Authors: Lori Foster
“Shh.” Ham desperately wanted to ease her pain. But all he could do was reassure her, as many times as it took. “I’m not him, Liv. I’m not Weston, not OSI, and I would never let you worry if I could help it.”
Incredulous, her mouth fell open, then snapped shut. “You wouldn’t let me worry? That’s rich.” She swiped at her cheeks, dashing away the tears. “Do you have any idea what it did to me when you went into Kosovo? Or what about Afghanistan? And oh, God, I can’t even think about Iraq without shaking and feeling ill and...” Her loss of control only added to her fury. Hamilton knew how much she hated to be seen crying.
“Liv.” He tried to tug her into his arms.
She shoved away. Giving him her back, she spoke quieter, softer. “I can’t keep going through that, Ham.” And with iron resolve, she added, “I
won’t
keep going through that.”
Hamilton struggled with himself, but he wouldn’t give everything away, not yet. Timing was everything. “Regardless of how we’re involved, it sounds to me like you go through it anyway.” He settled his hands on her shoulders and pulled her resisting body back into his chest. “We have a lot of talking to do, Liv.”
“Right. Talking about what I want?”
“Yes.” They could be together, not here, not where she most wanted to be. But if she truly loved him—
When she pulled away, he let her go, but went with her up the porch steps.
“Here it is in a nutshell, Colonel. I want a home and stability, friends I can keep forever and a community that knows me.”
Ham started to describe the possibilities, but she held up a hand. “I have that now, right here. And I’m not about to give it up.”
Did she even care about what he wanted? Hamilton stood right behind her, crowding close while she unlocked the front door and stepped into the small foyer. Did she realize that the air force was in his blood?
He felt challenged enough to point out the obvious. “What about a husband and kids, Liv? I remember you used to want them, too.”
“I still do,” she remarked, giving him a quick glance over her shoulder, “and eventually I’ll have both.”
Jealousy raged through him, setting his blood on fire.
Only if you marry me,
he silently vowed.
Before he returned to base, Liv Amery would accept that he’d always put her first. She’d admit to her feelings, she’d trust him, and then they’d find a happy compromise in the military—one that would leave them both content, with exactly what each of them wanted. On this mission, he wouldn’t fail.
But for now, it’d do him well to back off a little, to show her, rather than tell her, how much she could enjoy life with him.
His plan to give her some space lasted about three seconds, right up until Liv said, “Jack must be sleeping. But you’ll get to meet him in just a second.”
* * *
LIV BECAME AWARE of Hamilton standing frozen behind her, and she turned to face him. Having him in her home left her filled with unmeasured emotions.
He liked her house. He’d looked at some just like it.
She couldn’t, wouldn’t, buy into that. What did a lieutenant colonel care about setting down roots? Her father had never cut grass, never voted on school levies or concerned himself with holiday decorations. And Hamilton, for all his assurance otherwise, was as military-minded as her father. “What’s wrong, Ham?”
Stony-faced, his brown eyes fierce and hot, he stared at her. In a low, harsh whisper, he demanded, “Who the hell is Jack?”
The question reeked of possessiveness, and Liv couldn’t help feeling just a touch of satisfaction. At least she knew she wasn’t the only one uncomfortable with their current nonrelationship. “Jack is the new love of my life. But he must be sleeping. I swear, he sleeps like the dead.” Smiling, she called out, “Jack?”
Two seconds later the rush of nails on hardwood floors thundered through the hallway. Jack, her nine-month-old shepherd-rottweiler mix, bounded around the corner in unrestrained joy. He jumped up and his sixty-pound body landed against hers with enough force to take her to the ground, except that she’d learned to prepare for Jack’s welcomes, and always braced herself.
More than ever before, she appreciated the unrestrained welcome. Liv put her arms around him, buried her face in his scruff and just held on. She felt emotionally ravaged and vulnerable when accepting comfort from Ham, but Jack loved her unconditionally. And she loved him the same.
After accepting a few licks of greeting, Liv eased the dog down. He ran in circles, howling, barking, his tail swatting hard. Touched and oddly proud—just as a parent might be—Liv turned to Hamilton to make the introductions. “Ham, meet Jack. Jack, this is Lieutenant Colonel Hamilton Wulf.”
With a priceless look on his face, Hamilton knelt down and held out his hand. “Glad to meet you, Jack.”
