How to Outrun a Crocodile When Your Shoes Are Untied (13 page)

“Zack?”

Everybody turned to look at me quizzically. Sugar cocked her head and batted her lashes, while Daz stared openmouthed, trying not to laugh. Mom's eyebrow furrowed with pity.

OH.

MY.

GOD.

The silence was so loud it hurt my ears. My eyes blurred, and the only thing I could see was Darwin the parrot bristling his feathers, bouncing eagerly in his cage beside the sofa. He
hated
a quiet room.

“
Braak! Zack! Braak! Zack!”
he squawked, his tinny voice echoing around the room.

Kill
me
know.

“I mean,
yeah
! Yeah. Yes. I, uh…absolutely!” I plastered a twitchy smile on my face.

I had totally meant to say
yeah
, but my brain completely spasmed. Maybe I have a tumor? An awful brain tumor hanging out in my skull taking up space in a very important part of my brain that helps me talk? And stupid Charles Darwin?! What kind of a friend was he?!

Josie leaned away from me with a hard smile and looked to the camera once again. “Well, there you have it! More after the break, where we'll discuss Shep's future plans for Hollywood. What you need to know and more, coming up next.”

The Number One Rule of Going on Television Is:

1.
Don't look like a baked trout.
Do not go on television.

Five Places to Live, Now That My Fate Is Sealed

1.
New Zealand. The obvious choice, but seeing how Liv is too busy with Leilani, I'd better keep looking.

2.
London. I could buy myself one of those salt-and-pepper hats and go around saying “Cheerio” to everybody, like Mr. Miller. Plus, that's where Mary Poppins lives, and I could sure use a nice nanny to feed me treats and sing to me. Or one of those awesome flying umbrellas so I could travel without a hassle.

3.
Oz. I mean, now that Dorothy's dealt with that awful witch, it doesn't sound like a terrible place to be. Maybe “somewhere over the rainbow” is the place for me.

4.
Mexico. Not sure why this is on the list, but I do hear about an awful lot of people that go there looking for a new life.

5.
The moon. Wasn't that rich guy who owns that airline trying to fly people to the moon? I wonder what I'd have to do to get on that list. Actually, maybe that guy is looking for a daughter.

“Dolphins, whales, elephants, and several other animal species can experience shame.”

—Animal Wisdom

I had to escape. After the interview that could only have been orchestrated by the god of the underworld, Daz and I got a ride from Mom to meet Bella and Kevin at Shaken, Not Stirred for a disaster meeting. Well, Bella and I were going to talk. I'm pretty sure Daz just heard about the possibility of ice cream.

I couldn't wait to get out of the house, away from Mom and Dad, but especially Grandpa. Mom promised me she had nothing to do with what Grandpa had said—that she was just as surprised and sorry that it had come out like that. She must have felt pretty sorry for me because she handed me a twenty from her wallet and told me to get “as much ice cream as it takes.”

Nobody mentioned the word
Zack
the entire way to the mall.

Bella was waiting in a booth, looking at a menu, and the second she saw the three of us plod in, she got up from her seat.

“I'm so sorry, Ana. I just saw.” She reached out to give me a quiet hug, ignoring my brother, who had already snatched the menu from her hand.

“Thanks.” I slumped into the booth beside her and hung my head. I had to admit, as awful as all this was, I was grateful to have Bella around. She was like the exact opposite of Liv, totally shy and had zero advice for how to deal with Sneerers. She didn't call me a wimp once.

Kevin and Daz slid into the booth across from us. Kevin grabbed the menu from Daz, glanced at it, and dropped it on the table. He laced his fingers together. “Well. That was something,” he muttered.

I scoffed. “Yeah. Sure was. Captain Charisma, right here,” I huffed. I had no idea why Kevin was acting so annoyed—it wasn't like
he
had gone on television and made a huge fool of himself. He got to watch me do it from the comfort of his own living room. That wasn't in the middle of a hippo breeze either.

