“What happens next?”
He sighed. “I don't know yet. The lawyers have to get involved now. That's when the real fighting will start. I don't know what we'll do about the kids or the house or anything. I love that house, but I don't know if Barbie is going to want to stay in it. If she does, I'll just let her have it and I'll go someplace else.”
I didn't want to say it, but I wondered about my job. As if reading my mind, Lars said, “Don't worry about your job. You won't lose that. Unless you want to, that is.”
Why would I want to?
“We should get back to the house. I have to make dinner,” I said.
“You're right. Let's head out.” We walked slowly up the path back to the parking lot, then Lars turned to me. “This has been such a nice day. I'm sorry to spoil it with talk about Barbie, but I thought you had a right to know.”
He paused for a moment, then swallowed. “I want you to know that I've got strong feelings for you. And I'm hoping you feel the same way about me too. You are a remarkable woman and I'd like to get to know you even better, but now isn't the right time. I don't want to give Barbie any ammunition against me in the divorce proceedings.” He looked down, then back up at me again. “Will you wait for me?”
I hadn't expected this from him, but I found that my stomach was doing flip-flops and I was grinning from ear to ear. I nodded. “I'll wait,” I promised him.
He smiled and leaned over to kiss my lips quickly, then we got in the car and drove home. On the way he told me stories of when the kids were little, of what it was like living in California and how different the people were on the Big Island, how different the lifestyle was. I enjoyed listening to him talk so proudly about Marcus and Justine, especially knowing that Justine might be another man's child.
I ventured a question about her, hoping I wasn't overstepping my bounds. “Are you ever going to tell her?”
“I've thought about that too, and the answer is no. I don't think there's any reason to tell her. For one thing, without a paternity test there's no way to know for sure. But Justine looks exactly like one of the guys Barbie was with in California.”
“So you knew who he was?”
“Yeah. They worked together.”
“What are the chances he would ever show up and want to be part of Justine's life?”
Lars scoffed. “No chance for two reasons. First, he was never the fatherhood type. Second, I think he passed away from a drug overdose.”
He was quiet for a few moments, then continued. “I don't think anyone would ever accuse me of not being a father to Justine exactly the way I have been to Marcus. I certainly love her as much as I love Marcus. As far as I'm concerned, I'm her dad and I always will be.”
We drove a short distance in silence, then suddenly he spoke. “I know the incident with Dr. Doug hasn't been cleared up yet. I want you to know I had nothing to do with it. I keep waiting for them to arrest me just to be able to say they have someone in custody, but thank God it hasn't happened yet. I hope you'll stick by me if it happens.”
Even if Lars hadn't said anything, I knew with sudden certainty that he hadn't killed Dr. Doug. “I will.”
We drove the rest of the way home in silence. As we turned into the long driveway, Lars pulled the car over, out of sight of the house, and glanced at me. “I had a great day. Thank you for everything.”
“I haven't done anything,” I said with a laugh.
“Yes you have. You've given me hope for the future, you've listened while I talked about my kids, you've said you'll wait for me. That's more than I could have imagined. I am a very happy man right now.” He reached for my hand and held it to his lips. “I'm just sorry I can't tell anyone but you how I feel.”
We went our separate ways when we got into the house, me to the kitchen and Lars to his office. I was floating on air, but like Lars, I had no one with whom to share my happiness. I busied myself making dinner, using the first of the produce I had bought in Hilo. I made a delicious-looking salad with hearts of palm and lettuce that had been picked that morning, a pomegranate vinaigrette, a tropical salsa to serve with grilled pork, roasted tomatoes and onions, and a fruit salad for dessert. When I served it to the family later, they all loved it.
Liko came to my room that night. “Barbie says she thinks Lars is going to be arrested for killing Dr. Doug.”
“What evidence is there?”
“You knowâthe jealous husband, Barbie and Doug carrying on right under his nose. It would be too much for anyone.”
“I don't think he did it,” I answered.
“Why not?”
“I just don't. I don't think he's capable of such a thing.”
“You never know what someone is capable of until they're pushed beyond their limits.”
“He's your
friend
, Liko. You don't really believe he killed Dr. Doug, do you?”
He shrugged. “I don't know what to believe. All I can say is, Barbie seems to think he did it.”
“It's all her fault,” I mumbled under my breath.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“You think Barbie had something to do with it?”
“I'm not accusing anyone, Liko. I just don't think it was Lars.”
“Well, don't say I didn't warn you.”
I didn't sleep that night, worried as I was about Lars, the kids, and their future. I couldn't believe the police had scraped together enough evidence to arrest Lars in Dr. Doug's murder. It had to have been someone else. A stranger. A burglar.
But what if Lars really did it? What if he's just lying about the future in order to get me on his side?
But why would he do that? What good would it do him to have me on his side?
My thoughts spun around and around until daybreak, when I finally dragged myself out of bed and made a large pot of coffee in the kitchen. I took a mug out on the lanai and watched the ocean come alive under the light of an orange-yellow dawn.
I was just getting ready to head back into the kitchen, when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I jumped and turned around. Lars stood there, mug in hand, smiling at me.
“Good morning,” he whispered.
“Hi,” I answered, a sudden feeling of happiness spreading through me.
He grinned and winked at me, then turned to go back to his office. I watched him go, feeling guilty for spending the night questioning him and his motives when I should have felt nothing but security and peace.
It wasn't long before Barbie appeared for breakfast. I served her homemade coconut-and-dried-pineapple granola on the lanai as she watched the ocean in silence.
“The ocean never changes, does it?” she asked softly. I didn't know whether she expected me to answer, so I just made an “hmm” sound.
