How To Set Up An FLR (8 page)

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Chapter 9: Overcoming Fear & Guilt

Two of the biggest obstacles many women run into is the fear of failing to meet her partner's expectations and the guilt that comes from issuing orders and doling out discipline. With most couples, when they are first starting out together, they each find ways of punishing their partner when he or she does something that goes contrary to their own wishes. That is to say, if a woman doesn't like something her partner did, she will find a way to punish him for it. Normally this punishment takes the form of denying him any form of sexual pleasure. Come on ladies, admit it. You would get angry and withhold sex until he either apologized or made up for his mistake in some way. If the female partner was the offending one, men usually get angry and yell or belittle their partner. There are better ways of handling things.

Let's face it, neither of these methods is conducive to a happy, healthy relationship. What ends up happening is that one partner or the other begins to feel less and less appreciated as time goes by. Perhaps it's the reason so many couples seem to drift apart. If you make a good agreement as outlined in the last chapter, then you are on your way to a happier, healthier relationship. Don't stop now!

If you included a section for discipline (and/or punishments) in your agreement, then you owe it to yourself and your partner to apply that discipline (or punishment) as you promised you would. So let's take this one step at a time.

First of all, your partner agreed to whatever punishment or discipline you outlined in your agreement. That means that he expects you to correct his behavior if he fails to keep his end of the bargain. You owe it to him to do what you agreed to or else your agreement isn't worth the paper (or computer screen) it's printed on. If you have any fear of failing, you should remind yourself that doing what the agreement calls for is what is expected. You can not fail if you are simply following the rules the two of you agreed upon.

This fear can be easily overcome by asking your partner one question, “Does it upset you when I punish you?” If the answer is, “No,” then you should be able to overcome your fear quickly and easily. I have done some “unscientific” research on my own and I can tell you with conviction that most men who want to be controlled in an FLR also want to be punished for misbehavior. In fact, my research shows that most men in an FLR feel that their partners don't punish them severely enough or often enough.

If in doubt, talk about it. Your partner is the best source of information about punishment and discipline you have anywhere. He knows when he deserves to be punished and he knows that if you are not strict enough he will continue to misbehave. So when you find yourself questioning whether or not to punish him, do it! If he misbehaves in the same way again, then you must punish him more severely. Continue to increase the severity of his punishments until he learns his lesson.

Another option is to simply ask your partner what he feels would be an appropriate punishment for his misbehavior. First, scold him. Let him know how disappointed you are with his behavior and then ask him what he thinks you should do about it. Don't let him say, “whatever you think, Mistress.” That's a cop out. Make him come up with something then do it. Or better yet, do something a little more severe.

I had this problem when I first took control of my relationship. I was too timid when it came to punishments and I was afraid of being too strict or severe. I made my husband tell me what he thought I should do when he failed to wash the dishes one night. I was thinking of spanking him with about ten licks on his bare bottom. He suggested that he deserved twenty-five licks on each cheek with my hairbrush. I was taken aback. I was not expecting him to come up with such a severe paddling. But I decided right then, that I had been going far too easy on him in the past and I gave him the twenty-five he had suggested. He has never failed to wash the dishes since. Now, I rely on my own intuition as to how severe a punishment should be. I just needed a little confidence to get me started, and that was it.

Don't be afraid to show your anger. I
do not
recommend taking your anger out on him, only that you let him know how angry you are. You delay his actual punishment until such time that you will be able to control your anger. Just remember to remind him how angry you were at the time and make the punishment severe enough that he won't soon forget it. If you take it too lightly, he will push your limits again.

Now, about those guilt feelings you may have. I can talk until I am blue in the face about how you have no reason to feel guilty about anything you do, so long as you are keeping to the rules of your agreement, but we both know it will do you no good. So, here is a little exercise you can use to help you overcome them. Remember that list of punishments and disciplines you and your partner came up with? If he wanted anything more severe than you finally agreed to, then you have something to lean on. Ask him for a copy of the list he made. Look at it every day until you realize that he wants more than you agreed to give. Feeling guilty about it will get you nowhere fast.

If your guilt feelings stem from your upbringing, such that you are uncomfortable being in control, that is normal. After all, your whole life people have told you that the man should be in charge. Well, I am here to tell you differently. Look at this way, if you do the simple things you will learn in this book, then you will be giving him more sex than he ever expected to get from you. That's right. He will get more than he ever has before. It is just not exactly the same as he might have expected before you made your new agreement.

If you give him daily teasing, or at least allow him to please you sexually on a daily basis, he will not only be happier than he ever would have been in your old relationship, but you are actually giving him more than you ever thought you would. Believe me, he will be happier when you keep him aroused and when you punish him properly. He may not have agreed to spanking in your first agreement, but I am sure he eventually will. Even if you did not put spanking in your agreement, try giving him a few playful swats on his bottom once in awhile just to see his reaction. Chances are, he will enjoy it. He will probably find them to be erotic. If he does, then you have opened the door for spanking in your next negotiation.

Your fear and guilt feelings may be deeply rooted in your upbringing. It is imperative that you work on it. The best resource you have is your partner. Do not be afraid to talk with him about it. He is the best support you will ever have. Even if it takes you years to overcome all your feelings of guilt, especially when it comes to discipline and punishment, talk with your partner and he will help you to overcome them, especially if your new relationship was his idea.