Jack, not in the least discriminating, ignored theextended hand and jumped up against Hamilton’s shoulders, almost unseating him. To Liv’s surprise, Hamilton laughed and rubbed the dog, patting his sides, stroking his back and just plain enjoying himself.
“Good boy.” Then he asked Liv, “How long have you had him?”
Bemused, Liv cleared her throat. “I got him the day I moved in.”
“Yeah?” Hamilton looked up at her, handsome, happy, the epitome of a strong man with a big heart. “I remember you always wanted a dog.”
True. And her dad had always refused.
Ham gave in to Jack’s enthusiasm and sat cross-legged on the floor. The dog crawled right into his lap, still wiggling and turning and exuding elation with every pant and bark.
“You’re just a big baby, aren’t you?” Hamilton smiled at Liv while rubbing the dog’s fur. “You’ve had the house—what? About six months now? I know you didn’t have it when I visited last time.”
“That was eight months ago.” A short lifetime filled with many sleepless, lonely nights. He’d sent letters since then, and photos and cards. But correspondence wasn’t the same as a warm body to hold, and never would be. “I’ve been moved in for six months now.”
“And Jack is still this excited to see you whenever you get home?”
For some reason, that made her heart ache, probably because for as long as she could remember, Jack was the only one to give her such a welcome. “He loves me. I love him. Of course he’s happy to see me.” Then reality kicked in and she added, “Oops. He always has to go out right away, so I wouldn’t keep encouraging his enthusiasm.”
At a less distressful time, Ham’s expression of alarm would have made her laugh. He quickly stood, distancing himself from the dog and any possible accidents.
Liv went into her living room, crossed through the dining room, and opened the sliding door to the backyard. She was a tidy housekeeper, thank goodness, so her home was in order, presentable to guests. Not that Ham could be considered a mere guest.... “Come, Jack. Let’s go out.”
The dog raced—which seemed to be the only speed he knew—through the rooms and out the door into the small fenced yard. As usual, he took his time sniffing every bush and several patches of grass before finding a spot that suited him.
Amused by the familiar routine, Liv settled against the doorframe and gazed outside. A brisk spring wind buffeted her face, and she noticed that the sun had slipped behind dark clouds, and a distinct chill now filled the air. A storm was creeping in, and that meant her roof would leak. She hated for Hamilton to see the flaws in her house, but there’d be no avoiding it if he stayed with her—and he did seem intent on staying.
Besides, if she busied herself with preparations for the rain, she wouldn’t be able to linger on regrets, and she wouldn’t find time to indulge foolish hopes.
Hamilton stepped up behind her, too close for comfort, but then, being around him was never comfortable. Exciting, yes. Turbulent and heated and exhila-rating, but far from easy. He drew too many strong emotions from her, most of all love.
“He’s a beautiful dog, Liv.” While speaking, he took her sweater from her, then stripped off his leather aviator jacket. He laid both over a kitchen chair.
“Thank you.” Liv glanced back at him. Before they’d left the hotel, he’d changed into jeans and a white T-shirt that hugged his muscular frame. The cotton shirt appeared soft, urging her to rest her cheek against his chest, to wrap her arms around his waist. He looked almost too good to resist. His biceps bulged and his forearms were twice as thick as hers.
And his hands...
Liv remembered those hands touching her in so many different ways, holding her, hugging her, smoothing her hair and on occasion, exciting her. Hamilton had strong but gentle hands that could guide a B-2 stealth bomber with precision, or make a woman hot with pleasure.
If she ever made love with him, she knew it would be incredible. And unforgettable. Already, her convictions wavered whenever he got too close. Sharing that much intimacy would rip away her last shred of resistance, and she’d find herself in the same position she’d resented most: alone and lonely, worried, and when the country needed Hamilton, forgotten.
Thinking about the future, about the life she’d always dreamed of, left her empty deep inside, especially when what she’d always wanted most was him.
“Liv?” With the edge of a fist, he tipped up her chin so that she had to look at him. A breeze heavy with humidity washed in through the open door, moving over her skin and sending her hair across her face. With a gentleness that felt decidedly intimate, Hamilton tucked the loose curls behind her ear.
She thought he might kiss her again, and she both wanted him to and feared the possibility.
