How to Be Brave (25 page)

*   *   *

I almost don't go to graduation because I hate last things. But I do, for my dad. I'm sweating under my polyester gown and the ceremony is cheesy and long and I can't sit for this long in the glaring sun, but in the end, when we throw our caps into the air, I can't help crying. We need finality. We need conclusions. We need to know when the old ends and the new begins.

After the ceremony and the obligatory Greektown lunch with Maria and all the cousins who drove in from the suburbs, Dad and I drive home in silence. He closed the restaurant for the day (only three weeks left until he closes it for good), so we have the whole day to ourselves, which is something we're really not used to.

“Tell me,
koúkla mou,
what now? What should we do?”

I blurt it out. “Dad, I don't want to move to California. I want to stay here in Chicago. Go to school here. Maybe live with Evelyn. Make sure she's okay. I want to live my life here.” I don't even realize that this is what I want until I say it aloud. And when I say it, I know it's exactly what I need to do.

He looks over at me, and he isn't at all startled or worried or unnerved. “Okay,
koúkla
. Whatever you want. We can figure it all out in good time.” He pauses. “But, I meant to say, what do you want to do today? For the rest of the afternoon?”

Oh.

I think for a moment. #8. “I want to go fishing. Do you know how?”

We stop home to change, and then he drives us up to the North Side, where we rent fishing gear and stroll along the Des Plaines River, where the forest preserves drown out the suburbs.

He shows me how to hold the rod and cast the line and how to sit quietly and wait. We catch a few pike—they are golden, stolid creatures—and then we unhook their mouths and throw them back in.

“Dad,” I say as we're packing up the car, “I'd like to go skydiving, too.”

He plants a kiss on my forehead. “Not today,
koúkla
. Maybe tomorrow.”

*   *   *

Somehow, I've made it this far. And now, somehow, despite all my deeply ingrained fears, I have to learn how to swing from four ropes twenty-five feet off the ground.

Shit.

But I made a promise to myself.

And to my friends.

With the money I earned from my painting sales, I offered to pay for their trapeze lessons if they would do it with me. There's a place on the lakefront where they teach you how to fly. “Come be a monkey with me,” I told them. Of course, they were all in, no questions asked.

So two weeks after graduation, a mere three weeks after my grand art debut and my reunion with Liss and Evelyn's shaky return to our world and my first kiss with Daniel, I'm here, suspended upside down, with all of Chicago inverted around me.

And this is what it's like:

I'm oscillating from one end of the ladder to the other.

The net is so very far below my head.

The blood rushes to my head and

my friends, they call out to me, and

I'm screaming and

laughing and

howling

above the world.

The entire city moves under me.

It's all there, waiting.

I'm marking air,

I'm moving time.

The molecules around me sway and

bump and

move right along

with me.

I'm doing everything.

I'm doing it all, Mom.

Even more than you could have ever imagined.

For me, and

for you.

 

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Thank you to Rose Hilliard, for your guidance, encouragement, and excitement. Thanks to everyone at St. Martin's Press, including Jen Enderlin, Anne Marie Tallberg, Michelle Cashman, Emily Walters, and Lizzie Poteet. Olga Grlic, thank you for the beautiful cover. A thank-you to Courtney Miller-Callihan, for your wisdom and grace; also, special thanks to everyone at Sanford J. Greenburger Associates.

So much gratitude to my soul sisters, Kate Eberle (also
the
very first reader), Aimee Kandelman, and Kara Noe. To my first readers, Pamela Zimny and J. A. Ward, who encouraged me to take the leap to send this story out into the world. Thank you to my California family: “Papa” Ray Elias, Chuck Bush, Karnit Galmidi (bubba), Michael Braun, Mandy Berkowitz, Jon Berkowitz, Hannah Maximova, Michael Hartigan, and Tessa Taylor. This also includes my Yoga Blend family: Christy Marsden, Bekah Turner, Nicole Honnig, and absolutely everyone at the studio. Thanks to my family in Chicago and Greece. Special long-distance hugs to Shirley Mann, for the weekly calls, candles, and “attagirls.” I am grateful to be surrounded by so much love.

I am eternally grateful to the Society of Children's Book Writers and Illustrators. Special thanks to Francesca Rusackas and Q. L. Pearce at the SCBWI SoCal chapter. Also, thanks to my writer friends, Lori Polydoros, Kathleen Green, Teri Keeler, Hilde Garcia, Amy Elaine Mills-Klipstine, Amaris Glass, Autumn Hilden, Farrah Penn, Frey Hoffman, and Antonio Borrego. Robyn Schneider, thank you for your good advice. Corrie Shatto, thank you for your friendship. Your spirit is a gift in my life. Over the past year, the YA Binders have added another amazing dimension to my community. To my writing teachers, Noel Alumit, Mandy Hubbard, and Margo Dill, thank you for your honest feedback and guidance. Thanks to the UCLA Extension and LitReactor for the fantastic classes. Thanks to my friends and colleagues at Pasadena City College and to my students for your constant curiosity and openness.

This book is also dedicated to my parents, Ted and Eleanor Kottaras. I miss you.

Finally, to the two loves of my life, Matthew and Madeline. In the moments that I am brave, it's because of you.

 

 

If you or someone you love is thinking about suicide, please call

1-800-273-TALK (8255)

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available to help.

For more information about warning signs and resources, visit

www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

E. Katherine Kottaras
is at her happiest when she is either (1) at the playground with her husband and daughter and their wonderful community of friends, (2) breathing deeply in a full handstand, or (3) writing. She is originally from Chicago, but now she writes and teaches in the Los Angeles area.

www.ekatwrites.com
. Or sign up for email updates
here
.

 

Thank you for buying this

St. Martin's Press ebook.

 

To receive special offers, bonus content,

and info on new releases and other great reads,

sign up for our newsletters.

 

Or visit us online at

us.macmillan.com/newslettersignup

 

For email updates on the author, click
here
.

 

CONTENTS

Title Page

Copyright Notice

Dedication

Epigraph

Part 1

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Part 2

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Acknowledgments

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Information

About the Author

Copyright

 

 

This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, organizations, and events portrayed in this novel are either products of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously.

HOW TO BE BRAVE
. Copyright © 2015 by E. Katherine Kottaras. All rights reserved. For information, address St. Martin's Press, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10010.

www.stmartins.com

Grateful acknowledgment is made to the authors to reproduce from the following:

Carol S. Eliel, Lee Mullican, Amy Gerstler, and Lari Pittman,
Lee Mullican: An Abundant Harvest of Sun
(Los Angeles: Los Angeles County Museum of Art, 2005).

Cover design by Olga Grlic

Cover photographs: girl © Ondine32/Getty Images; doodles © Oksana Alekseeva/Shutterstock

The Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available upon request.

ISBN 978-1-250-07280-1 (hardcover)

ISBN 978-1-4668-8467-0 (e-book)

e-ISBN 9781466884670

Our e-books may be purchased in bulk for promotional, educational, or business use. Please contact the Macmillan Corporate and Premium Sales Department at (800) 221-7945, extension 5442, or by e-mail at
[email protected]
.

First Edition: November 2015