Authors: S. Walden
“You’re welcome.”
***
The bell rang and she got up to leave.
“May I walk with you?” he asked.
She nodded, and he fell in step beside her as they made their way down the hallway. Students gawked, and she didn’t care.
She reached her locker and opened it. She changed out her books as he watched her. When she was through, she closed her locker and waited. She didn’t know what he expected her to do.
“I’ll be seeing you, Clara,” he said, and walked off.
***
They were in the middle of another silent lunch when she sneezed.
“God bless you,” Evan said.
“Thank you,” she replied.
He went back to eating his pizza, and she couldn’t stand it.
“Why are you sitting with me?” she asked.
“I don’t know,” he replied.
She didn’t talk for the rest of the lunch period.
***
He caught up to her at her car. She was searching for her car keys.
“Hey,” he said tentatively.
She looked up from her purse. “Hi.”
“I didn’t sleep with her,” he blurted. “Amy. After you and I broke up. I didn’t sleep with her. It was a rumor that started. I just didn’t deny it.”
Clara stared at him.
“I just wanted you to know,” he said, then walked to his car.
***
He came into class early. She was already in her seat. He sat down beside her and pulled out his notebook.
“I didn’t mean it,” Clara said. “When I said I wasn’t sorry for what I’d done. I didn’t mean it.”
“I know,” Evan replied softly. He chewed his lower lip, thinking. “I’m sorry about the dress, Clara. I didn’t know what to do. I made the wrong choice because you’re right. I’m selfish.”
Clara shook her head. “I was scared,” she said. “I was scared of everything. Ms. Debbie died. The only adult who knew. She took care of us, you know? She helped us when she could. But then the second delinquency notice came for the property tax, and I was afraid they’d take our house away. I didn’t know what to do. I was terrified of being homeless, and I didn’t make enough money.”
Evan closed his eyes. She had never revealed the details to him, and he realized he didn’t want to hear them. They were too painful.
Clara swallowed hard. She hadn’t felt any real, strong emotion in weeks.
“I was desperate,” she whispered.
“I know, Clara,” she heard him say as the bell rang.
***
“I didn’t want to lose you,” Evan said at lunch.
Clara looked up from her book.
“It was stupid, but I thought I would lose you either way,” he said. “If I told you about the dress at your house, you would be so embarrassed that you wouldn’t want to see me anymore. I chose wrong. I was hoping no one at prom would even notice, but I convinced myself that Amy and her friends weren’t that cruel. Because I’m an idiot.”
Clara thought for a moment. “I wouldn’t have stopped seeing you if you told me. I would have been mortified, yes, but that wouldn’t have made me break up with you.”
“I made such a big mistake, Clara,” he said. “I wish I knew how to apologize in a way that’s bigger than words.”
Clara nodded. It was too much for her to talk about over sandwiches and milk. She tried for something light.
“Would you like one?” she asked holding out a tater tot.
“A peace offering?” he replied.
She shrugged, and he took it.
***
“I thought about you all the time while you were away,” Evan said before class started.
Clara looked at the wall beside her desk to hide her face. Amy had made fun of her in the hallway, and she fought back and won. She no longer cared what everyone thought of her mental breakdown. Except for Evan. She was embarrassed about it with him.
“I was scared for you,” he went on. “And I thought it was all my fault.”
Clara stared at the wall as she replied.
“I get it from my mom,” she said quietly. “It didn’t really have anything to do with you. It’s . . . it’s a chemical thing. That’s what they told me, anyway. I think what happened with us just kind of helped along the inevitable. It was going to come either way, like after Christmas.”
“Oh.”
They were silent. Clara finally turned to face him.
“I heard voices,” she said. She didn’t understand why she told him that. She thought maybe he needed to know just how crazy she really was. She wanted to be honest about everything.
She waited for him to get up and leave. For good.
“Did you hear my voice, Clara?” he asked. “Because I talked out loud to you all the time.”
“What did you say?” Clara replied.
“I told you I loved you.”
***
She closed her locker and turned around. He was standing there staring at her, a look on his face she’d never seen. He was wrestling with something, but she didn’t know what it was.
He approached her and cupped her face in his hands. He looked into her eyes searching them. His brows were furrowed as he looked at her, searching, searching the hazel until he discovered it. And then his face relaxed, lit up, and he bent his head to kiss her tenderly on the lips. It was long and slow and gentle. It demanded nothing. It forced nothing. It forgave and asked for forgiveness.
Evan was pulled away by a teacher. Clara heard “no physical contact in this school” as he was ushered down the hall, walking backwards and stumbling into students because he refused to walk face forward and turn his back on her.
***
She waited by her car for him. She hoped he would come. How could he not after kissing her in the hallway? She needed to feel his lips again, taking her back to a place before their fight, and her breakdown, the hospital, and her loneliness.
She saw him in the distance. He was coming. She itched to go to him. She couldn’t stand it. She saw him running, and then she moved. Fast and stumbling and then she crashed into him before she knew it, her body crushed against his chest, his arms holding her desperately, afraid to let go. She cried like she did before the pills, spilling the tears into his shirt, and she heard his sob, felt his body shake with it, and thought that she was holding him up so he wouldn’t collapse.
“Clara,” he cried, his voice strangled and strange. “I’m sorry.”
He cupped her face, and she watched as the tears poured from his peridot eyes, running down his cheeks and falling on to her. He kissed her forehead, her eyelids, her cheeks and chin. He kissed her lips hard, and she clasped her hands around his wrists, held onto him as he kissed her with a force she’d never felt. He meant to bruise her, and she wanted him to.
