How to Get What You Want: Without Having to Ask (Frank Feng's Library) (5 page)

And guess what makes things twice as tricky? Yep, that’s right: when both of you are emotional. Two upset, angry, resentful, worried people will double your problems, if not worse. So the first thing you can do to ease those emotionally charged conversations is to make sure that you have your own emotions under control. Look, I’m not talking about whether your feelings are justified here, I’m just talking about how to actually get the result you want.

Of course I know that isn’t always easy, but stay focused on what you want to achieve and recognize that keeping calm is the best way to achieve it, and that should help you to keep a lid on it. If you really can’t stay cool, just walk away until you can trust yourself with the conversation. There are plenty of ways to deal with other people’s emotions, but you’ll struggle to manage any of them until you have your own under control.

I just said that you need to control your emotions. But that doesn’t mean you can’t ever express how you feel. Just express it in words rather than by demonstration. Of course there are times when it’s important to let someone know that you’re disappointed, or angry, or hurt, or frustrated. They are more likely to give you what you want if they understand how you feel. However, it won’t help if you shout, or sulk, or burst into tears.

The way to let someone know that you feel angry is blindingly simple. You say, “I feel angry.” That’s so much better than yelling at them. No one wants to help someone who intimidates them—or puts them down, or makes them feel small, or puts emotional pressure on them, or makes them feel uncomfortable. So don’t do those things to people if you want them on your side.

In fact, to take it one step further, say “I feel angry when...” and then explain what the problem is. This phrase is handy because it’s not accusatory—you’re focusing on the other person’s behavior and not on them personally. No one wants to be told, “I feel angry because you’re being unreasonable/because you won’t listen/because you’re putting your interests first.” Much easier to hear, “I feel angry when I feel I’m not being heard/I feel my interests are being ignored.” It’s just a less confrontational, more constructive way to get the other person to listen to you.

Nobody likes being emotionally blackmailed. Some people may give in to it, especially if assertiveness isn’t their middle name, but they still know you’re doing it. And given half a chance they’ll say no to you. Personally I’m pretty intolerant of emotional blackmailers, and even if they have a valid request I find myself wanting to refuse them because I object to being manipulated.

“I’ll be in real trouble if you don’t help me with this....” “Please can I take Friday afternoon off? It’s my little girl’s ballet show and she’ll be so disappointed if I’m not there....” “Come on, let’s go out tonight. I’ve had a miserable week and I really need to get out, and there’s no one else I can go with.” All those requests are reasonable if they’re expressed without emotional pressure. It’s fine to explain that you want the afternoon off for your daughter’s ballet show, but not fine to lay on the emotional stuff—implying that if your boss says no they’ll be personally responsible for your daughter’s misery.

Emotional blackmail is a sly and underhand way to try and get what you want, and my experience is that people who use it may be successful this time, but in the long run they lose out. I wouldn’t want to be that kind of person, and I hope you wouldn’t either.

Besides which, it won’t actually get you what you want in the end, and people will be likely to see you as someone they’d like to say no to, even if they can’t always manage it.

You need to avoid being on the receiving end of emotional blackmail, too. Otherwise you’ll end up saying yes to things you don’t have the time or the enthusiasm for, just because you’ve been guilt-tripped into them. Some people, myself included, find this avoidance quite easy. Emotional blackmail irritates me and I give it short shrift. But I know that if you’re not very assertive, or you’re susceptible to guilt, it can be hard.

The first thing is to recognize it. If you’re feeling guilty or uncomfortable about the way you’re responding to someone, ask yourself if you’re being emotionally blackmailed. If the answer is yes, focus on that fact and not on the guilt they’re trying to engender in you. Listen, emotional blackmail is not responsible, adult behavior. It’s unfair and it’s manipulative and people who do it don’t deserve to get what they’re asking for, even if their request is otherwise reasonable. They’ve disqualified themselves by cheating.