“I need help, guys. How can I get out of this? I will never live this down, and tomorrow it's only going to get worse.” I let my head fall against the table with a thud. For some reason, my failed art project bubbled up into my mind. I still hadn't thought of something to replace the crummy one I'd given Ms. Fenton. A dark thought crept over me. Was my true self
seriously
a big loser who said stupid things on live TV? Was I doomed to feel like this forever?

Bella tapped her fingers on the table while Kevin and Daz stared at the menu. “I think I'll have a banana split,” Daz said suddenly, perking up.

I glared at him.

Typical.

Kevin, who was normally really helpful, was sitting there scratching his head looking like he had something more important to be doing. When the cute waitress strolled over to take our order, he barely looked up.

“What's up with you?” I asked, poking him from across the table with a straw wrapper.

He didn't answer; instead Daz piped up. “Kev's bummed that he got the last question wrong on his social studies exam,” he said, throwing him a quick look.

I gaped at him. “What? Kev, you're a genius. I doubt you got anything wrong. You never get anything wrong,” I said.

He swiped some rogue hair from his dark eyes and glared at me. “Sometimes I get things very wrong, Ana.”

Whoa.

Bella shifted beside me, and Daz shook his head. What was
his
problem? Did I really deserve the stink eye? I almost opened my mouth to snark at him, but Lacey had sidled up to the booth with our orders.

“Thanks, doll,” Daz said, giving her his trademark skeezeball wink. Lacey ignored him and wandered back to her textbooks behind the counter.

“Let's focus on the positive,” Bella said. “School is done, so you only need to face them at the presentation and at the dance on Monday night.” I made a face. “If you go, that is,” she added quietly, peering at Kevin. “Maybe you could pretend you're sick? Don't you guys have all sorts of jungle diseases going around the zoo?” Bella said quietly through the tension, giving Kevin a swift glance and twiddling with a piece of her short hair.

She took a drag from her Funky Monkey shake. I was really starting to like Bella, but it was weird to be drinking shakes with someone other than Liv. I might have even felt guilty if Liv wasn't off having adventures of her own without me. I wondered why we never hung out with Bella before Liv left.

“You need to pretend-catch some awful, twenty-four-hour jungle disease!” she went on.

I gave a halfhearted shrug.

“The only problem with that, Bella,” Daz said, mowing into his banana split, “is that most jungle diseases are pretty serious. There's a good chance that if she could convincingly fake one, Mom would escort her directly to the hospital and into quarantine for weeks.” He slurped a dribble of caramel sauce from his chin. “And let me tell you”—he waggled his spoon at her—“quarantine sucks.”

“It's true. Mom would definitely know I was faking. And quarantine
does
suck,” I told Bella. I poked my straw through my vanilla shake, mixing in the whipped cream. “Maybe I could ‘accidentally' hit my head on something and get amnesia? Does that have to last forever?”

Bella squinted; I could tell she was searching for data in that history buff brain of hers. She tapped her mouth with her index finger. “Maybe you're approaching this the wrong way,” she said. “Maybe you need to just change your strategy. That's what all the great warriors did,” she said with a gleam of intrigue in her eye. Daz looked up at her and gave an approving grin.

Honestly, the only times I saw Bella get excited was when she was talking about stuff that happened over a century ago. I liked the idea of being a warrior though. I had visions of myself in leather armor with a sword.

“Go on,” I said, stirring more whipped cream into my ice cream.

She sat forward and cupped her hands around her shake. Her brown eyes were bright. “Well. Take Alexander the Great. He was never defeated. Never defeated! He conquered
half
the known world in his lifetime. But here's the thing: every time he faced a battle, he didn't sit back and let his men fight. He stood out there on the front lines himself. He wasn't afraid of anything and spent his time thinking about strategy—not about fear. He didn't let fear get to him.” She settled back and nodded, like she was quite happy with her point.

Daz stared at her with wide eyes, but Kevin was still grumbling to his chocolate shake.

“So…you're saying I should charge out there on a horse and hack off the heads of my enemies?” I was joking, but deep down the idea was catchy.

“No. I'm saying it was really brave of you to say you'll do this in the first place. That bravery can help you now, to figure out a strategy for
rocking
this presentation.” She poked at her shake.

