Read How To Get Your Heart Broken Online
Authors: Rose Fall
I was
forced to let my instincts guide me as I tried to remain calm. I turned the
wheel ever so slightly in the opposite direction to correct my mistake. I just
narrowly avoided being flattened by the wall. When I realized I had survived I
was so shaken, I immediately stepped on the brakes, trying to give myself time
to process what had just happened.
I would
have died; I was so sure of it. Staring back at the curve, I could see how easily
my fate could have turned out differently, I could see it all in front of me
like it had actually happened and I’d gotten front row seats to the whole
thing. The thought was perplexing; it had me completely shaken and very afraid.
But then
there was this other feeling pulsating through my veins. I focused on trying to
process it. What
was
that? That
absurd mix of emotions, of excitement and fear, the feeling that every nerve in
my body was more alive than it had ever been. I couldn’t put a name to it, but
it felt like a gift. The mystery of it had me even more excited.
I let out
another scream of excitement, louder this time and then I geared up to go
again, even faster. At speeds so impossibly fast I couldn't dare to think.
My foot
inched towards the gas pedal. Just as I was mustering up all my energy to slam
it, I was distracted by the faint sound of skidding. I stopped automatically,
fearing what might have happened. Then the skidding continued and I knew
someone
had lost control of their car,
even worst then when I had, because it had become unbearably loud.
The sound
grew even after I thought it couldn’t get any louder; it sounded as if it were
leading up to an explosion. I kept my foot firmly planted on the brake and
turned my head to see what had occurred.
And then it
hit me.
I felt
nothing.
I couldn't
feel, that was the first thing I registered. It was the first thing that made
me worry. Was I paralyzed? Or just dead? The numbness of my body seemed to
intensify my emotions, and I could feel myself becoming more and more alarmed.
How could I
feel
nothing?
I saw
nothing.
Or rather,
I saw darkness. That was the second thing I realized. Maybe I was in a dark
room. It couldn't possibly be
that
dark,
I reasoned. I realized it was probably just that my eyes were closed. Or maybe
I was blind. Maybe I was
dead
.
The next
thing I realized was how eerily quiet it was. Like life had been put on mute.
And this supported my previous fear: that I’d been buried alive, or maybe this
was death. This awareness accompanied with immobility, an eternity of just lying
in a coffin and being able to register the horror of your fate but being
powerless to do anything about it. Surely not everyone was subject to it; maybe
I was in Hell. ‘
I knew I shouldn’t have
gone through with that stupid bet.’
But wait, I
registered one…two…three sounds. No, not the raging fires of Hell. They were
all strange yet familiar, and they occurred in regular intervals.
This was
all I could process. Everything else seemed like a blur, but it didn’t sound
like worms crawling into a coffin, so I could rule out being eaten alive. That
brought some relief, though irrational since I still couldn't remember where I
was, where I had been, or what had happened.
I could
only recall flashes, bits and pieces that made no sense. I couldn't piece them
together. It felt like trying to remember a dream from days ago. I couldn't
comprehend any of it. I was so frustrated by my confusion. Then, it was almost
as if the darkness was calling me, and I found it was much easier to succumb to
it then to try to make sense of this strange dream...
--
When I
opened my eyes, the first things I was greeted by were those bland white walls
that I associated with asylums.
Then I felt
these sharp, tortuous sticks in both my arms.
I noted the
constant beeping and an annoying
plop
!
sound.
I blinked,
trying to clear my eyes.
I moved my
hand slowly, and it came into contact with this uncomfortable, scratchy fabric
I seemed to be wearing. I could have sworn it was made out of fingernails.
I slowly
registered everything.
The cloth
was obviously not something I would have chosen to wear, the white walls meant
I was not in my room, and that beeping must have meant…
"Oh,
Eli!" She rushed towards me, throwing her arms around me dramatically. I
winced at the sudden impact, now registering the sound of muffled sobs.
The fact
that my mother was here must have meant that I was most definitely in the
hospital. I hadn't noticed the man that had come in with her until he shone a
bright light into my eyes. I groaned, blinking away from the unpleasant
surprise. He turned towards my mother, angling the flashlight towards her face,
which was resting on my stomach.
