Authors: Jessica Lake
"Do you want me to come with you tomorrow?" Lily called after me.
"No. I mean, don't take this the wrong way but I think I'll just be more self-conscious if you're there. I'll call you as soon as it's done, we can have lunch. It's in Walthamstow if you want to meet me afterwards."
"Walthamstow?"
"Even Walthamstow's going poncy, Lily. I'm sure there's at least one juice bar there."
"I hate juice bars! They put kale in everything!"
I smiled as I stood beside the sink, downing my glass of water in a couple of gulps. I tried not to think too hard about the fact that whatever happened the next day was going to play a large part in determining where my life was going to go.
I went straight to the bedroom and ripped my clothes off as soon as I got home from work. It was almost seven o'clock, and Callum's fight was scheduled for 8:30. Luckily, there was no need to scan racks of clothing. I didn't have many 'dressy' clothes. My single little black dress was going to have to do. I pulled my hair out of the French-twist it was in for work and shook it out while applying red lipstick and a few coats of mascara. Was there time to curl my lashes? I did it while sitting on the toilet as I tried to work out how to get to Central London as quickly as possible. Then my phone rang.
"Hello?"
"Lily. Darling, how are you?"
It was Pandora, with whom I had forged a somewhat unlikely friendship after the investigation into Linda Trout's murder had concluded. She was coming to see the fight with me, to ogle the men and to offer me moral support. I was nervous. It was Callum's third fight and the most important so far.
"I'm kind of freaking out, Panda." Panda. Who knows why I started calling her that - but I did and it had stuck. "I just got in and I'm getting dressed. Do you think I should take a cab? Or would it be faster to-"
"Lily, calm down. I'll send my driver."
I listened to the sound of Pandora sending a text. "No, it's OK, I can get there if I can just get my shit together-"
"Lily! It's done. Twenty minutes at most. I'll meet you out front, OK? By the doors? I'm wearing the pink Proenza Schouler jacket."
Pandora was so funny. She had no idea how much she stood out, even when she wasn’t wearing ridiculously expensive designer gear. She was over six foot in heels, with a mane of blonde hair and a voice that carried, to put it politely. No one would have any trouble picking Pandora out of a crowd, pink jacket or no. I took the time until the driver arrived to eat some of the leftover strange-but-delicious salad Callum had made the previous day, and tried to drag my fingers through my hair so it didn't look quite so messy. As I expected, when the car pulled up outside the venue, I spotted Pandora within seconds.
She rushed over on her five-inch heels and grabbed me by the shoulders, kissing me on both cheeks and staring at me expectantly.
"Well? Lily?"
"Oh my God, Panda, what? I'm frazzled. Just ask me a question if you have one," I said, grinning.
"What? Lily - this is what!" She gestured towards the building and I noticed the sign over the door actually had Callum's name on it. His full name. "How exciting is this? I've been reading up on this fight, you know. There are all sorts of boxing websites where people are talking about it. Everyone seems to think your man has a real chance of beating this guy!"
I bit my lip. I'd been deliberately avoiding all sources of information about the fight - all the better to remain in partial denial of what a big deal it actually was.
"Oh, Lily, look at you, you're nervous. That's so sweet. I don't think you have much to worry about, though. He's going to kill this guy."
"Panda," I said, exasperated, "could you not say that out loud? You're tempting fate."
"Oh shut up, Morgan. Don't go all wishy-washy on me now just because your boyfriend is involved. No, he's going to win. I can feel it in my bones."
I let Pandora lead me inside, to our seats. Front row. So if he didn't win, I was going to have a close-up view of it. I looked around. The place was already over half-full.
"Did it sell out? Fuck. I don't know if I can deal with this, Pandora," I whispered.
"Hey, Lily." Pandora reached out and squeezed my arm. "You're freaking out. Stop it. Honestly, don't worry. I have a good feeling about this. We know Callum can fight. We know it better than most of the people here because we've actually seen it."
I knew she was doing her duty as a friend - trying to reassure me, trying to help me calm my nerves. But her repeated assertions that there was
nothing
to worry about just made the irrational part of my brain, the one that likes to torture me, more and more sure there was, in fact,
something
to worry about.
By the time 8:30 rolled around, the entire venue was filled. It wasn't a big place, but I knew everyone was there to see Callum, and the feeling of excited anticipation in the air almost had my teeth chattering with anxiety. When the announcer's voice came booming over the audio system, I actually jumped a little. Then Callum came out.
He wore a hoodie that shrouded most of his face in shadow. His manager and his trainer from the gym flanked him on either side. When he got into the ring and took his hoodie off, Pandora nudged me in the ribs.
"Lily, look at him." She practically cackled."You lucky bitch!"
Her comment worked - I had to laugh.
