Ragnor was surprised by how weak and shaky Astrin was. He expected the boy’s muscles to have retained their strength, given the stimulation they’d received constantly over the time he’d been immobile. Maybe it was what they’d done last night. He would take more note of the reactions tonight.
“I doubt you are going to be up to walking in the gardens today, Astrin,” he said gently. “But I think it’s important you get some fresh air. I’ll arrange for a portable chair to be brought over, and Rowan can push you.”
“What? Now hang on…,” Rowan said, coming out of the bathroom.
“Rowan will push you,” Ragnor repeated firmly, and Rowan backed off, scowling. “But before he does, you have to eat and keep it down. Don’t have the sandwiches, they are too heavy. Here….” He put a few small tidbits on a plate and handed it to Astrin, who looked at it suspiciously. Ragnor smiled. “Trust me. Eat slowly and you’ll be fine. Rowan… if you would.”
He retreated to the door, and Rowan obediently followed. When the door closed behind them, Ragnor rounded on him.
“What do you think you’re doing?” he demanded, angry at Rowan’s obvious mistreatment of the captive prince.
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“I think you do. I want you to remember what that boy’s been through, and what he will continue to go through.”
“I’m remembering,” Rowan said with a nasty smile.
“Rowan,” Ragnor said, turning to face him with sadness replacing the anger. “You are my cousin, and I have always been very fond of you. You have impressed me with your courage and strength of character, and I have considered you to be a good man, a strong man. However, I have to say at the moment, I don’t think you are either. The way you are treating that boy is wrong. You disgust and disappoint me. Every time you torture him, you destroy part of your own soul. Don’t destroy any more of it, Rowan.”
Leaving a stunned Rowan staring after him, Ragnor stalked off.
F
OR
A
moment Rowan remained immobile, then he growled and went back into the room, slamming the door. Astrin looked up, seeming startled. Rowan gave him a dark look and threw himself into the chair.
Ragnor had helped Astrin get up onto the bed, and he was sitting upright propped on pillows. He looked more normal than before, more…. The black pajamas set off his ash-blond hair and made him look paler, but they covered the tube in his arm and the scars on his belly.
Astrin chewed thoughtfully, watching him.
“You’re not my friend, are you?” he said, a deep sadness in his voice and face. “You’re someone who’s been told to take care of me, and you don’t like it. You don’t like me.”
Rowan scowled at him.
“Did I do something to you? I mean… did I hurt you?”
“What?” Rowan snapped, making Astrin blink.
“You more than don’t like me. You seem to hate me, so I was wondering what I’ve done to make you do that. Did I…? What did I do?”
Rowan looked into the sincere green eyes, which were far from clear and never would be as long as he was here. If Rowan had been thinking clearly, he would have been impressed that—even though he was drugged, hurt, and ill—Astrin was handling the situation far better than he was. Unfortunately, Rowan was not thinking clearly, and the only thing that crossed his mind was frustration. He was so determined to hate Astrin, no matter what, he’d blinded himself to anything about Astrin that was admirable or likable.
The things he couldn’t ignore—Astrin’s obvious beauty and calmness of spirit—did nothing more than irritate him enormously. Somewhere deep inside, he knew Astrin was a good person, but Rowan wouldn’t acknowledge it. He couldn’t, because if he did he’d have to stop hating Astrin, and that was simply not going to happen.
“You didn’t do anything. I just don’t like you.”
“Why not?”
“Because you’re self-absorbed, stuck-up, and arrogant.”
Astrin’s eyes went wide. “Am I? I… I don’t feel like I am.”
Rowan snorted. “No one who’s truly arrogant ever believes they are.”
Astrin considered. “I suppose you’re right. I don’t want to be any of those things.” He considered again. “Will you help me?”
“Help you?”
“Help me not be anymore.”
Rowan snorted again. “Yeah right.”
“No, seriously. I really don’t want to be those things you said I am—any of them. Please help me change.”
Rowan stared at him, genuinely shocked. “Um… er… okay…. Okay, I will…. At least I’ll do my best.”
Astrin treated him to a blinding smile that made him feel slightly stunned. Those eyes were powerful weapons. Thank the Gods Astrin wasn’t aware enough to know how to use them.
“Have you finished eating?”
