First, stop. Count to ten. Do you have grounds for complaint? Be very friendly, present the problem and ask what they can do to assist you. You don’t want to alienate your target. Get them to empathise.
Always complain in a slow, low voice. If you start in a screech you will have nothing to crescendo up to.
Always aim to have a captive audience, evidence, a witness and an alibi, and a packet of tissues – for any dramatic eye dabbing.
They should immediately seize the offending garment or dish (if in restaurant) and offer a full and immediate replacement or refund.
Remember: never get too irate and don’t lose sight of the fact that YOU are the victim.
Never throw food over the waiter – you lose the evidence and it weakens your case.
Always get the name of the idiot who is not assisting you, and assure them you will contact their boss.
Promise also to contact the press, do an exposé, call the police, lawyers, BBC’s
Watchdog
, etc., etc. Voice could perhaps waver at this point.
If all else fails, get your coat and entourage and LEAVE IMMEDIATELY.
Never back down, or apologise if they are in the wrong.
Don’t look over your shoulder.
You can make counterattacks via phone/letter from the safety of your home, with the advantage of time, clarity and distance on your side.
Always make sure your opinion is heard.
How to behave stylishly when dining out
When eating out it is vital to observe a few extra rules of etiquette, in addition to your general good manners.
1
Try to make a reservation in advance. This always impresses and endears you to the staff.
2
If bringing children ensure they are on their BEST (quiet and non-foodthrowing) behaviour. Warn restaurants in advance when making a reservation if bringing little ones, as it could be distracting and distressing to other diners when they get a meatball smeared on their leg. Advance warning also applies to blind grannies and deaf uncles.
3
When the maître d’ offers to take your coat try to see how secure it will be on the coat stand rather than ask if they have ever been convicted of a felony. The general policy is, if you have worn a bulky coat, yes, hang it. If you are wearing vintage/a one off/borrowed/next season’s couture, decline. Say you’re feeling a little chilly, and you want to keep it with you. You can drape it over your shoulders, or back of chair, which is to be advised if wearing low cut bottoms. The art of slipping clothes on and off in public can be very alluring.
4
If you don’t know what something is on a menu, ask. Nicely. You want to get the best possible from the menu, so flatter them. You don’t want them to spit in your food.
5
When ordering crocodile, locust, scorpion, or any rare and exotic dish, it is worth remembering it is
not
going to kill you. Restaurants don’t aim to poison their diners. If in doubt stick to a creature, crustacean or plant that you have seen sold in a supermarket.
6
Less is more. Always leave enough room for dessert. No one likes someone who peaks too early. When on a date eat light and seductive bites. If it’s a good date you should have butterflies in your stomach which will keep the dining dainty.
7
If you have any allergies take extra care when ordering – and do not feel shy about asking how it’s cooked and how you would like it. You can get away with murder if you do it with a smile. Think of Meg Ryan and make ordering an orgasmic art form.
Dishes and scenarios to avoid on a first date
Spaghetti dribbling down the chin.
Slurpy soup.
A sauce-drenched rack of ribs.
Corn on the cob.
Snails and potential flying objects.
Blood-dripping meat – particularly not good if date is vegetarian.
Baguettes, bananas and anything that could be construed as a double entendre.
Don’t speak with your mouth full. Chew, swallow, speak. Nothing will be that urgent you need to slobber with full mouth. Likewise, don’t put too much in your mouth at one time. Cut food into small manageable pieces. It will make conversation more pleasant.
Lips
When dining out, consider the lipstick. Red lipstick stains on a glass can be, in a movie, attractive; lipstick on teeth and smearing up your cheek is carnivorous and slutty. Also keep an eye on teeth, avoid getting bits stuck. Use toothpick or go to ladies’ room.
Double Dutch
Always try to go Dutch. Hopefully they will refuse. Try to remain independent. If they insist, offer to get them an after-dinner drink, if you can stand it.
