How Does Aspirin Find a Headache? (28 page)
Read How Does Aspirin Find a Headache? Online
Authors: David Feldman
He believed that there was a women’s plot to take over the world, and that their secret meetings were held in the ladies’ rooms so that men wouldn’t hear. I have to admit that after my history of disastrous and humiliating relationships, the idea of gender-guerrilla warfare rings true to me.
Sorry things haven’t been working out, Mark, but by the time you finish this discussion, you will have delved as deeply into the female psyche as is genderly possible. Perhaps you will now be able to plumb the psyches of a woman as deftly as Richard Gere’s
American Gigolo
.
And What Are They Doing in There for So Long?
Many of the explanations mimicked the discussions above. Several women cataloged the checklist of make-up and grooming that must be undertaken before any restroom exit. But more moaned about clothing problems. Diane Larson is typical:
I defy any man to don pantyhose, a girdle, a slip, a tight skirt and high heels and then go to the restroom in record time after squeezing into a tiny cubicle barely big enough to sit down in without your knees hitting the door.
And one type of apparel not to buy for women with weak bladders was mentioned by Joan Cartan-Hansen: “Woe to the woman who wears a one-piece jumpsuit and practically has to do a striptease to answer’s nature’s call.”
Most of all, women wailed about the dearth of stalls in women’s bathrooms. Nothing makes men prouder about their gender than cruising into a men’s room at a ball game or concert while women stand glumly in long lines. Just in case men haven’t noticed it, women wanted to point out that their anatomy is slightly different from men’s. Even if women had more stalls in their restrooms and fewer make-up, grooming, clothing, and conversational distractions, it would still take longer for them to urinate than men. Several readers sent us graphic descriptions; Sharon Brandon was more discreet:
Men have more plentiful “opportunities,” shall we say, in their restroom, while women are often limited to a small number of closed, private stalls. I hope I don’t have to go into grade school health class review to explain any other possible time-consuming differences to you between men and women.
No, thanks.
Another reader made it clear that even if a particular gaggle of women entering a restroom is childless, women with children can drastically affect restroom timing. Among the factors that Judy R. Reis of Bisbee, Arizona, cited in prolonging restroom visits are the following: “helping the kids go potty,” “waiting for the women ahead of them to get done helping the kids go potty,” and “relinquishing their places in line to the women whose kids can’t wait to go potty.” Obviously, some of the kids in the women’s room are boys, not girls.
Most of the female respondents to this question were feeling a little sorry for themselves. But we know that all types of facilities are provided for women that are not given to men. At times, women’s rooms look more like Ethan Allen showrooms, with all sorts of paraphernalia. Rosemarie Gee of Ridgefield, Washington, reminisced with us about the restrooms in the library at her alma mater, Brigham Young University. They provided couches and chairs, so a woman could eat lunch there, the only place besides a small room in the basement where one could sit, eat, and study at the same time. Some women’s rooms even had beds! Rosemarie also mentions that many women’s rooms contain full-length mirrors and chairs by the mirrors, to assist in undertaking all the tasks that make women take so long in there in the first place.
But even stripped of all fineries, Gee insists that a woman’s task in the restroom is far more arduous than a man’s, and she supplied us with a handy comparison chart to see how a man and a woman’s trip to the restroom is likely to compare (your results might differ):
| Men | | Women | |
| Open door or enter doorway | | Open door or enter doorway | |
| Step to urinal | | Choose a stall Open door—maneuver in cramped quarters Hang up purse/coat Flush to ensure fresh water Wipe off seat Put on seat cover | |
| Unzip | | Unzip and pull down pants or lift up dress and pull down nylons. | |
| Do business | | Do business Use toilet paper | |
| Flush (optional) | | Flush Realign clothing Gather personal possessions Open door in cramped area Set personals on counter | |
| Wash hands (optional) | | Wash hands (likely) | |
| Dry hands (conceivable) | | Dry hands (optional) Gather stuff | |
| Leave | | Leave (eventually) | |
Obviously, if all the talking/make-up/child care/grooming behavior occurs as well, it is a wonder women ever emerge from the restroom at all. But faced with the thrilling prospect of rejoining their waiting specimens of male hunkitude, they always seem to come out eventually.
Submitted by Ray Bauschke of Winnipeg, Manitoba. Thanks also to Douglas Watkins, Jr., of Hayward, California; Edward T. Coglio of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania; Ish Narula of Upper Darby, Pennsylvania; John Heggestad of Fairfax, Virginia; Bruce Kershner of Williamsville, New York; T. Wenzel of Charleston, West Virginia; and Alice Conway of Highwood, Illinois
.
A complimentary book goes to Rosemarie Gee of Ridgefield, Washington. Thanks to the scores of readers who duplicated sentiments expressed above
.