“Everything can be going wrong in our lives, everything can be a mess, but the ocean is always there and it doesn't care what's going on.”
I was surprised to hear Barbie speak that way. She didn't seem to be given to philosophical thinking. I wondered if she was referring to her divorce. She looked up at me suddenly.
“Lars and I are getting a divorce.”
“I'm sorry to hear that.”
“We've grown apartâfar apartâover the years, so I suppose it's the only solution. What with his company and my job and the hours we both put in,” she said with a sigh, “I guess it was doomed to fail. We haven't told the kids yet, so please don't say anything.”
“I won't.”
She pushed her bowl away and stood up slowly. She seemed thoughtful and melancholy, but I couldn't help thinking it was her behavior over the years that had finally pushed Lars away, regardless of the hours they both worked for their jobs.
Of course
, I reminded myself,
there are two sides to every story, and I'm biased
.
They told the kids that night after dinner. The tension at the table as the family ate together was palpable, and I'm sure the kids knew something was wrong. When I heard Lars suggest that they all go to the family room, I knew he and Barbie were about to make their announcement. Though the kids had known that divorce was a possibility, it was going to be a shock to them to hear their parents announce it officially.
And that's exactly what happened. I was in my room reading when there was a knock at the door. It was Liko.
“Can't you hear the shouting?” he asked, almost in a whisper.
“No. Who's shouting?”
“Marcus. And Justine, a little bit. I don't hear Barbie or Lars at all.”
“Are they still in the family room?”
“Yeah. Do you know what the shouting is about?”
“I think so. They're telling the kids they're getting a divorce.”
Liko's eyes widened in surprise. “They are? Really? I didn't know that. How'd you know?”
“Barbie told me this morning.” I didn't feel the need to mention that Lars had told me before that.
Liko looked pensive. “I wonder what that means for us.”
I knew what it meant for me, but I didn't say anything. “I guess we'll just have to wait and see.”
He looked at me sharply. “You don't seem too concerned about it. Don't you worry that you're gonna lose your job?”
“If I am, there's nothing I can do about it. I'll just find something else. What about you?”
“I'll have to speak to Barbie. You know, see if she sees a future with me in it.”
I didn't answer. I doubted very much that Barbie would see a future with Liko. She didn't appear to spend too much time worrying about her love interests once the affairs were over. And her affair with Liko was sure to end, just like all the others had.
After Liko left, I pondered making hot chocolate for the kids and taking it to them, but I decided against it. Marcus had been so angry the last time I tried to comfort them after their parents had talked of divorce; I didn't want to risk enraging him again.
But about an hour later both Marcus and Justine came looking for me.
“I suppose you already know,” Marcus began.
I nodded. “I'm really sorry. Is there anything I can do?”
Justine's eyes were puffy and red. “No,” she answered, hiccupping. “Marcus wanted something to drink and I came with him.”
“How does hot chocolate sound?” I asked them.
“Okay,” Marcus mumbled. Justine added, “Can I have some too?”
“Of course you can.”
I busied myself making hot chocolate for them. As I heated the milk on the stove they both stood against the counter, staring at nothing in particular.
“I'll bring it out to the lanai,” I offered, and they trudged out of the kitchen.
When I took the cocoa on a tray out to the table, Lars had joined them. “Got enough for me?” he asked.
“Sure.” I went back into the kitchen for another mug. When I returned Justine was crying and Lars was holding her hands in his. He wasn't saying anything. Marcus just looked on, stone-faced.
I left the mug on the table and hurried away. I felt like I was intruding on something very private and personal. I went into my room and turned on the television in a feeble attempt to take my mind off the kids' grief.
There was another knock at my door just a little while later. It was Justine. “Thanks for the hot chocolate,” she sniffed. “It was really good.”
She looked so sad, so lost, that I gathered her to me and held her as her shoulders shook, her thin body wracked with sobs. “I don't think I'm going to live,” she said in a muffled voice. I pushed her away gently so I could look her in the eyes.
“Yes, you are. I promise. Everything looks terrible right now and very sad, but it won't always be like this. You'll get through it and so will Marcus. I just know it.”
“Justine?” Marcus stood in the doorway. “C'mon. You need some sleep.”
“I can't sleep.”
Barbie appeared just then. “I've got something that will help you sleep, Justine.” She took Justine's hand and drew her away, giving me a grateful look and a sad smile. “Thanks, Kailani.”
My stomach twisted with guilt and sadness. Here they were, in their saddest hour, and I was hiding my feelings for Lars from them. I felt terrible. I needed to talk to Lars about it. Once Barbie and the kids had gone off to the kids' rooms, I walked softly to Lars's office and knocked.
“Come in.”
I closed the door and stood with my back against it, suddenly nervous. “Lars? Can I ask you something?”
“Sure. What is it?”
“Do you feel guilty about the things you said to me, now that you've told the kids about the divorce and seen how they're reacting?”
He stood up from behind the desk and came over to me, taking my hand in his. “No, I don't. I'm glad I said those things to you. I don't want you to think that you are the reason we're getting divorced. Like I said, this marriage has been over for a very long time. We're just making it official. We shouldn't have waited this long.”
“If you're sure . . .”
He smiled at me and kissed my lips gently. “I'm sure.”
I stepped back out into the hallway and closed the door softly behind me. As I turned to go back to my room, I heard a quick, soft shuffling sound. Had someone been listening at the door? I had no way of knowing who it could have been, and I decided quickly that it would be best if I didn't follow the person. It could have been anyoneâBarbie, Liko, or one of the kids. I didn't relish the thought of
any
of them hearing what Lars and I had said to each other.