Authors: Yelena Kopylova
"What a set-up for a young lass when her father mustn't be told she goes to a dance," said Lizzie, which brought forth from Peggy the sharp and quizzical retort, "Remember, Mam, when I was fifteen I wasn't allowed out at all after six o'clock unless you were with me."
Lizzie turned in somewhat of a huff and made for the door, saying,
"Things were different then. This is nineteen eighty-three. There was a set of decent rules then; now they're changing partners every
night."
"And having babies at fourteen."
Lizzie turned from the doorway, saying, "Don't get bitter, Peggy.
What's done is done. And it was done for the best, although I must admit it didn't turn out like that. Anyway, you should be thankful that she's got a clean name, and so have you. "
"Oh Mam, for God's sake! shut up, and go home before I lose my temper.
"Clean name, and so has
she. " With a father like Andrew Jones? Let me tell you something, Mam:
I'd have been happy to have had a bastard and to have taken my chance on never being married. But I would have been married and happily.
"
"Oh, yes, yes, we know you would, dear, and to Charlie Conway. But it didn't happen like that and you've got to make the best of it."
As her mother stamped away down the drive Peggy stared after her. Make the best of it, she had said. She got what she wanted and left me with the rough end of the stick . An hour later Peggy was sitting by
Victoria's bed. She was holding her grandmother's hand as she said, "I won't be long. I'm just going to drop her off at the hall. It's the only chance she has of getting out on her own."
"Peggy?"
"Yes, Gran?"
"I'm going to say something to you now and I want you to promise me something, for I'm not long for this side of the curtain."
"Oh, Gran; you know you've been bad so often during your life ..."
"Yes, I know that, lass; I've retreated into illness;
but you know, and I know what's wrong with me now. I'm not living on morphine for nothing, am I? Now when I go there'll be a nice bit of money coming to you. She knows nothing about it. " She thumbed towards the wall as if her mother were just beyond and not at the far end of the corridor.
"Father left me a bit and she thinks I went through that a long time ago. She knows I've got some, but I'd never give her the satisfaction of telling her how much. I've always left my bank book locked away in that drawer." She pointed to the bureau. Then putting her hand under the pillow, she said, "There's the key. Now, a copy of my will's in there, too, and it's also with the solicitor. Please, dear, please, dear, don't cry, don't cry. Just listen. Now I want you to promise, as soon as I go, when you get that money, you'll take it and the child and go off somewhere abroad for a time. In the meantime, put in for a divorce. You've got enough on him. I know you want proof.
Well, engage a private detective. He'll find out his comings and goings to his so-called meetings, twice a week at least. Of course, you'll have to tell Charlie, but by the time you're free, Emma will be of age, such an age that he can do nothing to hold her. Now, promise me you'll do what I ask? "
She forced herself to say, "Yes, Gran. All right, yes," knowing that she wouldn't be able to do it;
there were so many factors against it: the old woman along the corridor depending on her; Charlie, who had given up a good part of his life waiting for her.
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However, she had to reassure this woman whom she had never understood but had come to love. And so, bending over her and kissing her softly, she voiced her feelings by saying, "I love you, Gran."
"And I you, girl. And I you, and always have. Now go on and dry your eyes, because you don't want to put another worry on that child's shoulders."
Peggy did not immediately go downstairs but went to her own room. And so it was that she didn't hear Andrew come in and enter the
sitting-room, there to see his daughter dressed for going out in her wide-skirted jersey dress, her black hair hanging loose about her shoulders, and wearing, of all things, green-lobed earrings.
He stood within the doorway looking at her for a moment. She had risen from the couch and was awaiting his approach, her consternation evident as if she had been caught out in some mis behaviour
"And where are we going dressed up tonight?"
He was standing close to her now, not a hand's- breadth between them.
And when she replied, "I... I'm going to a disco, Daddy," he stepped slightly back and his whole face seemed to crumble into disbelief as he said, "You're what! You're not going to any disco. By God! you're not. Since when have you been going to discos, I ask you? Since
when?"
"I've been to two before. Daddy. I ... I like dancing."
