Hoodie (20 page)

He looked at her. She was biting her nails.

“I know it don’t feel the same,” he said. “I mean, I ain’t ever had sex, but I know it don’t feel the same.”

“I just want you to get as much pleasure out of it as I will,” she said quietly. She stopped biting her nails and traced circles on the bed sheets with her forefinger.

“You the strangest girl I ever met,” he said. “Come ‘ere.”

She was no longer tense and anxious. She relaxed during their conversation, allowing his eyes to rove over her nakedness while they talked.

She moved on top of him, straddling his hips, and let her body sink down onto him slowly.

“Oh my God,” he whispered, and she laughed.

“You’re not even inside of me yet,” she pointed out.

“Hush. Don’t say a word. Just lemme take all this in.” He drew in his breath slowly, moving his hands down the sides of her face to her shoulders and finally her breasts. She sighed softly as he played with them.

“You have the most perfect breasts,” he said. “But you prolly knew that, huh?”

She kissed him quite hard suddenly, and he wasted no time laying her down on the bed once more. He began his tender assault, kissing her everywhere. He kissed her lips and cheeks, her neck and breasts. He let his mouth and tongue taste her all over. She stiffened when he licked her hip, moving his tongue down her thigh. He wanted to, he was dying to, but he wasn’t sure. Instead, he let his fingers do what he wanted his mouth to. He stroked her while he kissed her mouth, feeling her relax and submit to his touch.

His fingers were clumsy putting on the condom, and he cursed his awkwardness. Before she knew it, he was between her legs, poised and ready. He just needed her to signal that it was alright. She tentatively touched him, guiding him into her, and he thought he would come right then at the feel of her hand. He was determined to be slow and controlled. He didn’t want to hurt her; he thought vaguely of remembering someone telling him that it hurt girls the first time. Did she know that? She must know that, he thought.

He pushed slowly, hearing the sharp intake of her breath.

“You okay?” he asked hoarsely.

“Yes,” she replied.

He pushed farther in, feeling her body blocking him, fighting him. She was so tight, and it took every ounce of his strength not to take her hard and fast. He was starting to feel trapped within his own physical needs, wanting to please himself, wanting to hear her scream, he thought shamefully. He couldn’t make sense of his desire to at once forcefully possess her and yet be gentle to her.

“It’s okay,” she whispered. “Just do it.”

She barely got the words out. He drove into her completely, hearing her cry quietly, ignoring it as he found a gentle rhythm. She wrapped her legs around him, her thighs tight against his hips, and he was certain that she was wishing for it all to be over soon. Why did it have to hurt her? Why couldn’t she feel what he was feeling? It was ecstasy. He was consumed with it, no longer caring to be gentle. He tried, but he couldn’t. I’m just eighteen, he thought. I can’t be perfect. And he thrust into her harder.

He felt her fingernails on his back. He wished desperately that she would remove them. They only made him want to take her harder. But she didn’t remove them. She raked his back with them, fueling within him a desire so intense he was sure he would wound her beyond repair.

It did not take long. He came into her hard, his body drenched with the sweat of physical exertion and mental havoc. He wanted to collapse on her, but he knew he would crush her. And it was selfish, he thought. He had already taken so much. He felt ashamed at his own inability to be gentler with her. He rolled off of her and took her in his arms, cradling her head against his chest.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m so sorry.”

“For what?” she asked. She sounded genuinely confused.

“For bein’ so rough.” He stroked her hair and kissed the top of her head.

“It’s okay,” she said. “It started feeling good towards the end.”

He was surprised.

“It did?” he asked.

“Mmhmm,” she said lazily.

“Why you not say anything?” he asked incredulously.

“Didn’t you feel my fingernails in your back?” she asked.

He wasn’t sure what to say.

“That’s supposed to let me know you enjoyin’ it? God, I thought I was rippin’ you apart!”

She had no reply. She simply nuzzled closer to him, feeling his heartbeat slow until she thought it was back to normal.

“You okay with everything?” he asked tentatively.

“Yes. Are you?”

“Yes.”

There was a moment of contented silence. He moved his hand up and down her back feeling the softness of her skin. It tickled her slightly, and she squirmed.

“Do you want to do it again?” she asked quietly.

“Right now?!”

“No,” she laughed. “Later. In the future. Is it something you’d want to do with me again?”

“What kinda question is that?”

“An honest one,” she replied.

He rolled her onto her back and looked down at her. “Girl, I wanna do that with you all day, every day, ‘til the end of time.”

***

It was almost nine, and Emma knew that she needed to be home soon. She walked out of the bathroom dressed only in his hoodie. He was sitting up in bed wearing a pair of boxer shorts. The strong desire to do it again glowed in her. The hard part was over, she thought. She wanted to see what it felt like now.

