero he is, Dixon jumps into action without hesitation. He presses against me from behind and rinses the blood clear from my hand. Stooping down, he whispers in my ear.

“If you don’t calm the fuck down and act normal, he’s gonna figure out what happened. You’ve never jumped when I’ve touched you before. If you start now, your marriage is over.”

I take a deep breath, trying to calm myself down because I know he’s right. I know that if I change the way I used to act, everything I have will all go down the drain. It was one night. One night that meant nothing, but can ruin everything if we screw up. Dixon shifts to the side so he can see my hand better but rests his head against mine and quickly kisses my cheek.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers.

For the first time since we got here, I make eye contact. The cockiness from this morning is gone, replaced by something else. I’m not sure what, but it makes me believe his apology is sincere. After a few seconds of doing nothing but watching me, he finally turns his attention back to my bleeding hand. He pulls the glass out and reaches over me to grab the first aid kit.

“What the hell happened?” Gunnar asks when he walks back into the room.

“I slipped and dropped a glass, cut my hand. I’m OK, but you’re going to be late for work.”

Gunnar hesitates, looking from me, to my hand that Dixon is still doctoring up, and back to my face. “You sure?” he asks, running his fingers gently over my cheek. Yeah, gently. I can practically hear Dixon laughing at me in his head.

“I got her, man,” Dixon speaks up, never taking his eyes off my hand. “Go to work.”

I try not to let Gunnar know that I’m nervous about being alone with Dixon. Looking up at him, I try my best to smile. “Go, I’m fine. I got called into work anyway so I won’t be here long.” Leaning in, he brushes his lips across mine before turning away and disappearing. Once the door shuts, and his truck pulls out, I finally breathe a bit easier. This is a hell of a lot harder than it should be.

“Your pulse is racin’, Kennedy.”

I pull my hand away and stand up to grab my keys the second I notice that Dixon is done taping the bandage in place. “No shit.”

“You’re going to have to learn to be a better liar than this.”

I glare at him. “I wouldn’t have to lie at all if—”

“If I didn’t fuck you,” he cuts me off and stands up. “Yeah, I get it, Kennedy. I’m the bad guy in this situation, feel free to blame me if it makes you feel better. But here’s the thing. I didn’t see you pushin’ me away very hard last night. I feel like shit about it too, but I know it was a choice that we both made. So you better learn to either lie better, or forget that it happened, because I’m not losin’ a friend because we fucked up.”

His words linger in the air between us for a few seconds before he turns and walks out. I wait for his truck to start and back out before heading for my car. I need to sort out the fucked up thoughts in my head. I need to hash this out with someone whose heart isn't on the line and can be completely rational without telling me I'm a total idiot, someone who won’t tell everyone who is willing to listen.

I need Lynsey.

***

“Was it good? Please tell me that he isn’t all talk and he can actually back up the shit he claims to be able to do.”

I stare blankly at Lynsey. After an hour of talking to her, trying hard not to cry over the mess I’ve made of my life with one stupid mistake, I’ve realized that she’s no more help than talking to myself. With her hands on her hips, she stares me down until I give in, cover my face, and nod.

“Fuck!” she groans loudly, fanning herself with one hand. “What are you going to do?”

“I’m married, Lyn. What do you think I’m going to do? I’m going to go home and hope and pray my husband never finds out. If it takes avoiding Dixon, that’s what I’ll do.”

“Oh yeah? And how the hell do you plan on doing that? We’re together all the time. It’s how it’s always been and if you suddenly start avoiding him, Gunnar is going to suspect something.”

“Well then what the hell do you think I should do? Walk in and say, ‘Hey guess what? Not only am I’m a cheating whore, but your best friend is a sleazy bastard’, and hope for the best?”

“No, that will do nothing but put you on the fast track to divorce court. You need to figure out what you’re going to do about it. It’s obvious to me that he gave you something you need that Gunnar doesn’t.”

“Gunnar gives me everything I need,” I lie.

“Oh bullshit. Even I know there’s something missing and it sure as fuck isn’t a damn baby. The last time I asked you to stock anal plugs I thought you were going to orgasm by just looking at them.”

My face heats and the bitch laughs at me. “So if you can realize it, and Dixon caught on without me saying anything, why doesn’t Gunnar notice it?”

“People only see what they want to see, babe, and he probably does see it but maybe he thinks it’s in his head and is afraid to say anything. He won’t change unless you speak up. Hell, he might not even change then because he’s comfortable with the way things are between you guys.” She shrugs and goes back to counting the bright orange Pocket Rocket vibrators on the shelf in front of her. “I say if you truly think Gunnar gives you everything you need and you’re still unsure, you do him again just to make sure that it was the alcohol. Maybe it’s something you just needed to get out of your system. I’ve told you before that I would take care of you if you needed something Gunnar wasn’t giving you.”

For the first time all day, I laugh. “I don’t need a Domme, Lyn. Thanks though.”

“Maybe not, but I think you need someone who isn’t going to treat you like you’re glass. Maybe that’s why you can’t stop thinking about it. Dixon’s never treated you like you were going to break.”

“I cheated on my husband, Lynsey!”