"You like dancing? Yes, I know you like dancing. We've danced, haven't we? Well, if you like dancing I'm always here. I come home practically every night to be with you, so if you want to dance, we'll dance."
He now thrust his arm out and pulled her tightly towards him and waltzed her round the table, saying, "One, two, three; one, two, three; one, two, three. That's how I started you, that's how I taught you to dance." Stopping now, he held her by the shoulders and, bringing his face close to her trembling one, he said, "How could you!"
When she tried to shrug herself from his hold, he said, "Don't do that!
Don't ever do that. Now tell me: who asked you to go to this disco?"
"Nobody, not really. All the girls from our class go there."
"It was a boy, wasn't it?"
"Leave go of my shoulders. Daddy. You're hurting me."
He closed his eyes tightly; then in a much quieter voice, he said,
"Pet, you know I wouldn't hurt you for the world, but you're hurting me. You want to leave me on my own tonight and go to a disco and let some spotty lout put his arms about you?"
"I'm turned fifteen, Daddy' her voice trembling now " I'm not a child any longer. I don't need . well, I've got to say it, I don't need petting. "
"You don't need petting? Well, well! You don't need me to love you any more? So you don't love me?"
"You know I love you. Daddy, and I ... I want you to love me, but ..
but I've got to ... " Yes? What have you got to . ? "
"Well, I've got to live. I mean, like ... like other girls do."
"Like your mother did, you mean? Throw yourself into the arms of the first lad who looks at you."
Emma's long-lashed eyelids blinked rapidly, her mouth opened and shut twice before she said, "Mother never did."
"Mother did, and at me. She was a slut. That's how you came about, because she chased me. Well, I'm going to see that you don't do the same."
"Leave go of me. Daddy. Leave go!"
"I won't leave go. You're mine, you understand? From the minute you were born you became mine. She didn't want you. I did, and you will always be mine, do you hear? I'll kill you before I let any
goggle-eyed, snotty-nosed youth put a finger on you." "Let her go!"
He swung round, still with Emma in his arms, and not until he saw Peggy dash up the room and pick the long, steel poker from its rest on the brass open-work fender did he release her. And then, his voice
falsely calm-sounding now, he said, "You use that, m'lady, and it'll be the finish of you."
"Mammy! Mammy!" Emma was clinging to Peggy now, her arms around her neck, crying, "Don't! Don't! Please, put it down."
"No, I won't put it down, dear. But stand aside. Go on into the hall;
we're going out. "
The girl moved from her mother's side, but now looked towards her father, and he, staring at her, said, "If you go to that place I'll never forgive you. Do you hear? You go there, and I'll never forgive you. And it'll be the finish of me. If she comes between us--' He now pointed towards Peggy without looking at her and repeated, " If she comes between us I'll finish it. I will. "
"Go on, dear. Get into the car."
When she knew her daughter was out of the room, and still with the poker in her hand, Peggy took a step towards him, saying, "Well, that should be enough for you, shouldn't it? enough proof. You've lost your hold over her. She's going to the disco and she's going to mix with young people of her own age. And no matter how fresh the lads might get they'll have a long way to go before they reach your
handling, won't they, Andrew?"
His face looked blanched. And now he brought out the words between his closed teeth, saying, "You think you've won, don't you? But I've told her what zyz
you were when you were her age: a slut. And I've told her how she came about. "
The poker wavered in her hand. She told herself not to do it, to turn away from him, to get out of the house. When he said, "That's shaken you, hasn't it? Now go and explain to her what made you ready to take your clothes off in the barn. Go on, explain it."
She felt the poker quivering in her hand. Turning abruptly, she flung it with a clash into the fireplace;
then she went out and got into the car. And there she sat in silence beside her daughter for a full minute; and neither of them spoke until, in a very small voice, Emma said, "I ... I couldn't go to the disco.
Mammy."
As quietly, Peggy answered her, "Yes, you could dear; and yes, you are!
And you're going to forget, at least try to forget what's just
happened. But... but now you've made a stand' she turned and looked at her daughter 'keep it up. Do you understand what I mean?"