Now just practice whatever technique you have for saying no to them, such as the stuck record technique. Sometimes it can help to challenge them, especially if you can do it with humor: “Careful now, or I’ll think you’re trying to emotionally blackmail me....”

And if that doesn’t help you to resist, think about this: Every time you give in to emotional blackmail you encourage that person to do it again. So you’re partly responsible for the discomfort of the next person who gets guilt-tripped, and the one after that...or am I just emotionally blackmailing you now?

Everyone deserves respect, and more to the point everyone wants it. If you remember that, people will be far more likely to be on your side, to want to help you when you need it.

How many neighbors, bosses, family or colleagues have you encountered who make you feel unimportant at times? Maybe they don’t bother to listen when you speak, or perhaps they ignore you because you’re junior to them, or they expect you to do things for them without asking properly, or they never bother to thank you for anything. I had one boss who used to take credit for all my ideas. I know
people who’ll shout at you just because they disagree with you. I had a colleague who wouldn’t make me a cup of coffee because she considered that I was slightly junior to her.

Then again, I once encountered an important client who insisted on making me coffee on the grounds
⁷
that I was much busier than he was at that particular moment. I’ve had other bosses in the past who credited my ideas (one who did so only when they turned out right, and took the rap herself when the ideas were lame), and neighbors who have brought me gifts to thank me for the simplest of favors.

I know which of all those people I’d want to help out and which I wouldn’t be bothered about. It’s especially important to treat people with respect as you become more senior—at work, in the family, as a school parent, or a local resident. People are especially sensitive to being ignored or put down by people they see as being senior. So even if you mean no disrespect but are just preoccupied or busy or in a hurry, you need to make sure you never forget to show people that you’ve noticed them.

I used to work with someone who was always in a hurry. Whenever she phoned she was on a railway platform waiting for a train, and had to cut you off when the train came in. Or she’d be cooking dinner while she talked, and had to put you on hold while she checked the oven. Or she’d be at the school gates and she’d have to go because her son was just coming out. And that’s when
she
called
me
. If ever I called her (which I tried to avoid because I found her so difficult to hold a conversation with), I’d be asked to call back later.

The net result of all this was that she gave everyone the impression that they were less important than everything else in her busy life. You always came second to the train, the oven, her son. (OK, maybe that last one is fair.) It was disrespectful and irritating and infuriating and patronizing.

Obviously I know there are times when you really are busy. There’s no need to initiate phone calls (or other contact) at those times and then cut it off abruptly. By all means have times when you mention at the beginning that you’re not free to talk. But make sure there are also plenty of times when you are available for a chat over the garden fence, or with a cup of coffee, or by the photocopier. Those are the times when people get to see the real you, and when you can show—just by giving them your time—that you value them. Those are the things that will get people on your side, not to mention being beneficial to themselves because both of you will feel better for it.

I know this seems obvious, but if people like you they’ll be far more likely to want to help you, preferably before you’ve even had to ask. It’s how
you
feel about other people after all, isn’t it?

Being likeable really shouldn’t be that hard. You don’t have to be the center of the party, everyone’s best friend. You can be quiet and likeable, too, you know. In fact, if you think about it, you probably like several people you don’t actually have much in common with, or even find slightly irritating, so long as the irritation is harmless—talking a bit too much, or being a bit too giggly and childish, or never sitting still long enough for a decent conversation.

Being likeable is really about being straightforward, easygoing, and friendly. A warm smile, a cooperative manner, no sulks or manipulating or temper or negative emotional outbursts. On top of that, aim to be a “what you see is what you get” kind of person. You say what you mean and there’s no bitching behind backs or deceit or arrogance. Think about people you consider likeable—not your best friends but people you know less well and just find that you like. You’ll probably find that they all fit that broad picture—straight-up, easy to chat to, good listeners (their conversation isn’t all about them), and you don’t feel uncomfortable that you’re about to say the wrong thing, or that they’re not all they seem.