Astrin nodded, placing his half-empty plate back on the trolley. Rowan shook his head. “You have to eat it all, or Ragnor will have my guts for garters.”
“That’s an… interesting expression.”
“You think it’s just an expression?”
For the first time, the two boys genuinely smiled at each other. Astrin leaned forward to pick up the plate again and missed the expressions flowing through Rowan’s eyes. At first he was amused, then horrified, and then—cold.
“Why have you been taking care of me? I mean… you don’t like me, and you’re obviously not part of my family: we look too different. So who are you? Are you a servant? You don’t seem like one.”
“A servant?” Rowan stared at him, outraged. “No, I am not a bloody servant. I’m Crown Prince of House Gabriel.”
Astrin’s eye widened with an expression of startled shock. “Really?”
“I am not in the habit of lying.”
“No, I… I wasn’t saying you were lying, but….” Thoughtfully, Astrin chewed on a piece of food and frowned. “I don’t understand.”
“There are a lot of things you don’t understand.”
“If you’re a prince, then why…? Why are you taking care of me?”
“Because my uncle feels I need a lesson in humility.”
“Oh… so you’re arrogant, self-absorbed, and stuck-up too?”
Rowan opened his mouth to snap at him, caught the twinkle in his eyes, and eventually had to smile. “Something like that.”
Closing his eyes, Astrin set down the plate again and leaned back against the pillows.
“Are you okay?” Rowan asked, surprising himself with genuine concern.
“I think so.”
“You think so?”
“What’s okay? I don’t feel well. I can’t remember what it feels like—being well.” He frowned, then opened his eyes and squinted at Rowan. “I can’t remember anything. It’s weird. I—I didn’t think about it until now, but… I don’t remember anything before I woke up here. There must have been a before. You told me what I was like before, but… I don’t remember. Why…?”
Rowan started to get a little alarmed. What the hell was he supposed to do now? Lie? A worm of malice wriggled in his mind.
“Trust me, you don’t want to remember.”
“I… don’t? Why?”
“You did a bad thing, a really bad thing. That’s why you lost your memory, because you blanked it out.”
“Really? What did I do?” Astrin looked alarmed, and Rowan smiled inwardly.
“I can’t say. You’re supposed to remember it by yourself, but if I were you, I wouldn’t try too hard. It was really bad.”
Astrin looked shocked and distraught. “I—I can’t… I don’t remember doing anything… I don’t feel like I would. Was it an accident?”
“Some say it was.”
“What about you? What do you say?”
Rowan looked into his eyes and saw the hurt little boy. He blinked and ignored him, overlaying him with the monster he’d created in his mind. “No. I say no. You were arrogant, selfish, self-absorbed. You didn’t care about anyone but yourself. You didn’t care who you hurt. You didn’t care who was left behind. You didn’t…. You have…. You have everything and because of you I—”
Realizing what he was saying, what he was doing, Rowan stopped and bit his lip.
“Left behind? Did I…? Did I kill someone?”
Astrin was shaking—shaking all over, his face dead white. Rowan couldn’t do it. He shook his head.
“No. No, you didn’t kill anyone, not you. You just… didn’t care.”
“I don’t…. Rowan, I don’t understand.”
“I know. And it’s okay. One day you will.”
The door opened, and Ragnor walked in pushing a strange contraption. It was like a chair but with large wheels and a padded seat. A bar ran across the back, which could be used to push and steer.
“Your chariot, my lord,” Ragnor said, bowing his head. Astrin stared at him, still shaking, still shocked, not able to understand.
“Are you all right?”
“I… felt… I was….”
Swallowing hard, Astrin closed his eyes. It was clear he was fighting tears.
“Do you feel sick again?”
“I… a… little. I… think.”
“You look very pale. I still think fresh air will do you good. Has Rowan been looking after you?”
Astrin shot a look at Rowan, then nodded. “Yes. He’s been… good.”
“Fine. Rest here for a while. I need to speak to Rowan.”
Astrin nodded, closing his eyes again.
Outside the door Ragnor turned on Rowan. “What have you been doing to him?”
“What? I haven’t been doing anything. He’s been asking a lot of questions. I’ve just tried to throw him off, that’s all.”
“What kinds of questions?”
“Like—what was I like? What happened to me? What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I remember?”
“I see. That’s worrying. I’ll deal with it tonight. What did you tell him?”