I inched
away from her arms, sprawled all over my body as he began, "Ma’am...would
you mind? I need to run some tests."
She lifted
her head slowly to turn towards him, "This is my daughter..." her
eyes widened, her runny mascara giving her an uncanny resemblance to a distressed
raccoon.
He kept the
flashlight on her face, nodding, although obviously unsympathetic. I would have
laughed if I could remember how to. He turned his head to look at this short,
plump woman with a kindergarten teacher’s smile whom I also hadn't noticed
before. He motioned his head towards my mother, and the nurse gently coaxed her
outside.
He turned
the flashlight back towards me once the door was shut.
"Don't
blink," he said before carrying on.
Then I had
to follow the light. Once he was satisfied with that he asked me how many
fingers he was holding up. It took some time before I could find my voice, and
when I did, it sounded more like two pieces of sandpaper rubbing together.
"Four,"
I croaked.
He looked
at his fingers then looked back at me. He lifted them again.
"Four,"
I repeated.
He held up
more fingers. "Six," I replied.
"Hmmm,"
he said. "Six fingers in one hand. What am I, an alien? I would say you're
seeing double, but that's not the case. When I hold up two you see four, when I
hold up four you see six…"
He shrugged
suddenly, "You'll be fine. But no driving." He pointed a stern finger
at me.
"I can
go?" I asked, surprised.
"Ha,"
he said humorlessly, "No." And then he walked out.
I looked
around the plain room, wondering how long I had to lay here. And that's when I
realized I didn't even know where Rachel was. I looked around for a bell I
could ring or something to get the doctor's attention. I started panicking,
fast. What if she wasn't okay? What if
she
was dead? It took all of my strength to sit up. I was exhausted by the time I
tried to stand up, and then I began to wonder what I was going to do with all
of the things attached to me.
Could I
just rip them off? That didn't seem like a good idea, not in real life anyway.
Maybe removing them slowly, I thought. Wearily, I focused on trying to remove
the first one.
"What
the hell are you doing?" Rachel asked, pushing me back down effortlessly,
after I’d used all of my energy to get up.
But it was
such a relief to hear her voice that I didn't fight it.
I stared at
her. "You're okay?" It sounded more like a question that an
observation.
"Why
wouldn't I be?" She asked, clearly confused. "Oh," she said a
moment later. "I'm not the one that crashed into you."
I stared
blankly, the details were pretty fuzzy, I just knew Rachel had been with me.
"What
happened?"
"How
much do you remember?" she asked.
"Skidding..."
I said, that was the last thing I really remembered.
"There
were a couple of guys racing. They made some sort of a bet,”
‘Oh the irony,
’ I thought. I’ve always
believed in karma.
“…There was
this scrawny blond one with really bad acne…” I wondered why this was relevant.
“…like he had something to prove. I should have known when I saw his beady
eyes…”
I yawned.
“Am I
boring you?” She asked quizzically.
I shook my
head, “Continue,” I replied hoarsely.
“Anyway,
the other two guys didn't think he was going to win, and he was determined to
win. Yada, yada, he didn't really know what he was doing. He was going really
fast and when he was going toward the curb he turned too sharply, and the car
started spinning out of control. Meanwhile,
you
for whatever reason just stopped in the middle of the track. The rest of us
got out of the way and we all tried to warn you but, there wasn’t any time
and... the car spun right into yours and you crashed into the wall."
I tried to
process what she'd said, but it wasn't any clearer. I still had no memory of
the accident.
"Is he
okay?"
"I
think so," she shrugged, "As long as your mother doesn't find
him." She sighed, "He shouldn't have been so stupid."
I finally
noticed the familiar figure standing beside her.
"Lauren?"
She waved
anxiously. "Are you okay?"
"Never
better," I smiled.
She bit her
lip. She actually looked like she cared,
how
sweet
.
"Seriously,
I'm good," I tried to reassure her.
Rachel
found a seat for herself on the edge of the bed, while Lauren stood as far from
me as possible, looking uncertain and uncomfortable.