"Seriously. How come you get him? How come you get him and I get Percy the Stockbroker from Epsom? Where's my twenty-four year old stud? I'm going to petition the U.N. about this."
I covered my mouth with my hand. The arena was loud, but I knew there were cameras around and I didn't want to be caught laughing my head off in the front row.
"Percy?" I whispered, "Percy from Epsom? Panda, what are you talking about?"
Pandora affected a sorrowful look. "Only my certain fate, Lily. I haven't met Percy yet but you know he's there, lurking in the City, waiting to pounce."
I did everything I could to distract myself before the fight started. I barely even looked at Callum's opponent, except out of the corner of my eye. But when the bell rang to start the first round, there was nowhere else for my jumpy mind to go except to what was right in front of me.
The other guy got the first punch in, but it wasn't a hard one. Callum had almost managed to dodge it, and the crowd barely reacted. It woke him up to be hit first, though, I could see it in his eyes. Three seconds later, the other fighter was on his back on the canvas, then back on his feet almost as quickly. The crowd roared and Pandora punched the air. It was much too early for me to be engaging in any of that.
Or was it? The first round seemed to go on forever but even I knew, when the bell rang to end it, that Callum had come out on top. I looked over at Pandora.
"I told you," she said, squeezing my leg, "I told you! If this doesn't end in the next round I'll buy your drinks all night the next time we go out."
The bell rang again and I forced my eyes upward, to the ring. Callum was smiling, dancing around his opponent like a kid playing a game. I wanted to tell him to stop showboating, stop smiling, to not do any of that until it was over. I watched him easily duck a right hook and answer, immediately, with one of his own. The roar of the crowd became an anticipatory howl as we all collectively sensed what was coming.
Sure enough, as soon as the other fighter had managed to get back on his feet and the referee started the fight again, he went right back down, and this time for good. I waited for the count, hunched over in my seat, eyes fixed on the ref. When he waved his hands to indicate it was all over I leapt out of my seat, joining everyone around me in screaming at the top of my lungs. I hugged Pandora, almost senseless with relief.
"See?! I knew he was going to win. You need to have more faith, Lily."
"I know!" I yelled over the noise of the crowd, "I do have faith! I just - I get-"
I watched the expression on Pandora's face change as she looked past me, at something behind me. I turned around to see Callum standing right there, looking at me. One of his eyes was starting to swell, but his whole face was taken up with a smile.
"I told her, Callum!" Pandora shouted."I told her but she wouldn't listen. She was so nervous I thought she was going to explode."
Callum leaned over my shoulder and yelled back to Pandora: "I know! I saw her sitting there looking like the sky was falling. But I think I have a plan for cheering her up."
He grabbed my hand and began to lead me back towards the ring. I met Pandora's eyes and she threw me a knowing smile.
"What's going on?" I mouthed, knowing I was already too far away for her to hear me. She just shrugged.
"Callum! What are you doing? Don't drag me up there. Can't we just wait until everyone else has gone?"
Callum shook his head. "No. Sorry Lily, can't do it."
I kept resisting, especially when he tried to get me into the ring itself. "Callum, seriously. There are TV cameras here. Can we wait? Please?"
He turned back to me and took my face in his hands, looking right into my eyes.
"No, Lily, we can't wait. Who gives a fuck if there are cameras here? The fight's over, nothing is being broadcast. Stop worrying for five minutes. Just five minutes, OK? Deal?"
I scrunched up my face and allowed myself to be led into the ring.
"Why do you have such a sneaky look on your face?" I asked as he watched me. "Why did you bring me into the-"
Suddenly, Callum kneeled down in front of me. On one knee. I sensed a lot of pairs of eyes on the two of us. My hands flew to my face of their own accord.
"Callum, what are you doing?!"
"Lily," he said, reaching up and taking one of my hands in his, "I'm doing something I've wanted to do for a long time."
Callum reached his hand out and one of his trainers handed him something small. My knees shook and I began to feel the hot prickling of tears in my eyes as he looked up at me.
"Lily Morgan," he yelled over the noise, "if someone had told me a year ago that I'd be where I am now, tonight, doing this, I would have been more shocked than you look right now. But here I am and I want you to know there's nowhere else I want to be. There's nowhere else I
should
be. You are the smartest, bravest and best person I have ever known. I love you. I love everything about you, even the parts you might not like very much. I love the way you get nervous before I fight. I love the way you try to boil eggs in an inch of water. I love the way you look at me. I love your heart. And believe me, I could go on for three hours here, but the truth is, I just want to be with you, Lily."
"Oh my God, Callum. Oh my
God
," I squeaked, trying not to fall over.