“I told him he’d done something really bad and blocked out the memory.”
“Rowan!”
“I needed to tell him something that was convincing and I’d remember. I thought it might be good to stick to the truth.”
“That wasn’t the truth, Rowan,” Ragnor said wearily. “Astrin has done nothing to you. Nothing.”
“Yeah, yeah, so I keep being told.”
“Can I trust you to take him out in the gardens without damaging him further?”
“What does it matter anyway? You’re going to wipe him again tonight.”
“That’s not the point, Rowan. No matter what we do to him, the best we can achieve is to lock away the memories. It would be far too dangerous to try to wipe them altogether, and that means at some point he’s going to remember.”
“I’m shaking in my shoes. Do you think I give a damn about what he remembers?”
“You should, Rowan. One day your life might depend on it.”
A W
ALK
IN
THE
G
ARDEN
W
ITH
A
hard look, Ragnor turned and walked away.
Frowning, Rowan slammed back into the bedroom, startling Astrin again. Rowan was sick to death of seeing that frightened-rabbit expression in the large green eyes.
“Oh for heaven’s sake, stop jumping at every little thing.”
“Is… is that what I’m doing? I’m sorry. It’s just… I know you don’t like me, so it’s hard to feel safe with you. And… and I try to remember what I’ve done, why I’m….” Astrin raised his head to meet Rowan’s eyes. “I know I’ve hurt you. I don’t know how, but I know that somehow I’ve hurt you deeply. I see it in your eyes. You hate me for it.
“I can’t apologize. I can’t say I’m sorry because I don’t know what I’m supposed to be sorry for. I just don’t remember.” He closed his eyes, massaging his temples. “I wish I could think clearly. I don’t feel I’m a bad person, so I know in my heart that whatever I did to you, I didn’t mean it.”
Astrin opened his eyes, which were begging now, and Rowan started to get irritated again. Anything to stop himself from feeling sympathy.
“I can tell you’re a good man, Rowan, a strong man, and I—I’m not. I’m weak and sick and… and not strong. I don’t think I’m strong at all, that I ever was. I feel as insubstantial as a breeze, as if I could shatter into a thousand pieces at any moment, and right now… right now I
want
to.”
His voice faded, and Rowan’s irritation was sharpened by guilt and alarm. “Don’t start feeling sorry for yourself. I’m not having any of that. Get in the gods-damned chair.”
“I don’t think I want to. Can’t I sleep? Please, I don’t feel well, and I’m so tired.”
“You can sleep when we get back. In fact you must. But I’m under strict orders to take you into the gardens, so that’s precisely what I’m going to do, whether you want to or not. Don’t make this difficult for me, because if you do, I’ll pick you up and carry you to the bloody chair, and I won’t be gentle.”
Something flared deep in Astrin’s eyes, but it was brief, and he sagged, seeming to collapse inward. Obediently he slid off the bed and was able to take the few steps to the chair by holding tightly to the table, then the arm of the chair. When he was safely seated, Rowan pushed him out of the door, gleefully bumping into the frame as he did so, and watched Astrin wince at the concussion.
It was actually very pleasant strolling in the gardens. Neither of them spoke, so Rowan could almost forget who was with him. He rarely took time to stroll here among the artfully clipped trees, statues, and hidden nooks. Before last night, it had been months. At the center was a fountain. It was a tall, slender woman with flowing robes and hair. She spilled water from an urn into a large, cool pool capped with water lilies, beneath whose shade the quick bright forms of fish flashed.
Pushing Astrin to the very edge of the pool, Rowan abandoned him for the stone bench on the other side.
A
STRIN
FOLLOWED
him with his eyes. Then, with a sigh, he lowered his gaze to the water. It looked cool and inviting, although the glare of the sun on the surface made his head ache painfully.
Astrin pursed his lips and pushed himself to his feet, holding on to the chair for support, then he sank to the ground next to the pool. The grass was moss-soft and cool. He trailed one hand in the cold water, watching the ripples spread. He splashed some onto his face and sighed with pleasure, then lay back and gazed up at the cerulean sky.
For a while he was able to let go of his fear and confusion, stop trying to figure out just exactly what he’d done to upset Rowan so much, and relax completely. Slowly his eyes closed, and for the first time in three months, natural sleep claimed him.