How to eat tricky foods
‘After all the trouble you go to, you get about as much actual “food” out of eating an artichoke as you would from licking thirty or forty postage stamps,’ says Miss Piggy.
Artichokes are one problem dish, and unless you have a violent allergy to seafood/shellfish there are two other slippery suckers you should get to grips with.
Oysters
Of the two, oysters are the more ‘acquired’ taste, though as Eddie Murphy says, ‘Anything you have to acquire a taste for was not meant to be eaten.’ That said, they are reputed to be a most potent aphrodisiac. So swallow.
First hurdle with an oyster is to open it.
If it’s a restaurant that values their whitewashed walls, and other diners, hopefully the chef has done this job for you.
Pick up the oyster in its shell. Give it a gentle wobble; it should be like jelly on a plate.
Hold to your mouth, tilt your head back, open your lips and tip. A
real
pro will look at their dining partner as it slips out of the shell, confident the damn thing won’t slide down their chin. This allows their captive audience to see it slide carefully into their mouth – the aim is that it does not touch the teeth – and, with a swallow, move down the throat, past the Adam’s apple.
When dining on oysters insist on eating only at the best places. The most glamorous are the Rialto Market, Venice; Grand Central Station Oyster Bar, New York; Wiltons, London; and in front of a log fire, by candlelight.
Lobsters
Assuming that all you have to do is consume and not cook the wretched beast, half the battle is already won.
Lobsters are an impressive dish to be served and most decadent to order. Plus, you have really to fight and wrestle to get to the meat, so you will build up an appetite.
First, allow it to cool enough so you can touch it. Perhaps slip off a few of your diamonds while you wait, as you don’t want these getting fleshy meat and shell stuck in them.
Treat lobsters like giant prawns.
Twist the two great big claws off first – take away the weapons.
Crack the claws. The chef should provide crackers for this; it’s the same process as cracking walnuts.
Bend the body back from the tail; this will crack and reveal more meat.
If this is all sounding too brutal, and not for you, ask the kitchen to prepare it. Many restaurants serve it in an easy-access way so you don’t feel like you are doing a post-mortem on the poor creature.
Ease meat out of the cracked shell, remove and discard black vein in tail, dip meat in melted butter and enjoy.
True addicts can delve deeper and find the liver, but, if you’re trying simultaneously to sustain a conversation, I would pass on the next stage of the lobotomy.
Dip fingertips into lemony finger bowl.
Dry on napkin.
Replace jewellery.
Order dessert.
How to eat alone in a restaurant
‘I just vant to be aaallone,’ sighed Greta Garbo. Sometimes this is true of everybody, she just coined the phrase. It can be very chic to be alone, and have some quality time with yourself. You just need to know how to manage Garbo situations.
You can, if the mood takes you, book, but eating alone suits being more of a lost soul or free spirit, wandering into wherever fate has led you.
When asking for a table for one, try to opt for a quiet table. This can be done with a simple bat of your eyelashes and a glance from your big, doleful eyes. The blink of your eyes will say to the waitress: table for one, somewhere quiet and soothing, please.
It’s hard enough to do this whole ‘eating out alone’ thing, but REALLY to be put next to a boisterous laddish table, or, even WORSE, a courting couple would be more than you should have to bear.
You WANT to be alone. You’re not going to be:
a) Sobbing into your starter.
b) Moving to outer space.
c) Talking to yourself.
If dining alone you should always have a book, a notebook, a magazine and mobile phone in your bag. You may be able to gaze off into the sunset quite happily but always have tools of distraction in case someone tries to break the spell.
Books are infinitely the most interesting, but when eating, especially manoeuvring chopsticks, it can be tricky to keep the page open. There is nothing more frustrating than a piece of flying sticky rice concealing a vital bit of vocab.
This is why the book is for pre-order and pre-food only.