Instead, his big thumb drifted high on her cheekbone. “Why don’t you take a quick shower before the storm hits? I’ll get something together for dinner and then we can relax and talk.”
She’d missed lunch and hunger made her jittery. Or maybe it was Hamilton’s nearness, his touch, the very warm look in his eyes that kept her on edge.
A hot shower would be heaven, and it’d give her an opportunity to collect herself. “Thank you.”
Jack ran in past her legs, still excited, but moderately so. He plopped down beside her and stared up with doggie adoration.
Liv rubbed his ears. “Let me feed him first, and then I’ll...”
What? The pain surfaced again. Following her mundane routine seemed somehow disrespectful. She’d just lost her father, and the man she’d loved forever loomed in her kitchen, storming her already lacerated defenses. She didn’t quite know
what
to do, or think or feel.
“Go on,” Hamilton said. “I’ll take care of Jack. It’ll give us a chance to get better acquainted.”
Crossing her arms under her breasts, Liv said, “Do you think that’s a good idea?”
He matched her stance, until they had the appearance of two combatants squaring off. “Why wouldn’t it be?”
“When you leave again, like you always do, he might...miss you.”
Just as I always miss you.
Hamilton worked his jaw, his annoyance obvious. “I’ll be here two weeks, honey. We’re bound to become friends.” He held out his hand to Jack and the dog immediately abandoned Liv to go to Ham’s side. In a tone that should have warned Liv, Hamilton added, “I told you I’d been thinking about a house recently. Well, I’ve thought about getting a dog, too.”
Animosity rose in Liv, to the point that she trembled. Did he think her a fool? What did he hope to accomplish by mocking the things that gave her satisfaction? “A dog in the air force? I doubt that.”
Hamilton didn’t look at her, choosing instead to peer around her kitchen. He made note of the colorful drawings held on her refrigerator by magnets. Gifts from her students, signs of affection that she cherished.
His eyes narrowed in speculation. “A lot of people living in base housing have pets, Liv. It’s not a problem.”
Disbelief rose up. She knew pets were allowed; many of her neighbors in housing had dogs and cats. But her father had discouraged any additional commitments, claiming it wasn’t fair to the animal when they never stayed in one place for long. “My dad said—”
Hamilton’s gaze locked on hers. “Forget whatever Weston said, okay?” Slowly, he straightened to his full height until he towered over her. Oozing machismo, he stepped so close she inhaled his hot male scent with each deep breath. “Entire families live on and off base and yeah, they have pets and the kids ride bicycles and the men love their wives—” He drew a steadying breath. His voice dropped. “And the wives love their husbands.”
Defensively, Liv pointed out, “It’s difficult to move with an animal.”
“So if you had to move—”
“I won’t.”
“But if you
did,
you wouldn’t take Jack with you?”
“He’s mine,” she snapped. “Of course I’d take him.”
Satisfaction gleamed in Ham’s eyes. “Of course.”
Feeling cornered, she started to turn away, but Hamilton moved with her, crowding closer still, backing her into a corner of the kitchen. “You’re meant to be a mother, Liv. Kids love you, and you love them.”
She clasped her hands together to keep them from shaking. “I have an entire classroom of kids. I don’t need to birth them to—”
“It’s not the same thing and you know it.” His nose brushed the delicate hair at her temple. “Why won’t you admit it? Why hold on to your old fears?”
“Because I know them to be true.”
“No.” His lips brushed her ear, sending a shiver down her spine. “You have a unique perspective, but it’s not the norm. Marrying into the military isn’t a heinous thing, no matter what you want to believe.”
Her heart heavy, Liv whispered, “For me, it would be.”
His breath came out in a sigh. “Liv, honey, there’s always room for compromise.”
“Dad said—” Liv caught herself. She winced, then cleared her throat. “There are no compromises in the military. There are rules and regulations, a code of ethics. But no compromise.”
For several heartbeats, Hamilton just looked at her, but Liv could feel the force of his frustration and her convictions wavered.
Jack whined, breaking the spell.
Drawing a deep breath, Hamilton stepped back. “To show you how good I am at compromising, I’m going to let that topic go—for now. At the moment, you’ve got enough to think about without me debating the pros and cons of married life in the air force.” He tried a smile that lacked sincerity. “Go take your shower. Jack and I’ll be fine.”