FRUSTABLE 2:
Why do men tend to hog remote controls and switch channels on television sets and radios much more than women?
Right after the publication of
When Did Wild Poodles Roam the Earth?, Consumer Reports
published the findings of a survey conducted among their readers about remote control usage (thanks to one of our favorite correspondents, Kenneth Giesbers of Seattle, Washington, who called this to our attention). Their study indicated that men are more than twice as likely to hog the TV remote (38 percent to 15 percent). And not only do men “channel surf” more often than females (85 percent to 60 percent); they are less likely to complain about their mate’s surfing (66 percent to 43 percent).
Although the Frustable, as posed, refers to channel switching on radios as well, we received little response to radio station hopping. In fact, Jennifer Talarico, of Bethel Park, Pennsylvania, while concurring that men switch car radio channels far more often than women, did not agree that they exhibited this behavior at home. What accounts for the discrepancy? “At home, a man is too busy watching all three hundred channels on television to be preoccupied with the radio.”
How can we account for this male obsession? More than a few folks had a simple explanation, most eloquently stated by Donald Wiese of Anaheim, California: “Maybe men are simply jerks!”
Certainly a plausible theory, Donald. Indeed, most of the conjectures were not ones that would deepen men’s self-esteem. About the sunniest possible explanation that we received was that men are obsessed with gadgets and will play with them regardless of whether it advances any particular goal. Most correspondents, though, found far darker reasons for hogging remotes:
1. Men Need to Dominate and Control
“The remote control gives the man power. Plain and simple,” responds Kelli Zimmerman of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Lauren Goldfarb of Huntington, New York, issues a call to arms:
The male gender tends to dominate more than the female. Like it or not, the reality is that this world is still run by men. So you ladies at home, take control and refuse to give up the remote. It may be well worth it in the end.
So the battle of the sexes is waged not in boardrooms but in living rooms. Concurring with this sentiment is Kathy Smith of New Bern, North Carolina:
My husband is a “remote controlaholic” because he can’t control
me
—it’s a displacement behavior that gives him a feeling of accomplishment and superiority.
2. Men Are Hunters
Jerry Seinfeld has postulated that channel surfing is a modern equivalent of hunting for men. Lauren Goldfarb concurs:
In the cave days, men were hunters while women nurtured the family. The action of flipping the channels on the remote control is similar to the hunt. A man with a remote control in hand is a man with power, hunting for something exciting and interesting.
3. Men Require Instant Gratification
“Perform on command or I’m off,” says David Ohde of Weaverville, California, is the watchword of most men. Lane Chaffin of Temple, Texas, adds that because men watch so many sporting events, where dead time is clearly demarcated, this tendency is exaggerated.
4. Men Are Promiscuous
Why do men require instant gratification? Because they are used to insisting upon control/dominance, according to the readers mentioned above. But Lauren Goldfarb is back with a theory on this subject, too:
Most men don’t like to commit or get attached to just one show, which is not all that different from a typical teenage boy. A girl dreams of her wedding day while a guy dreams of how many women he will “have.” Why just have one when you can have them all?
Several readers indicated that women are much more willing to commit, in time and emotion, to one program. Who would have thought that remote control hogging could be directly traced to a fear of intimacy?
5. Men Are Mice
Men are animals, insists Karen Flanery, of Casper, Wyoming, and act like any other creature that scientists have investigated:
Remote controls are a prime illustration of the response-reward theory advocated by early psychiatrists. Mice, simians, canines, and felines soon learn to press a lever that will give them a reward (say, a piece of cheese). If the response is intermittently rewarded, the drive to press buttons intensifies.
Men didn’t receive much sympathy from our female readers, but we did receive a poignant note from Ruth M. Johnson of Tacoma, Washington, which testifies to the primal connection among males, channel surfing, and the beloved remote control:
This is purely a matter of control. The remote control device is an ideal way to drive a female out of her mind.
My husband died of Lou Gehrig’s disease in 1991 and the remote control was the last thing he was able to operate. At the end, he had to have a holder on his palm, which held a pencil to enable him to punch the buttons, but he never failed to change the station the minute I became engrossed in a program or to skim the channels so fast my eyes would glaze.
It was the only thing he could do for himself, so I let him carry on. The television has been on exactly three times since he left me for a better place.
Submitted by Patricia M. Delehanty of Poughkeepsie, New York
.
A complimentary book goes to Lauren Goldfarb of Huntington, New York
.
FRUSTABLE 3:
Why do some women kick their legs up when kissing?
Some of you believed that leg-kicking kissers are merely imitating the lovers in romantic, old movies. But this begs the question. Then why did the heroines in old movies kick their legs up?
Most of you were prosaic. You thought it had to do with a simple, anatomical truism: Women tend to be shorter than men. Bob Kowalski of Detroit, Michigan, had a typical response;