How To Walk In High Heels: The Girl's Guide To Everything (5 page)

If you are required to stand still place weight on foot with heel still intact, but do not stand still for too long.

Do not draw attention to broken heel, you will be inviting ridicule and ‘oh you should get a good solid pair of blah blah . . .’

Retire to replace shoes at soonest possible interval.

Now would be the time to call that cab.

How to keep your seams straight

Be honest, can a gusset ever look attractive? If wearing heels, you need to set them off with the correct accompaniment.

Stockings and suspenders give pins far superior va va voom to regular tights. Seams and stockings are those rarest of things: items that will always be in fashion and will always be sexy and seductive. However, there is nothing more unappealing than a stocking seam that wiggles and lurches up the thigh like a drunk trying to cross the deck. It will make viewers of your rear feel dizzy and nauseous. Definitely NOT the feelings you want to inspire.

Back when luxury was rationed ladies had to ‘make do and mend’ and went to great lengths to have a skew-whiff-free seam.

If, for some peculiar reason, you want to put yourself in the mindset of our forebears and try to recreate this look you’ll need a bottle of Force’s Favourite Liquid Stockings (try the Imperial War Museum, London), or some watered-down gravy. First ensure leg is exfoliated, hair-free and moisturised. To achieve the perfect seam take a 30cm ruler and carefully paint along one long edge. Then, similar to potato printing, place the inked edge of the ruler to the back of your leg and press. Repeat until you have travelled as far up the leg as you need to (I would suggest 15cm above the knee, and obviously on both legs). Allow to dry. The only danger of painting the leg is the slightly bizarre look you will be left with should you end up
in flagrante.

Assuming you’ve sensibly decided to save the gravy for the roast and have a pair of stockings at the ready, roll each individual leg down so that it resembles a nylon bagel. The first rule of wearing seams is to wear stockings, and not tights. Anything with a built-in gusset will, when you do something as inconvenient as walk, perish the thought, twist the line out of place.

Dip your finger in some Vaseline and smear a thimble’s worth up the back of the bare calves along the line where the seam will lie. This will help stick the seam in place. Do this operation one leg at a time as it can get rather sticky. Carefully roll one leg up to the knee, ensuring it is straight, and then smooth, stretch and roll over the knee. Repeat the process with the other leg.

For peace of mind choose a suspender belt. This way, if the stocking is to fall, you will at least feel a snap on your leg as warning, rather than the slow slide of the hold-up down your thighs.

Footsie is really
not
a recommended sport to indulge in whilst in stocking hold-ups, as what rolls up may fall down.

Note: stockings are perfect with pencil skirts, split skirts and evening attire. But no wardrobe would be complete without a pair of black opaque tights. Much more suited for micro minis and windy days.

How to wear sheers with no ladder

Moisturise from tip to toe. Roll the sheer onto your leg and let it grip and cling. The thinner the denier the higher the price you need to pay. Cheap tights snag, sometimes before you’ve even left the house.

The dressier the event, the thinner the hosiery. The same applies to heels.

Denier: this is the unit for measuring the fineness of silk, rayon and, most commonly, nylon. The higher the denier the thicker the coverage; 10 denier and lower are sheer.

Sandalfoot: this is the illusion of being open-toed, no seam or ‘toe-line’. Ideal for wearing with sandals or mules, if you can’t face going bare.

Opaque: thick, non-see-through, opposite of sheer.

Garters and suspender belts are essential accessories, see Marilyn Monroe in
Some Like it Hot
. Her entrance, viewed from the rear, wiggling her way to the train, gave knee highs one of their greatest fashion moments.

How to be Groomed

‘Know, first, who you are; and then adorn yourself accordingly.’
Epictetus

How to do a home pedicure and first-aid maintenance for feet

Frequent heel wearing requires a fully maintained raw foot to work with. Just as you take your car to the garage so must you have regular pedicures. Feet are the most overused and least appreciated form of transport. Love them.

Pedicure feet at least once a month. You should also have a friendly local chiropodist, for a six-monthly, degree-trained MOT. If you don’t have time to go to a professional, which can be claimed as ‘grooming’ or ‘therapy’, learn to DIY.

First remove any old nail polish. Soak feet in a basin of warm water, ideally for as long as it takes to drink a cup of tea.

Clip and file toenails
straight
.

Push back toe cuticles. They should be soft after soaking but if not use a cuticle moisturiser.

Use a loofah or pumice stone to smooth any hard skin.

Separate your toes. Do this by folding a tissue longways and twisting in and out between each toe, or use a special pedicure foam separator, if you want to be flashy.

Apply clear base coat, and allow to dry. Usually takes the equivalent of one CD track. This is the perfect foundation so don’t skip this stage.

Apply polish, twice for deeper colours, and tidy with a cotton bud dipped in nail varnish remover to wipe away any stray blips or mistakes.

Allow polish to dry thoroughly. This takes longer, allow three tracks of a CD to be sure.

Apply clear topcoat. Leave shoes off, or wear open-toed sandals for at least an hour to ensure they are really dry. Shroud them too soon and you risk messing up all your handiwork.

While you have all the products to hand it’d be silly not to do a manicure too. Matching fresh nail colour is essential. There is no point angling for a diamond ring if you don’t have nice, well-groomed, kissable hands. Therefore it is only sensible to paint them, and prime them, to their best advantage. Try to avoid painting finger tops as well as tips; for this reason it is best to get dark colours professionally applied. But remember the longer they are the less easy it is to type or write, amongst other necessary functioning skills.