Another good resource is your friends. You don't have to tell them all about your relationship if you don't want to, just tell them that he has asked you to take charge of some parts of your relationship and that you are having guilt feelings about doing it. Friends can be very supportive. If there is one in whom you feel that you can confide, use her (or him) to help you to be the woman you both want. He will respect you for it.

There is something else you should be working on in this new relationship, respect and self confidence. If you want respect, you can not order him to give it to you. You have to “command” respect. That is, by holding to your agreement and doing what is needed when it comes to discipline and punishment, you will command his respect. You should also respect him for upholding his end of your agreement as well. After all, if it were not for him, there would be no one to help you become a stronger, more assertive woman. And that should be one of your personal goals.

When I first took over as Mistress to my husband, having been his slave for a few years, I had some real confidence issues. I didn't know how to give orders, how to make him comply with those orders, and what to do about it when he didn't. I consulted a woman I knew who had been a Femdom for years. She told me what I needed to do to build my confidence and I am going to pass that information on to you.

Start out with something easy. Tell him that he is expected to open doors for you. Any time you are together, he should open any door you come to, including the car door. Now that he has been told, don't remind him, simply wait until he figures it our for himself. For example, when I first started this plan, I would walk up to a door, whenever we came to one, and stand next to it near the edge that opened. I would not move until he came and opened it for me. I did the same with the car door. I always made him drive, as a chauffeur. If he made the mistake of getting into the car without opening my door, I would simply stand there until he realized his mistake. It didn't take long before I gained a little confidence. Once he understood the rule, I would spank him with three smacks on his posterior any time he made me wait for him to remember his duty.

After that, I started to feel more comfortable giving him orders to do chores around the house. I would put them to him more or less as a suggestion. For example, I might say, “The living room carpet needs to be vacuumed sometime today.” If he didn't pick up on the hint and vacuum the carpet, I would scold him that evening while there was still time for him to do it. If he still didn't do it, I would make him explain why and then make him suggest a punishment.

As time went by, I grew more and more confident and he became more and more compliant and respectful. I no longer ask him what he thinks would be an appropriate punishment. I know what to do and I do it without hesitation. It worked for me, and I am sure it will do the same for you.

Knowing what your partner wants (or expects) from you can go a long way toward helping you overcome any fear or guilt you may have concerning your new role. Review the chapter on communication to help you help yourself. Remember, there are two of you in this together. Odds are, he is also struggling with a new role and he is looking to you for guidance. So together, you can make things work. Talk, talk, talk!

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Chapter 10: Chastity

Male chastity is not exactly a new idea. It has been around at least as far back as the Middle Ages, possibly a great deal longer than that. There are stories of eunuchs (castrated men) used by Turkish sultans to guard their many wives and concubines. Instead of using a chastity device, they simply used the ultimate in male chastity. However, we are more civilized today.

Over the past twenty years or so, many devices have been invented to keep a man from “straying.” Male chastity has grown in popularity in recent years to the point where these devices are now showing up in your local sex shop and in just about every on-line sex toy store on the Internet. In fact, it has become so common place these days that many people have become more open about their use. That is to say, many men no longer hide the fact they wear such a device.

The question is, do you need (or even want) to use chastity in your FLR, or can your partner be trusted to keep his willy in his pants where it belongs? Actually, there are many reasons why a couple might choose to use a male chastity device, other than fidelity. Some woman want that feeling the power and control they get when they snap that lock shut. Some men, love the feeling of submission they get from that very same action. Then there is the question of orgasm control. If you intend to control when your partner is allowed to ejaculate, then you might need a chastity device. It is a great way to prevent unauthorized masturbation or even nighttime emissions.

Let's take a look at some of the pro's and con's of male chastity. Certainly, a male chastity device of almost any kind will prevent masturbation. But do you need to? Will you be wanting to control his masturbatory habits? Maybe he doesn't normally masturbate. Then, again, if you are going to be using tease and denial to aid in controlling his behavior, he just might develop a masturbation problem. If he does, then you will certainly want to use some kind of device to prevent that. So, masturbation (or orgasm) control is a pro.

If your partner would have a need for the device to be removed often, perhaps because of his job, or  a medical condition, then you might not want to use a chastity device. Of course, if he travels a great deal, especially by air, you would want to use a device that would be less likely to cause problems getting through airport security (or not?). There are many considerations to be made when deciding whether to use a chastity device or not. Maybe your partner would actually relish the idea of having to wear such a device in situations where he might have to reveal the fact, even have to show it off. High travel might be a con for you.

Many men actually do enjoy being controlled with the use of a chastity device. They love the feeling it gives them knowing that their partner, and only their partner, holds the key. There are actually professional key holders who do little more than keep a man's chastity key so that he can get those feelings of being controlled, even though he has no partner to tease him or even gratify his sexual desires. Put simply, it's a submissive thing.

Some of the less obvious drawbacks to using any kind of a chastity device are:

They can sometimes cause irritation to the penis or balls.

They can sometimes be detected even under loose-fitting trousers.

Chastity devices can be expensive (even the 'cheap' ones).

Keys can become lost.