“I’m sorry,” she said over and over into his mouth, tasting his tears, her tears at the corners of her lips.
He picked her up, and she wrapped her legs around his waist. He carried her to her car and set her on the hood. He pressed her hard against him, hearing her moan as he sucked her neck, pushing himself harder in between her legs until she cried his name.
“I want you to always say my name, Clara,” he said looking down into her eyes. “Will you do that for me?”
“Yes, Evan,” she said softly, wiping underneath of his eyes. She pulled him gently to her lips.
He opened her mouth with his tongue and found hers, playing with it until she squirmed with heated sexual desire. He pressed his hips harder into her, and she pushed back wanting him to take her there, on the hood of her car, in the student parking lot.
She felt him dragged from her, heard a familiar “no physical contact in this school,” and Evan’s protests that they weren’t
in
school but outside of it.
“Wise guy,” the coach said as he escorted Evan into the main building.
Clara sat on her car watching Evan grow smaller with the distance between them. He turned around and flashed her a smile.
“I’ll be seeing you, Clara!” he shouted.
And she smiled back.
“Your roommate sounds awful!” Beatrice said, her face screwed up in an unattractive grimace.
“He is,” Evan replied. He sat beside Clara and Beatrice on the soft spring grass surrounded by the honeysuckle vines.
“And he rarely showers,” Evan went on. “That’s unpleasant, too, when you’re living in a 12 x 12 cell.”
Clara giggled at Beatrice’s shocked reaction.
“But he’ll be out of my life soon, and there are other things about college that are fantastic,” Evan said. “Like my class schedule. I don’t have to report until eleven.”
Beatrice sighed dreamily. “I can’t wait to go to college,” she said. “Do you have a lot of homework though?”
“Yes,” Evan replied. “A lot.” He turned to Clara and smiled.
“I bet Clara will go to Maryland to be with you,” Beatrice said teasingly. “She got accepted, you know.”
Clara cocked her head and scowled playfully at her sister. Beatrice giggled.
“I’m hoping she does,” Evan said, and took Clara’s hand in his. Clara blushed. Even after everything, she blushed.
“Are you excited about prom, Clare-Bear?” Beatrice asked.
“Mmhmm,” Clara replied.
“I bet you’ll be the only girl there with a college boy!” Beatrice exclaimed. And then she clasped her tiny hands and rested them on her cheek. “Oh, Clara. Won’t it be so romantic walking into the dance with your college boyfriend? Won’t all the girls wish they were you?”
Clara laughed. “I don’t know that any girls at school wish to be me. But it’s a sweet thought.”
“Oh, I’m sure they do! Too bad for them that they don’t have honeysuckles,” Beatrice replied, and then added, “Speaking of, it’s time to get down to business.”
Evan leaned over and planted a light kiss on Clara’s cheek.
“Okay you two,” Beatrice said waving her hand. “Now Evan, we’ve explained everything. And since you’re new, you get to go first.”
“That’s awfully generous of you,” he said and plucked a flower.
Beatrice tried to wait patiently as Evan thought of his first wish. But he took too long.
“Evan, you were supposed to come prepared,” Beatrice said.
“Wow, really?”
Clara laughed.
“Would you like one of us to go while you think?” Beatrice asked. She really was all business.
“No no,” Evan replied. “I’ve got this.” He looked at Clara as he made his first wish. “I wish that tonight is really fun, and romantic, and everything Clara wants in a senior prom.” He sucked the juices from the bottom of the flower.
“I wish for Mom to never run away again,” Beatrice said, and downed the magic sugar.
“You took my first one, Bea,” Clara said.
“Clara, choose another. You must have a bazillion wishes in your head,” Beatrice replied.
“Fine, I wish to have a magical night,” Clara said, but Beatrice shook her head.
“Evan already wished that,” she said.
Clara thought for a moment. “I wish to have a good first year in college,” she said then drank down the yellow sweetness.
“I wish for good grades on my exams next week,” Evan said, and the liquid of another flower disappeared down his throat.
“I wish to win the regional spelling bee in two weeks,” Beatrice said and sucked her flower dry. “Mary Tenenbaum is going down this year.”
Clara smiled at her sister remembering last year’s spelling bee. Beatrice and Mary were the two remaining students, and Beatrice got hung up on the word “chrysanthemum” giving an opening to Mary who spelled her next word correctly and won. Beatrice was a good sport on stage but cried in the car all the way home. She vowed to get revenge and doubled her efforts in practicing words ever since.
Clara’s focus returned to her wish, and she thought for a moment before saying it out loud. She didn’t want it to embarrass the other two, but it was her wish. And it was important.
“I wish to never go crazy again,” Clara said quietly, and tipped back her head to taste the sweet juices. Evan stroked the top of her hand with his thumb, and she smiled at him.
“I wish to be with Clara for the rest of my life,” he said, and drank down his flower.
Clara froze at the words, the idea of marriage and babies flashing into her head instantaneously. A warmth spread throughout her chest and stomach that didn’t come from the sunshine. It was hope, something that eluded her for so long, and she wanted to push Evan down, crush him into the flowers, and drink the sweetness from his mouth.
“That’s a really huge wish, Evan,” Beatrice said in all seriousness. “Those are the kinds of wishes you’re supposed to bring to the honeysuckle grove.”