It was surreal. I couldn't quite believe I was actually seeing what I was seeing - that it wasn't a movie or a YouTube video of someone else. Callum kissed my hand and shushed me. Then he pulled out a ring. As he held it up, the lights overhead focused on the stone and made it sparkle like a tiny fire.
"Will you marry me, Lily Morgan?"
Me
. Someone was asking to marry me. Not just someone, either. Callum Cross. I was dumbfounded. Ecstatic, but dumbfounded. I stood there, smiling through tears of happiness, until Callum couldn't stand it anymore.
"Lily!"
"Yes. Callum, yes! Yes, I will marry you. Of course I will. Of course..."
He stood up and swooped me up in his arms before I could finish. I buried my face in his sweaty shoulder as the sound of cheering came from his entourage, Pandora and the people who had stayed in the arena long enough to witness what had just happened.
Callum kissed my ear, but he didn't let me go or put me down. When he did, finally, I felt like an ember, glowing with happiness.
"Are you happy, beautiful Lily? I hope that wasn't too traumatic for you, but I thought it was best to put you in a situation where it would be almost impossible to say no."
"Yes I'm happy!" I said, laughing and looking down at my ring. It was a simple, flawless diamond solitaire.
"I considered something big and imperfect," Callum said, "but I reckon since you're already getting that in me I'd go for well-proportioned and perfect with the diamond."
"It
is
perfect," I told him. I tilted my left hand back and forth under the lights and watched the diamond throw off rainbow sparks. "I love it, Callum. And I love you. I can't believe this. I can't believe you want to marry me!"
"Of course I want to marry you, Lily. Any man who doesn't want to marry you is a damned idiot. And I knew I had to get in there before someone else did."
The next day, the day after he proposed to me in the boxing ring, Callum told me he had a surprise for me and that I was to pack a bag. Then he took me to the train station and refused to tell me where we were going until we got there. I read one of the stations signs after we disembarked.
"Par?"
"Par, yes. Cornwall. I've never been there either, but my mum has, and she's always talking about how beautiful it is."
Callum had booked us a small stone cottage that sat alone on a high bluff, overlooking the Atlantic. It was the kind of sunny, cloudless day you rarely see in England, so we left our things - everything except two bottles of beer - in the cottage and immediately walked to the cliff. A rough footpath led down to a small, deserted sliver of golden sand.
"Damn. This is beautiful," I said, breathing in the scent of the ocean and facing into the sun-warmed breeze. I looked at Callum. He, too, was admiring the view. Then he took my hand and we picked our way down the narrow path to the beach, not saying much, because there was simply too much to look at. When we got to the bottom I immediately set about kicking my shoes off. I sunk my toes into the sand with a shudder of pleasure, and Callum did the same. We lay down at the top of the beach, only a few feet from the water's edge, and opened our beers.
"I feel like an idiot right now," Callum said, apropos of seemingly nothing.
I looked up at him, shading my eyes from the sun with one hand. "What? Why? I think this was a brilliant idea. I can already feel myself slowing down from our London pace. Can't you feel it?"
He sipped his beer and looked out over the sea, thinking. "Yeah, Lily. That's kind of why I feel like an idiot. I wasn't kidding when I told you I've never really been out of London - I haven't - not for anything but business. We couldn't afford to go to the seaside when I was a kid, so I just pretended I didn't really want to go. But look at this. This has been four hours away from me my entire life. I should have come sooner."
"But you're here now, aren't you?" I leaned in close to him and kissed his neck.
"Yeah, I am. And I'm happy to be here with you, Lily. There's a lot of places I want to go with you."
"Are there? Where?"
Callum turned to me and focused his aquamarine eyes on mine. It didn't matter what he said, because I knew that as long as I was with him, it didn't really matter where we were.
"Everywhere. I mean everywhere I haven't been. Which is...everywhere." He chuckled, but I could hear a sadness in his voice.
"How about Canada?"
"Of course Canada, Lily. I want to see the place that made you. I want to thank them for exporting such a fine specimen to rainy England to brighten the place up."
We were quiet for a few minutes, listening to the sound of the gentle waves and drinking our beers.
"Callum?"
"Yeah?"
"I don't want you to be sad, I-"
"I'm not sad, Lily," he said, suddenly emphatic, "I'm not sad, because I'm with you. That's the truth. I may be a little thoughtful, but it definitely isn't sadness. I'm the luckiest motherfucker on the face of this Earth and I know it."
"OK, good. I was just thinking of all the places we can go together. Don't people usually bring their kids to the seaside for a holiday?"
Callum cocked an eyebrow at me. "Yes, they do."
"Well then, we should remember this place. We should remember this beach. One day we can bring our kids here."
The next thing I knew, Callum pulled me on top of him and held my head tightly against his chest.
"I love you, Lily. I
love
you. I think this would be the perfect place to bring our kids. I'll tell them the story of how I proposed to their mother and she was so embarrassed she forgot to say yes."