"Are
you sure you're okay?" She asked.
I nodded reassuringly.
"Well
in that case....how could you do this to me?"
I stared at
her, perplexed.
“Mom and
Dad let you go for one nice, quiet summer at the beach and you almost get
yourself killed? Do you know what this means?"
I stared
blankly, not having the energy to shake my head no.
"I'll
never be able to go anywhere ever again, and it's all because of you."
"Wow,"
Rachel laughed, even she seemed surprised.
"I
missed you too," I croaked out sarcastically.
I guess she
would never stop being a pain, even when I had "almost died."
Rachel
hopped out of the bed. "I’ll be back…without this one," she said as
she wrapped her arm around Lauren’s shoulder and dragged her away.
I smiled at
both of them, though Lauren turned to glare at me one last time before walking
out.
---
I had
barely closed my eyes when the weird doctor popped his head back in the room.
“Your
boyfriend’s been here all night. He wants to know if he can come in and see
you.”
I gave him
a confused look. "Don't have one," I managed to choke out.
"Too
bad. You guys would be like totally adorable together," he said in the monotone;
I supposed that was his idea of a joke.
"So
how ‘bout it?" He asked when I didn't respond.
"Okay,"
I said, clearing my throat. I was curious to find out about this “boyfriend” I
didn't know I had.
I heard a
quiet knock at the door a few seconds later.
"Come
in," I tried to say. They seemed to get the message.
Now I
understood who my "boyfriend" was. As if I wasn’t aware enough of my
own body, the heart monitor started beating faster when he walked in.
“Hey,
Elle,” he stood by the door, as if afraid I could somehow hurt him, even though
I was lying helplessly in a hospital bed.
I smiled
bitterly. Always a coward, “Ryan.”
He took
that as permission to move closer. As he stood by the head of the bed, I was
reminded of that smell that I’d spent so much time thinking about at the beach
house. ‘
Why had I thought it was so
great?’
I wondered when he began stroking my forehead. Not that he smelled
terrible, but there was nothing special about his combination of Speed
deodorant, cigarettes, and that lavender detergent his mom still used to wash
his clothes.
“Drag racing?
That was really stupid, Elle.” I could hear the erratic beeping of the heart
monitor again; I just hoped he didn’t mistake it for anything besides
annoyance.
“Not your
problem anymore,” I croaked. My frustration increased when I realized how
ineffective my voice was in portraying my anger. It reminded me of Jessie
saying I needed anger management classes, now I couldn’t yell even when I had
reason to.
“I guess
that’s fair. Look I know you still hate me‒”
“I don’t,”
I cut in. And it wasn’t just for the sake of argument; I’d meant it when I told
Jessie that I didn’t think Ryan could help himself. Besides, somewhere along
the line I’d realized that being angry with him took too much energy and
especially now, I was too tired.
“Really?
You’re not?” I could tell by his tone he didn’t believe me, probably thinking
this was another one of my games.
“I’m a
better person than you.”
“I know,”
he whispered. He seemed to believe it, though I only said the words to spite
him. “You always were,” he smiled.
“Why are
you here?”
“Believe it
or not I was worried about you… Look I’m not here to ask for you back, or even
to apologize. What I did was screwed up and we both know it. But we’ve been
through a lot together. Where else do you think I’d be? I know you don’t need
anyone and you can take care of yourself, but you know where to find me, just
in case.” He leaned down and kissed me just like I’d been wishing he would,
until I stopped wishing he would. It lasted less than a second, and then he was
gone.
When had I
stopped wishing he would? I was reminded of that dream where I felt nothing.
The realization that that chapter was truly over and the thought that this was
all Ryan and I amounted to, after everything we had once been, left me feeling
surprisingly empty.
Fortunately
I was given no time to dwell on it.
I
smiled at Jessie and Ash. I noticed Ash’s puffy eyes and red nose; her eyes
began to water even as she wearily approached the bed. I tried to look as
un-sick and energetic as I possibly could.
"Hey
Ash," I smiled. "How’s it going?"