“Yeah, you did, and you know that I don’t condone going behind his back. Gunnar is my friend too, but it happened and it was either just a stupid mistake because of alcohol, or because he isn’t giving you something you need. You have to figure it out.” She stops what she’s doing again and turns around, crossing her arms over her chest. “And contrary to what you might think, you aren’t a bad person because you made a mistake. You can’t go through life making choices based on what other people are going to think of you. Yes, Gunnar makes you happy and you love him. I get that, and this situation doesn’t change that. But contrary to what Gunnar believes, it isn’t a baby that’s missing from your life right now. But if you go through life denying yourself something vital to your existence, and tell yourself that you don’t need it because you’re afraid of how it will make other people feel, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life. You’ll be resentful toward Gunnar and yourself for suppressing something you need because you’re afraid of hurting him.”

“I’m not a bad person?”

“Nope, not a bad person.”

“So what do I do now?” I ask.

“Whatever the hell you need to. Wanna keep living with that part of you missing? Go for it. But sooner or later, you’ll crack and fall apart. Think you need to fuck Dixon again and figure out if you need it? Or if it was something you just needed to get out of your system? Do it. Fuck him again and figure it out. Do whatever you want. Who the hell am I to judge anyone?”

“Enabler, much?” I ask, taking a deep breath.

“That may be the case, babe,” she agrees. “The thing is, I’m not gonna sugar coat it for you. You asked my opinion, there it is.”

As I had hoped, I breathe a bit easier after talking with Lynsey. Just knowing that I have her to talk to always makes decisions like this a bit easier, even if I don’t get a definitive answer. Ultimately, the choices make for my life are always left up to me. I may not know what to do yet, and I may still feel like shit for doing it behind Gunnar’s back, but her words continue to bounce around my head and make me feel a tiny bit better to have been able to talk it out some.

By the time I get home Gunnar still hasn’t gotten home from work. The house is quiet— too quiet—and the silence is deafening. The last thing I want to do is continue thinking about everything that happened last night. The memories will flood back vividly if I let them, and right now, I can’t let them. I’ve gone through every single emotion imaginable today leaving me wrecked beyond belief.

Putting my iPod on the deck, I blast my playlist and open all the windows, deciding that I’ll finish cleaning the house and make Gunnar’s favorite for dinner. I scrub the kitchen and bathrooms, mop all the floors, and start putting together a homemade lasagna for dinner. I mix up everything I need to make a loaf of the parmesan herb bread that he loves so much and put it in the oven before I start setting the table.

After I’ve lit candles, I start throwing a salad together just as I hear Gunnar’s truck pull into the driveway. “Hey, babe, how was your day?” he calls, shutting the front door. I hear him drop his stuff to the floor then he’s standing in the doorway smiling at me.

“Same as usual,” I reply, smiling back at him as I toss the salad. “You?”

Walking around the counter, he swipes a carrot from the salad bowl in front of me and pops it into his mouth. Wrapping his arms around me from behind, he nuzzles my neck and I jump a bit in surprise. “Team’s workin’ real hard, it was a good practice. Mmmm, something smells good.” Leaning down, he opens the oven and groans. “Did you make me lasagna?”

“Mhm,” I reply when he closes the oven and tightens his grip around my waist. His lips press to the sensitive skin behind my ear, making my eyes close.

“What’s the special occasion?” he breathes.

“I thought since you’ve been working so hard with the team that you may need it,” I lie, feeling two inches tall once more, knowing that it was guilt that had me making all his favorites tonight.

“Mmm… Ten minute shower,” he says, pressing his lips to my shoulder. “Then I’m all yours, baby.”

Gunnar releases me and heads out of the kitchen, switching off the iPod deck as he passes it, effectively leaving me alone with my thoughts as I finish up dinner. Slicing the bread, I add some butter to a few slices before taking the plate out to the table.

I can’t help thinking about the differences between Dixon and Gunnar and wonder why in the hell I let myself get into this mess to begin with. I’ve never been interested in Dixon that way, have I? For as long as I can remember it has always been Gunnar. It has to have been all the shit going on in my head lately mixed with all the alcohol I had. It was a mistake—a horrible mistake— that should have never happened in the first place. That’s the only reason to explain my temporary insanity.

The only problem is, what if it’s not?

Could there really be this whole other side of me that is begging to come out? Is that even possible? If so, what in the hell am I going to do about it? I can’t even begin to process this shit in my head, let alone try to talk to Gunnar about it. The one thing I do know for sure is he can never know what happened between Dixon and me. Not only would it kill him to know that I have been unfaithful, but finding out it was with his best friend, that would be the ultimate betrayal...

With all of our families spread out all over the country, except Gunnar’s dad, our group is a vital family unit. It’s our main support system and none of us can afford to lose that. This is just something I’m going to have to deal with. Will it make being around Dixon hard? Yeah, more than likely. But, I’m willing to do whatever it takes to protect Gunnar from this shit.

Pulling the lasagna from the oven, I make our plates before taking them to the table. I pour myself a glass of red wine and open a beer for Gunnar just as he walks out in a pair of baggy workout shorts.

“That smells fuckin’ amazing,” he says, sitting down at the table beside me. “I forgot to grab lunch so I’ve been starvin’ all fuckin’ day.”

“These fuckin’ shorts have been taunting me all day… All. Fuckin’. Day...”