Nail varnish should be stored in the fridge. It makes it easier to apply and the varnish glides on thicker and smoother in fewer coats. It also adds a dash of decadence to your dairy product section.

A quick word on colours and their associations

Red is dangerous, vampy, sex siren. Think Marilyn Monroe, Liz Taylor.

Rouge Noir is vamp with a twist. Plum and poisonous. Immortalised by Uma Thurman in
Pulp Fiction
.

Pink is girly, dainty, pretty and sweet. Grace Kelly.

Clear suggests a good girl and hard worker. Perhaps a little safe. Audrey Hepburn and Carolyn Besette Kennedy spring to mind here.

Nude/cream means you’re high maintenance, well groomed and know a good manicurist.

French Manicure is when tips are white and a clear gloss is run over the tops. Super high maintenance, control freak, and, more often than not, American. But don’t knock it till you try it, and as for on the toes . . .

Fashion colours, glitters, blacks, blues are fine if you are on the runway or fifteen years old. But unacceptable otherwise.

How to cope with chipped nails

Chipped nails are far from ideal, but it does happen. That’s life.

If wearing deep plum or red always carry a bottle of the matching shade in your bag for emergency cover-ups.

File your nails while you assess the damage. A nail file should always be close to hand, whatever the length of your nails. Think: do you add more of the same colour? Take it all off? Or can you afford to splash out and grab a cab to the nearest manicurist?

Sometimes it can be easier to add than subtract. Add a fresh layer of varnish to dark colours rather than wipe it off. Softer shades last longer and are more chip proof because errors show less.

A slight chip is excusable (for half a day till you reunite with the bottle of polish). A chipped nail on your way out is not.

In addition to a nail file, always have nail varnish remover in your desk, your bathroom, your location.

Red, Rouge Noir, and glitter varnishes are hard to remove, and require patience.

How to understand your silhouette

‘In my day hot pants were something we had, not wore’
Bette Davis

A body is like a cello. Your job is to work out how to play it.

Everyone comes in different shapes and sizes, and as much as we’d all like to have ‘the perfect A1 figure’ that the magazines showcase, we don’t. It’s called individual character. We all have different features to work with. Know your body shape, or at least have an honest idea of what it is like without airbrushing and Lycra, and learn how to maintain it.

Unfortunately some form of fitness or exercise is recommended, but it needn’t be too ghastly – it can include dancing, yoga and shopping.

To be able to accessorise and enhance what you have been born with, decide are you:

Audrey Hepburn? Jacquetta Wheeler?

Twiggy? Kate Moss?

Jayne Mansfield? Sophia Loren?

Monica Belluci? Catherine Zeta Jones?

Marlene Dietrich?

Jennifer Lopez? Beyoncé?

Marilyn Monroe? Bardot?

Nicole Kidman?

Kylie Minogue?

Stand in front of a full-length mirror, if not at home, in a private shop fitting room (don’t torture yourself in the communal ones). Look and learn.

Work with the good bits. You’ve got underpinning and underwiring bras, and knickers that can streamline and enhance your silhouette at your disposal, so make sure you build a good base to drape your designer labels on. Tailor around your finest assets, and draw attention to these rather than focusing on the negative.

As Sophia Loren said, ‘A woman’s dress should be like a barbed-wire fence: serving its purpose without obstructing the view.’

The most important thing is to be honest, as once you know your strengths, and any weaknesses, you can know what to hide and what to flaunt. ‘Keep your friends close, your enemies closer’ is very true when understanding what you are left with when the lights go off.

If you have:

Choose low slung skirts/pants. Knot shirts at waist. Cropped tops are not just for Britney but they are for moments of extreme confidence and reckless abandon, aka holidays and special occasions.

Wear necklaces to draw the eye down. Open-necked shirts. Strappy tops are great so you don’t look bound in or constricted but only opt for spaghetti option if you have enough support elsewhere.

Pick V-neck jumpers, or again dangling necklaces that draw the eye down. Padded uplift bras are a given.

Go easy on the shoulder pads, favour cardigans and soft open tops, or structured tailoring.

Wear loose palazzo pants. Flowing skirts.

Cover shoulders, wear shawls, pashminas or chiffon capped sleeves.

Lucky you. Wear minis – why hide them?

You need to show it off. Pencil skirts.

Wear baggy shirts over trousers, empire-line dresses, suit jackets and nothing too fitted at the waist.

Again you can conceal with loose baggy tops, flowing feminine skirts and highlighting another area.

Remember that big is beautiful. To streamline and slenderise, head-to-toe black works.

It is a fact that no one will ever look good in:

Ugg boots – ugh! Cute? Perhaps. Comfortable? Yes. Flattering? No. Take a look at your ankles. Don’t be the mug who tries to disprove a theory.

How to stick to a gym membership

When you join a gym tell everyone. Not only will you get the credit for joining, there will also be the added worry that if you don’t stick to it you will be ridiculed. Buy yourself some new gym clothes.

Ideally go with a friend. Depending on how your mind works either go with a thin friend – who looks better than you and where the rivalry will encourage you to work twice as hard. Or – the easier option – seek out the overweight woman corner of the room and work out there. That way even if you are going puce in the face with every weight you lift, you’ll feel some camaraderie or (whisper it) relief that you are not alone.