While eating, the magazine or paper is to be absorbed. It also acts as a shield protecting you from wanderers who may want to catch your eye and try to engage you in conversation. Magazines/papers are ideal because they lie flat on the table, stay open all of their own accord, as well as being easy to turn and stare at, and it’s not too disastrous if food splashes on them, well, unless it’s a collector’s issue.
Notebooks can come out between courses, as if something has inspired and delighted you.
Mobiles should be kept in bags. Constantly looking at a mobile – willing it to ring – will inevitably cause the reverse. Leave it on, but on silent, so you can see if you have missed a call. A mobile on view will only fuel the rumour racing round the restaurant that some cad has stood you up.
Not true. They haven’t. (Well, even if you have been, don’t let on.) You simply had so many offers and so much to do, you needed to have dinner toute seule to regroup.
Try not to drink too much. It is a horrid sight to see a lonesome diner losing clarity. Always maintain dignity and poise. If you must drink yourself into oblivion do it at home, in front of the telly.
How to Deal with Affairs of the Heart
‘If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men, for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married’
Katharine Hepburn
How to hide a broken heart
At sometime or another it is a cross we will all have to bear. It is at times like these that you need the Bee Gees, and a box of tissues.
There is no telling how you will get over a broken heart, or if indeed you ever will. Different people, different ways. There is no fixed time-frame either. Sorry.
The best thing to do is to allow a few days to wallow, to see if they come back on a white horse with flowers, apology and ring.
Be wary of wallowing alone, it is very unhealthy. For every night of wallow, prescribe three nights out.
Lines not to fall for
‘Let’s just be friends.
’ Impossible if they broke your heart. Why prolong the agony? Say you’ll think about it, and call them, maybe, in a few years.
‘I value our friendship too much to date you.’
Bastard. They don’t love you, never have, don’t even find you attractive. Move on. They’ll prevent you from meeting THE ONE – and make you miserable in the process.
‘I love you, but I can’t be with you.’
A coward. Walk away; even if you paid for them to see a shrink, it is still an impossible and exhausting situation.
‘You’ll always have a piece of my heart.’
True. Save the violins, stamp on it. Let them regret losing you.
‘It just was the wrong time, wrong place.’
The ONLY ‘it was wrong time/place’ was in Casablanca, which does not apply here. Poor excuse.
‘I’m sorry. Can we try again?’
How many times have you heard this before? Be honest. Once? Shame on them. Twice or more? Shame on you.
Some things are just not meant to be. Sometimes you grow apart, move on. You’ve tried, it didn’t work, learn and leave. Try to find someone who will appreciate you. Don’t kill each other’s chances of happiness and waste years on something that will never happen.
Be honest. Be tough. Ask yourself: where do I see myself in ten years? What do I want to have achieved? What kind of person do I want to be with? What kind of person will encourage me to be the kind of person I most want to be?
Anyway, you think you’ve got problems, pick up
Romeo and Juliet
and their dire situation makes everything pale in comparison. Take comfort in the fact that falling in and out of love is never out of fashion.
Above all, believe in true love and know that men are like shoes. A couple is like a left and a right foot, and out there is your perfect fit. Sometimes you need to change styles and shop around to find it. Sometimes you have to break styles in, sometimes you feel like something that is unstylish but comfortable, and sometimes a style – as much as you like it – just doesn’t suit you and will never fit.
Literary quotes may help, such as:
‘’Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all,’ from Tennyson, or the less literary ones of Miss Piggy: ‘Only time can heal your broken heart, just as only time can heal his broken arms and legs.’
Take solace in slushy movies from
Sleepless in Seattle
to
Wuthering Heights
. Distract yourself, and learn all the words to Gloria Gaynor’s ‘I Will Survive’. If all this doesn’t drive you out of the house, nothing will.
But all the best fairy stories end ‘they all lived happily ever after . . .’ And so will you; and if not, you can buy yourself an awful lot of Manolos while trying.