Brave
.

The word echoed in my head as I stared at my whipped cream. When I was teaching Beatrix about crocodiles I'd had that electric feeling buzzing through me as I saw the amazed look in her eyes. I knew I wanted to teach people about cool animals, but
was
I brave? How come I never felt as brave as Mom or Grandpa? You didn't see
them
dropping their hairbrushes in fake presentations or having panic attacks in front of a camera.

And how come despite the Sneerers and Grandpa turning this into a national event, I
still
felt the bubbling excitement of getting to do it again? Was I just stupid? Or was
that
the brave part of me? I pictured a tiny seedling of bravery inside me, trying so hard to grow. Through all the fears and scaredy-cat moments I had, that teensy bit of brave still kept pushing.

Even if I was never going to be as awesome as Mom or Grandpa, I could still try. If Bella was right, then not doing the presentation would probably kill that tiny brave part completely. And I didn't want it to die.

I wanted it to grow.

“Okay,” I said, letting a shudder of nerves wash over me. “You're right. I'll do it. Strategy. Yes.”

She grinned and took out her history book of the week while I dug around my backpack for my notebook. I had some planning to do.

“You'll be there tomorrow, right?” I looked to Kevin and Bella.

Bella looked at me like I had grown a third eye and twisted some of her short hair in her fingers. “Of course I'll be there.”

A small rush of relief swept over me. “What about you, Kev?”

Kevin glanced up from his shake at hearing his name. “What? Oh. Yeah…I don't know if I can go. Computer at home has a virus. I told Mom I'd clean it up,” he mumbled.

A dull sinking feeling took over my stomach, but I didn't let it show on my face. “Oh. Okay, no problem.” I swallowed a mouthful of shake bitterly. So Kevin had to fix a computer. That was understandable, right?

Bella reached out and touched my arm. “You can do this,” she affirmed, giving me a hard nod.

I had less than twenty hours left.

My strategy? I would know absolutely everything there was to know about all the reptiles in my presentation. I would spout out reptilian knowledge like a fountain of amazingness and become one with my audience, just like my mom. I would ride my chariot with my head held high, using my intelligence and charisma like a blade and blast the audience with the greatest educational presentation they'd ever seen.

Yes. It would be epic.

I leaned my head back against the vinyl plastic of the booth and stared at the ceiling. An ancient spiderweb hung above me, with the teeny, dusty carcass of a fly swinging back and forth in the breeze from the vent. I couldn't help but think that, come tomorrow, that poor fly and I could have a lot in common.

Brave Ladies Who Would Most Definitely Not Be Scared of Presentations, So I Should Just Woman Up and Do It Already (commentary by Bella in italics; Daz in bold [ugh])

1.
Christine, from
The
Phantom
of
the
Opera
. She's an understudy at first, but then ends up owning the whole show and sings her butt off. And the phantom completely loves her, even though he's kind of a weirdo.
I
haven't seen this one yet; maybe we should watch it this weekend!
Is
this
the
one
with
the
guy
who
wears
that
mask? What's with the mask? Is he like a zombie hiding his face?
No, Daz. The phantom isn't a zombie. He's misunderstood. God.

2.
Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge. She started off life as a normal person and now she's married to a prince.
Can
you
believe
how
she
always
looks
so
nice
and
graceful? Plus, she makes those weird fascinator hat things look classy. Nice and graceful.
SNORE.
It's TRUE, Daz. She wouldn't be afraid of giving a presentation, so I'm keeping her on my list.
Whatever, it's your list.

3.
Katniss Everdeen. The braid. The bow.
Peeta.
Do you think Mom would let me bring a bow and arrow to my presentation?
I
don't think those are allowed in zoos. Maybe we could get you a nice mockingjay pin, to boost your confidence?
RAWR.
YES, DAZ—WE GET IT.
Oh
sure, you can be all “blah blah, Peeta is sooo dreamy!” But as soon as I mention Catnip being hot you bite my head off…

Honestly, that trip to the moon is looking better by the second.