"I didn't forget," I said, laughing. "I was just slightly delayed in responding."
We lay on the beach for hours, and we dozed off as the afternoon became a hazy early evening. When I woke up, the tide had gone out. Callum was down near the tideline, walking along beside it. He glanced up and waved when he saw I was awake.
"How long have you been awake?" He ambled back up to where I was, his big, solid body blocking out the fading sunlight.
"Not long, babe."
He lay down in the warm sand next to me and I felt another wave of love crash over me as I looked at him.
"I don't know what I did to deserve this," I told him.
"What do you mean?" Callum asked, drawing shapes in the sand with one finger.
"This. Today. The beach, the sunshine, the way I feel right now. You. Mostly you. I couldn’t have dreamed up a better man than you, Callum."
He narrowed his eyes slightly. "Do you really mean that? Especially that last part?"
"Of course I mean it. I mean it more than probably most of the things I've ever said. Why would you think otherwise? Why would I have said yes if I just thought you were completely meh?"
He watched my face, as if looking for some hint of something I wasn't saying. "I don't know, Lily. Sometimes it's hard for me to believe we're together. We're so...different. You're so serious and focused, so interested in doing the right thing. And I'm-"
"Callum, I'm no more interested in 'doing the right thing' than anyone. I joined the Met because police work was the only thing I thought I was good at. I wasn't good at relationships, I wasn't particularly good at making money. None of the traditional paths to 'making it' seemed open to me. I spent a lot of time feeling like a failure, you know? When I joined the Met and then when I actually did really well, it was the first time I ever felt proud of myself. It's not about being some morally upstanding citizen, it's just about doing something useful. Besides, I don't think you're unserious."
"You don't? Ha, everyone else does."
"I know. I actually think we're kind of similar that way, don't you? We both refuse to follow a path simply because it's the same one everyone else followed. I mean, not everyone else, I'm not trying to make it sound like we're two brave heroes, but we both recognized what we didn't want and then tried to live our lives according to that."
He lay his head on my breasts and I ran my fingers through his cropped hair, enjoying the spikiness.
"Yeah, Lily. The odd thing is it turns out maybe I did want some of those things. The things I thought I didn't want. It wasn't about the things, it was about who I had by my side for them, you know?"
I giggled. "I know. Exactly. All those 'things'. Marriage, babies, I thought it was - not fake exactly, but something you did because your family wanted you to do it, not because it was the best thing to do. But I don't feel that way anymore. I met you and suddenly all I want is to be your wife."
"Mmm. It is strange, isn't it? The first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning is you. It's not conscious, it's just where my brain goes. 'Is Lily happy?' 'Does Lily need anything?' I-"
"Callum. Come on." I looked down at him. "Is that true?"
"Yes, it's true. Why do you look so surprised? You've just spent five minutes explaining that you had the same reaction."
I laughed softly. "Oh, I know. It's just what my brain does. Something's going well? You feel happy? Better think about all the ways in which that could go wrong."
Callum pulled my t-shirt down a little and kissed me just below the collarbone. "Well you should tell your brain to shut the fuck up, Lily."
"I know. I'm trying! I think I need to eat something."
"Are you hungry? I saw a fish place near the station. We could go get fish and chips and take it back to the room. Then spend the night giving each other vinegar kisses."
"Sounds good to me," I replied, trying to sit up. Callum playfully held me down, though.
"Can we just stay here for five more minutes?"
I caught his eye. "Sure we can."
"I was just thinking, we should both take a good look around. At the beach and the sea and the cliffs and the sunset. And each other. A proper look."
"OK," I said, following his lead and looking out towards the ocean, "and why are we doing this?"
The sun had almost dipped below the horizon. When Callum looked back at me the fading rays caught the blue of his eyes, as if lighting them up just for me.
"Because I want us both to remember this afternoon for the rest of our lives. We're going to tell our kids about this, Lily. That time we went to the seaside before we got married, before we had them, and lay on the beach all afternoon before eating fish and chips for supper. I want to get the details right when I tell them. I want to tell them you were wearing your white skirt and that your hair smelled of the ocean."
Callum didn't even get to finish before my eyes welled up. He didn't have to ask me what was wrong, either, because he knew nothing was wrong. He knew my tears were due to happiness, to love. He kissed them off my cheeks, smiling, and nuzzled his way up under my hair to my ear so he could whisper to me.
"And I'm going to tell them that their mother was the most beautiful thing I ever saw, Lily."
We stayed on the beach until the sun had fully set, the last rays of light streaking orange and gold across the sky. Then Callum helped me to my feet and we walked hand-in-hand up the stony little path that led us to the fish and chip shop and to the rest of our lives.