Anton looked at her standing in the doorway. “You know you can’t wear that home. Yo’ mama and daddy go to pieces if they see you like that.”

She walked over to him with purpose, climbing on top of him and straddling his hips.

“Emma, you know you gotta go home,” he said as she kissed his neck.

“Oh shut up,” she said, and kissed his mouth hard.

She fumbled with his boxers until she found him, gripping him tightly in her hand. He was hard, but then he had been that way all evening.

“Emma—”

She ignored him, guiding him into her, sinking down on him slowly. He made no move to stop her, only groaning with delight. He forgot all about a condom.

She moved her hips tentatively at first, unsure of what she was supposed to be doing. She thought she was moving right; she could feel the soft shocks of electricity traveling up and down her legs and throughout her belly. He watched her face as she moved on him, taking for herself with no thought of what he wanted. He could see the pleasure of it in her eyes. He wanted to lose himself in them, thought that perhaps he already had, long ago, the first time he really looked at her.

He was vaguely aware of her hand down there, and realized suddenly that she was touching herself. He wanted to lift up the hoodie and watch, but she wouldn’t let him. So he contented himself with watching her eyes. They were getting darker, a stormy blue, and then she exploded quite suddenly without warning. She wanted to hide her face from him, but he held her so that she was forced to look at him. The storm waves danced in her eyes, crashing blues around her pupils, and he felt her body shudder over and over. There was no end to it until she cried out for release, and then he let go allowing her to bury her face in his shoulder, feeling her body tremble from the aftermath.

“Is that what you needed?” he asked gently after a time, stroking her back underneath of the hoodie. It was slick with sweat.

She nodded into his shoulder, and he laughed. He wanted to roll her over and take from her then, but he knew it wouldn’t be right. He had already taken so much. He had to keep reminding himself.

“I’ve got to go home,” Emma groaned into his shoulder. She sat up then and looked at him.

“That’s what I kept tryin’ to tell you,” Anton replied.

“Yeah, like you didn’t want me to climb on you just then and do that,” Emma said. She smirked.

“I could take it or leave it,” Anton replied, and she punched his arm. “Ow! You know I’m playin’ with you.”

She climbed off of his lap and dressed. He watched her the whole time aware of the unsettling feeling spreading throughout his chest making his heart rate increase to an uncomfortable, rapid rhythm. He realized that he had perhaps just complicated his life beyond what he could handle. His future with her was as uncertain as the present. No one knew about them. He couldn’t imagine what his friends would say. He failed to even think about where she was going to college. Why had he never bothered to ask? She could be going across the country for all he knew. And did he honestly think that her parents would be accepting of him? Sure, they were polite at dinner. They seemed to be okay with him, he thought, but only as a partner for a school project. He was sure they’d go ballistic if they learned he and she were together romantically. Suddenly, everything began changing, becoming more serious, dangerous even. He should have kept it at a mild flirtation, he thought panicking.

“Are you okay?” Emma asked.

“Yeah,” he lied. “I’m great.” And he forced a smile.

“Because you look like you’re thinking about something,” Emma went on. “Are you thinking this was all a huge mistake?”

“God no!” He jumped out of the bed and went to her.

What
was
he thinking, entertaining the idea that he had made a mistake being with her? Never, he thought. It would never be a mistake. And he voiced that to her as he held her possessively.

Later that night he actually prayed, kneeling beside the bed in reverence, his large hands folded in supplication. He prayed earnestly, prayed that he could be with her forever because he knew he could never love another woman.

CHAPTER 13

THURSDAY, APRIL 29

Dr. Thompson reminded his students for the fifth time that the class time he so generously provided them should be used for the sole purpose of working on their term papers. It appeared that most students actually were working, and that only a few were indifferent or distracted by the more important details of being a teenager.

Emma and Anton sat in a corner of the room by the windows talking in whispers.

“This is weird,” he said.

“I know.”

“I don’t know how we supposed to be actin’, you know?”

“I know.”

“I mean, are we supposed to be holdin’ hands or something?”

“I don’t know.”

“Okay, Emma? You ain’t helpin’ at all,” Anton said impatiently.

“I know,” Emma replied, putting her face in her hands. “I just don’t know, I don’t know!”

“Okay, take it easy,” Anton said softly. He looked around, but no one was paying any attention to them.

She took a deep breath and regained her composure.

“Let’s just not worry about it, okay?” Anton said.

He didn’t know what they were going to do, and suddenly the pressure of telling his friends about her seemed much scarier than the first time they had sex.

“Okay,” she said quietly. She knew it was no solution, but she had none. What would her friends think? What would they say to her?