I’m not sure you can just acquire a sense of humor. Sadly, you can’t go out and buy one. Everyone’s is different and some are more obvious than others. Some of us have more of a sense of fun than a sense of humor. That’s OK. What I’m saying here is that whatever your sense of humor, let it show—at least so long as it’s not catty or cruel.

Some people seem to feel that being humorous somehow undermines their authority or seriousness. They put their sense of humor away when they’re at work, or on the school board.

As far as I’m concerned, laughter is what makes life worth living. And the more you can make other people laugh, the more well-disposed they’ll be toward you. And that’s what you’re aiming for. Make people laugh and they’ll do anything for you.

It’s not only that though. The thing about humor is that it’s so distinctive: Each one of us has such a unique sense of humor that the more we use it, the more it defines our personality—in a positive way. When you shut down your humor you lose a large chunk of yourself along with it. So let it all out, don’t be afraid to see the funny side of things, and help others to see it, too.

You know perfectly well that everyone prefers dealing with honest friends and colleagues. The problem is that most dishonest people are under the delusion that they’re getting away with it. If everyone thinks you’re honest, well, that’s as good as actually being honest, isn’t it? Leaving aside the morals of the question, then yes—it probably is just as good. Except that everyone doesn’t think it.

Look, I’m not talking about occasionally blaming the traffic for being late when actually you know it was your own fault for cutting things a bit close. I’m talking about premeditated dishonesty to achieve what you want. Getting ahead by deception. Using lies to wriggle out of responsibilities. Adopting untruthful means to further your own ends.

Don’t imagine for one minute that you’re getting away with it. For sure, you may get away with individual instances. You may even be clever enough to make it work repeatedly. But other people can sense you’re not honest, and that will deter them from helping you. Maybe it’s your body language, or maybe you’re just a bit too good to be true, or perhaps there’s something small you’ve overlooked. They may not be able to pin it on you, they may not have any proof—or even any evidence—but they will simply know that they don’t quite trust you.

Far better to live the kind of lifestyle that doesn’t require you to lie, cheat, deceive, or manipulate. Just be honest—what’s the problem with that?

I was brought up always to say thank you, and I would feel really uncomfortable if I didn’t, in the same way I’d feel unpleasantly odd if I didn’t brush my teeth as soon as I got up. Actually my mother, who instilled this habit in me, was once given two black marks at school by her teacher—the first one was for bad behavior, and the second one was for being so cheeky as to say thank you for the first one. My mother had explained that she’d been brought up always to say thank you when she was given something. The teacher didn’t appreciate my mother’s sense of humor.

My mother was right though (well, in principle anyway). We may not always notice when we should thank someone else, but we certainly notice when we aren’t thanked. So don’t, for goodness sake, leave other people’s contributions unacknowledged. It doesn’t matter how small they are—no one’s going to complain that they didn’t want to be thanked.

Thanking people makes them feel good, it makes them feel warm and appreciated and cared about. It makes them feel it was worth the bother. Surely giving someone that kind of feeling has to be worthwhile in itself. And, on top of that, it makes them feel they’d be happy to do something for you again, because they know it won’t go unrecognized.

Some people can cope with anything. The world can fall apart about their ears, and somehow they just keep going. They manage a busy job, maybe a large family, plus they volunteer for a couple of charities, sit on one or two committees, and still find time to play tennis twice a week. They are clearly among the world’s copers, and they don’t seem to need any help or backup to get it all done.

So no one offers them any support. Obviously. In fact, if you really want something done, they’re the ones to ask.

All of which is great, unless you happen to be one of those people—and you want some help. You won’t get it, you know. Everyone will have decided that you don’t really need it. Presumably, as you’ve actually asked, you could maybe do with a bit of backup in an ideal world, but they needn’t feel any obligation because you don’t actually
need
them. You’ll cope. You always do.