Emma looked into her mother's face, and then making a small movement with her head before turning away and, gazing through the windscreen, she said, "I'm ... I'm afraid, at times. Mammy."
"What are you afraid of, dear?"
"Of ... of his Her dark head swung now from side to side before she muttered, 'feelings, possessiveness. I knew a long time ago it wasn't right when he wanted to ... The gulp she made in her throat was
audible, and Peggy put in quickly, " Wanted to what? "
"Nothing, nothing. I'll go to the disco. Come on, let's go. Let's go."
Peggy stretched her left arm and put it around her daughter's
shoulders, saying, "It's all right now. It's all right. Don't get agitated. We'll talk about this later. Now you're going to the dance, and there'll be Susan and Carrie there, and you're going to smile as if nothing had happened here tonight. That's one of the things you've got to learn in life; to smile and cover up your feelings."
The girl raised her head and looked at her mother, saying, "He said awful things about ... about you, Mammy."
"Yes, I know he did. And when we talk later I'll explain what really happened, and it won't be in the way he put it," and with similar emphasis she turned the key; but then allowed the car to glide
forward.
Five minutes later she dropped Emma at the hall, saying, "I'll pick you up at ten o'clock. Go on now, enjoy yourself."
Having turned the car, she wondered if she should make for the cottage to talk out with her mother what her next move should be, but thinking that
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would leave her grandmother alone too long, she decided to make for home again.
Going up the lane, she saw a car stop and Frank Conway quickly get out and turn as though awaiting her.
When she, too, stopped he said, "I could see it was you. Can you spare a minute to come in? I've got something to tell you. I think it's important."
Her heart missed a beat.
"About Charlie?" she said apprehensively.
"Has something happened?"
"Oh no; Charlie's all right. We had a letter this morning and one enclosed for you. He'll be back earlier, on Tuesday. No, it isn't about Charlie. Yet, it could help bring his wishes closer, lass. Come on. The car'll be all right there."
When they entered the kitchen May's voice came from another room, calling, "I'll be there in a minute, Frank." And when presently she appeared in the kitchen doorway she said, "I didn't know you were here, Peggy."
"Your husband's dragged me in. There's some thing he wants to tell me."
"He's going to leave me for you? I knew it. I knew it."
"Don't talk daft, woman. This is serious. Is there a cup of tea ready?"
"Yes, sir, yes; it's all ready. In fact, the tea's all set in the dining-room as usual and has been for ... let me see' she put her head on one side' how many years?"
"Go on, get in there, you idiot." Then he turned towards Peggy, saying, "Come in here a minute."
Seated around the end of the dining-table, both Peggy and May looked at Frank and waited. And what he said, was, "Well now, I'll have to start at the beginning. It was like this. We got a letter, passed on from the Newcastle office this morning concerning a woman who wants to sell her bungalow. It's out Corbridge way. They always pass out-of the-way jobs on to us. And this was certainly one. I went out there and found two bungalows set in what looked like nowhere. The lady was very talkative, and I gathered that they were on the edge of a big estate.
At one time, apparently, the area all around was to be built up with good-class bungalows, et cetera. But something emerged from the deeds of the estate that put a stop to this development. The two bungalows in question, though, had been standing from the year dot. Well, they were built pre-war, and they were still in good condition and they each had half an acre of land. Now this old girl is getting on and she wants to move into town. She's lonely and she plied me with tea and scones and the rest, and gave me information about her neighbours, whom she seems to like quite a bit. He's a commercial traveller and the wife's a cook
in a Newcastle hotel. Both seem to have good cars and to be
comfortably off. However, she informed me, she doesn't see much of him, Mr. Milburn. Well, she said, you know what commercial travellers are, and laughed and winked. Then suddenly she said, "Good lord! Talk of the devil." And she pointed to the window, saying, "There she is now! She must be seeing him off. He doesn't usually get home in the daytime. Well, I suppose with her being at work he doesn't think it much use." Frank looked from one to the other, and then, addressing himself solely to Peggy, he said, "You'd better hang on to something, Peggy.